Week Two-Slightly Late, but Just As Horrible
So, this ran a little late. Sorry about that folks. Turns out it takes time to get to know the rockers a little before you are able to make fun of them they way they deserve. We can't promise it won't run late again. We suck.
The show has been very distressing for me in one regard. Somehow Brooke (Seriously, Brooke won me forever with her kindness to Zayra) and Dave have managed to become the best part of the show. (Besides the House Band, which is a given) I want my innocence back. I want back the time I had before even an inkling of affection for these two. You have changed me forever, Rock Star, and I hate you for it.
The show has been very distressing for me in one regard. Somehow Brooke (Seriously, Brooke won me forever with her kindness to Zayra) and Dave have managed to become the best part of the show. (Besides the House Band, which is a given) I want my innocence back. I want back the time I had before even an inkling of affection for these two. You have changed me forever, Rock Star, and I hate you for it.
Gina
JILL GIOIA
GINA: First off, I hate Courtney Love. I think she hooked Kurt, I think she was his enabler and his supplier, and I find it disgusting that she continues to profit off his death. Not that that stopped me from buying his journal (complete with message saying essentially, "Please never publish this.") or anything. I figure Frances can use whatever she can get after having to be raised by Lady Macbeth. Hopefully her Mom doesn't blow it all on oxycontin and plastic surgery before she turns 18. Anyways. Do you know what the perfect accessory for a tarty, biker wedding dress is? Combat boots and tube socks. That reeks of elegance and class.
CRYSTAL: The best part of the night was Jill's abhorant, boldface, compeletly see-through LIE that she was in no way trying to imitate Courtney Love and she was projecting her own vision of the song with this ensemble. Jill, we, your viewers, we are a little dumb. I will give you that. We have convinced ourselves that its just a little alright to watch a reality singing competition because we "can make fun of it." But, we're not THAT dumb, alright. We know its not cool to be told by Dave Nevarro that we are merely a poor imitation to a piece of 21st Century Class A White Trash, but, you know that's what you were doing. If you want to wear a recycled wedding dress from Madonna's Like a Virgin Tour with the ugliest pair of cowboy boots they sell in the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen line, then fine, do it.
Just admit it and move along.
GINA: There is nothing more sad than getting called out on your shit by Dave Navarro. Who, it must be said, is a lot more awesome this summer. I don't know if this speaks of the lower overall quality of the show, or if it speaks for my love of bitches. Because My God, he is being one this year and I like it.
CRYSTAL: I really can't believe that they have found three more unfunny, more smarmy, more horrifically past the point of mattering people on the face of the earth than Dave Navarro. Word to you, Mr. Burnett. This could be your first miracle "performed" when you're up for Sainthood.
GINA: I know, it feels really weird to laugh with him instead of at him.
CRYSTAL: The best part of the night was Jill's abhorant, boldface, compeletly see-through LIE that she was in no way trying to imitate Courtney Love and she was projecting her own vision of the song with this ensemble. Jill, we, your viewers, we are a little dumb. I will give you that. We have convinced ourselves that its just a little alright to watch a reality singing competition because we "can make fun of it." But, we're not THAT dumb, alright. We know its not cool to be told by Dave Nevarro that we are merely a poor imitation to a piece of 21st Century Class A White Trash, but, you know that's what you were doing. If you want to wear a recycled wedding dress from Madonna's Like a Virgin Tour with the ugliest pair of cowboy boots they sell in the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen line, then fine, do it.
Just admit it and move along.
GINA: There is nothing more sad than getting called out on your shit by Dave Navarro. Who, it must be said, is a lot more awesome this summer. I don't know if this speaks of the lower overall quality of the show, or if it speaks for my love of bitches. Because My God, he is being one this year and I like it.
CRYSTAL: I really can't believe that they have found three more unfunny, more smarmy, more horrifically past the point of mattering people on the face of the earth than Dave Navarro. Word to you, Mr. Burnett. This could be your first miracle "performed" when you're up for Sainthood.
GINA: I know, it feels really weird to laugh with him instead of at him.
RYAN STAR
GINA: I guess Ryan got tired of everyone asking him what happened to his arms, so he has wisely decided to start cutting himself where no one can see. Ryan always looks like he's confused about how he got here. Like he was just going up to the corner store to buy smokes, and he some how wound up at the Mayan and on TV. He's not really sure what's going on, but he knows he doesn't like it. Which causes him to cut himself. It's a vicious cycle.
CRYSTAL: This week I'm going to imagine that Ryan broke some ribs while jumping out of a moving vehicle whilst saving our country from the latest threat of nuclear attacks. He's part of a super-secret-special-forces team dedicated to bringing the hurt down on terrorists all the while leaving young lady's hearts broken in cities around the US of A. He's pose is saying "Baby, you're a fine girl. What a good wife you would be. But my life, my love and my lady is America."
GINA: You can never go wrong with a Brandy joke. I would pay good money to have someone sing that to me every night before I go to bed. Just not Ryan.
CRYSTAL: I'm on my way over right now, tuning my singing voice in the car.
STORM LARGECRYSTAL: This week I'm going to imagine that Ryan broke some ribs while jumping out of a moving vehicle whilst saving our country from the latest threat of nuclear attacks. He's part of a super-secret-special-forces team dedicated to bringing the hurt down on terrorists all the while leaving young lady's hearts broken in cities around the US of A. He's pose is saying "Baby, you're a fine girl. What a good wife you would be. But my life, my love and my lady is America."
GINA: You can never go wrong with a Brandy joke. I would pay good money to have someone sing that to me every night before I go to bed. Just not Ryan.
CRYSTAL: I'm on my way over right now, tuning my singing voice in the car.
GINA: Storm looks like she should be on the cover of "18 and Ready to Fuck" with her overgrown schoolgirl pigtails. This show is all for destroying my illusions about humanity, and I had naively thought that people quit drawing designs on their shirts with a Sharpie once they got to be a certain age, but I was wrong. She reminds me of this girl in middle school that used to make her own GUESS t-shirts out of puffy paint. So, that in itself is sort of sad and not worthy of ridicule, but she spelled it GEUSS. I'm sorry, but that is hilarious.
CRYSTAL: You've gotta help me out, folks. I don't get a lot of "art." Does her shirt mean that, figuratively, her love is upside down? Or that our love for her is upside down? Or is just literally that she put the pillowcase with her drawing on upside down? Again, so many interpretations...so little interest. People like Storm are so literally shallow when they feel they are being figuratively deep.
GINA: Yeah, I don't think Storm is fooling anyone into to thinking that she's a big time intellectual. Nice try, though.
CRYSTAL: You've gotta help me out, folks. I don't get a lot of "art." Does her shirt mean that, figuratively, her love is upside down? Or that our love for her is upside down? Or is just literally that she put the pillowcase with her drawing on upside down? Again, so many interpretations...so little interest. People like Storm are so literally shallow when they feel they are being figuratively deep.
GINA: Yeah, I don't think Storm is fooling anyone into to thinking that she's a big time intellectual. Nice try, though.
JENNY GALT
GINA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA......oh....sorry....that was just me laughing at Jenny's tough girl face. I could break off one of her legs with no hands, eat it, and still be hungry afterwards. This photo is feeding my theory that Jenny is by far the least confident and most insecure of the female rockers. When you feel good, like a shit kicker, like someone who is gonna take this stupid show by the balls and squeeze (see Dilana and Zayra for examples), you don't have to make cutesy-poo growl faces. Because, like, isn't it so totally, adorable when little girls make scary faces? Aren't I just the most precious thing you ever saw? And she still needs to really, really, really needs to eat. I can see her skull.
CRYSTAL: This look is so old that even that wierd looking chick from the Black Eyed Peas has mercifully covered up her stomach in recent photos. Is it really necessary to cut up three shirts to make midriff exposers? If you were afraid you were going to get cold, Jill, maybe you should have used some of those low calorie brain waves that may still exist and, oh I don't know, wear a whole shirt.
And! And! Is that a DRAGON print on the red shirt? There are no words to describe how uncool this is. How about: as uncool as my mother's tapered jeans. Get your head out of your ass, Jill, and put it in a big bowl of pasta. Food is brain power.
GINA: I like to imagine that when she got kicked off she was on the phone with the Chinese delivery place even before the show went off the air. She's all relieved and shit, because now that she's not going to be on television anymore, she is allowed to eat more than unlimited diet coke, a handful of candy corn, and three green beans. Oh, Jenny, I worry about you, truly, I do.
CRYSTAL: This look is so old that even that wierd looking chick from the Black Eyed Peas has mercifully covered up her stomach in recent photos. Is it really necessary to cut up three shirts to make midriff exposers? If you were afraid you were going to get cold, Jill, maybe you should have used some of those low calorie brain waves that may still exist and, oh I don't know, wear a whole shirt.
And! And! Is that a DRAGON print on the red shirt? There are no words to describe how uncool this is. How about: as uncool as my mother's tapered jeans. Get your head out of your ass, Jill, and put it in a big bowl of pasta. Food is brain power.
GINA: I like to imagine that when she got kicked off she was on the phone with the Chinese delivery place even before the show went off the air. She's all relieved and shit, because now that she's not going to be on television anymore, she is allowed to eat more than unlimited diet coke, a handful of candy corn, and three green beans. Oh, Jenny, I worry about you, truly, I do.
JOSH LOGAN
GINA: Throw away the thermal. Or at least get one in a color that is flattering. If you are going to insist on wearing flannel all the time, at least have the decency to not clash. Its not asking for much. He just walked off the set of "Singles 2: Yes, We Can Already Be Nostalgic For This Shit."
CRYSTAL: It is never a good thing when an idol of yours happens to be Ethan Hawke, circa WHENEVER. Josh is again promoting the fact that he in no way belongs in this competition for any reason including singing or fashion style. MAYBE if you were auditioning to be the long lost son of Neil Young this look would be appropriate, but not Supernoooo!va. They are way to full of themselves to wear flannel and he is decidely makeup-less. If you were chosen you will always going to be the sore thumb with an ugly, festering hangnail, Josh. Get out now while you still have some decency.
GINA: Eh, we should never aspire to be like Ethan Hawke except in the "I banged Uma" sense. We should all be so lucky as to bang Uma Thurman. I'd totally go gay for her gangly ass.
TOBY RANDCRYSTAL: It is never a good thing when an idol of yours happens to be Ethan Hawke, circa WHENEVER. Josh is again promoting the fact that he in no way belongs in this competition for any reason including singing or fashion style. MAYBE if you were auditioning to be the long lost son of Neil Young this look would be appropriate, but not Supernoooo!va. They are way to full of themselves to wear flannel and he is decidely makeup-less. If you were chosen you will always going to be the sore thumb with an ugly, festering hangnail, Josh. Get out now while you still have some decency.
GINA: Eh, we should never aspire to be like Ethan Hawke except in the "I banged Uma" sense. We should all be so lucky as to bang Uma Thurman. I'd totally go gay for her gangly ass.
GINA: Toby is that guy at Ozzfest that sells fake Ecstasy to dumb fourteen year olds. He's also schtupping his third cousin and will eventually wind up on an especially entertaining episode of Cheaters.
CRYSTAL: Oh how I loathe my job and the fact I can't stay up late anymore to watch Cheaters. Such trash. Such beauty. Anyway back to Toby. The best part about Toby is that his speaking voice is HILARIOUS. He looks like such a tough guy, all tanned and buffed from years of camping and doing other outdoorsy things that I am ignorant to. His singing voice is low and gruff, matching his camo shirts and dirty jeans. But his speaking voice? Hah. He sounds like someone took a recording and played it in fast forward. You think he'd fake that too, like his highlights, and speak lower. But he doesn't and, God help me, I'm starting to like him for it.
GINA: I like how he adds "mate" to everything, just in case we forget that he's from Australia, or New Zeland, or whatever. Even MiG, who would have walked around completely nude all last season if he thought it'd get him votes, didn't do that. And if this show is drawing the same kind of crowd it was last year, taking some advice from his fellow Aussie and going shirtless would be a better option. You'd be surprised by how many horny women like Rock Star. I never thought there would be a crosspoint between Coldplay and Chippendales, but there you go.
CRYSTAL: True that, mate.
CRYSTAL: Oh how I loathe my job and the fact I can't stay up late anymore to watch Cheaters. Such trash. Such beauty. Anyway back to Toby. The best part about Toby is that his speaking voice is HILARIOUS. He looks like such a tough guy, all tanned and buffed from years of camping and doing other outdoorsy things that I am ignorant to. His singing voice is low and gruff, matching his camo shirts and dirty jeans. But his speaking voice? Hah. He sounds like someone took a recording and played it in fast forward. You think he'd fake that too, like his highlights, and speak lower. But he doesn't and, God help me, I'm starting to like him for it.
GINA: I like how he adds "mate" to everything, just in case we forget that he's from Australia, or New Zeland, or whatever. Even MiG, who would have walked around completely nude all last season if he thought it'd get him votes, didn't do that. And if this show is drawing the same kind of crowd it was last year, taking some advice from his fellow Aussie and going shirtless would be a better option. You'd be surprised by how many horny women like Rock Star. I never thought there would be a crosspoint between Coldplay and Chippendales, but there you go.
CRYSTAL: True that, mate.
CHRIS PEIRSON
GINA: His hair looks like it belongs on a 16th century Italian fresco painted by someone gayer than Michelangelo. Chris is the sort of Rocker that wears his desperation on his sleeve. Literally. He's so busy trying to appeal to every sort of fan, that he looks like a hodgepodged, hot mess. He's got the leaves on his jacket to appeal to the hippies and the Dave Matthews fans, a white jacket for the scenesters, a thumbs through thermal for the teenage misfits, and a fluffy crown of magnificent curls for the Enya/Yanni/John Tesh fans (I refuse to recongnize that shit as a real musical category). It's no wonder he got kicked off this week. Being desperate never made anyone love you. At least he proved how awesome he is at being really, really, lame.
CRYSTAL: This outfit has forever banned Chris to the 8th Ring of Hell. An endless, rotating tour of lowgrade, embarrassing bar performances, with only an acoustic guitar and cover songs for defense, surrounded by drunk and unappreciative college kids waiting for the star act. Chris will never be seen again. That is one powerful ensemble.
GINA: I like how the acutal pieces of fabric that make up his outfit look sort of ill-fitting and ashamed of him. He has managed to embarass pants. That's amazing.
DILANACRYSTAL: This outfit has forever banned Chris to the 8th Ring of Hell. An endless, rotating tour of lowgrade, embarrassing bar performances, with only an acoustic guitar and cover songs for defense, surrounded by drunk and unappreciative college kids waiting for the star act. Chris will never be seen again. That is one powerful ensemble.
GINA: I like how the acutal pieces of fabric that make up his outfit look sort of ill-fitting and ashamed of him. He has managed to embarass pants. That's amazing.
GINA: Every Halloween I hit up our local seasonal costume SuperStore and I always feel kind of sorry for the models they use on the merchandise. There's nothing you can do from keeping the goods from looking cheap and like they were constucted by Asian toddlers. Because they are both of those things. Yeah. Dilana, she is one of those models right now. She's still cool and everything, but even Stevie Fucking Nicks knows that you can't wear a hooded cape. You just can't.
CRYSTAL: I am still unimpressed with Dilana. She is a dirty representation of something that spawned out of an ashtray and Charmed on the WB. I'll bet she practices wiccan and preaches that if you really believe it, you can make it happen. Any one of us can find her sneaking out of a Earth mother store with magic crystals and incense in her hemp bag. Dilana...do something better for me, we're at a crossroads, you and me. We're in serious risk of me hating you forever.
GINA: God, you are so right on the Wicca shit. I didn't want to believe it so bad that I was trying to tell myself, Oh, she probably just really into vampires or something, and then I realized that often coincides with the being a Wiccan. Which, I think that all religion talk is a little weird, because I have no soul, but Wicca talk is by far the worst. Oftentimes the devotee smart, takes the whole thing really seriously, and is working the dramatic gestures and big words to a uncomfortable degree. Then you find yourself alone with her in an incence saturated room, eyes burning, watching someone that had been your friend right up until that very moment, perform, and I do mean perform, a spell intended to make her more popular with boys than her rival, who was her best friend and belle of the weekend Renaissance battle reenactments (or LRPG) she attended, and you were willing to look past her weekend activities because she was cool, but now you just can't, because she has breached your capacity for fruity shit, which is also why you can't be friends with people that introduce themselves as poets. Not that I ever knew anyone who did that kind of thing. Ever in my life.
CRYSTAL: Hey, for those of us too cool to know, what the hell is LRPG??
GINA: Oh, God. It's a Live Action Role Playing Game. Please excuse me while I don't show face in public for the next five years.
CRYSTAL: I am still unimpressed with Dilana. She is a dirty representation of something that spawned out of an ashtray and Charmed on the WB. I'll bet she practices wiccan and preaches that if you really believe it, you can make it happen. Any one of us can find her sneaking out of a Earth mother store with magic crystals and incense in her hemp bag. Dilana...do something better for me, we're at a crossroads, you and me. We're in serious risk of me hating you forever.
GINA: God, you are so right on the Wicca shit. I didn't want to believe it so bad that I was trying to tell myself, Oh, she probably just really into vampires or something, and then I realized that often coincides with the being a Wiccan. Which, I think that all religion talk is a little weird, because I have no soul, but Wicca talk is by far the worst. Oftentimes the devotee smart, takes the whole thing really seriously, and is working the dramatic gestures and big words to a uncomfortable degree. Then you find yourself alone with her in an incence saturated room, eyes burning, watching someone that had been your friend right up until that very moment, perform, and I do mean perform, a spell intended to make her more popular with boys than her rival, who was her best friend and belle of the weekend Renaissance battle reenactments (or LRPG) she attended, and you were willing to look past her weekend activities because she was cool, but now you just can't, because she has breached your capacity for fruity shit, which is also why you can't be friends with people that introduce themselves as poets. Not that I ever knew anyone who did that kind of thing. Ever in my life.
CRYSTAL: Hey, for those of us too cool to know, what the hell is LRPG??
GINA: Oh, God. It's a Live Action Role Playing Game. Please excuse me while I don't show face in public for the next five years.
PATRICE PIKE
GINA: Patrice is still an elementary school teacher to me. Please allow me to share with you one of the songs she sings to the children:
Come on children, gather round
Its time to visit Alphabet Town
A is for angel, peaceful and sweet
B is for Bunny, who's no good to eat
C is for Certified Organic, for which you should look,
because pesticides will give you cancer and supporting the mass poisoning of the children should be punishable by death, and won't your mommies cry when you rot away and fall asleep forver?
Also
Everyone is Special.
ZAYRA ALVAREZIts time to visit Alphabet Town
A is for angel, peaceful and sweet
B is for Bunny, who's no good to eat
C is for Certified Organic, for which you should look,
because pesticides will give you cancer and supporting the mass poisoning of the children should be punishable by death, and won't your mommies cry when you rot away and fall asleep forver?
Also
Everyone is Special.
CRYSTAL: Everyone is indeed special. Even Gina, for whom her mother and I are working day and night to get her into the best state run nut house we can find. Jesus. If Patrice is an elementary school teacher than this is the scariest, creepiest, and apparently winged teacher ever. Except for our choir teacher in high school who had black, dead eyes and a taste for the young-ins. Hey, maybe those two should get together.
GINA: I just see her addressing a bunch of third graders and using expressions like, "Progressive agenda", "Frankenfoods", "Sustainable living", "Meat is Murder". It's her face. She looks like a teacher. Yeah, that was pretty awesome about our choir teacher. You always knew there was something sexually deviant about him, but I thought it was repressed homosexuality, but bad on me for stereotyping, turns out it was fourteen year old girls.
GINA: I just see her addressing a bunch of third graders and using expressions like, "Progressive agenda", "Frankenfoods", "Sustainable living", "Meat is Murder". It's her face. She looks like a teacher. Yeah, that was pretty awesome about our choir teacher. You always knew there was something sexually deviant about him, but I thought it was repressed homosexuality, but bad on me for stereotyping, turns out it was fourteen year old girls.
GINA: Zayra's like my really cool foreign cousin who can get away with wearing shit straight out of a Billy Idol video and still be really awesome. Because she's not from here and has got her own sort of hotness going on. She had to make due with what she had, and you're lucky her catsuit isn't made out of coffee tins. She could have lived here most of her life, I don't know, but yeah, for the third week in a row, I still think she's a style maven. Not that anyone else should try dressing like her, because they shouldn't.
CRYSTAL: I do have a hard time with Zayra. She is an undoubtably cool broad who can dress up like a retooled version of Olivia Newton John in Grease and still look better than anyone else on this godforsaken show (You're the one that I want! Ooh Ooh Ooo. Yes, I hate that movie too.) but the girl can't sing and this being a singing competition it's just hard to look past all that screeching and high pitched noise. Now, saying that, I believe you get this chick in a studio and fiddle with the sound machine gizmos and button thingees, we could have the facade of a full package here. She'll always be a great performer and true fans will dismiss the lack of natural singing ability. I'm solving problems, folks, it's what I do.
GINA: That's exactly what I was thinking. Either make her into some tempremental producer diva or auto tune the crap out of her and never let her tour or sing live. I could live with that if all her music was bloopy and futuristic. I kinda like it, but you're right, bitch can't sing.
DANA ANDREWSCRYSTAL: I do have a hard time with Zayra. She is an undoubtably cool broad who can dress up like a retooled version of Olivia Newton John in Grease and still look better than anyone else on this godforsaken show (You're the one that I want! Ooh Ooh Ooo. Yes, I hate that movie too.) but the girl can't sing and this being a singing competition it's just hard to look past all that screeching and high pitched noise. Now, saying that, I believe you get this chick in a studio and fiddle with the sound machine gizmos and button thingees, we could have the facade of a full package here. She'll always be a great performer and true fans will dismiss the lack of natural singing ability. I'm solving problems, folks, it's what I do.
GINA: That's exactly what I was thinking. Either make her into some tempremental producer diva or auto tune the crap out of her and never let her tour or sing live. I could live with that if all her music was bloopy and futuristic. I kinda like it, but you're right, bitch can't sing.
GINA: Oh, sweetheart, what have they done to you? Why did no one save you from yourself or otherwise? This is something an eight year old wears at a dance recital. Well, stillettos aside. Your hair is limp and blah, you're wearing stripes with cheetah print, you are wearing pink zippers over your tits...what is wrong with you? You know it was all fun and games calling Jessica the poor girl and stuff, but I feel really pretty bad about calling Dana one. Because if she is not from a trailer, I will shave Dave Navarro's balls....with my teeth. So, I'm going to have to find a new gimmick for her because she is making me feel about 452 different kinds of uncomfortable.
CRYSTAL: I have been reminded of Dave Navarro's balls one too many times during the course of these two seasons. I'm gonna google a picture of the balls. I just need to see them. Just once. For closure.
Dana looks like she got fashion advice from her cantgetright second cousin who ran away from home to become a "real movie star" in Hollywood but ended up saying "fuck it" and instead does cheap, low quality porn with fat, hairy men. Dana...go home...you've embarassed the family more than your cuz.
PHIL RICHIECRYSTAL: I have been reminded of Dave Navarro's balls one too many times during the course of these two seasons. I'm gonna google a picture of the balls. I just need to see them. Just once. For closure.
Dana looks like she got fashion advice from her cantgetright second cousin who ran away from home to become a "real movie star" in Hollywood but ended up saying "fuck it" and instead does cheap, low quality porn with fat, hairy men. Dana...go home...you've embarassed the family more than your cuz.
GINA: Awwww, it's so cute when Phil tries. I like this guy despite myself, mostly because of the lethargy. He could just as soon be at home listening to the messages on his answering machine as he could be performing on a reality show. I don't know if he intentionally looks like Judd Nelson, but there it is. He's ready for the inevitable remake of The Breakfast Club. ***INSIDER FACT: Actually, this one is for real. My ex worked on a TV movie that shot here awhile back and Judd was fond of announcing after a long day's work, "ANYONE ELSE READY TO GO TO THE QUEEN (local casino) AND PICK UP SOME TRANNIES?" People were unsure as to whether or not he was joking. My ex didn't think he was. If I can work in a Major Dad reference somewhere down the road, I have a Gerald McRaney story, too. I know you can't wait. I am the next Perez Hilton.***
CRYSTAL: Hah. It looks like the photographer finally gave up and posed Phil himself. The photog did the best he could, but Phil's arms and torso are more like a GI Joe than Stretch Armstrong. Nothing was working exactly right which gave way to this bent over, awkward, wierdly non-sexual posture. He even made Phil's smile by pushing up the sides of his mouth with his index fingers. It would so suck to be Phil's photographer. I would quit. Or laugh myself into a coma.
GINA: Man, it doesn't take long for a person to go from cool to annoying, snotty, little, pipsqueak, does it? He's got that little person head, and isn't doing himself any favors by drawing more attention to it. He's lacking the killer style he needs to distract us from the truth. Which is that he's...not very attractive. For the one dude that reads this (hi, Sid!), this is what music can do for you. You could look like a midget in photos, like, enough to give the average person pause, you can look like Clint Howard's long lost brother, you can be balding and insist on the faux hawk, and you will still get laid like mad and have people love you. Of course, this doesn't apply if the rocker in question is a woman. She still has to be really hot, because that's the only thing broads are good for.
CRYSTAL: I can't help but think that Lukas would be a great poster child for some sort of disability that occurs when a doctor poorly delivers an infant. You know, the doctor squeezed too hard on the forceps and Lukas popped out with that wierdly shaped head and wide set eyes. Of course, it hasn't hindered his taste in fashion...this outfit is pretty good...even with the stupid crucifixes. Plural.
GINA: Yeah, it'd be a lot better without them, but as much as get gets on my nerves, and believe me he does, he is a fantastic dresser. Damn him.
MAGNI AGIERSSONCRYSTAL: I can't help but think that Lukas would be a great poster child for some sort of disability that occurs when a doctor poorly delivers an infant. You know, the doctor squeezed too hard on the forceps and Lukas popped out with that wierdly shaped head and wide set eyes. Of course, it hasn't hindered his taste in fashion...this outfit is pretty good...even with the stupid crucifixes. Plural.
GINA: Yeah, it'd be a lot better without them, but as much as get gets on my nerves, and believe me he does, he is a fantastic dresser. Damn him.
GINA: Ugh, I don' t know what my problems is, and I can't believe I'm actually admitting to this, but I think Magni is kind of hot. He's a tall, white, guy so if you are going to go by my romantic history, he fits right in, but that's a rather broad category. I normally don't go for this. The lame sunglasses, the bald head, the translucent skin. Hmmm...I don't know...I don't really even enjoy him that much as a performer. He's not bad, not great, but yeah...kind of hot. I have nothing to back this statement up as fact, but I'm a little bit weird. Ask anyone.
Okay, I wrote the above awhile ago and had to come back really quick because I just watched the latest performance show (week four) and I now know what is up with the attraction to Magni. He's an asshole. Everything makes a lot of sense now. If he's a funny asshole, (cause that Zayra snap was pretty weak) my heart may be stolen forever.
CRYSTAL: Eww. Funny or not...Gina...One word, two syllables: soulpatch.
GINA: It's gross, I know...I'm so sorry. For you for having to be my friend and for myself. Mostly for myself.
GINA: Jason reminds me of uncomfortable conversations I have had with my elders (almost always men) about music. They'll ask, and I usually say, "Oh, I like rock and roll." and will name something like CCR so that we can find a common ground. But that's not good enough for some folks, and they press you for details and I generally say something like, "Well, I listen to a lot of crap that most people have never ever heard of because I have a lot of time on my hands, and I suppose I will always be kind of a snob. But, I like a good pop song." and the reply is always, "Stuff like Metallica?" and I say yes because it's easier. But then they want to talk about "hard rock" and there's this point where they say something that doesn't make sense to me. For instance, one time this older gentleman at my work asked me if I like Soad. Ummm....what the fuck is a Soad? He meant System of a Down, which, no thank you, unless it's that wake up! song, because it's so annoying it's good. Point being, they think they are cool, they try to talk like a fifteen year old about "hard rock", and it ends with me being really embarassed for them. I've seriously had this conversation like 10 or more times. It's the trying so hard to be hip. It's painful. And then I pray that it doesn't happen to me, because if I'm going to be honest, the chances are VERY good that it will.
CRYSTAL: I don't get into music conversations with the "elders" because I'm too picky and then too honest to just say "yeah, I like that." I generally sidestep the entire conversation with some comment about American Idol and then we have a different direction altogether. Anyway, back to this douche. I hate this guy. All the images I had before the show started of Gilby being the mouthy assed show off had somehow been mis-directed and should have actually shot over to Jason. He matches Tommy in his cluelessness and total disregard for anything resembling pride. He can take his poufy, fluffy hair and prance back to the rockstar black hole he managed to escape from. Stat.
