Rock Star: A Fashion Tragedy

Dear Ellie Mae,

I can't help but notice that the photo galleries shut down just as we were nearing the end of our tragic journey into the fashion abyss. I am left to believe that Ellie Mae and Co have discovered us and have conspired with the MSN tech team to destroy us. It was a feeble attempt at best, Ellie Mae, not that I expected anything more from you. You knew my weakness. You somehow found out that if I can't Google a picture there's no way I'm going to find it because I rely on Google like an alcoholic does to their morning vodka. Ha! Ha, I say! Joke is on you, Stylist Devil-Beast. Thank you to Cindy from MartyCasey.org, Debra, Amelia, and Janet for being rad and finding them for us. Obviously we are internet deficient. Crystal was clever enough to save some favorite shots from the website (good and bad) so we are set there. This is not over. Your move, Ellie Mae. We WILL see this through to the end. Which honestly, I am looking a bit forward to, because I am starting to run out of material. Unlike you, I want to walk away from this without shame, without knowing that I'd pushed it too far. Thank you, for teaching me that lesson firsthand. And to those of you who think I stopped being funny a long time ago, or was never funny. Shhhhh! I don't think the some of the others have figured that out yet so kindly keep your goddamn mouth shut. Thanks.

Love,

Gina




WEEK TEN


GINA: I'm about to go to that dark, nerdy, place in the bottom of my heart and admit that I am strongly reminded of someone in one of those barely-distinguished-from-one-another anime shows that I don't really understand. Or, more specifically, like one of those people at the sci-fi convention that dress up as their favorite character in intricate, home-made costumes. I know you are thinking, "No. She is not so low as to find dorks in costume funny." I am that low. I hate myself that much. No such thing as an easy target in my book. You know, in a way, I admire them, because I could not do that without feeling like an idiot, and I appreciate their inhibition. In a controlled environment. If you are out on the street dressed up like a cartoon drawing, you are weird. Officially. It might make you feel good and make you happy, but there is a time and a place and no need to punish everyone because you want to live in Imaginary Land 24/7. Oh yeah, Suzie. Ummm...one glove, one giant necklace, and one pair of Goth kid-mallrat pants amounts to "Rock Star who came to visit Bayside" on an episode of Saved by the Bell.

CRYSTAL: Ha. How perfect would she have been for Saved by the Bell? Not as a rockstar, though. I imagine her being the desperate, annoying cousin to Tiffany-Amber’s Kelly, who came to visit and the gang had to convince her not to rat them out to Kelly’s parents about one of their foolhardy pranks. This costume is alright. I think it is comparably good when looking at some of her other choices. At least she stuck with a plain color palate. Ugh. I’m not all that impressed though. She is “Black Market RockStar.” Suzie is like buying prescription drugs in Mexico to avoid the high costs of American pharmacies. Sure, it’s cheaper, but is it worth the hassle? She’s the poor man’s version of Avril Lavigne (enter another annoying, Canadian pop songstress who overuses the word “rock”) but she’s just not really worth being a fan of because you have to put up with her personality and fashion sense. And your confident look doesn’t fool me, Suzie, I know this whole world is not right for someone who is as sensitive as you are. Alright, it’s the last performance…go have a drink. Go find yourself. Go do something where I don’t have to watch you cry anymore. That would be great.

GINA: Yes, I must agree, in comparison to some of her other choices this looks downright wonderful and I shouldn't take shots at her. I do have to say, however, that she's one of those people who are by all accounts funny, nice, warm, etc, yet there is something about her that is intrinsically annoying. At first she was okay, and then I started to like her a little bit, right around the middle of the season, and then in the end I was praying that she would get a bad case of tonsillitis so I wouldn't have to listen to her speak anymore. I know the chances of any of those rawkers seeing this are nil, but wouldn't that be our just desserts? That they all read this and thought we were the meanest, most awful, unfunniest (because it is never funny when it's about you and your friends), people to ever make fun of things on the internet? Of course, I'm totally willing to deal with that because maybe then one or two of them would look under all of the mean shenanigans and take our advice, or their own advice, fucking anyone but Ellie Mae's advice. I especially hope this for Suzie. (Not for her to see this. I'd feel bad if she read this spiteful thing) I hope that she looks back on the same pictures we did and sort of wince over some the things she wore. Then maybe she would just start being herself, whatever that is, and she'd look so much better.

CRYSTAL: Not a surprise to anyone, but Suzie was never my favorite. Whenever she seemed charming or funny it just upset me more. It was like she wasn’t allowed because I already had my mind made up to hate her. I know its mean, and I’m sorry or whatever, but I hope she only stays popular in Canada. They are responsible for creating it so they should be the ones to suffer.







GINA: Crystal once mentioned that JD made her realize that she can be shallow and I am forced to agree that he has done the same for me. JD is obviously a serial killer, I mean, he's got a tie to choke me with right there, proudly displayed, and still I would get into that van. At least I'd get to touch him. You know, while clawing for my life. I would hope that he would at least grant me that pleasure. Other than the tie he looks intolerably hot here. And ugh, ugh I just...hate myself. There are so many attributes about him that I normally don't like...the cockiness, and when he performs all the histrionics and little sayings that I should hate, the formerly being in from what I can tell from the pictures to be a rap metal band. Yet I am completely entranced when I watch him. I never noticed some of the terribleness of his outfits. The part that bothers me most is that think if he was just some guy I met randomly, his affect on me would be the same. He's that hot all on his own. Without the singing and all that. It's like he was put here to humble me, to teach me that one is never truly above anything. Human Being: Being Human, indeed, Mr. Fortune.

CRYSTAL: Argh. Let me tell you guys the story with the tie. JD and I were sitting around Saturday afternoon enjoying left over chinese and a lovely episode of My Fair Brady, when I told him that we needed to go and find him a tie to go with his suit for the wedding. He started to sass me and said that he really did not have the time (some excuse about practicing or whatever) and that I should pick it out because “we’ll just get what you want anyway.” Then I CALMLY explained that he had yet to do anything to participate in the wedding plans and it would be nice if he pretended like he wanted to get married and come with me. Well, after I pulled out a girl’s secret weapon (crying) he begrudgingly went, but he still complained during the three hours it took me to find the perfect one. I didn’t talk to him the rest of the weekend because of his behavior and so on performance night, still in a snit, he wore that very expensive tie around his FREAKING BELT HOLE JUST TO PISS ME OFF. Just look at his face, he knows he won. Smug bastard. Not that it pisses me off, mind you, I am the freaking epitome of cool. I don’t lose my freaking temper over childish behavior…

I. MEAN. COME. ON. Your belt hole?? You might as well have worn it up your ass! I…Jesus…I’m calling your Mother.

GINA: Aw, snap. Tread carefully JD, I've never seen Crystal in such a state. Who knew she was going to be such a perfectionist, control freak about the wedding? Just the other day she called me and went on for two hours, fretting about having the ceremony in Missouri or Canada. Should she just have two weddings? Well, his family is just going to have to understand, I'm the bride, so it should be where I'm from. It is really pretty in Canada in the summer, though. Match that with hours long conversations about centerpieces and which kind of napkin to use, and I'm wiped. I care about her and I care about the wedding and all, but I want my friend back.

CRYSTAL: Sorry. It will be over very soon. But, I have to wonder, how spent are you going to be when we start talking baby names?







GINA: I think this is when MiG started to get a little desperate. In addition to the bare chest, he has ripped a tiny hole by the left pocket of his pants. Sure it may be a design, but I'm going with a rip. This went one of two ways. Way one involves MiG thinking that a glistening torso is not enough and decided to give the ladies a lookie-loo at his hip. The other, more probable way, is that he accidentally ripped them while struggling to get them on. Those aren't spandex, and pants that tight are never forgiving. I do wonder if MiG decided that the naked look was working for him and played to that strength almost every performance show. Okay, I guess you don't really even need to wonder. He did. And as I've said before that kind of "Anything for a Vote" attitude is going to get you far with me because I find that sort of thing to be really entertaining. Take it off if that's what it takes. Always hilarious, every time.

CRYSTAL: Call me cynical (go ahead, do it, won’t be the first time), but, I also have to wonder why MiG chose this outfit tonight. He’s already worn both pieces in the past with no success (according to us, of course)…maybe he thinks that by wearing this jacket he will somehow harness the spirit he had when he sang Lola? Maybe he’s wearing those pants because he just sprang for a fresh bikini wax and he knows which stretchy pants best enhance his hairlessness? Maybe he is possibly the most clueless man who has ever walked the face of the earth and he actually believes EM when she says he looks fab? While all those theories are possible I’m going with the one Gina maintains: MiG, in all his seemingly adorable naiveté, is actually a cunning, ruthless animal who knows exactly how to whore it out for a competition. This man, who seems so whimsical and cotton candy-ish, is working his plastic torso magic and reeling in the fish with a giant bubblegum flavored net. He is sly, yes. It almost worked too…but somehow, someway…those clever boys in INXS must have caught on.







GINA: So, do you think that Marty always gets there first and picks out all the good shit? Good on him, nothing wrong with that, it shows the kind of dedication and commitment to excellence that I like to see from a television personality. Nothing about his outfit is bothering me, the pants fit great, his hair is reigned in. He's looking a little timid and freaked out, but it's not like I could do any better, so I'll let it slide. In a perfect world, once Marty was done with rocking full time, he would open a fashion school for up and coming rockers. He would instruct them in the ways of proper accesorization, footwear, acceptable color schemes, and developing personal style. If you teach a man to fish, as they say. Then the Ellie Mae's of the world would be eliminated because the new generation of rockers would know how to dress themselves.

CRYSTAL: Marrrrrtin? What’s with the face? Did someone sneak up on you and take your picture? You’re model pose says your ready for the shot but your face says “hey! I charge ten bucks for one of those pics…you just can’t take them for free.” He seriously looks like my Grandpa did when my Grandma took away “his chair” and bought him a new one because the old one was worn and had cigarette burn holes all over it. Then my Grandma had the gall to tell him later that day that he looked like he just lost his best friend. Uh, G-ma, you just got rid of his chair. Marty’s clothes look good as per usual. He really is the most un-disappointing rocker on this show. We can always count on Marty. He’s the Old Faithful of RS. I really want to believe that he always looks appropriate because he tells Ellie Mae to shove it on a fairly regular basis, but the truth is, if you keep it pretty simple, stick with solid colors with a minimum of flair and then add the fact that you are tall and thin…its is almost impossible not to look good. So I give half the credit to Marty, half the credit to his parent’s good genes.

GINA: Marty is definitely fashion MVP.

CRYSTAL: Indeed. Crown that wiry b-otch.







CRYSTAL: Wow, Brooke, you kind of have that whole "I Dream of Jeannie, the Whore" thing going on. If you're not familiar with it, folks, it was a colorful 60s TV show that was very popular with valium-addicted housewives. They preferred to watch it whilst vacuuming so that they didn’t have to listen to Jeannie’s voice. They just liked looking at her rack. Valium does strange things to women. Brooke reached new heights of hilarity tonight, well, for me,…and many an unsuspecting crowd-folk in the audience caught a glimpse of something that one can only see if they were married to Brooke... or have the internet. How could she possibly be comfortable wearing that skirt? It looks like one of Suzie’s belts. If Ellie Mae’s goal is to get Brooke date raped because she “looked like she wanted it,” she may succeed.







GINA: As for Dave, I couldn't find his picture from the show, so I picked this one. Am I the only one who always kind of expected Dave's beard to be supple and soft, like the hair on his head? I've never seen a close of Dave before and it's really shattered some illusions. I like how Dave looks like an Amish Rock Star, with his wide brimmed hat with sassy purple detail. The other people, back at the farm, didn't like his flashy ways, so Dave went out on his own, but, as we can see here, never forgot his roots.

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae at 9:20 PM | Permalink | Comments

Thanks to some super cool people we have all but one photo for our Week 10 Blow Out. We are still looking for JD, and trust me, he can't hide forever! Please be patient with us, we'll have the next post up as soon as humanly possible. Thanks to everyone who are keeping their eyes peeled for pics!! We appreciate all your help. Oh! and thanks to MSN, thanks for bursting our bubble.

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae at 10:52 AM | Permalink | Comments

So has anyone else noticed that MSN has shut down the photo galleries? I can get to it, but none of the pictures load. if anyone has copies of these pictures saved to their hardrives PLEASE email them to us at rsinxsfashiontragedy@yahoo.com. We are going to wait a few days and see if MSN resolves the issue before we try to start week ten. There are pictures on the CBS site, and we checked them out, but they are not the same. So again, if you have the fashion gallery week ten photos saved, please help a sister out. We are so sad about this. Who do you think you are, MSN? Who do you think you are?

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae at 1:33 PM | Permalink | Comments

The Principles of Critiquing

There is a shallow and easy art in critiquing someone’s anything. This blog has been somewhat of an experiment for what Gina and I considered to be minute talent in the area of verbal fashion abuse. Let me share with you a few principles we have learned so that you too can abuse someone for whatever reason you wish. I find it is a lot cheaper than aggression therapy.
(1) Find inspiration. We obviously do so well finding material because of great inspiration, not necessarily talent. And like our inspiration, Ellie Mae, we feed off weakness and we exploit it to the best of our abilities in a public forum. Good Times.
(2) Get personal. While I have to keep reminding myself that the rockers are not the cause of the endless parade of fashion failures week after week and that they are merely canvases where Ellie Mae demonstrates her “art,” it would be a lot less funny if we did not make it personal for the rockers. Comedians call this “nothing sacred.” As in, there is nothing sacred in your comedy, nothing that can not be made fun of. We have to insult their personalities—for your sake.
(3) Following from number two, my personal rule of thumb is go for the jugular. Poke the weakest part ‘till the stuffing falls out. The weakest part is where you either start or where you finish, but it has to be the focal point of your critique. Trust me, this works.
(4) The last principle, but not least important, is if you are doing critiques on a number of people (like A Fashion Tragedy) you need to find a real enemy. True, Ellie Mae is who we are raging against, but we have to have someone more tangible. Pick one person whom most of your venom shoots into. Mine is obviously Suzie and Gina’s was Brandon and Dave but now Dave singly. It’s just way more fun this way.

WEEK NINE



CRYSTAL: I would just like to thank Jordis for not wearing that ridiculous Fival-Does-the Salvation Army hat during her performance. Her jeans are again ridiculous and look like they were shredded with a cheese grater. I like her foldover shirt and jacket because it’s fitted through the middle and allowing for a waist once again. But, I don’t know, it’s not the Parker Lewis “Coolness” I have come to desire from Jordis. I feel that her look is probably survivor’s guilt from Ty getting the ax a show before she did. She was so upset when the closest thing to a big gay brother she ever had was booted, after his over the top performance, that she dressed like a railroad-riding-hobo to mask her shame, or highlight her shame, whichever. And why would she want to cover up her hair, Ellie Mae? That’s her signature, hello? Don’t cover that shit up, Jordis, rock ‘n roll’s gots to be free…

GINA: I’m not quite sure what Ellie Mae is trying to say with Jordis’ 50’s style biker hat, but I wish she’d shut up. I don’t even know why I bother being disappointed anymore. According to EM’s description Jordis’ white foldover shirt is held together with “punk-red” safety pins. I’m guessing “punk-red” is Ellie Mae speak for silver? Cos I’m not seeing any red in this picture. I’m so happy she didn’t wear the hat during her performance, too. I think that Marty finally had a sit down with Jordis this week and told her that she’s awesome and doesn’t need Ellie Mae to tell her what to wear. I liked Jordis a lot, but I am glad that she went home after this. Her face says it all. “Get me the fuck out of here.”

CRYSTAL: Is that what that hat is? A fifties style biker hat? Good lord, I had no idea. Some things from the past should always stay in the past like Prohibition, Chia Pets and this hat. I was happy to see Jordis go this week as well. She no longer looked like she was having fun and her voice was failing her. I can’t wait until her album comes out though...I just hope that the cover of her debut album doesn’t have Ellie Mae inspired horror, I won’t be able to bring myself to buy it…








CRYSTAL: I am reminded of some time in the mid-90s when a rumor was floating around celebrity gossip rings that Cher had one of her ribs removed in order to give the appearance of a smaller waist. I’m sure that is not true (although, if it were, I’m not knocking it, that’s just “thinking outside the box” at its best) but I have come to the conclusion that MiG must have had his penis surgically removed in order to sausage squeeze into the pants he has come to be known for. It is just ungodly for a grown man to wear pants that even a thirteen year old teenybopper might give second thought to (I wonder how much longer stretch denim will be in?) And where is this man’s body hair? Like, any of it? Sigh. I miss manly men, I tell ya. Anyway. That necklace shows Ellie Mae’s insolence for any middle-aged female WASP who thought about wearing it to her next social function to match her turquoise Chanel suit. Way to go Ellie Mae, upset all the republicans.

GINA: I like how MiG’s jean-corset is splattered with bleach spots as if to suggest he just came in from a long, hard, day of manual labor. MiG might be all muscle-y, but you and I both know that he’s soft as a baby bunny. No calluses on those hands. I am getting a serious Pamela Anderson vibe from him. She and MiG both love displaying their tits and ass in form fitting, ball hugging, skintight, trash ‘n roll getups that make everyone in the room uncomfortable just by looking at them. Put away your tits, MiG. You look like a goddamn whore.








CRYSTAL: I love Marty’s dark purple jacket. I just love dark purple…it’s so very cool. I also like his jeans. But that shirt? Uh, no. Bad idea, Marty. It looks like he had to do his own laundry for the first time ever and he shrunk his darks by using hot water. Poor Marty, being on your own for the first time is hard. When he was doing his performance this night and did his whole stringbean lean-back his whole shirt went almost all the way up to his nipples. Yeah, I like you Marty, but I don’t want to see your nipples anymore than I want to see Dave’s. Sorry.

GINA: Mushroom head is a serious disease that afflicts most of us, although, with proper care and preventative measures, you don’t have to be its victim. I don’t know if Marty fell asleep with his hair wet or what, but he is sporting a level five Mushroom head that should have been taken care of before the photo session. I don’t care how tired you were this morning, Mr. Casey. I have come to expect certain things from you and I don’t like being let down. Also troubling me is the expression on his face; which is making me think of a spooky, half-there, timid, man-child who has the mental age of seven. I want the confident and handsome Marty of last week back. This is a photographic reminder of every time Marty creeped me out on the show. This is why I couldn’t get super into him.








CRYSTAL: Suzie looks rock-diculous (now, Gina, that’s the worse pun ever). The hair is just strange in its old-fashioned yet strangely space aged bun. Those stringy things that are hanging from the slit in her skirt makes me think that Ellie Mae, in a last minute great idea, took the normal sized split with her powerful man hands and ripped it all the way up to Suzie’s cooch. I wonder if Ellie Mae paid a lot for that skirt before she up and ruined it. Well, I mean, made it worse. I hope she can still get Mark Burnett’s money back when she wants to return it for crack money. Of course, if I know Ellie Mae, I’m sure she paid with nature’s credit card. I have decided that Suzie is the fashion equivalent of a goiter. It doesn’t matter how beautiful a person is, if they have a giant, fleshy goiter, that’s all we see. Same with Suzie, it doesn’t matter how much singing talent she may possess, all we can see are these vile clothes. You are what you wear, Suzie. The sooner you learn that, the better we’ll all be. Her Bonnie Raitt song rang so true tonight. She can’t make me love her. And I won’t. Ever.

GINA: I wish that I could say that her ripped-to-the-vagina skirt was the worst thing going on in this particular ensemble, but I think that top honors are going to have to go to the fingerless opera gloves topped with gauntlet on one side matched with black wife beater. Ellie Mae likes to think that she’s some sort of artist and I’m sure she’d give us a bullshit lecture about how the elegance of the gloves matched with the ruggedness of the skirt creates a sort of texture orgy that is awesome. No. It’s not awesome. She looks like an escapee from a mental institution. She’s crazy and she thinks she’s Tina Turner. She’s singing Proud Mary and wielding a knife and…hold me, Crystal….I’m scared.

CRYSTAL: I just can’t wait until she is gone. It takes everything in me to understand how the Earth can stand to not open up and swallow her whole. Oh, and I mean Suzie, but Ellie Mae could join her in the bowels of the world. Stop scaring my friend, Suzie! I could totally take you.

GINA: Dude, and seriously? How sad is it that you are the only girl and you can’t make it to the final three? My guess is that INXS said, “Alright, mates. If she cries more than four times this week, she’s outta heah”.








CRYSTAL: This was JDs most beautiful week to date. I remember when I was watching this show and I could not even tell you what Pretty Vegas sounded like because he had, as Gina succinctly put it, “turned the hotness up to eleven,” goddamn I was just sitting on my bed, open mouthed and drooling, like, literally drooling. I only do that when I’m in complete concentration. Or sleeping sitting up. Gross. Moving on. JD is like manna from heaven hot tonight. Just cyborg hot. That might not be the best word to use but I was trying to think of something that implied inhuman hottness. It’s like he wasn’t made on this planet. He was just sent here to torture and confuse those of us who would not normally go for someone JD-like. I pray that eventually they’ll have some sort of support group for we obsessors. Yeah, letting this go will be the kind of withdraw I've only seen in movies like Trainspotting or When a Man Loves a Woman... and it’s only the beginning. I better start stocking up on tomato soup. Just kidding, you guys, that’s ridiculous. I would never watch When a Man Loves a Woman.

GINA: As Crystal mentioned earlier, I am fresh back from the tackiest place on Earth, Branson, Missouri, and I must say that JD is looking a bit like a local in this picture. I loved him tonight, I loved Pretty Vegas, and I was so happy that he fulfilled the potential I thought he had and just kicked all kinds of ass tonight, and on the show I thought he looked just…..uber-hot, but this picture is less than flattering. I think it’s the bottoms unbuttoned denim-on-denim that is causing me problems. Like I said earlier he is giving me the impression of a backwoods, illiterate, Ozark shack-dweller that would get real handsy with you if you gave him the chance. Huh. For once the idea of getting man handled by an inbred ruffian with three teeth is rather welcoming. Funny, that.

CRYSTAL: I think he looks good in this picture. Although he is wearing jean and jean (i jihad you, EM) I still think he looks like he’s calling to me. Don’t call him a backwoods Missourian, Gina, you’ll ruin this whole thing for me.

GINA: He looks good in the picture. I agree. It’s his outfit that is causing him to look like a hillbilly. Or a performer in the Baldknobber’s Country Jamboree (I wish I was making that up, folks. Google it. Actually exists.)








CRYSTAL: I see Brooke has slipped into something a little more comfortable for the 2 million viewers that have had to witness her weekly dishonor to skinny girls everywhere for the duration of this fine show. I can’t…I just…I mean…What is she doing? As if the material, the color, the sheen aren’t bad enough, the shape looks like EM threw a whore’s doily over Brooke’s body and cut out the top for her head. Egad. I believe that Blanche wore this for a nightgown once on an especially tawdry episode of the Golden Girls. Well, hope Brooke reached her goal of comfort, because she looks like an ass.

GINA: Ellie Mae, there is something I would like to share with you. Just because this dress, sheet, poncho, whatever you want to call it is silk and accented with lace doesn’t mean it’s elegant. This looks like she’s guest starring on Melrose Place as the sexy and mysterious newcomer who works nights, which explains why she runs around in a dressing robe all day. I am getting a big “Amanda Woodward” vibe from this. Heather Locklear totally wore this during one of those scenes where she’s trying to steal Billy from Alison so she’s strutting around the apartment in a tiny robe and we are all discomfited by watching Billy try to contain his lust because the guy who played Billy was a rather shitty actor and creeped me out something fierce. Man, I remember a lot about that show. That’s fucking ridiculous.

CRYSTAL: Yeah, I never got into that show. I watched my hour of 90210 and then I was done. But, I could see regular ‘ol Heather Locklear wearing this. Ritchie would LOVE it!

GINA: How is someone so awesome married to someone so toolish? I guess Heather likes to feel confident that she is the smart, funny, good looking, likeable, awesome one in the relationship while Ritchie is the one who spends too much time doing his hair. And the new Bon Jovi song? Sucks Dave Navarro balls. I thought the “It’s My Life” song was putrid, but the new one is even fucking worse.








CRYSTAL: Oh Jesus. Do I have to admit that Dave doesn’t look all that terrible this week? I don’t know if I can stomach it. He is breaking my jacket/no shirt rule. So I have that going for me. You know what? If I had somehow lowered myself to the level of finding my high school prom date on the internet, with all my bad karma from being a total bitch, Dave is what would show up on my doorstep. He wouldn’t even have a corsage because he would have been searching too hard for the perfect accessory to compliment his leather pants (hello, white scarf!) Yep, this is what could have been. Thank God for standards saving me yet again.

GINA: Thank you, Dave Narvarro, thank you. Thank you for wearing a jacket that mercifully covers up your ball-crease. You know, he does look pretty nice, mostly because the white scarf is covering up his exposed chest. This is pretty worthless to me. Aha, here we go. Since Dave’s photo wasn’t supplying enough ammunition, I hopped on over to 6767.com, his blog. Dave kindly takes the time to answer some questions and I would like to share with you my personal favorite

6. If you could change one thing that has happened in your life what would it be?
I have been asked this a lot and the truth is that I wouldn't really change anything. It's all part of where I am now. Well, maybe I wish I hadn't started smoking, but that's about it.

See, Dave, I would have answered this completely differently. My answer would have been, “Well, I would have told Flea and Anthony Kedis that maybe this whole Chili Peppers thing wasn’t going to work out before I ruined the ENTIRE album. I wouldn’t have told that leprechaun that I would give anything to be a rock guitarist, because before that I was 6’3 and didn’t talk about things like moisturizer and which pomade gives the best sheen.” I also noticed that it seems he closes each of his Camp Freddy shows with the Stooges classic, “I Wanna Be Your Dog”. Thanks Dave, for ruining a great song and my life, once again. One day I will have revenge, Short Stuff. One day.



So I know I said that you’d be getting extras this week, but I’m lazy. So I’m thinking now that after week eleven we will give you the extras. I just got back from vacation and I dare you to not come back from Branson feeling spent and like you may have overloaded your “smart-ass” chip due to the COMPLETE over-stimulation of being in the most patriotic, Jesus-loving, place on earth.

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae at 2:14 PM | Permalink | Comments

GINA: This week is again staggering in its gaudy, pointless, trying too hard-hood. Excepting Marty and surprisingly, thankfully, Ty. You would think after being subjected to this experiment in fashion torture all summer, and now spending parts of my week staring at her abominable creations, that my hate would lessen. Alas, it burns ever brighter within me. My resolve strengthens with every brown and black, every gauntlet, every time she uses more than two necklaces. I did think of something Ellie Mae is good for. If I ever have a daughter, and she decides that she really wants to be a stylist but has an awful fashion sense, I won't discourage her from pursuing her dream. I will tell her the story of Ellie Mae, and that it doesn't matter if you are any good at putting together an outfit. As long as you can convince people that what you are doing is "cool" then you can be a successful stylist. And I won't even be lying to my theoretical daughter. Because it happened and it will happen again. And we will be there, mocking it.





WEEK EIGHT




GINA: I guess EM stumbled upon the notion that red and black look pretty good together and are hard to fuck up. I say this because she has Marty, Ty, and Dave in the combo. I love (and by love I mean am absolutely infuriated by) how she has to kill a good thing EVERY TIME. It's like she can't stop herself from pushing it over the line. Either she's creating nauseating rock-frocks using every accessory known to man, or she's making three people look very good by wearing essentially the same thing. She's the kind of person that hits on 20, thinking that they're going to get lucky, and always she busts. Look at Marty. Fantastic. Nothing to complain about. Then his victory (and more frustratingly, Ty's) is tragically reduced, to borrow a phrase, by having two of the others in this same basic look.

CRYSTAL: Ah, Marty, If I had a thing for you I would want you to wear outfits like this all the time. You look really hot. I'm not a fan of the hair, as per usual, but he looks tall and confident and not at all like the squirmy, spastic performer he was at the beginning of this show. His act has finally caught up to his fashion sensibility by this week. I was very happy with him after this show. Nothing wrong, nothing bad, good job MC! Way to ignore Ellie Mae. I'm always happy to see that.

GINA: Thanks, Crystal. For you have given me a better understanding of what might have caused Ellie Mae to three-peat. I'm thinking that Marty had this all picked out and was ready to go when EM came over and she was like, "Oh, Marrrrrrrteeeee I found these orange patent leather moon boots that are gonna look super-cute with that suit." And Marty politely backed out of it, but EM was still pissed, because....hello? Who's the one being paid to dress you?(dude, did anyone else's eye start to twitch furiously after reading that?) And that, in her mind, makes her a better dresser than Marty. So she's all angry and is like, you know what? I'm going to ruin his night, and proceeded to use her best friends, Ty and Dave, to implement her revenge. You only hurt yourself when you hurt your friends, EM.

CRYSTAL: I always like to believe that Marty is the commander of the polite ignore. Like when he doesn't want to listen to what you're saying he'll just kinda daze off into the sky with his big hammerhead shark eyes and no one is any the wiser 'case he's kinda a weird guy anyway. Marty rules. I'll bet he's good times.







GINA: I like his suit, I like his pose, and I don't have the heart to say anything negative. I'm very sorry that EM ruined your best night. If I ever meet her, I'll insult her just for you. Nice job. You're even working your mohawk.

CRYSTAL: You know why this whole look works so well for him? It's not the fact that he is simple and pretty, it's not that he's wearing red and black, it is not the fact that I can literally only see one piece of jewelry. While all of that does help, they are not the reason he looks so properly appealing this week. The reason is that his eyes are covered up. No one can see that smarmy, man-rag, snarky, better than thou look in his eyes. He looks good. This was his last performance, right? Good job, Ty. It's too bad you saved it all till the week you get booted.

GINA: I was going to give a sarcastic goodbye, but I decided to let it go and let Ty have his moment. Besides, I'm sure that he'll show up again in the extras that we are starting next update. We only have three weeks left, so we should probably get on those. We'll be doing the boys in our band, INXS, along with some of our favorite moments, fashion and otherwise, from the show, hell, we'll even take requests. Email us if there is any ensemble that you would especially like to see destroyed. rsinxsfashiontragedy@yahoo.com

CRYSTAL: I am of the personal opinion that Ty doesn't need any more “Ty moments,” his ego is big enough. Frankly, I was happy to see him go after this week. He went out with a Big Bang! In some circles, that's what he's better known for.







GINA: I'm going with the obvious here, which is that he looks like a six foot turd. This is very disconcerting, considering his _expression is very appealing to me. I like the more confident, less smarmy vibe I am getting. However, I don't like being reminded of poop and sex at the same time, and it makes me concerned that she is trying to push some sort of deviant agenda. JD's ring-celet is much like the hand-wire throw-y deal Jet Li used in Lethal Weapon 4. It's fun to imagine that everyone huddled outside Suzie's dressing room door, laughing their asses off, as JD keeps using it to knock over stuff on her dressing table. Then Suzie starts crying because she thinks the room is haunted, and everyone feels bad, so they stop. They leave, sharing a vague sense of resentment towards her for being such a crybaby all the time.

CRYSTAL: Has everyone seen the picture on the cover of OK! Magazine of Ashton Kutcher's and Demi Moore's sham wedding? Did you notice what that giant tool, Ashton, is wearing? That's right, a fedora. JD, that should be your “case in point” of why it is not cool to wear a fedora. Forget about all those feelings of “well, maybe he doesn't look good with one, but I do, because I'm much prettier.” While you are indeed prettier, you still can't pull off a fedora. I don't know, Gina, I kinda like him in brown. I don't really mind what he's wearing below the chin. BUT, having said that, I do remember that this was not the whole outfit. He was also wearing a giant brown jacket and hideous black sunglasses. That's Ellie Mae for you, never just stopping when the outfit has reached acceptable. She always has to step over the line and make some ugly.

GINA: It's not the color that bugs so much as the collared sleeveless button up. I know they are popular, and I realize that this is more of a personal thing, but I hate those. I don't like having your neck covered up with no sleeves. It's so classless. I know I'm probably the only person that thinks that, but, y'know, you like what you like, you hate what you hate.

CRYSTAL: Understood, I feel the same about wearing too many pinstripes. I think it looks cheap but I have never heard anyone agree. It's just that chocolaty brown is so JDs color. He looks great in it. (For other example see JD, INXS interviews.)







GINA: Wow, after all this time of bitching about seeing Mig's balls, I must say that seeing him without them is, maybe, the most unsettling thing I've ever seen in all of my life. I don't know if it is the lighting, or the fit of the pant, but it appears as though MiG's torso is facing a different direction than his legs. Meaning, his crotch looks like his ass. Again, I am forced to believe that she is using subliminal messages to promote a life of scatological sex play. I don't care what you do in the bedroom, Ellie Mae, but children watch this show and I won't have you turning them into confused teenagers with enema fetishes.

CRYSTAL: Do you think there is a fetish for enemas? That's awesome. These pants are the best. And by the “best” I mean that they provide a hilarious array of mocking and laughing. Gina and I had a good time talking about them. I like that they cross like the line in an “A” and provide a perfect home for all crotch accoutrements. I believe everything is just pretty much hanging out in there free to dance around as MiG moves. The A-shape provides, as Gina put it, “a perfect greenhouse effect” atmosphere for the bait and tackle. I personally, think the best part is what looks to be bells on the crotch of the pants. It's like he's carrying his very own tambourine. Tambourine pants: a perfect gift for the young rocker who has everything. Those must have been the most uncomfortable pants that he has worn thus far. I think he has to keep his legs so far apart so everything doesn't rub together. Thigh chafe can only slow a rocker down, it's the first rule of rocking.

GINA: Yes, there is such a thing as an enema fetish. When I was working at the porno store,(Hi, Mom! Remember in the summer of '02 and I told you that I was working at a dry cleaners? Uh.....about that. I was actually working at the used book store/porn emporium over on First Capitol. Sorry.) they had the enema videos right next to the "girl taking a dump" and "girl peeing on someone/thing" videos. Dudes (and I will arbitrarily say ladies as well, although I never saw one female rent a video from that particular section) will masturbate to anything. I got a job there because I thought I'd get a lot of funny stories, and oh Lord, how I was right. I'd get into it, but really? This isn't about porn, so I'll move on. I hate to imagine how shriveled and prune-y MiG's testicles were after spending hours in that pant-induced sauna. He probably had to air them out all night to get their shape back. There's only so much talcum powder can do.

CRYSTAL: Gina, I can't believe that you never told your mom you worked at that perv store. You should be ashamed of yourself. And now that I know there really are such things as enema fetishes…I somehow don't find it as awesome.







GINA: I just heard this little popping noise and I can only imagine it was Crystal bursting a blood vessel when she sees that all black on rockers can indeed be ruined. I don't know about you all, but I am interested in hearing what she has to say on this one. Jordis should never wear a turtleneck ever again. Turtlenecks are for tall people with long necks. I feel you, I can't wear them either, because I wind up looking just like you do. When the top of the sweater is hitting the bottom of your chin and resting comfortably, you shouldn't wear a turtleneck. Other than that, she looks old, dowdy, matronly, sexless, and is robbed of her aura of awesomeness. I can only imagine that EM was jealous of all the attention she was getting and got her revenge by making her look like a gothic girl at Homecoming.

CRYSTAL: This blog entry is now coming straight from the Student Health Center because yes, blood vessels have exploded. I keep telling this nurse bitch that I'm fine and I can go, but she keeps saying something about “stroke” or “stroking out,” I don't know I'm not really listening…I've got work to do. I feel like I've stumbled into an alternate universe where up is down, left is right, and EM somehow managed to fuck up wearing black. Like, not just fucked it up a little, fucked it up big time. I don't like to be proved wrong, and the fact that she has managed to prove me wrong about a staple color is just infuriating. Everything on Jordis is wrong. Why do I think all she needs is a monocle in her left eye to complete this look? Has anyone ever read East of Eden? Well, in the second half of the book it talks about how the evil woman character takes over this good 'ol boy's brothel and turns it into an S&M joint. While reading the book I imagined that the evil bitch was wearing something quite like this. Except with more boob. What is with Ellie Mae and brothels? On top of having no taste she's also a perv. For the love of God, people, stop hiring this woman!

GINA: I noticed that EM wrote a poem for Jordis in her description. I will reprint it here

She rocks the Prada boots

And the mahogany crocks

With her eclectic texture

and twisted dread locks

Now I shall share with you a poem I wrote for EM

Fist connects with her face and I hear a crunch,

That's what she gets for being a cunt.

Lock her in the basement, throw out the key,

'Twas there never a stylist as bad as she.

CRYSTAL: Wow, Gina, that is impressive poetic skill. You're like an idiot savant or something.







GINA: I feel like the saucy look on Suzie's face is saying, "Yes, please use this scarf to choke the last breath from me for wearing this hideous jacket." This bell-sleeved waste of bovine has a place, and that is in Prince's closet. Prince is allowed to wear this because he dresses like an oversexed retired truck-stop stripper and yet manages to be cool. He's a lot, as Crystal said, like Cher in that way. Her hair, though? Is really good and she looks great in the face. Again, the fashion equivalent of having a nice personality. I stole that either from Crystal or Go Fug Yourself, which I didn't know about before (I ripped this idea off from Fashion SWAT at somethingawful.com) but am now in love with. Thanks to whoever told me about that. I wanted to give GFY props. Those are funny bitches. And the guys who do Fashion SWAT. They are funny bitches as well.

CRYSTAL: Ah, Jesus. I'm gonna tell you, the main reason I don't like her outfit is because it just reminds me of the performance she did this night. That average, generic performance she insulted Queen with, and the fact that for the first time it occurred to me that INXS probably really are a little deaf and more likely senile. She looks like an asshole. That ridiculous jacket, ginormous orange ring and chickenwire belt? WHAT is that all about? She honestly believes that just because she can put on a costume like this that she can pull it off. She can't. I feel like she's just trying to give a big Fuck You to any boyfriend who ever dumped her and told her she wouldn't amount to anything. Which, more than likely, is all of them. She's just gushing “Look at me! Look at me! I'm on TV! You were so mean to me and now I rule the world! People in TV-land LOVE my crybaby fits and find them endearing! So there!” I pray that Hank Azaria has a stockpile arsenal of Kleenexes on hand, he's gonna need 'em.

GINA: Suzie is forever wearing belts that make her look wider than she is. She seriously has no clue. Here's a RSINXSFT stock tip. Kimberly-Clark is going to see big jumps this quarter. Isn't that so weird? That she's dating or whatevering Hank Azaria? It's so random. I must say that if you were going to lie about dating a celebrity, not that I think Suzie is lying,(and I do have to admit that the Suzie in my head is lying about it. But she doesn't seem to be much like the real Suzie) but Hank Azaria is a pretty good one. He's believable, and people respect him because he's funny and on The Simpsons. He's a nice mid-grade celebrity. You know, I'm still not over the fact she's wearing bell sleeves. Gross.

CRYSTAL: Ugh, they deserve each other.







GINA: Okay, I've decided that we are going to do the one with just Brooke and forgo Dave for this week because his picture is from the chest up and I can't make fun of his testicles then I want nothing to do with him. He does look nice, I will give him that. So onto the important thing here which are Brooke's stupefying hooker boots. Which, oddly enough, are workable, although it would take someone more talented than I. If I ever had need for a stylist, which would be....never, cos, like, who the fuck am I? But let's pretend. I would give them these boots in the interview and say "Make me not look stupid in them." and a good one, a really good one could do it. I don't think they are entirely ugly. Actually, I take that back, I'm short and stumpy, I'm gonna look bad in those no matter what. But a tall bitch could work them. Nice shoestring you got tied around her arm there, EM. Punky Brewster did that, too. For real.

CRYSTAL: No, no, no, no, no…these undesirable boots will not work on anyone. It's like Brooke is a conduit between EM's abdominal taste and tangible actuality. First of all, the boots are white. White boots say one thing, and that one thing is, “twenty for head, fifty for everything.” Secondly, they make Brooke's legs look fat. Something I would have once found impossible. She looks like the lowest form of street walking scum. Not that there is a high form of street walkers, but where she once looked like a high priced call girl, she has to now hit the streets to pay for her baby's formula. I imagine there is a sad, pathetic “man” out there (one who is about thirty-five, lives in his mother's basement, he's unemployed, a virgin and reads comic books and Barely Legal, etc…) who has a beloved blow up doll that he has named and pretends it is his girlfriend--- and she is wearing what Brooke is wearing. I know what you're thinking, like why would he bother dressing the blow up doll? Because a girl can't hang around in a basement naked all day long, we're girls, we get cold.

GINA: When I saw them on the show, I absolutely agreed with you that the boots are goddamn terrible, but in the picture, I dunno. I personally wouldn't wear them, but I think they are definitely do-able. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy.

CRYSTAL: I wish the picture was at a different angle. This overhead does not do it justice. Those boots were just fugly as could be and she looked ridiculous. There is no reason to dress like that when you have a job and a home. And, I don't know, midriffs when you're a mother? I just…I don't know…I have a problem with that.

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae at 10:50 AM | Permalink | Comments

CRYSTAL: Hello All! As much as I am happy that you have returned to listen to us snark and jeer, I have to warn you and say that this is probably the worst week of fashion in the existence of all time and space. This week is truly heinous and I feel like a huge disclaimer is in order. If you proceed and view the gruesome pictures below, you may experience nausea, headache, fatigue, heart palpitations, sweats, rashes and under certain circumstances…death. Save for a few exceptions, it’s bad this week, you guys. Really, really bad. But, otherwise, ENJOY!


WEEK SEVEN






CRYSTAL: MiG, oh god, could someone please help him? Ellie Mae has outdone herself this week…first of all, let me just start by saying that if a real biker saw MiG mocking them in that black leather nightmare and faux “bad ass” visage, his ass would be pummeled to the point that dental identification would be the only thing that the police would have to go by. This outfit has so many focal points that I think my eyes crossed and rolled back in my head simultaneously several times. This has to be the worst costume, by far…the skulls? The astronaut boots? The gigantic leather jacket with shit-kicker insignia? Why? MiG, you’re not punk. You’re barely R&R. Why are you trying so hard to be something other than a softhearted, sensitive man-boy? Listen, fellas, you can’t just wear this outfit on a whim…especially when you are as docile and harmless as little Miguel Ayesa. And while it takes years to grow into a jacket like that, those pants are never acceptable. Never. MiG, this look is not you; EM is just experimenting on her “mannequins” so that she knows what to wear when she finally has the money saved up for that transsexual operation.

GINA: I’m pretty much a complete pussy and don’t enjoy things like being punched or having my hair pulled. I know what my physical limitations are and adjust my attitude accordingly. I don’t want some big girl kicking my ass eight ways to Sunday. And let me say right now that I’m finding that big, mean, 5’11, 200 pound, (most of it legitimately muscle) girl from high school to be a hell of a lot scarier than MiG. I agree with you, Crystal. MiG needs to never try and be tough again. You know, MiG is pleasant in his own innocuous, sexually non-threatening, prancing way. He’s very likeable. But when you put him in a costume that even Rob Halford circa ’85 had the sense to pass on, you make him look like a big, leather fairy. Not in the gay sense, but rather in the literal sense. He's the 80's Cheese Rock Fairy who is responsible for planting the melodies of modern classics such as, “Right Here Waiting for You” and “High Enough” in the minds of Richard Marx and Big Mountain. Wow, after typing that, I feel compelled to set MiG on fire, or to physically harm him somehow. He’s not really the 80's Cheese Rock Fairy, Gina. Deep breath. It’s not his fault. This isn’t about MiG.

CRYSTAL: I too have a hard time remembering that the garbage that MiG displays week after week is Ellie Mae’s fault. This is definitely a case of trying really, really hard not to shoot the messenger with a very large gun.

GINA: I wonder what MiG wears when he's not being forced into increasingly humilating costumes. If someone has free time MiG pictures please email them to me at rsinxsfashiontragedy@yahoo.com. I'm not good at finding pictures. I would really like to see how badly she fucked him over.







CRYSTAL: This is also the worst outfit I have seen on JD thus far (including that see through shirt), it’s giving me a severe case of the Fashion Bends. I’ll take this opportunity to remind our readers that this is the week he sang that “lame doesn’t even begin to explain it” song, Cold As Ice. Not to condone EM on any level, but, this outfit goes PERFECTLY with that song. I would even go so far as to bet this exact combination was probably worn by the lead singer in the video for the original. The whole open shirt is so much worse than a little man-midriff. I hope you’re happy, Gina, this is what you get for complaining about a little stomach. The shirt collar over the jacket collar screams of John Travolta circa 1980. Uck. Even the jacket itself is horrible; it’s an ugly color and the cut is too disco. Yeah, now that I bring that up, this whole outfit is too disco. No one has ever hurt me as bad as EM. That country hag probably convinced him to wear this atrocity with the whole “oh it’s so simple and vintage, it will really emphasize your amazing body…hmmmmm…what are you doing later tonight? What? No, I know I’m married, but I thought we could get together to…umm…discuss your clothes for next week…oh, come one, aren’t you just melting at the sound of my accent and my southern belle charm??” If I ever see that lady, I swear to everything holy…I curse the day she was spawned, I really do.

GINA: Not the biggest Foreigner fan, but I do like “Cold As Ice”, and I liked JD’s version of it. Throwing that out there so everyone knows. Good song. So….I almost hate to say it, because it’s not like I don’t enjoy looking at every inch of his naked skin, but he needs a shirt in a bad way. It’s just silly to wear a jacket AND a button up with full on bare chest. His awkward smirk is not helping him to up the level of sexy, and he needs to do that in order to distract from his disastrous choice of attire. For the third week in a row he is screaming, “ANNOYING, ARROGANT BAND GUY THAT YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO STAND TALKING TO FOR MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.” And it’s making me sad. I want to walk out of this experience liking JD as much as I always did, but goddamn. EM is making it soooooo hard. And as far as the midriff is concerned, I don't mind a little belly with a t-shirt, provided that when the wearer is standing in a normal position the patch is covered. Just not with a collared shirt. That's seriously retarded on a dude.

CRYSTAL: Okay, I’m speechless. I don’t know how I’ll ever take Gina’s word on good music ever again. She is usually my music encyclopedia and reference guide! Gina, I can’t BELIEVE you like that song…I’m going to have to rethink our whole friendship. I feel as though I’ve been duped.

GINA: Everyone's entitled to their fair share of shitty music. I like tons of stuff that I know is bad and annoying but can't help but like. Tori Amos, Destiny's Child, The Ying Yang Twins, select songs from 70's Aerosmith. That Cher "Believe" song, ABBA. No one's perfect.







CRYSTAL: Marty has a great taste in pants. I don’t think anyone can compete. Forget winning RS:INXS, Marty; just be happy to be the Pants King! This particular pair fit seriously well and his belt is perfectly complimentary. And he’s always wearing black, I (heart) that as well. I can’t really tell from this picture, but it looks as though his shirt is see-through. I am really hoping its not. Marty’s a cool guy, he seems to really enjoy what he’s doing and he has his own style that I’m glad did not get cramped from INXS critiques, but no man can pull off the see-through shirt (for proof, see JD, week 4). It’s just ungodly. And then add being abnormally thin and white as snow, yeah, gross. I could check to the video to see if it really is see through, but I don’t want the disappointment that it could bring. I think I will move along and attack his hair now. Marty’s hair is always touch and go with me. It is so thin (this man has nothing thick about him) and dyed Marilyn blonde which I do not believe is doing him any favors. The cut looks like he’s David Spade’s taller, and ever so more awkward, brother. I don’t likey. Especially this week with it bent and flexing in all the wrong directions (must have been humid that day in LA). He needs a haircut. I understand that it must hard to find a style that works with his harsh and sometimes slightly creepy face, but there has to be softer styles that will suit it. I just know there has to be.

GINA: Okay these pants by all means should be vomitous but Marty barely pulls it off. I can't give him full points because the first thing I thought was, "Oh, Beetlejuice. That's a good movie. I fucking love Alec Baldwin. He's the best asshole in the whole world. God, you just know he's a prick in real life. He's awesome." literally. I really enjoy Mr. Baldwin that much. Anyway, I'm sure that wasn't what he was going for and admit it, you thought it, too. Well, not the parts about Alec Baldwin, but the Beetlejuice part. However, and this is what I love about Marty, is that he actually uses his accessories in his favor. Except for that paisley tie. I just pretend it doesn't exist. I don't think I would have liked this as much without the armband. I know that's a small thing but it's the perfect touch. All Marty, I'm sure. I reserve the right to take this all back if he is wearing a see-through shirt. I didn't forgive JD for it, (although he absolutely wore it worse) and I won't forgive Marty. Also, Crystal, if you look long enough Marty becomes any fair skinned, super thin, blonde man you can imagine. And even some non-blondes. He is a gifted in the art of shapeshifting.

CRYSTAL: I love how you worked your fondness of Alec Baldwin into this blog. You truly do have a gift. I don’t know, I really like these pants. It must be the stripes; they remind me of a circus in the best way possible.

GINA: I work in the Baldwin whenever I can. Mostly because I just watched The Last Shot in which he gave a classic performance. The smarm and eyebrows were used to maximum effect. He was at his best. I would like to clarify now that the last thing I want is sex from this man. He is awesome in his asshole-ness. If I ever met Alec Baldwin, the real Alec Baldwin, the one yells uncontrollably and has outbursts of vicious rage, he would blow away any expectations I ever had of him. He's so slimy it's admirable. Okay. Enough with the AB.







CRYSTAL: How old is Ty? 35? 36? Shouldn’t someone have told him by now that he just can not go around wearing the same things he wore when he decided to come out in highschool? Jesus, he is doing the jean/jean combo again, I’m sure no one needs a second public service announcement about that look. The jeans also look a little ass-id wash. I’m sure they’re not, but they look it. I have to wonder why he stopped at the jacket and jeans? It’s so unlike him. I mean, granted, there are a lot of things he could have done to make this whole outfit much worse. He could have worn a white t-shirt with “My People Can Sing R&R, Appreciate It!” wrote in sharpie on the front. He could be wearing buttons on his jacket screaming “Hood Rat-Hood Rat-Hoochie Mama,” or how about, “Me and Aretha, We Got Soul” or a personal favorite, “I’m here, I’m a Rockstar, Get Over It!” (Actually, I shouldn’t be giving him all these suggestions.) Well, all I’m saying is that it could be way worse but I still hate it. Ty, when is it you’re leaving again? You and Ellie Mae have pissed me off one too many times. I may have to go see a doctor to check on these heart palpitations. They’re getting worse.

GINA: You know, at this point, you have to just feel sorry for him. Sorry that he lives in a bubble that is a void of restraint and taste, in a bubble that allows him to frost the tips of his mohawk white and feel unashamed. He has better in him, I know there has been at least once when he wasn't begging for me to rip into him. This is so horrible that I feel bad making fun of it. What can you say? It's not like he'd listen. Take a good look at the face. He feels great. And I suppose I shouldn't be a bitch and rag on his personal style, but you can't be good at everything, Ty. This is your weakness and you need to recognize it and move on. I feel where he is coming from, that desperate, adolescent, place where you feel like your clothes have to represent how unique you are, I've been there. See, the difference is that I was 17 and you're over 30. I would like to think that as we age, we recognize that one or two personal touches accomplish the same thing as piling it all on at once. And it looks a lot better.

CRYSTAL: That’s probably why I’ve grown to dislike Ty so much. He forces me to feel sorry for an attention whore and I don’t like that. I don’t feel sorry for attention whores, it’s not in my nature. Don’t force me to do stuff I don’t like, Ty. It makes me mean, like a cornered animal.

GINA: I found all these pictures of Brandon on his website and I vote that we just replace Ty's pictures with one of Brandon's. Brandon didn't make me feel bad and was always good for a laugh. We let Ty have his black suit with red shirt moment, of course. We must praise him in order to show him he did a good job.







CRYSTAL: Ugh, if I never see a stranger’s bellybutton again, it will be way too soon. Deanna is just above and beyond any critique I can make about her. I mean, I’ll make critiques anyway, but they just won’t compare to what she actually looks like, my talent has limits after all. It’s like she’s banging on the doorway to fashion hell. Now I am positive that she must be an alcoholic. What sober person would wear this? She looks like a slutty mother borrowing her twelve year old daughter’s clothes. Me thinks her Rastafarian hubby should spring for a generator in the RV they live in so she can pick out her clothes for the show and not look like she literally crawled out of the tunnel they’re parked in. Ugh. I hate that Deanna has no shame. I also hate that she can wear a skirt that short at her age and I haven’t been able to wear that size since I was seven. So maybe it’s a little jealousy and the fact that I hate that she doesn’t dress her great figure in more appropriate clothing. Probably more jealousy now that I’m thinking about it…she doesn’t deserve her figure, she treats it so maliciously.

GINA: Aaaaaand dancing on stage three, let's give a big welcome to Double. D. Deeeeeeaaaaana! Then Bob Seger's "Night Moves" kicks in and out she walks wearing this misstep of the century. Based on her outfit, I'd wager she's dancing at Roxy's. (In East St. Louis, the strip club capitol of the Midwest.) Meaning she looks more "titty bar" than "Gentleman's Club". Those girls will do anything for a dollar. I know what you're saying, Crystal. It'd be one thing if she was some old, haggard-looking, boozehound, but she looks great and it's a waste. She doesn't need the ridiculous hair and the fringed trench-sweater. Especially that sweater. It’s ugly, its old, its no longer fashionable. If there is another season of this show and EM is rehired, this blog won't be enough. I will be forced to do something more diabolical. I hate her almost as much as I hate Constantine.

CRYSTAL: Oh, I couldn’t agree with you more…I remember being at work last year talking about, what else, American Idol. There were several women in the office who were in love with Constantine (they were old and horny, say it with me guys, “ewwww”…) anyway, there was a point when I just couldn’t take it anymore and I screamed in the middle of the office “GOD! I can’t believe how much you people like that douche bag! I just wanna…KICK HIM IN THE BALLS!” This entire scenario could easily extend to Ellie Mae. I want to kick her in the balls. I don’t care that she’s a woman. I’ll find balls, and I’ll kick them.

GINA: I notice we make this blog about us a lot of the time. Being self centered rules. Anyway. I still stay his getting kicked off American Idol was the greatest moment in television history. I actually had butterflies in my stomach because I wanted him to go home so bad. Watching Paula's face melt was just a bonus. I wish that Van Halen or whoever does this next fires Ellie Mae during the first episode. On camera. That is the only thing that could knock Contstantine off the top of the list.







CRYSTAL: I’m not in love with Jordis’ jeans but I do love that I can actually see her waist this week. She almost looks normal now, like she has two working legs and arms. Jordis is one of the few singers in this competition who can wear something like this and get away with it. She’s the only real Rockstar girl in this comp. That’s from the coolness within. I wouldn’t know about that personally, but I’ve read about it in magazines and such. I love her jacket, I would wear that jacket. This outfit makes me realize that I really could so be friends with Jordis. I wonder what she’s up to now? Maybe I could give her a call and we could get together for some beers and make fun of Suzie. Good Times.

GINA: You know, I've also had the "Jordis and I would be friends" feeling on and off over the season. I really like her and like this. You're right, Crystal, and I've said it before, Jordis has an innate coolness that allows her to wear things that others would look completely stupid in. She shouldn't be able to work ripped, worn jeans with a tailored pinstripe jacket. I'm of the school that the on the hip belt buckle look is pretty lame, but she's tearing it up. She's kinda like Gwen Stefani in the sense that for whatever reason the ridiculous shit they wear works for them and that it will never work on you. Most of the time on Gwen Stefani. More than she ever, ever, should.







CRYSTAL: There are parts to Suzie’s outfit this week that I don’t hate. I like her jacket and, well, no, I guess that’s it. While she is not as visually offensive this week, I personally find it completely insulting that EM, the fashion dullard, would compare her to Chrissy Hynde. I think Chrissy would lose her freaking mind if she knew EM was taking her name in vain. She would call Suzie a bona fide embarrassment to real women rockers everywhere, citing, among other things, the fact that she cries at least once everygoddamnday. Then, in all her rockstar glory, Chrissy would challenge Suzie to a New Wave street fight. I picture the fight in my head weekly. It ends the same every time, Suzie is on her knees crying and praying to the heavens that if He saved her from this beat down that she would stop saying “rock”, never compare herself to Ms. Hynde again, and get right with God. Jeez, that’s a good daydream. I think I’ll get back to that, excuse me.

GINA: EM only does this because she thinks that brown and black is really edgy and that she's breaking down fashion barriers and breaking all the rules by making it work. See, the reason brown and black don't go together is because they clash and look like shit against each other. Like you don't know how to dress yourself. She's keeps on adding touches of brown to what would otherwise be serviceable ensemble just to be different. That always sets my teeth on edge. Nonsensical originality.

CRYSTAL: That should have been the name of her clothing line!! “Nonsensical Originality” by Ellie Mae.

GINA: Everything about her is so pointless, it's exhausting.







CRYSTAL: I think Ellie Mae must have had a talking down to from Mark Burnett about making Brooke look like a cheap trollop on prime time television, there could be kids watching, for Christ’s sake. I can’t imagine what else could explain why she doesn’t look like she’s been gang-banged by bad fashion as per usual. She looks really nice this week. The dress is plain and pretty and the accessories are minimal. God, I even love her shoes. What is going on? Are Brooke and Ellie Mae friends now? I’d like to think Brooke grew a sac and told Ellie Mae that she was in charge from here on out. Good week for Brooke! I’m so happy for her.

GINA: Oh wow, so Brooke really is beautiful. All the horrible clothes were beginning to make her look homely. I'm not a fan of the Roman sandal, but I am jealous of her ability to not look all cankle-y wearing them. The only thing I can say is that she should have gone to Deanna's doctor for the implants, because hers are looking a little fake, but that's just me being a caddy bitch. She looks wonderful.







CRYSTAL: Girl Jeans Alert! Ladies and Gentleman, this is a Code Five, girls jeans alert, please turn your body to twelve o’clock and on my “go” extend your pointing finger and ridicule…GO! I wonder if they don’t make jeans in Dave’s size? Is that why he’s always going over to the teen girls section in the store and rampaging through their stuff?
(You know the area, remember ladies, the one we all shopped in before we got our mother’s birthing hips? Maybe that’s just me.) Secondly, he must have called up Ellie Mae this week and checked to see what JD was wearing so they could be all girlfriendy and match. I would love to know what real rockers think of Dave Navarro…do they mercilessly rag on him the way I hope? A girl can dream.

GINA: The cool ones do. I bet Maynard James Keenan would. I wonder if all the other real rockers call Dave Little Bitch? That'd rule. I wish he'd quit shifting one leg forward while wearing said girl jeans so that his balls were not, once again, outlined for me. Let me tell you something about the Junior's section. There is no way the shirts they sell over there are sized correctly. I'll start with a medium which I can barely get over my head, and then a large, which is clinging to me like a second, unflattering skin, and then, because I have no shame whatsoever, I go for the extra large and it too is clinging grossly in bad places. Once I even sucked it up and went for the double X in this cowboy sytle button up and wanted to cry as it was slightly too small as well. The juniors section is a self esteem killer. I guess that the stuff over there is supposed to be skintight? XXL? I'm actually sort of proud of myself for not sobbing afterward.

CRYSTAL: I would say its time to start shopping in the age appropriate section, Gina. It does wonders for the self esteem. Also, there’s no chance in running into Dave over there. Oh and also, I agree that Maynard would definitely call Dave Little Bitch but do you think its possible he would refer to him as a “Tool?”

GINA: I can't decide if that was a great pun or the worst pun ever. I'm truly undecided. Occasionally, I will be tempted by a cute top at Famous (mall dept store) from the soul crushing juniors section and even though I know better, it is very fitted, and inevitably the large is too small and I feel awful. But every fiftieth time or so you find one that fits nicely with no bulges and it makes all the self hate worth it.

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae at 12:20 AM | Permalink | Comments

GINA: Welcome to Week six, the halfway point of our tragic journey. How dearly I wish that we could all gather ‘round and discuss how impressed we were with Ellie Mae as the weeks progressed. That maybe she started out rough, but had soon reigned in her weaknesses for 8 inches of bracelets and pants that leave nothing of a man's crotch to the imagination. Alas, this week is no better than those of the past. And Crystal, can I WORD you on the Gina is lazy stuff. I just noticed that everytime I have to start one of these, it takes at least a day or two longer. And I don't even really have to move. Just type. And smoke. I am lazy. Eh, what are you gonna do?


WEEK SIX








GINA: Wow. Jessica looks chubby. I mean, I know she's not. I've done nothing for the past five weeks but look at her toned, flat stomach. I could identify it in a lineup. Is this why she dresses like a tramp all the time? I can see her point now. Keep in mind that chubby for Jessica is normal for any other person. I hate dark brown and black together, maybe worse than I hate anything fashion-wise. Also, I like how, seemingly for shits and giggles, they have thrown in a huge yellow dragon. I think EM is messing with us. Like she knew this blog was going to happen and she thought, :"Fuck those bitches. I'm going to give them something to complain about."

GINA: Jessica’s outfit poses the mathematical question of: How do you make an eighty pound girl look like a fatty? Ellie Mae, in her infinite wisdom, knows the equation. She says take one stretchy-materialed knee length dress, add one god awful cummerbund that holds up your boobs so there is no need for a bra and multiply that answer by two trashy knee high boots and you get your answer. I was also going to make a comment about dark brown and black together, Gina. Now, I know the rules of fashion change all the time but I still am of the school that believes brown and black together is tacky and a major fashion faux pas. So I guess that’s why EM decided to put them together, because she has made her living being one giant walking fashion faux pas. Tackiness just erupts from her naturally, like me and vomit when I see her “work.” This whole outfit makes Jessica look like a colorblind first year college student who just got contacts for the first time and is celebrating by going to her first bar night. Some friends of hers did her hair and makeup because she’s such a tomboy and didn’t know how to do all that “girly stuff.” They just threw all that shit together and said wear it…and she did. The future Ellie Maes of the fashion world, ladies and gentleman, enjoy!

GINA: She looks like she's at the Vacation Bible School mixer and she just knows that she looks cool, but in reality she's not really that cool because it's hard to love Jesus and be cool at the same time. Loving Jesus comes after the years of booze, blow, and cheap sex. She has this air of ultra-prissy awkwardness that a lot of churchy teenage girls have. I never liked those girls. God, you make one corpse-fucking joke and they wanna get all huffy about it.

CRYSTAL: I know exactly what you’re talking about. My sister was one of those girls. I always hated it when one of her friends were in my classes in highschool because they gave me those dirty Christian looks whenever I talked shit about her.









GINA: Crystal, she cannot keep on doing this without facing serious consequences. He looks like such a douchebag. Like the sort of person I would dislike at first sight. And while we're here, I think we all need to observe and learn something from JD. It doesn't matter how good looking you are, how sexy, how whatever...you cannot pull off a fedora. You have a better chance of winning the lottery than not looking like a complete tool while wearing a fedora. I'm not saying never. I can't think of anyone off the top of my head, but I'm sure some of you could find someone (not someone from the past. I am talking within the last 15 years who is not from a movie set in a period when fedoras were actually cool) who is the epitome of awesome in one. I can't pull off a fedora. Neither can Crystal. And truthfully? There's a 95% chance that you nor any of your friends and acquaintances can, either. Just say no.

CRYSTAL: Gina and I have discussed the fedora a lot. I am of the opinion that, to Gina, the fedora is the tangible symbol that forces her to face the reality that JD really is a douchebag. She doesn’t like to remember that because he was her favorite and it embarrasses her…and that’s the main reason she never watched the reality show. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning the fedora in any way whatsoever…I know creative guys always try so hard to find something that makes them uber hip by using props that they have seen in movies like The Godfather or Goodfellas. I personally blame all stereotypical Italian gangster movies for the fedora and the desperate attempt for white guys to look more powerful. But it doesn’t work. Like Gina said, it just makes you look like a total tool. And unfortunately for JD, he is a tool, so he wouldn’t know the difference anyway. Wedding’s still on and everything, I’ve learned to look past the persona. I’ll change him. Once I get my hands on him there will be no more fedoras. Promise.

GINA: You're right. The fedora is the living symbol of the fact that deep down, JD is probably a bit of a douche. I pride myself on one thing, and that is that I will never be attracted to a douchebag. He reminds me of this guy that used to come into my work at the pizza place and hang out with one of the drivers and play his stupid fucking guitar and talk about his poetry and hit on all the girls. Like you'd go out for a smoke, and he'd start strumming that goddamn acoustic guitar and singing the worst kind of sappy punk poppy "I miss my girlfriend" bullshit and he'd steal little sideways glances at you to see if you were paying him attention. I'd just stare ahead, dead silent and eventually he'd give up and start talking about his band and I have never wanted to kick someone in the balls more. The worst was when he did sucker some poor chick into a conversation and I had to listen to him spew lie after lie.Your eyes are beautiful, I'm going to write a poem about them. My band? Yeah, we're playing with Thursday when they come through town. I.....feel....things more.....than most...people. And honestly? JD is probably more that guy than whatever I wish JD was. But hey, what's the point in living in a real reality when you can live a better one in your head?

CRYSTAL: I try not to fall in love with douchbags either. It just happened. What can I say? The heart wants what it wants.










GINA: I have heard back and forth about whether or not Deanna has implants. From this dress, I would vote no. If she does have them, I want the name of her doctor because he is fucking good. That being said, when your breasts are gigantic you should be wearing a bra. I'm straight, so I'm not sure if giant pendulums of thunderous breastflesh bouncing haphazardly, twisting and flipping in every direction is sexy, but all I can think about is how much all that jumping around hurts a braless chest. If she was PMSing I guarantee she was in a horrific amount of pain. The bra thing is more for her than for me. Okay, more for me, but it's not completely selfish.

CRYSTAL: I think she must have been in pain anyway…she doesn’t necessarily have to be PMSing. Let me tell you something about going braless, in case you are in unawares, when you first take off your bra because the shirt looks weird with it, your boobs look pretty good for the most part. They’re buoyant and perky, just like you want. But as the night wears on those bitches get tired and they can’t take the strain anymore. They ultimately let you down and they sag harder than a telephone wire covered in crows. Boobs are assholes like that. Since this is the second entry I’ve dedicated to Deanna’s boobs I’m starting to feel like a pervert. So let me start in on her dress. First of all, the top part is see through. A forty year old woman should never wear a see through top unless that woman happens to be Cher who can do whatever she damn well pleases because she’s awesome like that. The colors are also not very R&R. She looks like she’s attending her first ever Golden Globe awards or something. Not right for this show. But, then, who wears anything right for this show?









GINA: Aw, aw, aw, Jesus Christ. I remember this. God, how I remember this. If I recall correctly, and if I didn't I don't care because this association is seared into my brain, he was wearing a little feather doo-dad on the back of his tail. If they reformed the Village People today, and modernized them, Ty would TOTALLY be the Indian. This isn't a picture from Rock Star, this is from the Village People's press kit. You know, I might be on to something there. If anyone here knows Ty, feel free to tell him my idea. He would be good at it, and I bet he would like it.

CRYSTAL: I also remember his hair from the show and I believe my comment was “He looks like an extra from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. He could so be Tina Turner’s bitch.” I had no idea there was even such a thing as Scottish plaid pants. That phrase should be stricken from every known vocabulary in the world today. This is unbelievably embarrassing for Ty. No one should have to perform in their pajama bottoms, no matter how late it was they got to costume because you lost track of time whilst saying goodbye to your overnight “friend.” Ellie Mae hates it when people don’t respect her schedule, you will pay for your tardiness, Ty demonstrates that.

GINA: Oh yeah right. Ellie Mae loved this. I bet EM and Ty were big girlfriends. She'd set aside special pieces just for him and they'd stay up all night planning his hair and makeup. They'd do the both cheeks kiss kiss thing which is very annoying and trying too hard to be European, like they just got back from vacation and think that they are actually French. And you want to remind them that here in America, we're doing just fine with the handshake. I mean, when in Rome, greet as the Romans do, but when in America and from America, don't invade my personal space.

CRYSTAL: You’re probably right. It’s me who is embarrassed for him. He has no shame. He is the equivalent of a male stripper in this competition. I can’t even look at him without covering my face with my hands first to hide most of my view. He gives me that queasy feeling that only the fear of some guy’s wang gyrating in my face can bring.










GINA: At first I was like, "What the hell kind of barrette is that?" then I realized it was her black streak. I remember back in '95 when James Iha did this and it was cool. For the mathematically challenged, that was ten years ago. I remember being in the eighth grade and really wanting to do this and being pissed off because my mom wouldn't let me. Maybe that is Suzie's problem. Maybe she wanted to dye her hair four different colors when she was fourteen and her mom wouldn't let her. That day she made a promise to herself. When she turned eighteen (or whatever age is legally an adult in Canada. I'm too lazy to look it up. Typical American.) she would do whatever she wanted to do with her hair. And she hasn't let go of the anger yet. She gets a touchup and you can hear her muttering underneath her breath, "Fuck you, Mom. I'm gonna dye my hair however I want. This looks totally awesome."

CRYSTAL: Umm, Gwen Stefani called, and uh, yeah, she said you’re a bitch and ruining her hairstyle. She’d like it back now, ‘cause you’ve like abused it and shit. I wonder what she keeps in that giant, red leather fanny pack? If I know Suzie, and I’d like to think I do, it’s probably her new prescription for Paxil, some tampons and her journal. Her journal entry today starts out with: Dear Diary, I had such a fun time singing that Sam-what’s-his-name song. I think I’m the best singer here and if I could be the only woman left at the end of this I promise to God, I’ll just keep mentioning it over and over and over until people want to put their heads through their TV screen….” And there’re about a hundred more entries just like that.

GINA: I don't think I've got anything that is going to be able to compete with that. Moving along......










GINA: Not the twee legs again. I can't take it. I suppose it is because he is trying for sensitive and vulnerable, but it is so innocent/sexual which is totally creepy to me coming from a grown man. Like he'd take you home and want you to rock him to sleep and would get off on pretending that you are breastfeeding him. I like how Ellie Mae has gone ahead and put him in the jacket, tie, and vest without the shirt. Truthfully, though, I bet that was MiG's call. He knows what kind of power he holds in that chest. A power that I am 199% immune to, but a power nonetheless. I loved how on each show he would rip off his shirt. I always enjoy that in men, that willingness to whore yourself a bit. It amuses me.

CRYSTAL: Okay, MiG, you may want to sit down, I’ve got a couple of compliments. First your hair doesn’t look it usual elf rockery. I almost go as far as to say I like it…and those pants, you must feel like you’re absolutely swimming in those. See MiG, isn’t it nice to be able to sit down without fear of crushing your (probably) permanently scrunched nuts? You can seriously forget about having kids naturally. There are problems with the attire, namely the tie and placement, but instead of proceeding I’m going to quit here. It’s so rare that I can say anything nice about MiG, as a matter of fact I don’t think I have at all aside from this…I’m going to enjoy the moment. Sorry to disappoint.

GINA: Crystal, seriously? Are you telling me that if we went to a show and MiG was performing and we didn't know who he was that we wouldn't DIE laughing at him? At least at first? Just based on outfit alone? Keep in mind that we are the same two girls that went that sketch comedy thing and sat in the very back openly making fun of everything from the people in attendance to the performers. Remember when I said we should be quieter and you said, "No. I hope they hear us and write a sketch about it" and we decided that if they had any kind of sense at all they would cast two ugly, fat men as you and I? You have a ridicule reflex, Crystal, and I can't believe you are denying yourself like this.


CRYSTAL: God, I wonder when it happened I became so mean? It’s like slowly drinking while sitting down. You don’t realize how drunk you are until you stand up…I never realize how good I am at making fun of people until what I say it repeated back to me. God, how hilarious would that sketch be though?? Fat men playing us? I say those are Tony award performances right there. It would certainly be exponentially funnier than the shit they were already doing…you can only go up from that.

In all honesty I would make fun of MiG if I had no prior knowledge of him. But, I’m honoring my commitment to him and letting it go...just this once.









GINA: I love her hair. I love that she is working that big old nest of hair. She looks like a queen. She looks fantastic, except for one drawback. THE HUGE BROWN FLARES THAT ARE POOLING ON THE FLOOR AND THAT DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL. Are you kidding me? I'm at a loss. I don't understand why EM did not put her in black pants. Oh wait....that's right! EM is a fashion retard who shouldn't be allowed to dress her children, much less people on my television. This perfectly demonstrates Ellie Mae's fundamental problem. It's not 100% wrong, it has its points, but she ruins it with little details that she thinks are "elegant" or "rock and roll" and it fucks everything up. The one person that is sure to look like a fool is the person that is trying too hard. We've all seen them and we've felt sorry for them. Well, if you're me, you probably make a crack or two unless they are truly pathetic. And this show was a 12 week parade of trying too hard, fashion-wise. You've done a piss poor job, Ellie Mae, and I think you owe each and every rocker an apology. Except Daphna, because I've seen what she wears in her free time and it's worse than any of the crap you put her in. Congratulations. I guess you did do something right.

CRYSTAL: I agree with the hair. I agree with the shirt. I agree with hating the pants. All together, I would have to say nay to this outfit. It’s the pants. It sways the whole vote. There’s so little else to say. The thing with Jordis is that she has got talent coming out the ass but no ego to defend her against creatures like EM. When you can sing like Jordis, when you have a presence like Jordis, you have to have a voice inside of you saying “I am way better than most people, I need to look like I’m better than most people.” While I love humility and subtlety, I think that deep inside, unbeknownst to anyone else, a “star” must resign themselves to that feeling. They need to look better than everyone because they are on TV and we’re not. We, the viewers, have to be jealous, otherwise, what’s the point?









GINA: I love how he is showcasing his crotch and looks like he's asking you a question. I like to imagine he's bumming a cigarette. I would totally give him one because...that's pretty funny. I think Marty must really love that tie, and I hate to break it to him, but he and I both know that no matter how hard you wish paisley looks bad with stripes. I'm sure that there is a very good reason as to why you wear it, but I know you are better than that. I believe in you. Don't let me down. Please retire it. Or wear it with solid black, or something. No patterns or t-shirts. Compared to the others, you are a shining star and that's why I'm so hard on you. Because I care and because you are the best. Don't make me regret saying that, Marty. I beg you.

CRYSTAL: Ah, Marty, you so look like Halloween Jack this week. I don’t know if this is really what I want to see you in. I image a full velvet pinstripe suit gets pretty hot on stage…doesn’t anyone else worry about sweating? Am I the only human being that sweats? Jeez. Marty really does wear this well, even though the suit is kinda weird looking. It’s too much pinstripe. My forth major rule is do not wear two pinstripe items together. Way too much stripe. If he would have just stuck to one or the other, the pants or the jackets, it would have worked, even with that “vintage” tie. God, why does EM call everything “vintage?” She just throws that word around haphazardly. It just makes her seem more stupid, if that’s possible, like she doesn’t know what it means. I like to think that Marty wears the tie because EM doesn’t like it. She keeps calling it vintage so she doesn’t slip and call it (Insert your own annoying southern accent.) “that ratty ol’ thang that looks like the one my granddaddy wore in his coffin.”








GINA: Brooke and Ellie Mae must have had a confrontation of sorts this week. Maybe EM was in a good mood and was able to let go of her white-hot hatred for Brooke. She looks beautiful. Everything fits well, she is properly accessorized, and her hair and makeup are wonderful. She must have shown up to the taping really late, (maybe on purpose?) and she had no time to change or do her hair and makeup. That's it. I find it hard to believe that EM had anything to do with this.

CRYSTAL: Pinstripes and pinstripes again, I am probably alone in this but I think it looks cheap, that’s the main reason I don’t like it. I also don’t believe that brown is Brooke’s color. Holy mother of God, did you read the description? It says that piece of jewelry around her neck and waist is (A) one piece and (B) that each stone was blessed and allows communication to flow with clarity. WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT. God, rich people will buy ANYTHING! Sheep to the flock-all idiots. You stick a religious “meaning” on any material object and the dupes will follow. And yeah, I’m talking mostly about you, Kabbalists. People in general are total morons, companies know this and feed on our rash impulsiveness and desire to follow the next cool thing. The only way to combat moron-ness is to take a step back and think…”is it possible I am being LIED to on any aspect of this??” Keep that in mind, people, I’m only trying to help.

GINA: Even though I am definitely not from a rich family, I have had the opportunity to be around my fair share of rich kids. It's surprising how many scenesters come from serious money. I have a feeling that's why most of them suck. Actually, it's not all that surprising, because rich kids are the only ones that can afford to sit in their house and paint or play music or do anything creative all day while having no job or responsibilities to get in the way. Anyway, the few genuinely spiritual rich kids I knew were really into Astrology or they were Scientologists. Oh, and by "knew" I mean, "I knew you from going to shows and because my boyfriend at the time was in a band that you fuckers liked for some godforesaken reason but we don't say, hang out" So it's not like I was rolling deep with the rich kids. But anyway. Here's the thing about new age spirtuality and rich people. Christianity is not exotic enough for these rich, white folks. You can't buy eight dollar bottled waters blessed by Jesus himself. You can't buy jewelry guaranteed to open the channels of communication with the hand of Christ. Anyone can pray. But only the elite can hire a former waitress from Santa Fe, New Mexico as her personal full time psychic. When I would talk (or more accurately, when one of them would bother speaking to me) about religion, it was always more about making fun of Christians and typical middle class America than it was about their personal spirituality. It always turned into some holier-than-thou self congratulatory smugfest. Fucking Scientologists. Sure, I make fun of the same things all the time, but those are my people. I'm allowed.

CRYSTAL: Wow, Gina, that was quite the soapbox. I was more just shitting all over their beliefs. You were more shitting all over their entire reason to live. Of course, yours was way funnier.

GINA: Breaking format to promise to never go into another political/religious tirade. It's been a long time since I've thought about all of that stuff and it was written before I knew it. Obviously, I'm still bitter. Apologies, everyone.








GINA: Dave looks like an elementary school kid dressed up as Dave Navarro for Halloween. He has to wear sneakers with his skintight leather pants because he doesn't want to get blisters so he can get shitloads of candy. I've had enough of Dave's balls. He is displaying stupendous amounts of camel toe here and....gross. You know, if someone said either you give Dave Navarro a blowjob or we shoot you in the head, I'd take the bullet. I wouldn't be able to live with myself afterwards if did it. And people would say, "Why did she choose death?" and Crystal would hold up this picture and they would nod with understanding. I realize that for whatever reason, I may be in the minority on this. But yeah. Rather die.


CRYSTAL: See it is pants like this that has forced Dave to walk so funny. He’s got that “I’ve gotta strut and use my hips so no one notices I can’t bend my knees” walk. He has enough odd things about him without the weirdo gait. I like EM’s description, “If anyone can fly, he can!” Is that really a compliment? Isn’t she just calling him a tight-pantsed fairy? Is that just my interpretation? I guess, if any man can fly, it is probably Dave. He probably only weighs 100, 110 pounds…put some giant, mechanized wings on that oversized red shirt and he could definitely get some air between his feet and the ground. Or better yet, Dave! Try jumping off a really tall building…see how that works out for you. I’ll give him one thing…I do notice that he’s not wearing a lot of extraneous metallic jewelry…this is a Casual Navarro look. Yeah. Keep trying, Dave.

GINA: His big puffy shirt mixed with horrifically tight pants is giving me a "fat woman in spandex" vibe. Certainly this couldn't be the best picture they got from this little photo session? Dave preens shamelessly, and if I know anything, it is that he knows what sort of poses are flattering. I'm positive he spends a good part of his day practicing them. Yet week after week he looks like someone making fun of Dave Navarro. Is it subconscious self-loathing?

CRYSTAL: I think it must be fat woman in spandex syndrome! Dave probably feels really guilty about eating that whole bag of movie style popcorn last night (It’s not diet food, you know!) instead of his veggie smoothie and now he feels all fat and bloated and decided to cover up with an old girlfriend’s shirt. She was a professional wrestler…hence the shirt size. He still has to wear the pants like that, because lets face it, men don’t have “fat pants.” He took some water retention pills at lunch. He’ll be back to his normal self tomorrow.

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae at 8:38 PM | Permalink | Comments