Week Seven-It's My Birthday and I Hate Myself
Hey guys. Here we are, a couple of weeks later, and I can no further put off another installment. Today is my birthday (well, the day I started this is, this could be posted anywhere from one week to one year from today) and I as looked back on all 25 bitter and hateful years, I felt like I needed some punishment. So here I am...doing this...again....
xoxoxo
gina
STORM
GINA: It's a man's suit. Straight up. I can't decided who it is that let her borrow it, but I have ruled out Dave, Lukas, and Jason, as her legs alone are taller than they are. Maybe it's an ex-boyfriend's, her dead grandpa's, whatever. Making sure your bra is peeking out the top does nothing to feminize the cut or to remedy that unsightly bunching at the ankles. The last thing the world needs is really tall women in pants that are too long. I know it probably makes you tall broads feel a bit more delicate, but it makes me laugh, and I don't want to laugh at you, Storm. I really don't. Or at any of you other lucky-fuck tall bitches.
CRYSTAL: Guh. To quote Janeane Garafalo in Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, Storm, "is being an idiot [about fashion] like being high...all the time?" Please tell me you hit the pipe while listening to the b-sides of The Talking Heads albums as you picked out this...this...worst outfit ever? Just ever. How do you go wrong time and time again? And its not like you are not trying. I would have a little more respect for the "who gives a fuck" attitude...but she obviously thinks about these trainwrecks. It's high time she start suppressing her natural urge for tragedy and stop making my brain bleed.
GINA: Storm, seriously, myspace friend us or something. WE CAN HELP YOU.
MAGNI
GINA: The man sure does love his Jesus poses, doesn't he? He looks like he is announcing to the house: "Come, my children. I, Magni son of Rock, have turned wine into cocaine, so that we may partake in the true teachings of Rock and Roll. Freebase, friends. Snort until your heart's content. Rock will provide." And then he really regrets the whole idea when Toby starts telling stories about how he was selling like, at least, ten pounds of the stuff a few years ago. But he never got busted because he was always one step ahead of the cops or some other such bullshit. And everyone's like, "Yeah, Toby, you used to be a drug dealer. That's really cool." and he doesn't realize they're being sarcastic.
Hmmm...I probably should have saved that for the Toby critique. Shit.
CRYSTAL: CALLING ALL DON JOHNSON VIA MIAMI VICE HALLOWEEN COSTUMERS, OH YEAH, I MEAN YOU MAGNI--- I'm gonna say to you the same I say to my inmates who have begun to get on my last nerve...go find somewhere to sit down and be quiet before you get locked down.
GINA: Even in this highly mockable suit, he still finds a way to bore the living shit out of me. And I sort of liked him.
RYAN
GINA: Oh Ryan, as the weeks go by you become more and more twee, which as our first season readers will know, makes me feel all "this is where the stranger touched me" and grossed out. He looks like he writes cheesy vampire novels and this is what he would wear to his book signing, where he'd look all self important and fakely "sensitive", much as he does in this photo. He totally buys his own bullshit, and it's sort of sad.
CRYSTAL: Oh dammit. The shame is finally surfacing. He looks like an ad for a Hot Topic goth coat. Even I, in my infinite caustic genius, cannot come up with anything to pretend Ryan is beyond a New Age Edward Rochester from Jane Eyre. I am actually weeping now. My sadness built on months and months of surpressing this guilt of liking Ryan and now its all bubbling like a totally humiliting volcano. This is about the time I find myself eating Hostess cupcakes on the floor of my closet until morning. I'll talk to you guys laters.
GINA: Hallelujah, praise the Lord! Think of this photo like using hydrogen peroxide to clean up a scraped knee. You apply it intially, and nothing really happens, then all the sudden shit starts bubbling and burning, but it's over with quickly enough and you are left sanitary and clean. This was just Ryan's way of releasing you from the guilt and shame. I'm glad you finally see the tool beneath the pretty exterior, Crystal. Sincerely.
CRYSTAL: Look. Don't get too excited. We'll have to see what he's wearing next week. I could still totally change my tune. I've gone back and forth with Matt Damon for years.
Toby
GINA: Now this is how I like Toby. One look at him and I am magically transported to an unnamed music festival, and Toby is the guy who asks if you know where he can get a bag. And then tries to sell you Ectasy. These rolls aren't dopey at all! Pure MDMA! When I meet people like this in real life, I generally wish they would just go far, far, away from me, but drug dealers in my head are always sort of, like, loveable doofuses.
CRYSTAL: You know what would make this outfit better? Death. Sweet, sweet, death. Why is it that Toby's clothes ALWAYS looked like he picked them off the floor, gave them a second smell, and put on the cleanest of the dirtiest? Toby. Go ahead and throw that couture in the washing machine with a little Tide. American made couture can totally take it.
GINA: Toby is totally a "Throw it in the machine with a dryer sheet for 15 minutes" kind of guy. My best friend growing up had an older brother that also subsribed to that method of "washing". We used to sit in the kitchen while he smelled all of his dirty, disgusting, shirts (he was a GIANT stoner hippie and addtionally SUPER hot which I always feel the need to clairify for some reason. The only reason I never had a crush on him was the hippie factor. It was enough to far outweigh the hot. He was really, really, cute, though. Which I guess somewhat explains why he got away with this.) and picked out the one that smelled the least, threw it in the dryer with a sheet and viola! One "clean" shirt!
MC COCKSUCKER
GINA: So Lukas looks like he's just about to take a load on the face from Tommy Lee. That's why he got the job, actually. After so many years of debauchery and orgies on the road, Tommy has developed an unnatural fetish. Seeing midgets covered in his own...you know. It's okay, you can tell from how Lukas has his head thrown jauntily back that this is probably no big punishment for him. He's all, Well, this is still better that being not marginally famous, right? I mean that midget that followed Kid Rock around got to be a professional wrestler. I can parlay this shit, easy.
CRYSTAL: Sooooo...another crucifix, Lukas? No, yeah, I mean, it does have a same effect from the other 25 you've worn on this show. And yep, you are so right, it still has that badboy vibe about the whole thing...that whole tempestuous, rebelling yelling, patron saint of all assholes vibe. And that painter's tape cross on your arm? So very...very...ALRIGHT, I CAN'T FAKE IT ANYMORE...Lukas even your clothes and style have bored me to oblivion. I feel like I'm being forced to re-read Waiting for Godot. You are in no way talented or cool, you poser. And I can say that confidently, being both, of course.
GINA: Crystal that is two literary references in one post. You are a formidable intellectual. Yeah, and I am in total agreement with you about Waiting for Godot, or Waiting for This Shit to End, as I call it.
CRYSTAL: I am such a loser.
PATRICE
GINA: If you have ever wondered how I can hate Patrice so much, allow me to point it out to you. It may have something to do with heeled combat boots, bike shorts, and vagina paneling. It may also pertain to a button up winter-looking jacket with aforementioned bike shorts. It could be that from the boobs up she doesn't look like a pukey mess, making the lower half even more enraging. How appropriate that she scavenged Jill's closet. Two sides of the same bitchy coin, those two. Aaaaaaaaand? I still hate her.
CRYSTAL: If there ever was a whore off on a reality television competition I would hope it would be between Patrice and Jill. Because, in all seriousness, whoever lost, WE'D still come out winners. You know, since they were both kicked off the show I think I could put this whole thing together. I could get some sort of catwalk, a blow up pool, some homemade cactus jelly ('cause it smells weird), a few bike shorts and cone bras...we could have ourselves the best whore off there ever was! Anyone intested in an invite, just email us!
GINA: Did you ever see the South Park episode where Mr. Slave gets into a Whore Off with Paris Hilton? You should, it's pretty awesome. Network Execs, if you're reading, Crystal's onto a great idea. The best of reality show whores duke it out, eventually crowning the Biggest Whore in the World. I've got Trishelle from the Real World on line two, and she is ready whenever you are.
CRYSTAL: How sad is it that I know Trishelle's name as well as my own?
DILANA
GINA: Since I am, at any given time, about 2 years behind the rest of the world, I have just discovered the absolute pleasure that is the HBO original series Deadwood. I love any show that uses the words cocksucker and fuck as liberally as I do in my own life. Anyway, from the moment I laid eyes on the whores in Al Swearengen's brothel, I was acutely reminded of Dilana, who looks just as rough and is often dressed for the period. Well, except that the whores on Deadwood have slightly better taste. So now, when I see good ol' Dil, I pretty much just wish that Al Swearengen would show up, drop a nugget or two of his hilarious, hilarious wisdom (i.e. "Declare or shut the fuck up", "Lying causes cat-piss smell" and "That man is fucking cuntstruck") and have Dan Dority take his knife to her. Oh, Al Swearengen, how I wish you were real. And that we were friends.
CRYSTAL: Gina, I'm surprised that we've never shared our Swearengen love talk...he is the ONLY reason I watch that show. The best motherfucking curser that ever cursed a motherfucking word. And how great is it that his last name actually has "swear" in it? Okay...back to Dil...
GINA: No, fuck Dilana, I would much rather talk about Al Swearengen. He doesn't wear mail order costume whore ensembles and display a palpable pathological neediness. Anyway, how can you not love Johnny? ("I've been waiting for this moment, Al, ever since you give me that Indian head to take care of.") Or Dan???!! Pretty much everyone that works at the Gem is what makes the show so good. Seriously, I really fucking love Deadwood. I'm an only child, my father had to make due with what he had, so consequently, I have a childhood ripe with Westerns and professional wrestling. If you have any affection for Westerns at all, check it out. It goes against genre in a really awesome, hilarious, way.
CRYSTAL: You're right. I like the show for all those colorful people at the beautifully earthy "Gem." And thank you, very much, for saving me from having to critique Dilana. She's sooo not as interesting as true whores and pimps.
xoxoxo
gina
CRYSTAL: Guh. To quote Janeane Garafalo in Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, Storm, "is being an idiot [about fashion] like being high...all the time?" Please tell me you hit the pipe while listening to the b-sides of The Talking Heads albums as you picked out this...this...worst outfit ever? Just ever. How do you go wrong time and time again? And its not like you are not trying. I would have a little more respect for the "who gives a fuck" attitude...but she obviously thinks about these trainwrecks. It's high time she start suppressing her natural urge for tragedy and stop making my brain bleed.
GINA: Storm, seriously, myspace friend us or something. WE CAN HELP YOU.
GINA: The man sure does love his Jesus poses, doesn't he? He looks like he is announcing to the house: "Come, my children. I, Magni son of Rock, have turned wine into cocaine, so that we may partake in the true teachings of Rock and Roll. Freebase, friends. Snort until your heart's content. Rock will provide." And then he really regrets the whole idea when Toby starts telling stories about how he was selling like, at least, ten pounds of the stuff a few years ago. But he never got busted because he was always one step ahead of the cops or some other such bullshit. And everyone's like, "Yeah, Toby, you used to be a drug dealer. That's really cool." and he doesn't realize they're being sarcastic.
Hmmm...I probably should have saved that for the Toby critique. Shit.
CRYSTAL: CALLING ALL DON JOHNSON VIA MIAMI VICE HALLOWEEN COSTUMERS, OH YEAH, I MEAN YOU MAGNI--- I'm gonna say to you the same I say to my inmates who have begun to get on my last nerve...go find somewhere to sit down and be quiet before you get locked down.
GINA: Even in this highly mockable suit, he still finds a way to bore the living shit out of me. And I sort of liked him.
GINA: Oh Ryan, as the weeks go by you become more and more twee, which as our first season readers will know, makes me feel all "this is where the stranger touched me" and grossed out. He looks like he writes cheesy vampire novels and this is what he would wear to his book signing, where he'd look all self important and fakely "sensitive", much as he does in this photo. He totally buys his own bullshit, and it's sort of sad.
CRYSTAL: Oh dammit. The shame is finally surfacing. He looks like an ad for a Hot Topic goth coat. Even I, in my infinite caustic genius, cannot come up with anything to pretend Ryan is beyond a New Age Edward Rochester from Jane Eyre. I am actually weeping now. My sadness built on months and months of surpressing this guilt of liking Ryan and now its all bubbling like a totally humiliting volcano. This is about the time I find myself eating Hostess cupcakes on the floor of my closet until morning. I'll talk to you guys laters.
GINA: Hallelujah, praise the Lord! Think of this photo like using hydrogen peroxide to clean up a scraped knee. You apply it intially, and nothing really happens, then all the sudden shit starts bubbling and burning, but it's over with quickly enough and you are left sanitary and clean. This was just Ryan's way of releasing you from the guilt and shame. I'm glad you finally see the tool beneath the pretty exterior, Crystal. Sincerely.
CRYSTAL: Look. Don't get too excited. We'll have to see what he's wearing next week. I could still totally change my tune. I've gone back and forth with Matt Damon for years.
GINA: Now this is how I like Toby. One look at him and I am magically transported to an unnamed music festival, and Toby is the guy who asks if you know where he can get a bag. And then tries to sell you Ectasy. These rolls aren't dopey at all! Pure MDMA! When I meet people like this in real life, I generally wish they would just go far, far, away from me, but drug dealers in my head are always sort of, like, loveable doofuses.
CRYSTAL: You know what would make this outfit better? Death. Sweet, sweet, death. Why is it that Toby's clothes ALWAYS looked like he picked them off the floor, gave them a second smell, and put on the cleanest of the dirtiest? Toby. Go ahead and throw that couture in the washing machine with a little Tide. American made couture can totally take it.
GINA: Toby is totally a "Throw it in the machine with a dryer sheet for 15 minutes" kind of guy. My best friend growing up had an older brother that also subsribed to that method of "washing". We used to sit in the kitchen while he smelled all of his dirty, disgusting, shirts (he was a GIANT stoner hippie and addtionally SUPER hot which I always feel the need to clairify for some reason. The only reason I never had a crush on him was the hippie factor. It was enough to far outweigh the hot. He was really, really, cute, though. Which I guess somewhat explains why he got away with this.) and picked out the one that smelled the least, threw it in the dryer with a sheet and viola! One "clean" shirt!
GINA: So Lukas looks like he's just about to take a load on the face from Tommy Lee. That's why he got the job, actually. After so many years of debauchery and orgies on the road, Tommy has developed an unnatural fetish. Seeing midgets covered in his own...you know. It's okay, you can tell from how Lukas has his head thrown jauntily back that this is probably no big punishment for him. He's all, Well, this is still better that being not marginally famous, right? I mean that midget that followed Kid Rock around got to be a professional wrestler. I can parlay this shit, easy.
CRYSTAL: Sooooo...another crucifix, Lukas? No, yeah, I mean, it does have a same effect from the other 25 you've worn on this show. And yep, you are so right, it still has that badboy vibe about the whole thing...that whole tempestuous, rebelling yelling, patron saint of all assholes vibe. And that painter's tape cross on your arm? So very...very...ALRIGHT, I CAN'T FAKE IT ANYMORE...Lukas even your clothes and style have bored me to oblivion. I feel like I'm being forced to re-read Waiting for Godot. You are in no way talented or cool, you poser. And I can say that confidently, being both, of course.
GINA: Crystal that is two literary references in one post. You are a formidable intellectual. Yeah, and I am in total agreement with you about Waiting for Godot, or Waiting for This Shit to End, as I call it.
CRYSTAL: I am such a loser.
GINA: If you have ever wondered how I can hate Patrice so much, allow me to point it out to you. It may have something to do with heeled combat boots, bike shorts, and vagina paneling. It may also pertain to a button up winter-looking jacket with aforementioned bike shorts. It could be that from the boobs up she doesn't look like a pukey mess, making the lower half even more enraging. How appropriate that she scavenged Jill's closet. Two sides of the same bitchy coin, those two. Aaaaaaaaand? I still hate her.
CRYSTAL: If there ever was a whore off on a reality television competition I would hope it would be between Patrice and Jill. Because, in all seriousness, whoever lost, WE'D still come out winners. You know, since they were both kicked off the show I think I could put this whole thing together. I could get some sort of catwalk, a blow up pool, some homemade cactus jelly ('cause it smells weird), a few bike shorts and cone bras...we could have ourselves the best whore off there ever was! Anyone intested in an invite, just email us!
GINA: Did you ever see the South Park episode where Mr. Slave gets into a Whore Off with Paris Hilton? You should, it's pretty awesome. Network Execs, if you're reading, Crystal's onto a great idea. The best of reality show whores duke it out, eventually crowning the Biggest Whore in the World. I've got Trishelle from the Real World on line two, and she is ready whenever you are.
CRYSTAL: How sad is it that I know Trishelle's name as well as my own?
GINA: Since I am, at any given time, about 2 years behind the rest of the world, I have just discovered the absolute pleasure that is the HBO original series Deadwood. I love any show that uses the words cocksucker and fuck as liberally as I do in my own life. Anyway, from the moment I laid eyes on the whores in Al Swearengen's brothel, I was acutely reminded of Dilana, who looks just as rough and is often dressed for the period. Well, except that the whores on Deadwood have slightly better taste. So now, when I see good ol' Dil, I pretty much just wish that Al Swearengen would show up, drop a nugget or two of his hilarious, hilarious wisdom (i.e. "Declare or shut the fuck up", "Lying causes cat-piss smell" and "That man is fucking cuntstruck") and have Dan Dority take his knife to her. Oh, Al Swearengen, how I wish you were real. And that we were friends.
CRYSTAL: Gina, I'm surprised that we've never shared our Swearengen love talk...he is the ONLY reason I watch that show. The best motherfucking curser that ever cursed a motherfucking word. And how great is it that his last name actually has "swear" in it? Okay...back to Dil...
GINA: No, fuck Dilana, I would much rather talk about Al Swearengen. He doesn't wear mail order costume whore ensembles and display a palpable pathological neediness. Anyway, how can you not love Johnny? ("I've been waiting for this moment, Al, ever since you give me that Indian head to take care of.") Or Dan???!! Pretty much everyone that works at the Gem is what makes the show so good. Seriously, I really fucking love Deadwood. I'm an only child, my father had to make due with what he had, so consequently, I have a childhood ripe with Westerns and professional wrestling. If you have any affection for Westerns at all, check it out. It goes against genre in a really awesome, hilarious, way.
CRYSTAL: You're right. I like the show for all those colorful people at the beautifully earthy "Gem." And thank you, very much, for saving me from having to critique Dilana. She's sooo not as interesting as true whores and pimps.
It's so funny - I scroll down and see the picture and immediately start thinking to myself, "Oh, no."
You've become so good at deservedly shredding our clueless lil' rockers that I almost want to step in between and shield them from the impending carnage. But then I realize that I would be depriving myself of feeling better about myself at their expense. So I step back and enjoy. Well done.
And happy birthday. I mean that.
Posted by
Sid |
October 10, 2006 3:42 PM
... i can't believe you actually called Ryan Star "twee"... Ryan Star is dark... DARK, DARK, DARK! I MEAN LOOK AT THE GIANT BUTTONS ON THAT JACKET...Their sheer bigness just screams " I HATE BEAT HAPPENING, I HATE SHARON RECORDS, HEAVENLY SUCKED... AND YES, CALVIN... I'M TOO COOL FOR CANDY!"... then, of course he goes home, puts on The Vaselines and proceeds to dance in his Strawberry Shortcake underwear. (okay those are all the "twee as fuck" references i can muster at this juncture).
Also... I think it's time for me to reveal my shameful solidartity with Crystal.... i too have a hardcore boner for Ryan Star. i'm his myspace friend. i own his CD. i even have his picture on my cell phone. But even my insanity has its limits... this jacket makes him look dorkily out of touch at best and at worst makes him look like the synth player in a Cure cover band. *shudder* (i'd still totally do him though).
in other news: MC Cocksucker?! ROFL...after all this time... you girls still got it!
♥ sheria.
post scriptum: HAPPY BIRTHDAY GINA!... you've brought so much joy to our lives... and inflicted so much well-deserved pain on perpetrators of bad fashion on reality T.V. rock singing competitions... thank you for living.... Jesus loves you.
Posted by
Anonymous |
October 11, 2006 8:18 PM
You have to love someone who celebrates their birthday by giving YOU a birthday present. I mean really, you girls just keep bringing it to a new level every post.
Some highlights (hell, the whole thing is basically fabulous but what's the point in me quoting the entire post - that's just plagiarism)...
stop making my brain bleed
the whole Magni drug dealer part
months and months of surpressing this guilt of liking Ryan and now its all bubbling like a totally humiliting volcano. This is about the time I find myself eating Hostess cupcakes on the floor of my closet until morning
So Lukas looks like he's just about to take a load on the face from Tommy Lee
this might be the best line of the blog, i think i might have pulled something laughing...hopefully my face didn't resemble Lukas's in any way while i was laughing though
vagina paneling
Posted by
Anonymous |
October 22, 2006 9:57 AM
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