Rock Star: A Fashion Tragedy

Hey guys, Gina here, trying to muster up enough energy to care about writing one word about these rockers for another week. Actually, I place the blame erroneously, this isn’t the rockers’ fault. The blame lies entirely with the respectively be-wigged, gaunt, and in love with the sound of his own voice douchebaggery of SuperNOOOOOva. Just to be clear.

As you all know, Crystal and I feel that RSFT is the center of the Rock Star Universe. So imagine my non-surprise when I clicked on the week five photo sets. They are trying to distract us from the clothes with really crappy lighting. It won’t work, you silly, simple, fools. I printed that shit out and there it was in all its wrinkled glory (seriously, dudes, rock stars bust out the iron every once in a while, too) highly detailed and still wet with stolen toner from my place of employment.

You have to forgive us, guys, for being slow and not as funny. This shits is hard. I am not as talented as some, like those boys over at Leperpop, Sid F’er and Moist Rub who manage to crank it out with no issues and have it be just as good as their previous stuff. Those fuckers. We kid, we kid. If RSFT were getting married, we’d want Leperpop to be our Maid of Honor.

So, in closing, Who knew that whatever small personal charm the boys of INXS possessed was what made the show good? That’s so fucked up.

WEEK FIVE

DANA

GINA: Dana gets my vote for Most Improved Rocker. Rarely is it on this show, that someone winds up looking a lot cooler coming out that they did going in. In fact, this may be a singular phenomena. I’m not a fan of the horns, as I’ve discussed here before, but Dana’s all naïve and shit, so I can forgive her because she truly probably didn’t know any better. She was just like “Rocker?” and that was the first thing she thought of. Dana grew on me over the weeks, with her wide eyed buffoonery. Am I the only one that thinks it was a sin that she went home before the Evil Overlord of toothy, middle aged women, Patrice?

CRYSTAL: It's been so long since I've written anything for this post I had completely forgotten about Dana. I'm trying right now to rack my brain and remember that she had improved because this picture is reminiscent of some kind of secondary actress in the cast of My Name is Earl. I'm not trying to be the world's BIGGEST bitch, but Dana really represents the idea that all American's are genetic mutts...and some of us get the shit end of that stick. She looks like she is straight out of Kid Rock's family line where you can't escape your mother's womb without a penchant for throwing horns and going barefoot. Let's just wrap this up by saying its not the most flattering picture of Dana...that's what I was getting at.

DILANA

GINA: Knowing her like I do, I am surprised that the transparent cut outs in her pants were not placed on her inner thigh, rather than the outer. I don’t think for one second that Dilana would have any sort of problem with exposing her womanly parts to an international audience. You know, honestly, I think these may have worked if they didn’t make her look so short and stumpy. I think we all learned from Zayra that you can work almost anything if you have enough confidence, which I think Dil has. But they fit weird and make her look like she doesn’t have knees and are giving the impression that she is a much meatier girl that she actually is.

CRYSTAL: I don't have anything against a man-hating lesbian fronting a band full of misgonistic, sexist, whore purchasing, dirty, hairy, over the hill men but does Dilana have to wear clothes that were once pieces of SuperOsteoporosis' motorcycle saddle bags? If I were in a bar and this scarehard was walking towards me I would quickly tell my nearest friend that she was going to be my girlfriend for the night so I wouldn't get hit on by the big 'ol lesbo who thinks she's doing ads for Harley Davidson.

JILL

GINA: Jill looks evermore like a stripper this week. Whereas before she seemed like the kind that thought she was too good for all of it, this week she looks like she’ll give you a handjob in the Fantasy Room for 15 extra bucks. I think what bothers me most about Jill is that she is basically worthless beyond her huge, fake, tits and bleached blonde hair. If it were not for those two things, she would not be here. And yet, she thinks she is the awesomest bitch to ever awesome. It’s enough to make you want to strangle her. ALL YOU ARE IS HAIR AND TITS, JILL. LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT.

CRYSTAL: You know the best part about my Favorite Rawker of all time is that not only are those fake tits but all that hair isn't her's either. For our Next Enstallment: So lets remember far, far back to her performance this night. She tortured the Simple Minds song "Don't You Forget About Me." A classic from the soundtrack of an Institution movie. What exactly made it so bad, you may ask? Well, first off, Jill was singing. Not only was she singing, but she decided to scream out most of the song in what she thought was real RAWK star style. She also pranced around the stage like she was Madonna fucking Ciccone on hip-hop steroids. She made a huge giant 'hole of herself and ruined parts of every redblooded 80s junkie's childhood memories. In one fell swoop Jill has caused so much pain and suffering...why should one tiny woman have that much power? Who the hell does she think she is?

TOBY

GINA: I remember in high school, when some of my friends were going through a self described “punk phase” they would wear suspenders in the same manner that Toby does here. Then the other group of upper middle class, suburban, white, “punks” got mad at my friends for aping their style. It soon devolved into some sort of privileged, pubescent, “punk rock” war. Over some ugly, dumb looking suspenders. Why I didn’t kill myself then, I don’t know. I guess because I justified it by saying, “Well, I’m not wearing any stupid fucking suspenders, so this doesn’t affect me”. So yeah, suspenders always bring back painful adolescent memories of uttering phrases like, “He thinks he’s so punk.” And “Guttermouth is the best band ever!”

Oh my, that’s embarrassing.

CRYSTAL: Hold the phone. We had wars of this caliber in highschool? Where WAS I for four years? Was there a desperate search for WMDs and did we have UN backing? Did we have a French backlash and have to start buying freedom fries and americana burgers in the cafeteria? Tell me! I need to know! I missed so much watching televsion.

Gina, can I just say, that as pure solid gold dork as my friends were in highschool, I'm very thankful for all of them right now.
Toby, you look fine. I don't like the suspenders, but, we already know you're "so punk."

PATRICE

GINA: Oh man, with her all bent over like that, showing off her “I fucked Coolio and stole his haircut” Mohawk, I wish for nothing more than to be there right at the moment they snapped this pic, purely so that I could kick her in the face as hard as I could. I’m pretty short, which is why she’d have to be bent over. I can’t think of anything in this world that would be more satisfying for me. No wait, take that back. I wish that Patrice would win the show and I could somehow lure them to my house, where I would lock them in a room and observe them as I slowly starved them to death. I picked starvation so that it would be assured that Tommy died first. Who said I wasn’t smart?

God, I hate this bitch. Hate her so much.

PATRICE: Fuck you, Patrice.
You and your WWF pose can suck it.
STOP FRONTING! YOU'RE NOT A HARD ASS!
I can't look at this photo and critique folks, I just, I wish she would find herself in the St. Louis County Jail stat. Those bitches would put her in her place.

MAGNI

GINA: Either he is wearing a shirt made of leather (which, it is this show, so that might not be wrong) or Magni needs to acquaint himself with an iron, because this shirt as is just makes him look like he has all kinds of extra folds of skin, like a Pug, or Jabba the Hutt, or of course, alternately, like Star Jones Reynolds. That aside, he looks like a meek boy here, all too long sleeves and giant jug ears. Where’s the swagger, Magni? Or maybe a little confidence?

CRYSTAL: I know Magni isn't gay so why is he wearing Teflon? He doesn't need the wipeable clothing, does he? ...of course, he is around so many middle aged women wearing enough makeup to make them think they look about 17 badass years old...hmmm...he could possibly wear this handy material clothing in case he happens to rub up against the likes of Jill or Patrice or Dilana, or, you know, Lukas.

RYAN

GINA: So…yeah…Ryan looks intense and is wearing all black. Yawn. You know what Crystal, I take it back again, you can have him. I’m with Mel. Ryan is nothing but an evil, war mongering, son of Zion. I mean, his hoodie says it all. Nothing says “I love starting wars” like the Mohawk hoodie, which is, unfortunately, not shown here. I like how Ryan maybe knew that the hoodie was dumb, because he doesn’t feature it in the pic, but that totally didn’t stop him from wearing it in front of millions of people on television. Yeah, nice decision, genius.

CRYSTAL: Gina, are you sure this was the episode where he wore the Mohawk hoodie? This was the week you first fell in love with him as he tapped on the keyboards to your heart. Wouldn't it be wonderful is Ryan was a deaf/mute? He could just sign how much love he has for me and he could play piano by himself in a dark room where I can pretend I hear it but really I've got Flava of Love up pretty loud on the TV. Then I wouldn't have to hear how generic he sings or how much he hates Patrice and I could bitch about her myself to a truely captive audience. Oh my god, now I know what I need in a boyfriend! I love breakthroughs. STL School for the Hearing Impaired here I come.

ZAYRA

GINA: So this is where she begins to get a little bit too ambitious for her own good, but…and hate me if you must, bitch is barely doing it, but she is making it work. She looks like the most popular girl in a superhero’s whorehouse, but I can’t hate on her confident stance and knowing smirk. I mean, she even wore gloves. How can you not respect that a little? I know I can’t.

CRYSTAL: Was Zayra in Sin City and I totally missed her? Seriously all, she needs her own Cabaret show, like, immediately. She could kick so much ass dancing and singing with over the top, over exposed, gay men and their tranny boyfriends. Rockstar: SuperGerentologyWard is just all wrong for her...she has way too much style for a rockband.

LUKAS

GINA: So you remember on the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire and Will would turn his prep school jacket inside out because he was a loveable non-conformist from the ‘hood? I don’t know if any of you knew this, but Lukas obsessively collects Will Smith memorabilia, and this jacket is the actual jacket used in episode 3-22-A/N. That’s not the only throwback to the early 90’s in his attire. He is also rocking the gold chain clasp on said jacket, much in the manner of iconic rapper, M.C. Hammer. Actually, I kind of like that, from here on out, I will be referring to Lukas only as M.C. Cocksucker.

CRYSTAL: I like the idea that Lukas considers himself so cool he can "hang with the black folk" but choses to idolize the whitest black man ever (Will Smith). Because we all know real black guys would be completely apathetic to Lukas to his face, maybe even knocking knuckles, but when Lukas was gone there would be many a "that little white dude is fucked up," "yo, you sure he's white? he looks a little more keebler elf than white, man." "Straight. I could go fo some cookies right about now..." I could go for some cookies too, actually.

JOSH

GINA: Josh still looks like he had a record contract circa 1998 and had maybe a couple of minor radio hits and was unceremoniously dropped by his label a few years ago. He's still wearing the "rocker-lite" uniform of the era in a vain attempt to get pussy.

CRYSTAL: I just found out that Josh is from New Hampshire. No wonder he's so lame. No offense, Hampshirionians, but I think you guys only started using indoor plumbing some 20 years ago, right? I think I read that somewhere.


STORM

GINA: Storm is having her usual problem again, with her pants being a bit too short. This is what I mean about Storm and clothes. She should, God help me, be listening to the stylist more. He maybe would have told her that flat shoes would solve her problems. When Marty ran into the same problem last year, he rocked some striped socks and worked it like the King Bitch of fashion that he is. Storm is like the pot scubber on the King's estate. She's got a long way to go. Thankfully, she's awesome as a person and I am able to overlook her lack of asethetic ability. All in all, this esemble isn't so bad, considering that it's Storm.

CRYSTAL: The worst part is that Storm would look so kick ass is a well tailored black suit. That would be the absolute PERFECT look for her but what we end up with here is a cheap looking, whispy, too short, KMart failure. Storm! Email me! Remember it is rsfashiontragedy@yahoo.com. I will respond IMMEDIATLEY. I am always available for consultations.


Now, I know this post came in only a shade under a month from the last one...what??...so I'll provide my favorite people with this closing bit of hilarity.

Review from the latest issue of Rolling Stone Magazine:

The Band? The Panic Channel
The Star Count? 1 1/2 stars
The Review? The Debut disc from Dave Navarro's new band sounds a lot like a collection of rejected Foo Fighters tunes. Lead singer Steve Isaacs-best known from his days in the touring production of "Tommy"- sings every trite, earnest lyric in a faux Chris Cornell wail over ultra generico Navarro hard rock riffs. Sample line from the sappy power ballad "Why Cry": "I let you lie to me/ Plant seeds inside to see them grow/Only to leave them to die." Andy Greene.


"Ultra Generico" wah hah. Mr. Greene, the royal we, are pleased.

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae on Wednesday, August 23, 2006 at 2:00 PM | Permalink