Rock Star: A Fashion Tragedy

CRYSTAL: Hello All! As much as I am happy that you have returned to listen to us snark and jeer, I have to warn you and say that this is probably the worst week of fashion in the existence of all time and space. This week is truly heinous and I feel like a huge disclaimer is in order. If you proceed and view the gruesome pictures below, you may experience nausea, headache, fatigue, heart palpitations, sweats, rashes and under certain circumstances…death. Save for a few exceptions, it’s bad this week, you guys. Really, really bad. But, otherwise, ENJOY!


WEEK SEVEN






CRYSTAL: MiG, oh god, could someone please help him? Ellie Mae has outdone herself this week…first of all, let me just start by saying that if a real biker saw MiG mocking them in that black leather nightmare and faux “bad ass” visage, his ass would be pummeled to the point that dental identification would be the only thing that the police would have to go by. This outfit has so many focal points that I think my eyes crossed and rolled back in my head simultaneously several times. This has to be the worst costume, by far…the skulls? The astronaut boots? The gigantic leather jacket with shit-kicker insignia? Why? MiG, you’re not punk. You’re barely R&R. Why are you trying so hard to be something other than a softhearted, sensitive man-boy? Listen, fellas, you can’t just wear this outfit on a whim…especially when you are as docile and harmless as little Miguel Ayesa. And while it takes years to grow into a jacket like that, those pants are never acceptable. Never. MiG, this look is not you; EM is just experimenting on her “mannequins” so that she knows what to wear when she finally has the money saved up for that transsexual operation.

GINA: I’m pretty much a complete pussy and don’t enjoy things like being punched or having my hair pulled. I know what my physical limitations are and adjust my attitude accordingly. I don’t want some big girl kicking my ass eight ways to Sunday. And let me say right now that I’m finding that big, mean, 5’11, 200 pound, (most of it legitimately muscle) girl from high school to be a hell of a lot scarier than MiG. I agree with you, Crystal. MiG needs to never try and be tough again. You know, MiG is pleasant in his own innocuous, sexually non-threatening, prancing way. He’s very likeable. But when you put him in a costume that even Rob Halford circa ’85 had the sense to pass on, you make him look like a big, leather fairy. Not in the gay sense, but rather in the literal sense. He's the 80's Cheese Rock Fairy who is responsible for planting the melodies of modern classics such as, “Right Here Waiting for You” and “High Enough” in the minds of Richard Marx and Big Mountain. Wow, after typing that, I feel compelled to set MiG on fire, or to physically harm him somehow. He’s not really the 80's Cheese Rock Fairy, Gina. Deep breath. It’s not his fault. This isn’t about MiG.

CRYSTAL: I too have a hard time remembering that the garbage that MiG displays week after week is Ellie Mae’s fault. This is definitely a case of trying really, really hard not to shoot the messenger with a very large gun.

GINA: I wonder what MiG wears when he's not being forced into increasingly humilating costumes. If someone has free time MiG pictures please email them to me at rsinxsfashiontragedy@yahoo.com. I'm not good at finding pictures. I would really like to see how badly she fucked him over.







CRYSTAL: This is also the worst outfit I have seen on JD thus far (including that see through shirt), it’s giving me a severe case of the Fashion Bends. I’ll take this opportunity to remind our readers that this is the week he sang that “lame doesn’t even begin to explain it” song, Cold As Ice. Not to condone EM on any level, but, this outfit goes PERFECTLY with that song. I would even go so far as to bet this exact combination was probably worn by the lead singer in the video for the original. The whole open shirt is so much worse than a little man-midriff. I hope you’re happy, Gina, this is what you get for complaining about a little stomach. The shirt collar over the jacket collar screams of John Travolta circa 1980. Uck. Even the jacket itself is horrible; it’s an ugly color and the cut is too disco. Yeah, now that I bring that up, this whole outfit is too disco. No one has ever hurt me as bad as EM. That country hag probably convinced him to wear this atrocity with the whole “oh it’s so simple and vintage, it will really emphasize your amazing body…hmmmmm…what are you doing later tonight? What? No, I know I’m married, but I thought we could get together to…umm…discuss your clothes for next week…oh, come one, aren’t you just melting at the sound of my accent and my southern belle charm??” If I ever see that lady, I swear to everything holy…I curse the day she was spawned, I really do.

GINA: Not the biggest Foreigner fan, but I do like “Cold As Ice”, and I liked JD’s version of it. Throwing that out there so everyone knows. Good song. So….I almost hate to say it, because it’s not like I don’t enjoy looking at every inch of his naked skin, but he needs a shirt in a bad way. It’s just silly to wear a jacket AND a button up with full on bare chest. His awkward smirk is not helping him to up the level of sexy, and he needs to do that in order to distract from his disastrous choice of attire. For the third week in a row he is screaming, “ANNOYING, ARROGANT BAND GUY THAT YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO STAND TALKING TO FOR MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.” And it’s making me sad. I want to walk out of this experience liking JD as much as I always did, but goddamn. EM is making it soooooo hard. And as far as the midriff is concerned, I don't mind a little belly with a t-shirt, provided that when the wearer is standing in a normal position the patch is covered. Just not with a collared shirt. That's seriously retarded on a dude.

CRYSTAL: Okay, I’m speechless. I don’t know how I’ll ever take Gina’s word on good music ever again. She is usually my music encyclopedia and reference guide! Gina, I can’t BELIEVE you like that song…I’m going to have to rethink our whole friendship. I feel as though I’ve been duped.

GINA: Everyone's entitled to their fair share of shitty music. I like tons of stuff that I know is bad and annoying but can't help but like. Tori Amos, Destiny's Child, The Ying Yang Twins, select songs from 70's Aerosmith. That Cher "Believe" song, ABBA. No one's perfect.







CRYSTAL: Marty has a great taste in pants. I don’t think anyone can compete. Forget winning RS:INXS, Marty; just be happy to be the Pants King! This particular pair fit seriously well and his belt is perfectly complimentary. And he’s always wearing black, I (heart) that as well. I can’t really tell from this picture, but it looks as though his shirt is see-through. I am really hoping its not. Marty’s a cool guy, he seems to really enjoy what he’s doing and he has his own style that I’m glad did not get cramped from INXS critiques, but no man can pull off the see-through shirt (for proof, see JD, week 4). It’s just ungodly. And then add being abnormally thin and white as snow, yeah, gross. I could check to the video to see if it really is see through, but I don’t want the disappointment that it could bring. I think I will move along and attack his hair now. Marty’s hair is always touch and go with me. It is so thin (this man has nothing thick about him) and dyed Marilyn blonde which I do not believe is doing him any favors. The cut looks like he’s David Spade’s taller, and ever so more awkward, brother. I don’t likey. Especially this week with it bent and flexing in all the wrong directions (must have been humid that day in LA). He needs a haircut. I understand that it must hard to find a style that works with his harsh and sometimes slightly creepy face, but there has to be softer styles that will suit it. I just know there has to be.

GINA: Okay these pants by all means should be vomitous but Marty barely pulls it off. I can't give him full points because the first thing I thought was, "Oh, Beetlejuice. That's a good movie. I fucking love Alec Baldwin. He's the best asshole in the whole world. God, you just know he's a prick in real life. He's awesome." literally. I really enjoy Mr. Baldwin that much. Anyway, I'm sure that wasn't what he was going for and admit it, you thought it, too. Well, not the parts about Alec Baldwin, but the Beetlejuice part. However, and this is what I love about Marty, is that he actually uses his accessories in his favor. Except for that paisley tie. I just pretend it doesn't exist. I don't think I would have liked this as much without the armband. I know that's a small thing but it's the perfect touch. All Marty, I'm sure. I reserve the right to take this all back if he is wearing a see-through shirt. I didn't forgive JD for it, (although he absolutely wore it worse) and I won't forgive Marty. Also, Crystal, if you look long enough Marty becomes any fair skinned, super thin, blonde man you can imagine. And even some non-blondes. He is a gifted in the art of shapeshifting.

CRYSTAL: I love how you worked your fondness of Alec Baldwin into this blog. You truly do have a gift. I don’t know, I really like these pants. It must be the stripes; they remind me of a circus in the best way possible.

GINA: I work in the Baldwin whenever I can. Mostly because I just watched The Last Shot in which he gave a classic performance. The smarm and eyebrows were used to maximum effect. He was at his best. I would like to clarify now that the last thing I want is sex from this man. He is awesome in his asshole-ness. If I ever met Alec Baldwin, the real Alec Baldwin, the one yells uncontrollably and has outbursts of vicious rage, he would blow away any expectations I ever had of him. He's so slimy it's admirable. Okay. Enough with the AB.







CRYSTAL: How old is Ty? 35? 36? Shouldn’t someone have told him by now that he just can not go around wearing the same things he wore when he decided to come out in highschool? Jesus, he is doing the jean/jean combo again, I’m sure no one needs a second public service announcement about that look. The jeans also look a little ass-id wash. I’m sure they’re not, but they look it. I have to wonder why he stopped at the jacket and jeans? It’s so unlike him. I mean, granted, there are a lot of things he could have done to make this whole outfit much worse. He could have worn a white t-shirt with “My People Can Sing R&R, Appreciate It!” wrote in sharpie on the front. He could be wearing buttons on his jacket screaming “Hood Rat-Hood Rat-Hoochie Mama,” or how about, “Me and Aretha, We Got Soul” or a personal favorite, “I’m here, I’m a Rockstar, Get Over It!” (Actually, I shouldn’t be giving him all these suggestions.) Well, all I’m saying is that it could be way worse but I still hate it. Ty, when is it you’re leaving again? You and Ellie Mae have pissed me off one too many times. I may have to go see a doctor to check on these heart palpitations. They’re getting worse.

GINA: You know, at this point, you have to just feel sorry for him. Sorry that he lives in a bubble that is a void of restraint and taste, in a bubble that allows him to frost the tips of his mohawk white and feel unashamed. He has better in him, I know there has been at least once when he wasn't begging for me to rip into him. This is so horrible that I feel bad making fun of it. What can you say? It's not like he'd listen. Take a good look at the face. He feels great. And I suppose I shouldn't be a bitch and rag on his personal style, but you can't be good at everything, Ty. This is your weakness and you need to recognize it and move on. I feel where he is coming from, that desperate, adolescent, place where you feel like your clothes have to represent how unique you are, I've been there. See, the difference is that I was 17 and you're over 30. I would like to think that as we age, we recognize that one or two personal touches accomplish the same thing as piling it all on at once. And it looks a lot better.

CRYSTAL: That’s probably why I’ve grown to dislike Ty so much. He forces me to feel sorry for an attention whore and I don’t like that. I don’t feel sorry for attention whores, it’s not in my nature. Don’t force me to do stuff I don’t like, Ty. It makes me mean, like a cornered animal.

GINA: I found all these pictures of Brandon on his website and I vote that we just replace Ty's pictures with one of Brandon's. Brandon didn't make me feel bad and was always good for a laugh. We let Ty have his black suit with red shirt moment, of course. We must praise him in order to show him he did a good job.







CRYSTAL: Ugh, if I never see a stranger’s bellybutton again, it will be way too soon. Deanna is just above and beyond any critique I can make about her. I mean, I’ll make critiques anyway, but they just won’t compare to what she actually looks like, my talent has limits after all. It’s like she’s banging on the doorway to fashion hell. Now I am positive that she must be an alcoholic. What sober person would wear this? She looks like a slutty mother borrowing her twelve year old daughter’s clothes. Me thinks her Rastafarian hubby should spring for a generator in the RV they live in so she can pick out her clothes for the show and not look like she literally crawled out of the tunnel they’re parked in. Ugh. I hate that Deanna has no shame. I also hate that she can wear a skirt that short at her age and I haven’t been able to wear that size since I was seven. So maybe it’s a little jealousy and the fact that I hate that she doesn’t dress her great figure in more appropriate clothing. Probably more jealousy now that I’m thinking about it…she doesn’t deserve her figure, she treats it so maliciously.

GINA: Aaaaaand dancing on stage three, let's give a big welcome to Double. D. Deeeeeeaaaaana! Then Bob Seger's "Night Moves" kicks in and out she walks wearing this misstep of the century. Based on her outfit, I'd wager she's dancing at Roxy's. (In East St. Louis, the strip club capitol of the Midwest.) Meaning she looks more "titty bar" than "Gentleman's Club". Those girls will do anything for a dollar. I know what you're saying, Crystal. It'd be one thing if she was some old, haggard-looking, boozehound, but she looks great and it's a waste. She doesn't need the ridiculous hair and the fringed trench-sweater. Especially that sweater. It’s ugly, its old, its no longer fashionable. If there is another season of this show and EM is rehired, this blog won't be enough. I will be forced to do something more diabolical. I hate her almost as much as I hate Constantine.

CRYSTAL: Oh, I couldn’t agree with you more…I remember being at work last year talking about, what else, American Idol. There were several women in the office who were in love with Constantine (they were old and horny, say it with me guys, “ewwww”…) anyway, there was a point when I just couldn’t take it anymore and I screamed in the middle of the office “GOD! I can’t believe how much you people like that douche bag! I just wanna…KICK HIM IN THE BALLS!” This entire scenario could easily extend to Ellie Mae. I want to kick her in the balls. I don’t care that she’s a woman. I’ll find balls, and I’ll kick them.

GINA: I notice we make this blog about us a lot of the time. Being self centered rules. Anyway. I still stay his getting kicked off American Idol was the greatest moment in television history. I actually had butterflies in my stomach because I wanted him to go home so bad. Watching Paula's face melt was just a bonus. I wish that Van Halen or whoever does this next fires Ellie Mae during the first episode. On camera. That is the only thing that could knock Contstantine off the top of the list.







CRYSTAL: I’m not in love with Jordis’ jeans but I do love that I can actually see her waist this week. She almost looks normal now, like she has two working legs and arms. Jordis is one of the few singers in this competition who can wear something like this and get away with it. She’s the only real Rockstar girl in this comp. That’s from the coolness within. I wouldn’t know about that personally, but I’ve read about it in magazines and such. I love her jacket, I would wear that jacket. This outfit makes me realize that I really could so be friends with Jordis. I wonder what she’s up to now? Maybe I could give her a call and we could get together for some beers and make fun of Suzie. Good Times.

GINA: You know, I've also had the "Jordis and I would be friends" feeling on and off over the season. I really like her and like this. You're right, Crystal, and I've said it before, Jordis has an innate coolness that allows her to wear things that others would look completely stupid in. She shouldn't be able to work ripped, worn jeans with a tailored pinstripe jacket. I'm of the school that the on the hip belt buckle look is pretty lame, but she's tearing it up. She's kinda like Gwen Stefani in the sense that for whatever reason the ridiculous shit they wear works for them and that it will never work on you. Most of the time on Gwen Stefani. More than she ever, ever, should.







CRYSTAL: There are parts to Suzie’s outfit this week that I don’t hate. I like her jacket and, well, no, I guess that’s it. While she is not as visually offensive this week, I personally find it completely insulting that EM, the fashion dullard, would compare her to Chrissy Hynde. I think Chrissy would lose her freaking mind if she knew EM was taking her name in vain. She would call Suzie a bona fide embarrassment to real women rockers everywhere, citing, among other things, the fact that she cries at least once everygoddamnday. Then, in all her rockstar glory, Chrissy would challenge Suzie to a New Wave street fight. I picture the fight in my head weekly. It ends the same every time, Suzie is on her knees crying and praying to the heavens that if He saved her from this beat down that she would stop saying “rock”, never compare herself to Ms. Hynde again, and get right with God. Jeez, that’s a good daydream. I think I’ll get back to that, excuse me.

GINA: EM only does this because she thinks that brown and black is really edgy and that she's breaking down fashion barriers and breaking all the rules by making it work. See, the reason brown and black don't go together is because they clash and look like shit against each other. Like you don't know how to dress yourself. She's keeps on adding touches of brown to what would otherwise be serviceable ensemble just to be different. That always sets my teeth on edge. Nonsensical originality.

CRYSTAL: That should have been the name of her clothing line!! “Nonsensical Originality” by Ellie Mae.

GINA: Everything about her is so pointless, it's exhausting.







CRYSTAL: I think Ellie Mae must have had a talking down to from Mark Burnett about making Brooke look like a cheap trollop on prime time television, there could be kids watching, for Christ’s sake. I can’t imagine what else could explain why she doesn’t look like she’s been gang-banged by bad fashion as per usual. She looks really nice this week. The dress is plain and pretty and the accessories are minimal. God, I even love her shoes. What is going on? Are Brooke and Ellie Mae friends now? I’d like to think Brooke grew a sac and told Ellie Mae that she was in charge from here on out. Good week for Brooke! I’m so happy for her.

GINA: Oh wow, so Brooke really is beautiful. All the horrible clothes were beginning to make her look homely. I'm not a fan of the Roman sandal, but I am jealous of her ability to not look all cankle-y wearing them. The only thing I can say is that she should have gone to Deanna's doctor for the implants, because hers are looking a little fake, but that's just me being a caddy bitch. She looks wonderful.







CRYSTAL: Girl Jeans Alert! Ladies and Gentleman, this is a Code Five, girls jeans alert, please turn your body to twelve o’clock and on my “go” extend your pointing finger and ridicule…GO! I wonder if they don’t make jeans in Dave’s size? Is that why he’s always going over to the teen girls section in the store and rampaging through their stuff?
(You know the area, remember ladies, the one we all shopped in before we got our mother’s birthing hips? Maybe that’s just me.) Secondly, he must have called up Ellie Mae this week and checked to see what JD was wearing so they could be all girlfriendy and match. I would love to know what real rockers think of Dave Navarro…do they mercilessly rag on him the way I hope? A girl can dream.

GINA: The cool ones do. I bet Maynard James Keenan would. I wonder if all the other real rockers call Dave Little Bitch? That'd rule. I wish he'd quit shifting one leg forward while wearing said girl jeans so that his balls were not, once again, outlined for me. Let me tell you something about the Junior's section. There is no way the shirts they sell over there are sized correctly. I'll start with a medium which I can barely get over my head, and then a large, which is clinging to me like a second, unflattering skin, and then, because I have no shame whatsoever, I go for the extra large and it too is clinging grossly in bad places. Once I even sucked it up and went for the double X in this cowboy sytle button up and wanted to cry as it was slightly too small as well. The juniors section is a self esteem killer. I guess that the stuff over there is supposed to be skintight? XXL? I'm actually sort of proud of myself for not sobbing afterward.

CRYSTAL: I would say its time to start shopping in the age appropriate section, Gina. It does wonders for the self esteem. Also, there’s no chance in running into Dave over there. Oh and also, I agree that Maynard would definitely call Dave Little Bitch but do you think its possible he would refer to him as a “Tool?”

GINA: I can't decide if that was a great pun or the worst pun ever. I'm truly undecided. Occasionally, I will be tempted by a cute top at Famous (mall dept store) from the soul crushing juniors section and even though I know better, it is very fitted, and inevitably the large is too small and I feel awful. But every fiftieth time or so you find one that fits nicely with no bulges and it makes all the self hate worth it.

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae on Saturday, October 15, 2005 at 12:20 AM | Permalink