Week Eight-The Baby Ain't Feedin' Itself
GINA: This week is again staggering in its gaudy, pointless, trying too hard-hood. Excepting Marty and surprisingly, thankfully, Ty. You would think after being subjected to this experiment in fashion torture all summer, and now spending parts of my week staring at her abominable creations, that my hate would lessen. Alas, it burns ever brighter within me. My resolve strengthens with every brown and black, every gauntlet, every time she uses more than two necklaces. I did think of something Ellie Mae is good for. If I ever have a daughter, and she decides that she really wants to be a stylist but has an awful fashion sense, I won't discourage her from pursuing her dream. I will tell her the story of Ellie Mae, and that it doesn't matter if you are any good at putting together an outfit. As long as you can convince people that what you are doing is "cool" then you can be a successful stylist. And I won't even be lying to my theoretical daughter. Because it happened and it will happen again. And we will be there, mocking it.
WEEK EIGHT
GINA: I guess EM stumbled upon the notion that red and black look pretty good together and are hard to fuck up. I say this because she has Marty, Ty, and Dave in the combo. I love (and by love I mean am absolutely infuriated by) how she has to kill a good thing EVERY TIME. It's like she can't stop herself from pushing it over the line. Either she's creating nauseating rock-frocks using every accessory known to man, or she's making three people look very good by wearing essentially the same thing. She's the kind of person that hits on 20, thinking that they're going to get lucky, and always she busts. Look at Marty. Fantastic. Nothing to complain about. Then his victory (and more frustratingly, Ty's) is tragically reduced, to borrow a phrase, by having two of the others in this same basic look.
CRYSTAL: Ah, Marty, If I had a thing for you I would want you to wear outfits like this all the time. You look really hot. I'm not a fan of the hair, as per usual, but he looks tall and confident and not at all like the squirmy, spastic performer he was at the beginning of this show. His act has finally caught up to his fashion sensibility by this week. I was very happy with him after this show. Nothing wrong, nothing bad, good job MC! Way to ignore Ellie Mae. I'm always happy to see that.
GINA: Thanks, Crystal. For you have given me a better understanding of what might have caused Ellie Mae to three-peat. I'm thinking that Marty had this all picked out and was ready to go when EM came over and she was like, "Oh, Marrrrrrrteeeee I found these orange patent leather moon boots that are gonna look super-cute with that suit." And Marty politely backed out of it, but EM was still pissed, because....hello? Who's the one being paid to dress you?(dude, did anyone else's eye start to twitch furiously after reading that?) And that, in her mind, makes her a better dresser than Marty. So she's all angry and is like, you know what? I'm going to ruin his night, and proceeded to use her best friends, Ty and Dave, to implement her revenge. You only hurt yourself when you hurt your friends, EM.
CRYSTAL: I always like to believe that Marty is the commander of the polite ignore. Like when he doesn't want to listen to what you're saying he'll just kinda daze off into the sky with his big hammerhead shark eyes and no one is any the wiser 'case he's kinda a weird guy anyway. Marty rules. I'll bet he's good times.
GINA: I like his suit, I like his pose, and I don't have the heart to say anything negative. I'm very sorry that EM ruined your best night. If I ever meet her, I'll insult her just for you. Nice job. You're even working your mohawk.
CRYSTAL: You know why this whole look works so well for him? It's not the fact that he is simple and pretty, it's not that he's wearing red and black, it is not the fact that I can literally only see one piece of jewelry. While all of that does help, they are not the reason he looks so properly appealing this week. The reason is that his eyes are covered up. No one can see that smarmy, man-rag, snarky, better than thou look in his eyes. He looks good. This was his last performance, right? Good job, Ty. It's too bad you saved it all till the week you get booted.
GINA: I was going to give a sarcastic goodbye, but I decided to let it go and let Ty have his moment. Besides, I'm sure that he'll show up again in the extras that we are starting next update. We only have three weeks left, so we should probably get on those. We'll be doing the boys in our band, INXS, along with some of our favorite moments, fashion and otherwise, from the show, hell, we'll even take requests. Email us if there is any ensemble that you would especially like to see destroyed. rsinxsfashiontragedy@yahoo.com
CRYSTAL: I am of the personal opinion that Ty doesn't need any more “Ty moments,” his ego is big enough. Frankly, I was happy to see him go after this week. He went out with a Big Bang! In some circles, that's what he's better known for.
GINA: I'm going with the obvious here, which is that he looks like a six foot turd. This is very disconcerting, considering his _expression is very appealing to me. I like the more confident, less smarmy vibe I am getting. However, I don't like being reminded of poop and sex at the same time, and it makes me concerned that she is trying to push some sort of deviant agenda. JD's ring-celet is much like the hand-wire throw-y deal Jet Li used in Lethal Weapon 4. It's fun to imagine that everyone huddled outside Suzie's dressing room door, laughing their asses off, as JD keeps using it to knock over stuff on her dressing table. Then Suzie starts crying because she thinks the room is haunted, and everyone feels bad, so they stop. They leave, sharing a vague sense of resentment towards her for being such a crybaby all the time.
CRYSTAL: Has everyone seen the picture on the cover of OK! Magazine of Ashton Kutcher's and Demi Moore's sham wedding? Did you notice what that giant tool, Ashton, is wearing? That's right, a fedora. JD, that should be your “case in point” of why it is not cool to wear a fedora. Forget about all those feelings of “well, maybe he doesn't look good with one, but I do, because I'm much prettier.” While you are indeed prettier, you still can't pull off a fedora. I don't know, Gina, I kinda like him in brown. I don't really mind what he's wearing below the chin. BUT, having said that, I do remember that this was not the whole outfit. He was also wearing a giant brown jacket and hideous black sunglasses. That's Ellie Mae for you, never just stopping when the outfit has reached acceptable. She always has to step over the line and make some ugly.
GINA: It's not the color that bugs so much as the collared sleeveless button up. I know they are popular, and I realize that this is more of a personal thing, but I hate those. I don't like having your neck covered up with no sleeves. It's so classless. I know I'm probably the only person that thinks that, but, y'know, you like what you like, you hate what you hate.
CRYSTAL: Understood, I feel the same about wearing too many pinstripes. I think it looks cheap but I have never heard anyone agree. It's just that chocolaty brown is so JDs color. He looks great in it. (For other example see JD, INXS interviews.)
GINA: Wow, after all this time of bitching about seeing Mig's balls, I must say that seeing him without them is, maybe, the most unsettling thing I've ever seen in all of my life. I don't know if it is the lighting, or the fit of the pant, but it appears as though MiG's torso is facing a different direction than his legs. Meaning, his crotch looks like his ass. Again, I am forced to believe that she is using subliminal messages to promote a life of scatological sex play. I don't care what you do in the bedroom, Ellie Mae, but children watch this show and I won't have you turning them into confused teenagers with enema fetishes.
CRYSTAL: Do you think there is a fetish for enemas? That's awesome. These pants are the best. And by the “best” I mean that they provide a hilarious array of mocking and laughing. Gina and I had a good time talking about them. I like that they cross like the line in an “A” and provide a perfect home for all crotch accoutrements. I believe everything is just pretty much hanging out in there free to dance around as MiG moves. The A-shape provides, as Gina put it, “a perfect greenhouse effect” atmosphere for the bait and tackle. I personally, think the best part is what looks to be bells on the crotch of the pants. It's like he's carrying his very own tambourine. Tambourine pants: a perfect gift for the young rocker who has everything. Those must have been the most uncomfortable pants that he has worn thus far. I think he has to keep his legs so far apart so everything doesn't rub together. Thigh chafe can only slow a rocker down, it's the first rule of rocking.
GINA: Yes, there is such a thing as an enema fetish. When I was working at the porno store,(Hi, Mom! Remember in the summer of '02 and I told you that I was working at a dry cleaners? Uh.....about that. I was actually working at the used book store/porn emporium over on First Capitol. Sorry.) they had the enema videos right next to the "girl taking a dump" and "girl peeing on someone/thing" videos. Dudes (and I will arbitrarily say ladies as well, although I never saw one female rent a video from that particular section) will masturbate to anything. I got a job there because I thought I'd get a lot of funny stories, and oh Lord, how I was right. I'd get into it, but really? This isn't about porn, so I'll move on. I hate to imagine how shriveled and prune-y MiG's testicles were after spending hours in that pant-induced sauna. He probably had to air them out all night to get their shape back. There's only so much talcum powder can do.
CRYSTAL: Gina, I can't believe that you never told your mom you worked at that perv store. You should be ashamed of yourself. And now that I know there really are such things as enema fetishes…I somehow don't find it as awesome.
GINA: I just heard this little popping noise and I can only imagine it was Crystal bursting a blood vessel when she sees that all black on rockers can indeed be ruined. I don't know about you all, but I am interested in hearing what she has to say on this one. Jordis should never wear a turtleneck ever again. Turtlenecks are for tall people with long necks. I feel you, I can't wear them either, because I wind up looking just like you do. When the top of the sweater is hitting the bottom of your chin and resting comfortably, you shouldn't wear a turtleneck. Other than that, she looks old, dowdy, matronly, sexless, and is robbed of her aura of awesomeness. I can only imagine that EM was jealous of all the attention she was getting and got her revenge by making her look like a gothic girl at Homecoming.
CRYSTAL: This blog entry is now coming straight from the Student Health Center because yes, blood vessels have exploded. I keep telling this nurse bitch that I'm fine and I can go, but she keeps saying something about “stroke” or “stroking out,” I don't know I'm not really listening…I've got work to do. I feel like I've stumbled into an alternate universe where up is down, left is right, and EM somehow managed to fuck up wearing black. Like, not just fucked it up a little, fucked it up big time. I don't like to be proved wrong, and the fact that she has managed to prove me wrong about a staple color is just infuriating. Everything on Jordis is wrong. Why do I think all she needs is a monocle in her left eye to complete this look? Has anyone ever read East of Eden? Well, in the second half of the book it talks about how the evil woman character takes over this good 'ol boy's brothel and turns it into an S&M joint. While reading the book I imagined that the evil bitch was wearing something quite like this. Except with more boob. What is with Ellie Mae and brothels? On top of having no taste she's also a perv. For the love of God, people, stop hiring this woman!
GINA: I noticed that EM wrote a poem for Jordis in her description. I will reprint it here
She rocks the Prada boots
And the mahogany crocks
With her eclectic texture
and twisted dread locks
Now I shall share with you a poem I wrote for EM
Fist connects with her face and I hear a crunch,
That's what she gets for being a cunt.
Lock her in the basement, throw out the key,
'Twas there never a stylist as bad as she.
CRYSTAL: Wow, Gina, that is impressive poetic skill. You're like an idiot savant or something.
GINA: I feel like the saucy look on Suzie's face is saying, "Yes, please use this scarf to choke the last breath from me for wearing this hideous jacket." This bell-sleeved waste of bovine has a place, and that is in Prince's closet. Prince is allowed to wear this because he dresses like an oversexed retired truck-stop stripper and yet manages to be cool. He's a lot, as Crystal said, like Cher in that way. Her hair, though? Is really good and she looks great in the face. Again, the fashion equivalent of having a nice personality. I stole that either from Crystal or Go Fug Yourself, which I didn't know about before (I ripped this idea off from Fashion SWAT at somethingawful.com) but am now in love with. Thanks to whoever told me about that. I wanted to give GFY props. Those are funny bitches. And the guys who do Fashion SWAT. They are funny bitches as well.
CRYSTAL: Ah, Jesus. I'm gonna tell you, the main reason I don't like her outfit is because it just reminds me of the performance she did this night. That average, generic performance she insulted Queen with, and the fact that for the first time it occurred to me that INXS probably really are a little deaf and more likely senile. She looks like an asshole. That ridiculous jacket, ginormous orange ring and chickenwire belt? WHAT is that all about? She honestly believes that just because she can put on a costume like this that she can pull it off. She can't. I feel like she's just trying to give a big Fuck You to any boyfriend who ever dumped her and told her she wouldn't amount to anything. Which, more than likely, is all of them. She's just gushing “Look at me! Look at me! I'm on TV! You were so mean to me and now I rule the world! People in TV-land LOVE my crybaby fits and find them endearing! So there!” I pray that Hank Azaria has a stockpile arsenal of Kleenexes on hand, he's gonna need 'em.
GINA: Suzie is forever wearing belts that make her look wider than she is. She seriously has no clue. Here's a RSINXSFT stock tip. Kimberly-Clark is going to see big jumps this quarter. Isn't that so weird? That she's dating or whatevering Hank Azaria? It's so random. I must say that if you were going to lie about dating a celebrity, not that I think Suzie is lying,(and I do have to admit that the Suzie in my head is lying about it. But she doesn't seem to be much like the real Suzie) but Hank Azaria is a pretty good one. He's believable, and people respect him because he's funny and on The Simpsons. He's a nice mid-grade celebrity. You know, I'm still not over the fact she's wearing bell sleeves. Gross.
CRYSTAL: Ugh, they deserve each other.
GINA: Okay, I've decided that we are going to do the one with just Brooke and forgo Dave for this week because his picture is from the chest up and I can't make fun of his testicles then I want nothing to do with him. He does look nice, I will give him that. So onto the important thing here which are Brooke's stupefying hooker boots. Which, oddly enough, are workable, although it would take someone more talented than I. If I ever had need for a stylist, which would be....never, cos, like, who the fuck am I? But let's pretend. I would give them these boots in the interview and say "Make me not look stupid in them." and a good one, a really good one could do it. I don't think they are entirely ugly. Actually, I take that back, I'm short and stumpy, I'm gonna look bad in those no matter what. But a tall bitch could work them. Nice shoestring you got tied around her arm there, EM. Punky Brewster did that, too. For real.
CRYSTAL: No, no, no, no, no…these undesirable boots will not work on anyone. It's like Brooke is a conduit between EM's abdominal taste and tangible actuality. First of all, the boots are white. White boots say one thing, and that one thing is, “twenty for head, fifty for everything.” Secondly, they make Brooke's legs look fat. Something I would have once found impossible. She looks like the lowest form of street walking scum. Not that there is a high form of street walkers, but where she once looked like a high priced call girl, she has to now hit the streets to pay for her baby's formula. I imagine there is a sad, pathetic “man” out there (one who is about thirty-five, lives in his mother's basement, he's unemployed, a virgin and reads comic books and Barely Legal, etc…) who has a beloved blow up doll that he has named and pretends it is his girlfriend--- and she is wearing what Brooke is wearing. I know what you're thinking, like why would he bother dressing the blow up doll? Because a girl can't hang around in a basement naked all day long, we're girls, we get cold.
GINA: When I saw them on the show, I absolutely agreed with you that the boots are goddamn terrible, but in the picture, I dunno. I personally wouldn't wear them, but I think they are definitely do-able. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy.
CRYSTAL: I wish the picture was at a different angle. This overhead does not do it justice. Those boots were just fugly as could be and she looked ridiculous. There is no reason to dress like that when you have a job and a home. And, I don't know, midriffs when you're a mother? I just…I don't know…I have a problem with that.
GINA: I guess EM stumbled upon the notion that red and black look pretty good together and are hard to fuck up. I say this because she has Marty, Ty, and Dave in the combo. I love (and by love I mean am absolutely infuriated by) how she has to kill a good thing EVERY TIME. It's like she can't stop herself from pushing it over the line. Either she's creating nauseating rock-frocks using every accessory known to man, or she's making three people look very good by wearing essentially the same thing. She's the kind of person that hits on 20, thinking that they're going to get lucky, and always she busts. Look at Marty. Fantastic. Nothing to complain about. Then his victory (and more frustratingly, Ty's) is tragically reduced, to borrow a phrase, by having two of the others in this same basic look.
CRYSTAL: Ah, Marty, If I had a thing for you I would want you to wear outfits like this all the time. You look really hot. I'm not a fan of the hair, as per usual, but he looks tall and confident and not at all like the squirmy, spastic performer he was at the beginning of this show. His act has finally caught up to his fashion sensibility by this week. I was very happy with him after this show. Nothing wrong, nothing bad, good job MC! Way to ignore Ellie Mae. I'm always happy to see that.
GINA: Thanks, Crystal. For you have given me a better understanding of what might have caused Ellie Mae to three-peat. I'm thinking that Marty had this all picked out and was ready to go when EM came over and she was like, "Oh, Marrrrrrrteeeee I found these orange patent leather moon boots that are gonna look super-cute with that suit." And Marty politely backed out of it, but EM was still pissed, because....hello? Who's the one being paid to dress you?(dude, did anyone else's eye start to twitch furiously after reading that?) And that, in her mind, makes her a better dresser than Marty. So she's all angry and is like, you know what? I'm going to ruin his night, and proceeded to use her best friends, Ty and Dave, to implement her revenge. You only hurt yourself when you hurt your friends, EM.
CRYSTAL: I always like to believe that Marty is the commander of the polite ignore. Like when he doesn't want to listen to what you're saying he'll just kinda daze off into the sky with his big hammerhead shark eyes and no one is any the wiser 'case he's kinda a weird guy anyway. Marty rules. I'll bet he's good times.
GINA: I like his suit, I like his pose, and I don't have the heart to say anything negative. I'm very sorry that EM ruined your best night. If I ever meet her, I'll insult her just for you. Nice job. You're even working your mohawk.
CRYSTAL: You know why this whole look works so well for him? It's not the fact that he is simple and pretty, it's not that he's wearing red and black, it is not the fact that I can literally only see one piece of jewelry. While all of that does help, they are not the reason he looks so properly appealing this week. The reason is that his eyes are covered up. No one can see that smarmy, man-rag, snarky, better than thou look in his eyes. He looks good. This was his last performance, right? Good job, Ty. It's too bad you saved it all till the week you get booted.
GINA: I was going to give a sarcastic goodbye, but I decided to let it go and let Ty have his moment. Besides, I'm sure that he'll show up again in the extras that we are starting next update. We only have three weeks left, so we should probably get on those. We'll be doing the boys in our band, INXS, along with some of our favorite moments, fashion and otherwise, from the show, hell, we'll even take requests. Email us if there is any ensemble that you would especially like to see destroyed. rsinxsfashiontragedy@yahoo.com
CRYSTAL: I am of the personal opinion that Ty doesn't need any more “Ty moments,” his ego is big enough. Frankly, I was happy to see him go after this week. He went out with a Big Bang! In some circles, that's what he's better known for.
GINA: I'm going with the obvious here, which is that he looks like a six foot turd. This is very disconcerting, considering his _expression is very appealing to me. I like the more confident, less smarmy vibe I am getting. However, I don't like being reminded of poop and sex at the same time, and it makes me concerned that she is trying to push some sort of deviant agenda. JD's ring-celet is much like the hand-wire throw-y deal Jet Li used in Lethal Weapon 4. It's fun to imagine that everyone huddled outside Suzie's dressing room door, laughing their asses off, as JD keeps using it to knock over stuff on her dressing table. Then Suzie starts crying because she thinks the room is haunted, and everyone feels bad, so they stop. They leave, sharing a vague sense of resentment towards her for being such a crybaby all the time.
CRYSTAL: Has everyone seen the picture on the cover of OK! Magazine of Ashton Kutcher's and Demi Moore's sham wedding? Did you notice what that giant tool, Ashton, is wearing? That's right, a fedora. JD, that should be your “case in point” of why it is not cool to wear a fedora. Forget about all those feelings of “well, maybe he doesn't look good with one, but I do, because I'm much prettier.” While you are indeed prettier, you still can't pull off a fedora. I don't know, Gina, I kinda like him in brown. I don't really mind what he's wearing below the chin. BUT, having said that, I do remember that this was not the whole outfit. He was also wearing a giant brown jacket and hideous black sunglasses. That's Ellie Mae for you, never just stopping when the outfit has reached acceptable. She always has to step over the line and make some ugly.
GINA: It's not the color that bugs so much as the collared sleeveless button up. I know they are popular, and I realize that this is more of a personal thing, but I hate those. I don't like having your neck covered up with no sleeves. It's so classless. I know I'm probably the only person that thinks that, but, y'know, you like what you like, you hate what you hate.
CRYSTAL: Understood, I feel the same about wearing too many pinstripes. I think it looks cheap but I have never heard anyone agree. It's just that chocolaty brown is so JDs color. He looks great in it. (For other example see JD, INXS interviews.)
GINA: Wow, after all this time of bitching about seeing Mig's balls, I must say that seeing him without them is, maybe, the most unsettling thing I've ever seen in all of my life. I don't know if it is the lighting, or the fit of the pant, but it appears as though MiG's torso is facing a different direction than his legs. Meaning, his crotch looks like his ass. Again, I am forced to believe that she is using subliminal messages to promote a life of scatological sex play. I don't care what you do in the bedroom, Ellie Mae, but children watch this show and I won't have you turning them into confused teenagers with enema fetishes.
CRYSTAL: Do you think there is a fetish for enemas? That's awesome. These pants are the best. And by the “best” I mean that they provide a hilarious array of mocking and laughing. Gina and I had a good time talking about them. I like that they cross like the line in an “A” and provide a perfect home for all crotch accoutrements. I believe everything is just pretty much hanging out in there free to dance around as MiG moves. The A-shape provides, as Gina put it, “a perfect greenhouse effect” atmosphere for the bait and tackle. I personally, think the best part is what looks to be bells on the crotch of the pants. It's like he's carrying his very own tambourine. Tambourine pants: a perfect gift for the young rocker who has everything. Those must have been the most uncomfortable pants that he has worn thus far. I think he has to keep his legs so far apart so everything doesn't rub together. Thigh chafe can only slow a rocker down, it's the first rule of rocking.
GINA: Yes, there is such a thing as an enema fetish. When I was working at the porno store,(Hi, Mom! Remember in the summer of '02 and I told you that I was working at a dry cleaners? Uh.....about that. I was actually working at the used book store/porn emporium over on First Capitol. Sorry.) they had the enema videos right next to the "girl taking a dump" and "girl peeing on someone/thing" videos. Dudes (and I will arbitrarily say ladies as well, although I never saw one female rent a video from that particular section) will masturbate to anything. I got a job there because I thought I'd get a lot of funny stories, and oh Lord, how I was right. I'd get into it, but really? This isn't about porn, so I'll move on. I hate to imagine how shriveled and prune-y MiG's testicles were after spending hours in that pant-induced sauna. He probably had to air them out all night to get their shape back. There's only so much talcum powder can do.
CRYSTAL: Gina, I can't believe that you never told your mom you worked at that perv store. You should be ashamed of yourself. And now that I know there really are such things as enema fetishes…I somehow don't find it as awesome.
GINA: I just heard this little popping noise and I can only imagine it was Crystal bursting a blood vessel when she sees that all black on rockers can indeed be ruined. I don't know about you all, but I am interested in hearing what she has to say on this one. Jordis should never wear a turtleneck ever again. Turtlenecks are for tall people with long necks. I feel you, I can't wear them either, because I wind up looking just like you do. When the top of the sweater is hitting the bottom of your chin and resting comfortably, you shouldn't wear a turtleneck. Other than that, she looks old, dowdy, matronly, sexless, and is robbed of her aura of awesomeness. I can only imagine that EM was jealous of all the attention she was getting and got her revenge by making her look like a gothic girl at Homecoming.
CRYSTAL: This blog entry is now coming straight from the Student Health Center because yes, blood vessels have exploded. I keep telling this nurse bitch that I'm fine and I can go, but she keeps saying something about “stroke” or “stroking out,” I don't know I'm not really listening…I've got work to do. I feel like I've stumbled into an alternate universe where up is down, left is right, and EM somehow managed to fuck up wearing black. Like, not just fucked it up a little, fucked it up big time. I don't like to be proved wrong, and the fact that she has managed to prove me wrong about a staple color is just infuriating. Everything on Jordis is wrong. Why do I think all she needs is a monocle in her left eye to complete this look? Has anyone ever read East of Eden? Well, in the second half of the book it talks about how the evil woman character takes over this good 'ol boy's brothel and turns it into an S&M joint. While reading the book I imagined that the evil bitch was wearing something quite like this. Except with more boob. What is with Ellie Mae and brothels? On top of having no taste she's also a perv. For the love of God, people, stop hiring this woman!
GINA: I noticed that EM wrote a poem for Jordis in her description. I will reprint it here
And the mahogany crocks
With her eclectic texture
and twisted dread locks
Now I shall share with you a poem I wrote for EM
That's what she gets for being a cunt.
Lock her in the basement, throw out the key,
'Twas there never a stylist as bad as she.
CRYSTAL: Wow, Gina, that is impressive poetic skill. You're like an idiot savant or something.
GINA: I feel like the saucy look on Suzie's face is saying, "Yes, please use this scarf to choke the last breath from me for wearing this hideous jacket." This bell-sleeved waste of bovine has a place, and that is in Prince's closet. Prince is allowed to wear this because he dresses like an oversexed retired truck-stop stripper and yet manages to be cool. He's a lot, as Crystal said, like Cher in that way. Her hair, though? Is really good and she looks great in the face. Again, the fashion equivalent of having a nice personality. I stole that either from Crystal or Go Fug Yourself, which I didn't know about before (I ripped this idea off from Fashion SWAT at somethingawful.com) but am now in love with. Thanks to whoever told me about that. I wanted to give GFY props. Those are funny bitches. And the guys who do Fashion SWAT. They are funny bitches as well.
CRYSTAL: Ah, Jesus. I'm gonna tell you, the main reason I don't like her outfit is because it just reminds me of the performance she did this night. That average, generic performance she insulted Queen with, and the fact that for the first time it occurred to me that INXS probably really are a little deaf and more likely senile. She looks like an asshole. That ridiculous jacket, ginormous orange ring and chickenwire belt? WHAT is that all about? She honestly believes that just because she can put on a costume like this that she can pull it off. She can't. I feel like she's just trying to give a big Fuck You to any boyfriend who ever dumped her and told her she wouldn't amount to anything. Which, more than likely, is all of them. She's just gushing “Look at me! Look at me! I'm on TV! You were so mean to me and now I rule the world! People in TV-land LOVE my crybaby fits and find them endearing! So there!” I pray that Hank Azaria has a stockpile arsenal of Kleenexes on hand, he's gonna need 'em.
GINA: Suzie is forever wearing belts that make her look wider than she is. She seriously has no clue. Here's a RSINXSFT stock tip. Kimberly-Clark is going to see big jumps this quarter. Isn't that so weird? That she's dating or whatevering Hank Azaria? It's so random. I must say that if you were going to lie about dating a celebrity, not that I think Suzie is lying,(and I do have to admit that the Suzie in my head is lying about it. But she doesn't seem to be much like the real Suzie) but Hank Azaria is a pretty good one. He's believable, and people respect him because he's funny and on The Simpsons. He's a nice mid-grade celebrity. You know, I'm still not over the fact she's wearing bell sleeves. Gross.
CRYSTAL: Ugh, they deserve each other.
GINA: Okay, I've decided that we are going to do the one with just Brooke and forgo Dave for this week because his picture is from the chest up and I can't make fun of his testicles then I want nothing to do with him. He does look nice, I will give him that. So onto the important thing here which are Brooke's stupefying hooker boots. Which, oddly enough, are workable, although it would take someone more talented than I. If I ever had need for a stylist, which would be....never, cos, like, who the fuck am I? But let's pretend. I would give them these boots in the interview and say "Make me not look stupid in them." and a good one, a really good one could do it. I don't think they are entirely ugly. Actually, I take that back, I'm short and stumpy, I'm gonna look bad in those no matter what. But a tall bitch could work them. Nice shoestring you got tied around her arm there, EM. Punky Brewster did that, too. For real.
CRYSTAL: No, no, no, no, no…these undesirable boots will not work on anyone. It's like Brooke is a conduit between EM's abdominal taste and tangible actuality. First of all, the boots are white. White boots say one thing, and that one thing is, “twenty for head, fifty for everything.” Secondly, they make Brooke's legs look fat. Something I would have once found impossible. She looks like the lowest form of street walking scum. Not that there is a high form of street walkers, but where she once looked like a high priced call girl, she has to now hit the streets to pay for her baby's formula. I imagine there is a sad, pathetic “man” out there (one who is about thirty-five, lives in his mother's basement, he's unemployed, a virgin and reads comic books and Barely Legal, etc…) who has a beloved blow up doll that he has named and pretends it is his girlfriend--- and she is wearing what Brooke is wearing. I know what you're thinking, like why would he bother dressing the blow up doll? Because a girl can't hang around in a basement naked all day long, we're girls, we get cold.
GINA: When I saw them on the show, I absolutely agreed with you that the boots are goddamn terrible, but in the picture, I dunno. I personally wouldn't wear them, but I think they are definitely do-able. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy.
CRYSTAL: I wish the picture was at a different angle. This overhead does not do it justice. Those boots were just fugly as could be and she looked ridiculous. There is no reason to dress like that when you have a job and a home. And, I don't know, midriffs when you're a mother? I just…I don't know…I have a problem with that.
Ladies ... Love the East of Eden business (Jordis) and, much as I adore Marty, the hair was no good that night. Also, the hammerhead shark eyes line was a pip! Thanks for the hard work and the chuckles. I for one would love to see you take on Kirk. He's a cutie pie -- love all his little ways and do-dads. M.
PS -- What Mr. Casey has that none of the other possesses is elegance. Perhaps because he is so tall and thin ... Perhaps because he just knows how to work what he's got. JD always looks to me like he's two seconds away from Tyra giving him the heave-ho. And he doesn't wear shoes well ... something of the platypus in the boy, cute as he is on occasion.
Posted by
Anonymous |
October 19, 2005 6:29 PM
isadora,
Okay, you are totally right on the JD platypus foot thing, but there is so much pretty going on that I rarely notice his feet. Crystal and I can't explain it, he is everything we hate, but we love him, or find him incredibly attractive, or think he's talented, or whatever.
Not sure on the Marty elegance factor, though. Full credit given for his still photographs, where he undoubtedly holds himself well, but to me (and I think Crystal, too) he was a little bit spastic and intense. Just saying.
Thanks for reading, you rule!
Posted by
Please Stop, Ellie Mae |
October 19, 2005 7:56 PM
BWAH! Yeah so you guys totally owe me my dignity back or something, here I am on vacation in a cafe in London holding back so much laughter that tears are coming out of my eyes...I personally would love an overview of all the clothes that the rockers wore (and shared with one another)in the reality episodes...WORD! to Jordis...I kept waiting for her to start talking with a Cockney accent and asking if anyone wanted to buy flowers, "Eh Gov'ner!"...and wth? EM, her shoes are black not maroon...or am I on crack?
Posted by
Anonymous |
October 20, 2005 1:54 AM
Ladies ... It's good to take pleasure in JD ... I feel kind of cheated in that he doesn't take me there and I'd love to be able to go ... If RS:INXS had been Lawrence of Arabia, JD, with those liquid brown eyes, would have been Omar Sharif to Marty's Peter O'Toole--(drool). Intense and spastic is what makes my tent flaps flutter in the desert wind! At any rate, I hope you two can keep stretching all this out so that those of us who have learned to check in on you every four or five days can continue to be entertained. Thanks again.
Posted by
Anonymous |
October 20, 2005 7:00 AM
Okay, I just wet myself reading this. Thank you, ladies, for making my freakin' day. I am IMMEDIATELY linking you to my blog. (Pretty please?)
Posted by
Anonymous |
October 20, 2005 3:47 PM
Hey guys! Crystal here. Gina usually writes the replies but since she's currently riding down Rt.67 on her way to America's Tackiest Midwest Creation BRANSON, MO, for a four-day-weekend-extravaganza with her parents, I've taken over the duties. (You know, she's so gonna kill me when she reads this.)
Thanks so much for your comments! smitty and isadora, Thank you for not making me feel like a giant, condescending A-hole by mentioning East of Eden. I'm glad you guys thought that was funny.
Isadora, I think I agree a little w/Marty being regal or elegant. He does have a stillness about him in pics but he's not so "still" in real life. If JD weren't around I pry would have a thing for Marty...wierdness is usually a big turn on for me. (See Denis Leary, Steven Merchant or Steve Buchemi.)
And junkyard messiah, link away, we appreciate it and sorry about your pants!
Well, that was a little long, but, as I was saying before, Gina's gonna be mad about me telling people about Branson and I think my reply privledges will be revoked for good.
But, thanks guys! Comments are awesome. CN
Posted by
Please Stop, Ellie Mae |
October 20, 2005 5:03 PM
Ladies ... Don't ever feel shy about mentioning Steinbeck (and Steinbeck movies) or Missouri. Please ... bring it on!
I don't know what the etiquette is on blogs and how quickly responsdees turn into pains in the asses but will say this and then try to stay away -- (That means you need to post again pronto?)
I don't look for stillness in Marty as the equivalent of elegance ... (I wouldn't mind Marty and A still in my very own backyard, but, no being still isn't essential.) And it isn't so much that he was regal ... It's that he was, like, I don't know so very very different from the stillness who looks to me each night for dinner-- Know what I mean? If you cut the Casey, he bleeds and it ends up all over your kitchen floor and walls! Whole lot of shaking going on ... yeah!
The Jordis East of Eden thing was really terrific, I will say it again because I'm compulsive (much like EM?)... Missouri, Montana, whatever, you ladies are wicked ...
And, hey, brown and black can work but only if the brown is tinged with either gold or silver (the way it was in the 70s and early 80s) and if the black isn't too serious ... Good boots are almost always required in this eventuality and accesories kept to a bare minimum. Off to do the dishes.
Posted by
Anonymous |
October 20, 2005 5:36 PM
The poem was the funniest thing evah!! How about doing the elimination clothes...Tara & her pink & black bullseye shirt, or her white trash jean skirt & maternity tank thing...
Posted by
Anonymous |
October 21, 2005 10:02 PM
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