Week Three- Slow & Steady Wins Our Race
In this, yet another, slow to come post I just want to say one thing. Readers, think about how great it will be at the end of the season, when you're still jonesing for more Rockstar, Tommy and bad fashion and you realize you still have WEEKS of Rockstar: A Fashion Tragedy to go. Won't it be wonderful? I think it might be. That's why its taking so long to post new tragedies; we're mostly thinking of you.
With that aside it has been a love/hate season so far for us guerrilla fashionistas. The fashion is tragic, thank the Lord, so we still have a job over here in 'ol MO. But the show is almost too horrible to watch. I think one thing that would help tremendously, and feel free to pass this along to the show's producers anybody, would be: STOP POINTING THE CAMERA AT THE THREE SPRINGTIME FRESH DOUCHE BAGS IN THE BACK. All the looks on their faces tell me they make every grimmace, head bang, and arm gesture knowing that at any moment the camera is on them. If they had their heads up their own asses any farther they may be able to watch the performances through their nipples. I'm just saying. Less Supercan'tbaretowatchanymore, more, oh God, Dave Navarro? Ah, Jesus. I think I need to start going back to church. I feel dirty.
Laters,
Crystal
DANA
CRYSTAL: Poor, poor Dana. It's too much like bullying to make fun of Dana anymore. I'll bet she had a really horrible childhood filled with alcoholic parents, runaway pets, empty cupboards, and more importantly no friends helping out in the "cool" department. That being said, this is a good picture of her. Her face doesn't look all smooshed in at the bottom and her hair is pretty rad, not flat and lifeless, which is always a nice change. And, amazingly, I do like those jeans. My main concern is that I don't like it when people like Dana wear cruxifixes...reason being is that I think she really does believe in Jesus and His love and it doesn't work with the whole "I wanna be a bad ass rocker" vibe. When Dana wears a cross it looks like she should be Christian-Rocking for Christ. Not rocking for three over the hill losers. It's a dichotomy I don't enjoy.
GINA: Dana looks not so fresh from the trailer, and you're right, this angle is a lot more flattering for her. Now she just looks like a girl rather than "A Poor Man's (enter name of young, brunette, celebrity here)".
PHIL
CRYSTAL: I appreciate the amount of time and pain it takes to get a tatoo. I realize there is usually months of preparation in deciding, getting drunk and proceeding. I just think that if you are a dude with arms that looks like two Twizzlers with ink stains then you should still do us all a favor and forget about going sleeveless. If you still want to show off the tats, just pull up your sleeve and flex. That way we can laugh at you to your face.
And is it just me, or is anyone else beginning to think that all these guys with soul patches are really just too chicken shit to commit to anything in their life? Let's look at this Phil. I mean, you start not wanting to grow your whole mustache out because you "just don't know, man, that's a lot to worry about" the next thing you know your girlfriend kicks you out of the garage apartment the two of you shared because you wouldn't cough up the dough to buy her that cheap ass engagement ring when in reality you won't buy it because you think you might get someone better later. But you won't, Phil, you won't. Be a man. Make a commitment.
GINA: It's not that Phil can't commit, it's that he's too tired. Because they expect him out of bed at like 9 o'clock. Ummmm, hello, dudes? Phil doesn't roll like that.
DILANA
CRYSTAL: Dilana's kinda worn out her welcome in Casa des Crystal. I think I mixed up two languages there. Fuck it. Her speaking voice swarms of a chain smoking tar build up and she looks like a beer guzzling, trash bag who still thinks Goth is cool and probably does her own hair and freakshow piercings. Usually I would think something like sleeves of tatoos and holes in faces on a broad is pretty cool. I know I don't have the balls to do it, so when I see it on someone else there is a certain sense of respect and awe. Unfortunatly for Dil, after watching the reality shows and just knowing how desperate for attention she is and her complete lack of self esteem, she looses all her Absolute Zero coolness. This outfit is just what I would expect out of that sort of person. She looks like one large drug charge and a probation violation away from being an inmate at the jail I work for.
GINA: You know, compared to some of the other things she's worn (like next weeks "Whore Tea Party" dress) this looks not bad. It makes her shoulders look nice, she doesn't have fatty sides or four-boob. As far as a corest goes, this is nice. I'm glad I don't watch the webisodes (uh, guys, at this point, I'm forcing myself to even watch the real show) so that I can't share in your hate of her. She can't dress worth a shit, but she's still pretty bad ass in my book.
LUKAS
CRYSTAL: This performance week I had a text message from my friend Betsy informing me that me and Lukas should get married and have beautiful babies. I have to say, I didn't know exactly how to take this. I don't know if I have the dominant genes it would take to make Lukas' wierd eye position, turned up nose, heavy eyebrows, giant head and overall asshole demeanor all recessive and THUS end up producing a "beautiful baby." Betsy, what exactly was it that you were thinking? It would take a supermodel to make that statement true. I really don't know if she thought I was so incredibly beautiful that it would override Lukas' looks or she just thinks "You know, he's wierd. Crystal's wierd too. They should make some wierd looking little kids." If I know Betsy, it was definitley the latter. 'Cause, in all seriousness, we all know that wierd kids are cuter than hell. The best thing we could hope for in this merger is that the kids would have my and Lukas' impeccable sense of fashion.
GINA: I like Bestsy, but I don't trust her opinions when it concerns you and men. Lukas is going to have a hard time making cute babies, period. No matter who the mother is. There's a lot of wrongs going on with his face, he is lucky that he's cool. I mean, he's totally still a snotty little bitch, but he usually looks good while doing it. I'm gonna take a pass on this one, because starting next week he begins to get a bit too big for his britches, and I've got to conserve.
JILL
CRYSTAL: I told Gina that I was dedicating my most hateful posts to Jill until that supertwat gets kicked off. I have reached new level of wrath that one can only reach when confronted by the worst kind of person. Enter: Jill. I am not even going to get into the clothes this week, because, this one? Just too f-in easy. She knows exactly how to rock that "I'm too old to be doing this shit" look.
So, may I present the first installment of Why I Hate People Like Jill-------
1. Jill blamed the fact that she was embarrassed (because she humped Gilby and he called her out on her ruthlessly over the top performance) and started yelling and arguing with him about it because "I'm Italian, I have to argue. Don't mess with Italians!" There is nothing more annoying than being a childish, ignorant, steaming pile of racist and blaming a stupid stereotype as a reason why you don't have the capacity to sit down and keep your mouth shut. Let's not blame an entire country for your mouth, Jill. Let's just blame your Italian mother who didn't abort you when she had the chance. More to come next week!
GINA: Jill is lucky that she was even selected to be on the show, considering the slighest suggestion of her whiskey cured voice sends me into shivering flashbacks of Ladies Night at the Baja Rock Club. If this were America's Best Bar Band, Jill would have a shot. She offends me with her strongheaded notion that she may be more than that. No she isn't. Look at her. Do you think star? Or do you think, Oh that's the bitch that tends bar over at that place where all the old alcholics hang out?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
JOSH
CRYSTAL: I cannot believe this man has lasted this long. He must drive the girls loco, otherwise, I don't know who would vote for him. Although, I'm sure there are still legions of DMB fans out there who have working cell phones. I guess that's the trick. The description this week says that Josh is "going casual" as though its a different thing for him. Josh is the epitome of casual and probably would develop a fever rash and boils if anyone tried to put him in a suit and tie. I just can't do anything with this man. He is so lackluster and uninspiring. I'll be glad when he's gone...unless he starts shaking things up a little. But, being the eternal pessimist, I'm going to assume that is neva-gonna-happen.
GINA: I want to sneak into his house and throw away all his earrings, hair gel, and hats. Josh really needs to work on an update for his look, because he always looks like one of those guys that were in bands in the mid to late 90's. Shit like LFO and Dishwalla. He's very outdated. Plus, if you're going to go for the whole, "I don't give a shit, I just threw on some jeans, yo" style, you might not want to sport a finnicky, well maintained, coif. It sends out all kinds of mixed messages, all of which basically mean that you are retarded.
STORM
CRYSTAL: I like Storm. She is the sanest one of the bitches in that house and she puts on a pretty mean show. I especially liked her the next week when she sang Anything, Anything by Dramarama. Since I don't have much on Storm this week, I have a little present, here is the video for that song by Dramarama and the lead singer is the funniest thing this side of Mel Gibson getting arrested and Patrick Swayze defending him. It's not the best quality, but, you'll get the essence.
Anything, Anything: Dramarama: The hair, the opened shirt, oh, the hilarity.
GINA: I like this picture of her. She looks so pretty and sultry. I like it enough to forgive the transulcent panel on her shirt. Also Patrick Swayze started defending Mel Gibson?! What?! Do they even know each other? And where is Roadhouse 2? In case you can't tell, this Mel Gibson situation tops even Charlie Sheen calling his wife the n-word, in my book. Why? Because Charlie never wrote and directed a movie about Jesus or patted himself on the back for being the most Catholic man in the land. Oh god, this is so funny I could die.
MAGNI
CRYSTAL: Gina's new boyfriend looks like the exact same cardboard cutout every week. He probably just keeps wearing the same shirt and pants and then secretly laughs at all of us because we don't notice his clothes. I mean how could we what with him being such a tremendous entertainer? His voice is all we can concentrate on as it soaks into our minds and has us trancing with the "All in Iceland is Awesome" mantra. Magni, get out of my dreams and into my car so I can drive you to an Old Navy and you can pick up a new T-shirt or two. My treat.
GINA: Oh, Jesus. I really, really, really, really, need to start looking ahead at these things, so that when I say someone is sort of hot one week, I'll know if he's going to wind up looking like a penis with a nose the next. His face is too long for those horrible, oversized sunglasses. Here's a tip. Only wear the huge, honkin' glasses if you have an oval shaped face. If not, you are going to look dumb. You guys know I'm always looking out for you. He looks like a paler version of creepy Ric Damone in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
JENNY
CRYSTAL: Jenny's grandma picked her up a Rockstar Barbie this week and Jenny, being the bitch she is, stole Barbie's clothes and wore them. I like how this picture perfectly demonstrates what Gina and I have been saying about Jenny and her vigorous need for an ice-cream sandwich. The hip bone poking out through the jean is a definite indicator of the fact that Jenny is so skinny she will never be able to carry a child to full term unless OBGYNs develop some way to carry the baby around in a fannypack. I'm surprised she even has the energy to smile for this picture. If I were her, I'd be hooked up to a feedbag in the hospital, watching episodes of Celebrity Fit Club.
GINA: Jenny knew she was headed home this week, so she set up an audition for the WWE right after the taping, and she didn't have time to change. They told her that she'd have to get fake tits and bleach her hair some more, but she was cool with it. She's expected to build some muscle and she is really excited about reintroducing soild foods to her diet. So am I.
RYAN
CRYSTAL: Aww, look how when I told Ryan to smile for me, he did. Such a good man. Always doing what I say. A lot better than some other boyfriends who wouldn't even shop for a tie. I don't know how anyone could look at Ryan in this picture and not fall in love.
Gina? Don't you have something to tell me? Maybe apologize for??
GINA: Fine. I take it back. Ryan is hot. Jews may start all of the world's wars, but get me one behind a piano and I lose it. There is this disconnect for me with him, mostly because of his put-upon sensitivity. I still don't think he's nearly as tortured as he wants us to believe. But yeah, he's displaying a high amount of jewboy hotness here, which if you knew me at all, is one of my favorite types of all time.
PATRICE
CRYSTAL: This crazy c*nt is gonna get it if I meet her on the street. And since Patrice is surely going back to good old Texas any day now and I have no plans to visit the South anytime soon, I can say that with a certain amount of confidence. Did you see how she bitchy she was to my boyfriend, Ryan, last week? Don't tell him to shut up, Patrice! If anyone needs to shut it, it would be an over the hill, crazy eyed, bad dressing, wig wearing "singer" who is NOT as fierce as she thinks.
And furthermore, what is up with the scrunched potato sack that she is wearing? I hope she asked Ryan if she looked alright before they left the house and he said she looked beautiful just be be an asshole to her. She deserves it.
GINA: Patrice has finally revealed herself to be a "secret bitch". This type is worst of all becuase they are cunning and will only exhibit themselves as the montsters they are in small crowds or around people they deem unimportant. The rest of the time they are all toothy smiles and crinkly eyes. Like in this picture here: Her face says Oh man, this is just the bestest time ever! I love TLee and Supernova! I totally knew who Gilby Clarke was before all this started, too! I'm having so much fuuuuuuuun!. But what she's really thinking is I am the best person to ever grace this stage. When I get back to the mansion tonight, I'm going to make a bunch of jokes about Dana eating cake and make her feel all bad....hmmm....maybe I should say that to Jenny. Then maybe she'd have to drop the competition after she passes out from lack of food. Eh, she's going home anyway. I can't wait until we get back, I'm totally gonna make that Dana bitch cry.
TOBY
CRYSTAL: Toby. I don't know. The look just doesn't work. The jacket, going for a retro 80s look, I'm sure, doesn't flow with the time and ends up looking like something found in a box in the basement after a flood. His jeans don't fit right in the crotch area (probably because of the tapering at the bottom) and he ends up looking like a unich. And while I would normally like those white, leather boots, they end up shouting "I'M DESPERATE FOR VOTES." Try again, Toby, try again.
GINA: Toby is the only one that I think really wants it. You can see it in his eyes. Plus, you can tell by the way he's trying to fill the "Marty Casey: I'm a Good Guy" role. Kissing ass always gets on my nerves, especially when you are kissing the ass of three of the biggest wastes of flesh on this planet. Not that everyone on this show hasn't done that at some point, (except Zayra, which is why I love her) but Toby polishes the apple a little bit brighter than everyone else. Oh, Toby, those guys don't care about the band, and even if you do win, they aren't going to care about you. I think we need to have a talk called, "Just becasue they'll fuck you doesn't mean they love you". It's a little painful, but I think you'll be a better man for it.
ZAYRA
CRYSTAL: I think this will be one of the only time I really don't like what Zayra is wearing (and, no, I haven't forgot the blue jumpsuit). She looks a little too Abba: Gold for me here and while I still think she's the coolest woman on this show (and still love Abba), she looks dated and unimpressive. I do love her hair here, though. She's still got that awesome hair. It will make her a rockstar yet!
GINA: She has the best hair ever. For reals. I agree with you, she's looking a bit too much like a presenter at the Mexican Daytime Emmys. Which is awesome in it's own way, but not in the "Hey, wait, this is actually awesome" way I've come to expect from Zayra. It's too dowdy for her. I actually really like the dress and think that it would look good one someone like Gwyneth Paltrow, but not on our girl, Z. Say what you will about her, but don't front. Bitch works the clothes like no one on this show, ever.
With that aside it has been a love/hate season so far for us guerrilla fashionistas. The fashion is tragic, thank the Lord, so we still have a job over here in 'ol MO. But the show is almost too horrible to watch. I think one thing that would help tremendously, and feel free to pass this along to the show's producers anybody, would be: STOP POINTING THE CAMERA AT THE THREE SPRINGTIME FRESH DOUCHE BAGS IN THE BACK. All the looks on their faces tell me they make every grimmace, head bang, and arm gesture knowing that at any moment the camera is on them. If they had their heads up their own asses any farther they may be able to watch the performances through their nipples. I'm just saying. Less Supercan'tbaretowatchanymore, more, oh God, Dave Navarro? Ah, Jesus. I think I need to start going back to church. I feel dirty.
Laters,
Crystal
CRYSTAL: Poor, poor Dana. It's too much like bullying to make fun of Dana anymore. I'll bet she had a really horrible childhood filled with alcoholic parents, runaway pets, empty cupboards, and more importantly no friends helping out in the "cool" department. That being said, this is a good picture of her. Her face doesn't look all smooshed in at the bottom and her hair is pretty rad, not flat and lifeless, which is always a nice change. And, amazingly, I do like those jeans. My main concern is that I don't like it when people like Dana wear cruxifixes...reason being is that I think she really does believe in Jesus and His love and it doesn't work with the whole "I wanna be a bad ass rocker" vibe. When Dana wears a cross it looks like she should be Christian-Rocking for Christ. Not rocking for three over the hill losers. It's a dichotomy I don't enjoy.
GINA: Dana looks not so fresh from the trailer, and you're right, this angle is a lot more flattering for her. Now she just looks like a girl rather than "A Poor Man's (enter name of young, brunette, celebrity here)".
CRYSTAL: I appreciate the amount of time and pain it takes to get a tatoo. I realize there is usually months of preparation in deciding, getting drunk and proceeding. I just think that if you are a dude with arms that looks like two Twizzlers with ink stains then you should still do us all a favor and forget about going sleeveless. If you still want to show off the tats, just pull up your sleeve and flex. That way we can laugh at you to your face.
And is it just me, or is anyone else beginning to think that all these guys with soul patches are really just too chicken shit to commit to anything in their life? Let's look at this Phil. I mean, you start not wanting to grow your whole mustache out because you "just don't know, man, that's a lot to worry about" the next thing you know your girlfriend kicks you out of the garage apartment the two of you shared because you wouldn't cough up the dough to buy her that cheap ass engagement ring when in reality you won't buy it because you think you might get someone better later. But you won't, Phil, you won't. Be a man. Make a commitment.
GINA: It's not that Phil can't commit, it's that he's too tired. Because they expect him out of bed at like 9 o'clock. Ummmm, hello, dudes? Phil doesn't roll like that.
CRYSTAL: Dilana's kinda worn out her welcome in Casa des Crystal. I think I mixed up two languages there. Fuck it. Her speaking voice swarms of a chain smoking tar build up and she looks like a beer guzzling, trash bag who still thinks Goth is cool and probably does her own hair and freakshow piercings. Usually I would think something like sleeves of tatoos and holes in faces on a broad is pretty cool. I know I don't have the balls to do it, so when I see it on someone else there is a certain sense of respect and awe. Unfortunatly for Dil, after watching the reality shows and just knowing how desperate for attention she is and her complete lack of self esteem, she looses all her Absolute Zero coolness. This outfit is just what I would expect out of that sort of person. She looks like one large drug charge and a probation violation away from being an inmate at the jail I work for.
GINA: You know, compared to some of the other things she's worn (like next weeks "Whore Tea Party" dress) this looks not bad. It makes her shoulders look nice, she doesn't have fatty sides or four-boob. As far as a corest goes, this is nice. I'm glad I don't watch the webisodes (uh, guys, at this point, I'm forcing myself to even watch the real show) so that I can't share in your hate of her. She can't dress worth a shit, but she's still pretty bad ass in my book.
CRYSTAL: This performance week I had a text message from my friend Betsy informing me that me and Lukas should get married and have beautiful babies. I have to say, I didn't know exactly how to take this. I don't know if I have the dominant genes it would take to make Lukas' wierd eye position, turned up nose, heavy eyebrows, giant head and overall asshole demeanor all recessive and THUS end up producing a "beautiful baby." Betsy, what exactly was it that you were thinking? It would take a supermodel to make that statement true. I really don't know if she thought I was so incredibly beautiful that it would override Lukas' looks or she just thinks "You know, he's wierd. Crystal's wierd too. They should make some wierd looking little kids." If I know Betsy, it was definitley the latter. 'Cause, in all seriousness, we all know that wierd kids are cuter than hell. The best thing we could hope for in this merger is that the kids would have my and Lukas' impeccable sense of fashion.
GINA: I like Bestsy, but I don't trust her opinions when it concerns you and men. Lukas is going to have a hard time making cute babies, period. No matter who the mother is. There's a lot of wrongs going on with his face, he is lucky that he's cool. I mean, he's totally still a snotty little bitch, but he usually looks good while doing it. I'm gonna take a pass on this one, because starting next week he begins to get a bit too big for his britches, and I've got to conserve.
CRYSTAL: I told Gina that I was dedicating my most hateful posts to Jill until that supertwat gets kicked off. I have reached new level of wrath that one can only reach when confronted by the worst kind of person. Enter: Jill. I am not even going to get into the clothes this week, because, this one? Just too f-in easy. She knows exactly how to rock that "I'm too old to be doing this shit" look.
So, may I present the first installment of Why I Hate People Like Jill-------
1. Jill blamed the fact that she was embarrassed (because she humped Gilby and he called her out on her ruthlessly over the top performance) and started yelling and arguing with him about it because "I'm Italian, I have to argue. Don't mess with Italians!" There is nothing more annoying than being a childish, ignorant, steaming pile of racist and blaming a stupid stereotype as a reason why you don't have the capacity to sit down and keep your mouth shut. Let's not blame an entire country for your mouth, Jill. Let's just blame your Italian mother who didn't abort you when she had the chance. More to come next week!
GINA: Jill is lucky that she was even selected to be on the show, considering the slighest suggestion of her whiskey cured voice sends me into shivering flashbacks of Ladies Night at the Baja Rock Club. If this were America's Best Bar Band, Jill would have a shot. She offends me with her strongheaded notion that she may be more than that. No she isn't. Look at her. Do you think star? Or do you think, Oh that's the bitch that tends bar over at that place where all the old alcholics hang out?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
CRYSTAL: I cannot believe this man has lasted this long. He must drive the girls loco, otherwise, I don't know who would vote for him. Although, I'm sure there are still legions of DMB fans out there who have working cell phones. I guess that's the trick. The description this week says that Josh is "going casual" as though its a different thing for him. Josh is the epitome of casual and probably would develop a fever rash and boils if anyone tried to put him in a suit and tie. I just can't do anything with this man. He is so lackluster and uninspiring. I'll be glad when he's gone...unless he starts shaking things up a little. But, being the eternal pessimist, I'm going to assume that is neva-gonna-happen.
GINA: I want to sneak into his house and throw away all his earrings, hair gel, and hats. Josh really needs to work on an update for his look, because he always looks like one of those guys that were in bands in the mid to late 90's. Shit like LFO and Dishwalla. He's very outdated. Plus, if you're going to go for the whole, "I don't give a shit, I just threw on some jeans, yo" style, you might not want to sport a finnicky, well maintained, coif. It sends out all kinds of mixed messages, all of which basically mean that you are retarded.
CRYSTAL: I like Storm. She is the sanest one of the bitches in that house and she puts on a pretty mean show. I especially liked her the next week when she sang Anything, Anything by Dramarama. Since I don't have much on Storm this week, I have a little present, here is the video for that song by Dramarama and the lead singer is the funniest thing this side of Mel Gibson getting arrested and Patrick Swayze defending him. It's not the best quality, but, you'll get the essence.
Anything, Anything: Dramarama: The hair, the opened shirt, oh, the hilarity.
GINA: I like this picture of her. She looks so pretty and sultry. I like it enough to forgive the transulcent panel on her shirt. Also Patrick Swayze started defending Mel Gibson?! What?! Do they even know each other? And where is Roadhouse 2? In case you can't tell, this Mel Gibson situation tops even Charlie Sheen calling his wife the n-word, in my book. Why? Because Charlie never wrote and directed a movie about Jesus or patted himself on the back for being the most Catholic man in the land. Oh god, this is so funny I could die.
CRYSTAL: Gina's new boyfriend looks like the exact same cardboard cutout every week. He probably just keeps wearing the same shirt and pants and then secretly laughs at all of us because we don't notice his clothes. I mean how could we what with him being such a tremendous entertainer? His voice is all we can concentrate on as it soaks into our minds and has us trancing with the "All in Iceland is Awesome" mantra. Magni, get out of my dreams and into my car so I can drive you to an Old Navy and you can pick up a new T-shirt or two. My treat.
GINA: Oh, Jesus. I really, really, really, really, need to start looking ahead at these things, so that when I say someone is sort of hot one week, I'll know if he's going to wind up looking like a penis with a nose the next. His face is too long for those horrible, oversized sunglasses. Here's a tip. Only wear the huge, honkin' glasses if you have an oval shaped face. If not, you are going to look dumb. You guys know I'm always looking out for you. He looks like a paler version of creepy Ric Damone in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
CRYSTAL: Jenny's grandma picked her up a Rockstar Barbie this week and Jenny, being the bitch she is, stole Barbie's clothes and wore them. I like how this picture perfectly demonstrates what Gina and I have been saying about Jenny and her vigorous need for an ice-cream sandwich. The hip bone poking out through the jean is a definite indicator of the fact that Jenny is so skinny she will never be able to carry a child to full term unless OBGYNs develop some way to carry the baby around in a fannypack. I'm surprised she even has the energy to smile for this picture. If I were her, I'd be hooked up to a feedbag in the hospital, watching episodes of Celebrity Fit Club.
GINA: Jenny knew she was headed home this week, so she set up an audition for the WWE right after the taping, and she didn't have time to change. They told her that she'd have to get fake tits and bleach her hair some more, but she was cool with it. She's expected to build some muscle and she is really excited about reintroducing soild foods to her diet. So am I.
CRYSTAL: Aww, look how when I told Ryan to smile for me, he did. Such a good man. Always doing what I say. A lot better than some other boyfriends who wouldn't even shop for a tie. I don't know how anyone could look at Ryan in this picture and not fall in love.
Gina? Don't you have something to tell me? Maybe apologize for??
GINA: Fine. I take it back. Ryan is hot. Jews may start all of the world's wars, but get me one behind a piano and I lose it. There is this disconnect for me with him, mostly because of his put-upon sensitivity. I still don't think he's nearly as tortured as he wants us to believe. But yeah, he's displaying a high amount of jewboy hotness here, which if you knew me at all, is one of my favorite types of all time.
CRYSTAL: This crazy c*nt is gonna get it if I meet her on the street. And since Patrice is surely going back to good old Texas any day now and I have no plans to visit the South anytime soon, I can say that with a certain amount of confidence. Did you see how she bitchy she was to my boyfriend, Ryan, last week? Don't tell him to shut up, Patrice! If anyone needs to shut it, it would be an over the hill, crazy eyed, bad dressing, wig wearing "singer" who is NOT as fierce as she thinks.
And furthermore, what is up with the scrunched potato sack that she is wearing? I hope she asked Ryan if she looked alright before they left the house and he said she looked beautiful just be be an asshole to her. She deserves it.
GINA: Patrice has finally revealed herself to be a "secret bitch". This type is worst of all becuase they are cunning and will only exhibit themselves as the montsters they are in small crowds or around people they deem unimportant. The rest of the time they are all toothy smiles and crinkly eyes. Like in this picture here: Her face says Oh man, this is just the bestest time ever! I love TLee and Supernova! I totally knew who Gilby Clarke was before all this started, too! I'm having so much fuuuuuuuun!. But what she's really thinking is I am the best person to ever grace this stage. When I get back to the mansion tonight, I'm going to make a bunch of jokes about Dana eating cake and make her feel all bad....hmmm....maybe I should say that to Jenny. Then maybe she'd have to drop the competition after she passes out from lack of food. Eh, she's going home anyway. I can't wait until we get back, I'm totally gonna make that Dana bitch cry.
CRYSTAL: Toby. I don't know. The look just doesn't work. The jacket, going for a retro 80s look, I'm sure, doesn't flow with the time and ends up looking like something found in a box in the basement after a flood. His jeans don't fit right in the crotch area (probably because of the tapering at the bottom) and he ends up looking like a unich. And while I would normally like those white, leather boots, they end up shouting "I'M DESPERATE FOR VOTES." Try again, Toby, try again.
GINA: Toby is the only one that I think really wants it. You can see it in his eyes. Plus, you can tell by the way he's trying to fill the "Marty Casey: I'm a Good Guy" role. Kissing ass always gets on my nerves, especially when you are kissing the ass of three of the biggest wastes of flesh on this planet. Not that everyone on this show hasn't done that at some point, (except Zayra, which is why I love her) but Toby polishes the apple a little bit brighter than everyone else. Oh, Toby, those guys don't care about the band, and even if you do win, they aren't going to care about you. I think we need to have a talk called, "Just becasue they'll fuck you doesn't mean they love you". It's a little painful, but I think you'll be a better man for it.
CRYSTAL: I think this will be one of the only time I really don't like what Zayra is wearing (and, no, I haven't forgot the blue jumpsuit). She looks a little too Abba: Gold for me here and while I still think she's the coolest woman on this show (and still love Abba), she looks dated and unimpressive. I do love her hair here, though. She's still got that awesome hair. It will make her a rockstar yet!
GINA: She has the best hair ever. For reals. I agree with you, she's looking a bit too much like a presenter at the Mexican Daytime Emmys. Which is awesome in it's own way, but not in the "Hey, wait, this is actually awesome" way I've come to expect from Zayra. It's too dowdy for her. I actually really like the dress and think that it would look good one someone like Gwyneth Paltrow, but not on our girl, Z. Say what you will about her, but don't front. Bitch works the clothes like no one on this show, ever.
I'm jealous. Mrs. F'er laughs way harder at your blog than ours. You had her at "supertwat".
Rock on.
Posted by
Sid |
August 09, 2006 7:11 PM
Gina!
How could I not know that you love hottie Jews, too?
Ever Clear
Posted by
Anonymous |
August 10, 2006 9:47 PM
You girls, awesome as ever! Seriously, you need to quit your day jobs! I'm sending a case of eye bleach so you can keep up the good fight. Who knew that Michael Bolton's little bro was the lead singer of Dramarama? Can't wait for Week 4!
Posted by
Anonymous |
August 11, 2006 5:37 PM
Yay! More Fashion Tragedy! :D
Your take on Josh: ...all of which basically mean that you are retarded.
My mom's name for Josh: "The Retarded Smiling Scarecrow"
...Scary, isn't it? ;-)
Posted by
Melissa |
August 12, 2006 10:02 AM
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