Rock Star: A Fashion Tragedy

I know we are several weeks behind in our blog but I can't help but to skip ahead to the current events that took place on last Wednesday night:

As the Rolling Stones once sadly sang, "Oh help me, please doctor, I'm damaged. There's a pain where there once was a heart..." I too feel the pain where there once was a little scrap of heart left. The producers have decided they do not want Gina and myself to watch any more episodes of Rockstar and created the dasterdly plan of kicking off the last person to redeem that pile of rotting animal carcass. Storm has been deleted and she was the last scion to revive this aging hard rock band. Supernoo!va can continue without her, to be sure, but the best they can hope for now is half a one hit wonder and their one lame, sold out show on New Year's Eve.

Enjoy it, Super'tards. But know this, I won't be spending my money on you.






Crystal: Is there a heavy Storm brewing? That's some strong wind in that Storm. That Large Storm is really blowing her back...Oh, why do I love bad puns so much? I'll probably never know. Storm is doing her best mime of being blown away in a Tornado of Bad Fashion this week in her boyfriend's old white, carpenter jeans and her trashy cuz's wifebeater. I think Storm likes bad, cheap fashion taste as much as I like to make an ass of myself telling bad jokes. Storm, you and your naturally humorous name deserve better. It's just a shame that our blog isn't read by the likes of reality show contestants...or many other people.

GINA: Awww, Storm....Storm, you have no idea what you are doing. I love you, you are the only person that I thought was super-talented and awesome. (y'know versus Zayra, who was mostly just awesome with occasional two-second glimpes of talent) But darling, you look like you're calling over the Beer Man while watching the drag races at the Gateway International Raceway. That's not a compliment.



Crystal: Is it the photographer telling everyone to make a stupid face and pose with some old, lame ass gesture or are the rockers just coming into themselves? I vote the latter. The peace making machine that is Patrice has decided that prepubescent ponytails are the way to go this week so she can finally obtain the vote from the constinuency of the last of the desperate hussy's...pedophiles. Unfortunatly for Gina and myself, and anyone else as sick of this old lady as we are, it's probably those votes that kept her in the competition for so long. This outfit is not so bad, I guess, for her, but the scarf is stupid. When I am Queen I am going to make the law that scarfs are only to be worn when it's cold outside or if someone cute wants to wear one (See: Karl Pilkington. He's the one in the background with the "perfectly round head.")

GINA: I like how it looks like they poured wax all over her face to mask the wrinkles. You aren't fooling anyone, you over the hill, desperate, clinging to your youth, whining, phony, worthless, lying, laughable hag. Yup, looks like I still fucking hate her. It's nice to have a constant in your life.

Crystal: Suspender's again? Is this his "peacock" or "peacocking" or whatever the fuck that cock Dave Nevarro called it last season? Do we have to keep putting up with all that...because I don't believe for one minute that Toby has ever worn suspenders the correct way and therefore makes me believe that he's lying about other things...like having any talent.
And! You know what I just realized suspenders not worn correctly remind me of? Skinheads. All that's missing in this pic is a shaved head and one big sieg heil.

GINA: And to add to your skinhead vibe, I might add that his suspenders are red. If he starts sporting combat boots with red laces in them, we might be in store for the reailty television version of Romper Stomper. That means that the SuperAssholes would talk less, right? I'm okay with Neo Nazis and kicking ethnic ass if it means I get to spend one less second listening to the soul sucking void that is Tommy Lee's voice. I liked Toby a lot better when he looked like a drug dealer.

CRYSTAL: Here. Here. Drug dealer is a lot better than racist. I should know. I work with criminals daily.

Crystal: Girl you know it's true. Oh Oh Oh I loathe you! Oh, and Jill, you look like Milli Vanilli. And you even dance like Milli Vanilli! How did you remember that routine from so long ago? All that's missing was Fab. Or Rob. Alright, it doesn't matter. Jill, you look like a recycled, bike shorts wearing, zero talented dimwit. It was my pleasure that this was your last worthless performance. You certainly went out with a great big smile on my face. You can blame it on the rain if you want, but after this show I hope you realize the truth. It's you.

GINA: I've spent the last fifteen minutes or so trying to get ahold of Jill's logic for wearing BIKE SHORTS on television. The best I can do is that she's noticed the god foresaken trend of reviving the early 90's in fashion as of late. (Guys, let's all remember that 80% of the fun of 90210 re-runs is making fun of the clothes) It's like she made this jump from leggins being acceptable (which, NO....it's not....they will never learn if people keep on wearing them) to bike shorts, because that'd be real cutting edge and shit. Instead she looks like Whorish Kimmy Gibbler, like if she dyed her hair blonde and got big, fake, tits, and was tired of living in DJ Tanner's shadow, and she moved to LA and one day someone took a picture of a nasty, homeless looking stranger sucking on her tit at a Wendy's. Oh wait, that last part was Courtney Love, but we all know Jill wants to be her, so it fits.

Crystal: One of the funniest quotes I heard was on the Internet Reality Show after Dilana ran around the pool naked. Being at my utmost laziest I am not going back to see who said it and what was spoken verbatim. I think it was Toby who said she looked like a "twelve year old boy with a wig." He was talking about Dilana's figure and truer words were never spoken. She has some sort of abhorant gift of dressing herself in the least womanly way and instead transpires into a midget with a dirty complection and a voice coated in tar. Not only the figure but Dilana is unattractive in the way that a horse is when rode hard and put away wet. Lady better start moisturizing or something...can you imagine what she's gonna look like at 60? Eww.

GINA: You'll have to forgive me, I'm having a bit of a sympathetic moment for Dilana. You had this thing wrapped up, and I don't know what came over you, be it some subconcious need to sabatoge yourself, or a prematurely inflated ego, but you were your worst competition and you choked. I do feel like you were robbed, but mostly I just wanted anyone but Lukas to win. You've not only disappointed your real fans, but you've disappointed me. I think we both know which one is more important.

CRYSTAL: Since I began to hate Dilana for her desperation and fake ploy to gain sympathy votes with the whole "ouch, I pulled something in my leg that is literally only 9 inches long. Now what can I do with this strand of fake flowers and this crutch to show I'm still a contender?" I couldn't have cared less that she lost out. Dil, once you've gone against me, it takes a miracle of John Travolta's second coming to get back in my good graces.

Crystal: I know. I know people like this man. I realize he's a likable guy and people like his singing and sensitivity and blah. I'm just uber bored with him. I do not enjoy his style of music/singing/clothing/soul patch/iclandicness and frankly I hope that he IS chosen as the new lead singer because, really, I could use another excuse to never pay this "band" any attention again once this blog is over and done. Good Lord, when will it be over and done?

GINA: At this rate, roughly when Rock Star 3 airs. I do wonder if people even read this anymore, because I know that I can't be bothered with anything about this show outside of suffering through the broadcast. (besides Leperpop, of course) The worst part is that by procrastinating, we have only forced ourselves to linger in this Rock Star black hole even longer than the rest of the general population. So, yeah, gonna agree with Crystal that Magni is boring, because I literally couldn't think of anything to say about him other than that he looks like he would be...like...my cousin's husband, not that he looks like any of my cousins' husbands, but he just has this general familiar blandness about him. To quote Toby, EVS.

CRYSTAL: Holy shit. I just did a calculation of how long this is going to take to finish this blog at the rate we're going to how many more weeks we have to go...and...I'm gonna go buy a shotgun. Gina, I'll take you out first for the humanity. That's the kind of friend I am.

GINA: I am so glad that we became friends despite the fact that when we met my dorky friends and your dorky friends hated each other. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Crystal: Leave it to Josh to finally start acting cool on this show once he gets the boot. I found him utterly endearing when he turned to the band after he was ousted and asked "Does this mean I can't go to Vegas?" Aww. Josh, man, you're one of those guys where in real life I wouldn't like anything about you but couldn't help myself to get excited when you stopped by my table at the bar to say "hi."

By the way, I really like his pose here. I'll give you an insider's hint. The thought bubble would read, "Fuck it, FashionTragedy. I'm going home ANYWAY."

GINA: Jesus, Josh, was that so fucking hard? Was that worth five weeks of mockery? Or was this all part of your clever plan so that we wouldn't make fun of your half tucked shirt and craft fair necklaces? If I saw this guy in a bar, I would hate him instantly, but as it stands, it's Josh, and he looks pretty decent and like he's living in 2006 and he's gone after this week, anyway.




Crystal: If there was any ever doubt that Zayra is carrying around a pair of solid brass balls under that sunfire gold bodysuit, you have to be delusional. In fact, what Zayra lacks in talent, she makes up with those balls tenfold. As if I couldn't have any more awe for this woman she emerges on the stage this week to sing one of my all time favorite songs in nothing more than gold body paint and owns the motherloving stage. Mott the Hoople, people, the girl sang Mott the Hoople. Even with our disagreements...you have to give me that.

GINA: I hated this outfit on the show, she made me regret all the nice things I said about her. If your name isn't Slash, don't wear a top hat. End of story. Now for the big, fat, HOWEVER. If there was one way that this ensemble was going to work, it is with that pose she is doing right now for the picture. I like how many of our rockers went for cutesy, "cool", tough poses this week and Zayra is the only one to pull it off. Kudos to you, you ballsy, utterly cool, broad.




Crystal: Lukas' jackets are getting more perverse and the material is looking a little too much like a Kayne creation from Project Runway. For those of you unfamiliar with the third season contestants of Project Runway (for shame!) that's an insult. Kayne, a beauty pagent gown designer, has a weakness for all that is tacky. And what's with Mrs. Ritchie's Lucky Star glove? Lukas, dude, you're not that cool. You can not get away with just anything. You're still from Canada afterall (shout out to all our Canadian readers!) and you have that indistinguishable accent. Which is really just annoying. To Americans.

GINA: Awww, don't dis on Kayne! He's better that fucking Jeffery, who reminds me of my favorite contestant, MC Cocksucker. Who looks really good this week. I like his jacket and even his stupid Madonna glove. I guess we're not going to pretend like we don't know he won. CAN YOU BELIEVE HE WON? This summer has been the betrayal of all I knew and loved about Rock Star. On the upside, I never have to hear his crappy orginal song ever again for as long as I live. I watch Rock Star while on the treadmill, watching the little TV attached to it at the gym. For the past two weeks, I've unplugged my headphones during MC Cocksucker's performances and instead listened to the music the gym pipes in. I found that I would rather listen to these songs rather than Lukas:

1. The "You Gotta Be" song that was featured heavily in Magnolia
2. Breathe by Faith Hill
3. Desperado by the FUCKING EAGLES (which if you knew me at all, is like, almost unthinkable, if it were Hotel California, I probably would have put the headphones back in)
4. Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith
5. That really awful "Come my lady, come, come, my lady" ditty by that band with the rapper dude that had really shitty tattoos and bad spiked hair.

If that's not hate, then I don't know what is. Now I know how all those JD haters felt last year. It's icky.

Crystal: Ahem. Okay, Gina, here's The Hoodie. Here's the prob with this whole brainstorm Ryan came up with this week. Firstly, Brooke introduced him by saying, "Ryan is somewhere in this room..." Then we magically found him onstage (as there might have been some doubt as to whether he could pull off the performance while in the john) and he sang "Paint it Black" and decided to make a friggin' goth girl fantasy out of it. "Paint it Black" is a very descriptive song with very potent imagery. Ryan, it doesn't need to be acted out. I was so embarassed during his performance (complete with painted black eyes) that I almost found him unattractive. Thankfully, the song is not that long...I can forget a lot when things only last three minutes. Like, I pretty much already forgot what I was talking about here...ahh Ryan, try to stop disappointing me.

GINA: AHAHAHAHAHA....if you'll excuse me for a minute, but, what a fucking FRUIT. Who the hell told him that this was a good idea? Crystal, I admire your tenacity, because I would never admit to being attracted to him ever again after this. I remember this performance clearly, as I started to laugh right away, and then he pulled his hoodie down and revealed his blackface, I had tears rolling down my own yellowface. Then, somewhere in between the reveal and the end, I started to feel really embarassed for him and couldn't even look at the television anymore. I don't like it when people make me feel guilty over their own oblivious retardation. Reminding me that I'm small and cruel only makes me more vicious.

CRYSTAL: Can we start calling me Tenacious C?? I think a nickname is long overdue. Look. Ryan has his good points. For instance, he is unbelievable hot. My personality pool is shallow enough that many times, it's all I need in a man.

GINA: Consider it done.

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae on Tuesday, September 05, 2006 at 1:43 PM | Permalink