Week Six-Fedoras Aren't Your Friend
GINA: Welcome to Week six, the halfway point of our tragic journey. How dearly I wish that we could all gather ‘round and discuss how impressed we were with Ellie Mae as the weeks progressed. That maybe she started out rough, but had soon reigned in her weaknesses for 8 inches of bracelets and pants that leave nothing of a man's crotch to the imagination. Alas, this week is no better than those of the past. And Crystal, can I WORD you on the Gina is lazy stuff. I just noticed that everytime I have to start one of these, it takes at least a day or two longer. And I don't even really have to move. Just type. And smoke. I am lazy. Eh, what are you gonna do?
WEEK SIX
GINA: Wow. Jessica looks chubby. I mean, I know she's not. I've done nothing for the past five weeks but look at her toned, flat stomach. I could identify it in a lineup. Is this why she dresses like a tramp all the time? I can see her point now. Keep in mind that chubby for Jessica is normal for any other person. I hate dark brown and black together, maybe worse than I hate anything fashion-wise. Also, I like how, seemingly for shits and giggles, they have thrown in a huge yellow dragon. I think EM is messing with us. Like she knew this blog was going to happen and she thought, :"Fuck those bitches. I'm going to give them something to complain about."
GINA: Jessica’s outfit poses the mathematical question of: How do you make an eighty pound girl look like a fatty? Ellie Mae, in her infinite wisdom, knows the equation. She says take one stretchy-materialed knee length dress, add one god awful cummerbund that holds up your boobs so there is no need for a bra and multiply that answer by two trashy knee high boots and you get your answer. I was also going to make a comment about dark brown and black together, Gina. Now, I know the rules of fashion change all the time but I still am of the school that believes brown and black together is tacky and a major fashion faux pas. So I guess that’s why EM decided to put them together, because she has made her living being one giant walking fashion faux pas. Tackiness just erupts from her naturally, like me and vomit when I see her “work.” This whole outfit makes Jessica look like a colorblind first year college student who just got contacts for the first time and is celebrating by going to her first bar night. Some friends of hers did her hair and makeup because she’s such a tomboy and didn’t know how to do all that “girly stuff.” They just threw all that shit together and said wear it…and she did. The future Ellie Maes of the fashion world, ladies and gentleman, enjoy!
GINA: She looks like she's at the Vacation Bible School mixer and she just knows that she looks cool, but in reality she's not really that cool because it's hard to love Jesus and be cool at the same time. Loving Jesus comes after the years of booze, blow, and cheap sex. She has this air of ultra-prissy awkwardness that a lot of churchy teenage girls have. I never liked those girls. God, you make one corpse-fucking joke and they wanna get all huffy about it.
CRYSTAL: I know exactly what you’re talking about. My sister was one of those girls. I always hated it when one of her friends were in my classes in highschool because they gave me those dirty Christian looks whenever I talked shit about her.
GINA: Crystal, she cannot keep on doing this without facing serious consequences. He looks like such a douchebag. Like the sort of person I would dislike at first sight. And while we're here, I think we all need to observe and learn something from JD. It doesn't matter how good looking you are, how sexy, how whatever...you cannot pull off a fedora. You have a better chance of winning the lottery than not looking like a complete tool while wearing a fedora. I'm not saying never. I can't think of anyone off the top of my head, but I'm sure some of you could find someone (not someone from the past. I am talking within the last 15 years who is not from a movie set in a period when fedoras were actually cool) who is the epitome of awesome in one. I can't pull off a fedora. Neither can Crystal. And truthfully? There's a 95% chance that you nor any of your friends and acquaintances can, either. Just say no.
CRYSTAL: Gina and I have discussed the fedora a lot. I am of the opinion that, to Gina, the fedora is the tangible symbol that forces her to face the reality that JD really is a douchebag. She doesn’t like to remember that because he was her favorite and it embarrasses her…and that’s the main reason she never watched the reality show. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning the fedora in any way whatsoever…I know creative guys always try so hard to find something that makes them uber hip by using props that they have seen in movies like The Godfather or Goodfellas. I personally blame all stereotypical Italian gangster movies for the fedora and the desperate attempt for white guys to look more powerful. But it doesn’t work. Like Gina said, it just makes you look like a total tool. And unfortunately for JD, he is a tool, so he wouldn’t know the difference anyway. Wedding’s still on and everything, I’ve learned to look past the persona. I’ll change him. Once I get my hands on him there will be no more fedoras. Promise.
GINA: You're right. The fedora is the living symbol of the fact that deep down, JD is probably a bit of a douche. I pride myself on one thing, and that is that I will never be attracted to a douchebag. He reminds me of this guy that used to come into my work at the pizza place and hang out with one of the drivers and play his stupid fucking guitar and talk about his poetry and hit on all the girls. Like you'd go out for a smoke, and he'd start strumming that goddamn acoustic guitar and singing the worst kind of sappy punk poppy "I miss my girlfriend" bullshit and he'd steal little sideways glances at you to see if you were paying him attention. I'd just stare ahead, dead silent and eventually he'd give up and start talking about his band and I have never wanted to kick someone in the balls more. The worst was when he did sucker some poor chick into a conversation and I had to listen to him spew lie after lie.Your eyes are beautiful, I'm going to write a poem about them. My band? Yeah, we're playing with Thursday when they come through town. I.....feel....things more.....than most...people. And honestly? JD is probably more that guy than whatever I wish JD was. But hey, what's the point in living in a real reality when you can live a better one in your head?
CRYSTAL: I try not to fall in love with douchbags either. It just happened. What can I say? The heart wants what it wants.
GINA: I have heard back and forth about whether or not Deanna has implants. From this dress, I would vote no. If she does have them, I want the name of her doctor because he is fucking good. That being said, when your breasts are gigantic you should be wearing a bra. I'm straight, so I'm not sure if giant pendulums of thunderous breastflesh bouncing haphazardly, twisting and flipping in every direction is sexy, but all I can think about is how much all that jumping around hurts a braless chest. If she was PMSing I guarantee she was in a horrific amount of pain. The bra thing is more for her than for me. Okay, more for me, but it's not completely selfish.
CRYSTAL: I think she must have been in pain anyway…she doesn’t necessarily have to be PMSing. Let me tell you something about going braless, in case you are in unawares, when you first take off your bra because the shirt looks weird with it, your boobs look pretty good for the most part. They’re buoyant and perky, just like you want. But as the night wears on those bitches get tired and they can’t take the strain anymore. They ultimately let you down and they sag harder than a telephone wire covered in crows. Boobs are assholes like that. Since this is the second entry I’ve dedicated to Deanna’s boobs I’m starting to feel like a pervert. So let me start in on her dress. First of all, the top part is see through. A forty year old woman should never wear a see through top unless that woman happens to be Cher who can do whatever she damn well pleases because she’s awesome like that. The colors are also not very R&R. She looks like she’s attending her first ever Golden Globe awards or something. Not right for this show. But, then, who wears anything right for this show?
GINA: Aw, aw, aw, Jesus Christ. I remember this. God, how I remember this. If I recall correctly, and if I didn't I don't care because this association is seared into my brain, he was wearing a little feather doo-dad on the back of his tail. If they reformed the Village People today, and modernized them, Ty would TOTALLY be the Indian. This isn't a picture from Rock Star, this is from the Village People's press kit. You know, I might be on to something there. If anyone here knows Ty, feel free to tell him my idea. He would be good at it, and I bet he would like it.
CRYSTAL: I also remember his hair from the show and I believe my comment was “He looks like an extra from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. He could so be Tina Turner’s bitch.” I had no idea there was even such a thing as Scottish plaid pants. That phrase should be stricken from every known vocabulary in the world today. This is unbelievably embarrassing for Ty. No one should have to perform in their pajama bottoms, no matter how late it was they got to costume because you lost track of time whilst saying goodbye to your overnight “friend.” Ellie Mae hates it when people don’t respect her schedule, you will pay for your tardiness, Ty demonstrates that.
GINA: Oh yeah right. Ellie Mae loved this. I bet EM and Ty were big girlfriends. She'd set aside special pieces just for him and they'd stay up all night planning his hair and makeup. They'd do the both cheeks kiss kiss thing which is very annoying and trying too hard to be European, like they just got back from vacation and think that they are actually French. And you want to remind them that here in America, we're doing just fine with the handshake. I mean, when in Rome, greet as the Romans do, but when in America and from America, don't invade my personal space.
CRYSTAL: You’re probably right. It’s me who is embarrassed for him. He has no shame. He is the equivalent of a male stripper in this competition. I can’t even look at him without covering my face with my hands first to hide most of my view. He gives me that queasy feeling that only the fear of some guy’s wang gyrating in my face can bring.
GINA: At first I was like, "What the hell kind of barrette is that?" then I realized it was her black streak. I remember back in '95 when James Iha did this and it was cool. For the mathematically challenged, that was ten years ago. I remember being in the eighth grade and really wanting to do this and being pissed off because my mom wouldn't let me. Maybe that is Suzie's problem. Maybe she wanted to dye her hair four different colors when she was fourteen and her mom wouldn't let her. That day she made a promise to herself. When she turned eighteen (or whatever age is legally an adult in Canada. I'm too lazy to look it up. Typical American.) she would do whatever she wanted to do with her hair. And she hasn't let go of the anger yet. She gets a touchup and you can hear her muttering underneath her breath, "Fuck you, Mom. I'm gonna dye my hair however I want. This looks totally awesome."
CRYSTAL: Umm, Gwen Stefani called, and uh, yeah, she said you’re a bitch and ruining her hairstyle. She’d like it back now, ‘cause you’ve like abused it and shit. I wonder what she keeps in that giant, red leather fanny pack? If I know Suzie, and I’d like to think I do, it’s probably her new prescription for Paxil, some tampons and her journal. Her journal entry today starts out with: Dear Diary, I had such a fun time singing that Sam-what’s-his-name song. I think I’m the best singer here and if I could be the only woman left at the end of this I promise to God, I’ll just keep mentioning it over and over and over until people want to put their heads through their TV screen….” And there’re about a hundred more entries just like that.
GINA: I don't think I've got anything that is going to be able to compete with that. Moving along......
GINA: Not the twee legs again. I can't take it. I suppose it is because he is trying for sensitive and vulnerable, but it is so innocent/sexual which is totally creepy to me coming from a grown man. Like he'd take you home and want you to rock him to sleep and would get off on pretending that you are breastfeeding him. I like how Ellie Mae has gone ahead and put him in the jacket, tie, and vest without the shirt. Truthfully, though, I bet that was MiG's call. He knows what kind of power he holds in that chest. A power that I am 199% immune to, but a power nonetheless. I loved how on each show he would rip off his shirt. I always enjoy that in men, that willingness to whore yourself a bit. It amuses me.
CRYSTAL: Okay, MiG, you may want to sit down, I’ve got a couple of compliments. First your hair doesn’t look it usual elf rockery. I almost go as far as to say I like it…and those pants, you must feel like you’re absolutely swimming in those. See MiG, isn’t it nice to be able to sit down without fear of crushing your (probably) permanently scrunched nuts? You can seriously forget about having kids naturally. There are problems with the attire, namely the tie and placement, but instead of proceeding I’m going to quit here. It’s so rare that I can say anything nice about MiG, as a matter of fact I don’t think I have at all aside from this…I’m going to enjoy the moment. Sorry to disappoint.
GINA: Crystal, seriously? Are you telling me that if we went to a show and MiG was performing and we didn't know who he was that we wouldn't DIE laughing at him? At least at first? Just based on outfit alone? Keep in mind that we are the same two girls that went that sketch comedy thing and sat in the very back openly making fun of everything from the people in attendance to the performers. Remember when I said we should be quieter and you said, "No. I hope they hear us and write a sketch about it" and we decided that if they had any kind of sense at all they would cast two ugly, fat men as you and I? You have a ridicule reflex, Crystal, and I can't believe you are denying yourself like this.
CRYSTAL: God, I wonder when it happened I became so mean? It’s like slowly drinking while sitting down. You don’t realize how drunk you are until you stand up…I never realize how good I am at making fun of people until what I say it repeated back to me. God, how hilarious would that sketch be though?? Fat men playing us? I say those are Tony award performances right there. It would certainly be exponentially funnier than the shit they were already doing…you can only go up from that.
In all honesty I would make fun of MiG if I had no prior knowledge of him. But, I’m honoring my commitment to him and letting it go...just this once.
GINA: I love her hair. I love that she is working that big old nest of hair. She looks like a queen. She looks fantastic, except for one drawback. THE HUGE BROWN FLARES THAT ARE POOLING ON THE FLOOR AND THAT DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL. Are you kidding me? I'm at a loss. I don't understand why EM did not put her in black pants. Oh wait....that's right! EM is a fashion retard who shouldn't be allowed to dress her children, much less people on my television. This perfectly demonstrates Ellie Mae's fundamental problem. It's not 100% wrong, it has its points, but she ruins it with little details that she thinks are "elegant" or "rock and roll" and it fucks everything up. The one person that is sure to look like a fool is the person that is trying too hard. We've all seen them and we've felt sorry for them. Well, if you're me, you probably make a crack or two unless they are truly pathetic. And this show was a 12 week parade of trying too hard, fashion-wise. You've done a piss poor job, Ellie Mae, and I think you owe each and every rocker an apology. Except Daphna, because I've seen what she wears in her free time and it's worse than any of the crap you put her in. Congratulations. I guess you did do something right.
CRYSTAL: I agree with the hair. I agree with the shirt. I agree with hating the pants. All together, I would have to say nay to this outfit. It’s the pants. It sways the whole vote. There’s so little else to say. The thing with Jordis is that she has got talent coming out the ass but no ego to defend her against creatures like EM. When you can sing like Jordis, when you have a presence like Jordis, you have to have a voice inside of you saying “I am way better than most people, I need to look like I’m better than most people.” While I love humility and subtlety, I think that deep inside, unbeknownst to anyone else, a “star” must resign themselves to that feeling. They need to look better than everyone because they are on TV and we’re not. We, the viewers, have to be jealous, otherwise, what’s the point?
GINA: I love how he is showcasing his crotch and looks like he's asking you a question. I like to imagine he's bumming a cigarette. I would totally give him one because...that's pretty funny. I think Marty must really love that tie, and I hate to break it to him, but he and I both know that no matter how hard you wish paisley looks bad with stripes. I'm sure that there is a very good reason as to why you wear it, but I know you are better than that. I believe in you. Don't let me down. Please retire it. Or wear it with solid black, or something. No patterns or t-shirts. Compared to the others, you are a shining star and that's why I'm so hard on you. Because I care and because you are the best. Don't make me regret saying that, Marty. I beg you.
CRYSTAL: Ah, Marty, you so look like Halloween Jack this week. I don’t know if this is really what I want to see you in. I image a full velvet pinstripe suit gets pretty hot on stage…doesn’t anyone else worry about sweating? Am I the only human being that sweats? Jeez. Marty really does wear this well, even though the suit is kinda weird looking. It’s too much pinstripe. My forth major rule is do not wear two pinstripe items together. Way too much stripe. If he would have just stuck to one or the other, the pants or the jackets, it would have worked, even with that “vintage” tie. God, why does EM call everything “vintage?” She just throws that word around haphazardly. It just makes her seem more stupid, if that’s possible, like she doesn’t know what it means. I like to think that Marty wears the tie because EM doesn’t like it. She keeps calling it vintage so she doesn’t slip and call it (Insert your own annoying southern accent.) “that ratty ol’ thang that looks like the one my granddaddy wore in his coffin.”
GINA: Brooke and Ellie Mae must have had a confrontation of sorts this week. Maybe EM was in a good mood and was able to let go of her white-hot hatred for Brooke. She looks beautiful. Everything fits well, she is properly accessorized, and her hair and makeup are wonderful. She must have shown up to the taping really late, (maybe on purpose?) and she had no time to change or do her hair and makeup. That's it. I find it hard to believe that EM had anything to do with this.
CRYSTAL: Pinstripes and pinstripes again, I am probably alone in this but I think it looks cheap, that’s the main reason I don’t like it. I also don’t believe that brown is Brooke’s color. Holy mother of God, did you read the description? It says that piece of jewelry around her neck and waist is (A) one piece and (B) that each stone was blessed and allows communication to flow with clarity. WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT. God, rich people will buy ANYTHING! Sheep to the flock-all idiots. You stick a religious “meaning” on any material object and the dupes will follow. And yeah, I’m talking mostly about you, Kabbalists. People in general are total morons, companies know this and feed on our rash impulsiveness and desire to follow the next cool thing. The only way to combat moron-ness is to take a step back and think…”is it possible I am being LIED to on any aspect of this??” Keep that in mind, people, I’m only trying to help.
GINA: Even though I am definitely not from a rich family, I have had the opportunity to be around my fair share of rich kids. It's surprising how many scenesters come from serious money. I have a feeling that's why most of them suck. Actually, it's not all that surprising, because rich kids are the only ones that can afford to sit in their house and paint or play music or do anything creative all day while having no job or responsibilities to get in the way. Anyway, the few genuinely spiritual rich kids I knew were really into Astrology or they were Scientologists. Oh, and by "knew" I mean, "I knew you from going to shows and because my boyfriend at the time was in a band that you fuckers liked for some godforesaken reason but we don't say, hang out" So it's not like I was rolling deep with the rich kids. But anyway. Here's the thing about new age spirtuality and rich people. Christianity is not exotic enough for these rich, white folks. You can't buy eight dollar bottled waters blessed by Jesus himself. You can't buy jewelry guaranteed to open the channels of communication with the hand of Christ. Anyone can pray. But only the elite can hire a former waitress from Santa Fe, New Mexico as her personal full time psychic. When I would talk (or more accurately, when one of them would bother speaking to me) about religion, it was always more about making fun of Christians and typical middle class America than it was about their personal spirituality. It always turned into some holier-than-thou self congratulatory smugfest. Fucking Scientologists. Sure, I make fun of the same things all the time, but those are my people. I'm allowed.
CRYSTAL: Wow, Gina, that was quite the soapbox. I was more just shitting all over their beliefs. You were more shitting all over their entire reason to live. Of course, yours was way funnier.
GINA: Breaking format to promise to never go into another political/religious tirade. It's been a long time since I've thought about all of that stuff and it was written before I knew it. Obviously, I'm still bitter. Apologies, everyone.
GINA: Dave looks like an elementary school kid dressed up as Dave Navarro for Halloween. He has to wear sneakers with his skintight leather pants because he doesn't want to get blisters so he can get shitloads of candy. I've had enough of Dave's balls. He is displaying stupendous amounts of camel toe here and....gross. You know, if someone said either you give Dave Navarro a blowjob or we shoot you in the head, I'd take the bullet. I wouldn't be able to live with myself afterwards if did it. And people would say, "Why did she choose death?" and Crystal would hold up this picture and they would nod with understanding. I realize that for whatever reason, I may be in the minority on this. But yeah. Rather die.
CRYSTAL: See it is pants like this that has forced Dave to walk so funny. He’s got that “I’ve gotta strut and use my hips so no one notices I can’t bend my knees” walk. He has enough odd things about him without the weirdo gait. I like EM’s description, “If anyone can fly, he can!” Is that really a compliment? Isn’t she just calling him a tight-pantsed fairy? Is that just my interpretation? I guess, if any man can fly, it is probably Dave. He probably only weighs 100, 110 pounds…put some giant, mechanized wings on that oversized red shirt and he could definitely get some air between his feet and the ground. Or better yet, Dave! Try jumping off a really tall building…see how that works out for you. I’ll give him one thing…I do notice that he’s not wearing a lot of extraneous metallic jewelry…this is a Casual Navarro look. Yeah. Keep trying, Dave.
GINA: His big puffy shirt mixed with horrifically tight pants is giving me a "fat woman in spandex" vibe. Certainly this couldn't be the best picture they got from this little photo session? Dave preens shamelessly, and if I know anything, it is that he knows what sort of poses are flattering. I'm positive he spends a good part of his day practicing them. Yet week after week he looks like someone making fun of Dave Navarro. Is it subconscious self-loathing?
CRYSTAL: I think it must be fat woman in spandex syndrome! Dave probably feels really guilty about eating that whole bag of movie style popcorn last night (It’s not diet food, you know!) instead of his veggie smoothie and now he feels all fat and bloated and decided to cover up with an old girlfriend’s shirt. She was a professional wrestler…hence the shirt size. He still has to wear the pants like that, because lets face it, men don’t have “fat pants.” He took some water retention pills at lunch. He’ll be back to his normal self tomorrow.
GINA: Wow. Jessica looks chubby. I mean, I know she's not. I've done nothing for the past five weeks but look at her toned, flat stomach. I could identify it in a lineup. Is this why she dresses like a tramp all the time? I can see her point now. Keep in mind that chubby for Jessica is normal for any other person. I hate dark brown and black together, maybe worse than I hate anything fashion-wise. Also, I like how, seemingly for shits and giggles, they have thrown in a huge yellow dragon. I think EM is messing with us. Like she knew this blog was going to happen and she thought, :"Fuck those bitches. I'm going to give them something to complain about."
GINA: Jessica’s outfit poses the mathematical question of: How do you make an eighty pound girl look like a fatty? Ellie Mae, in her infinite wisdom, knows the equation. She says take one stretchy-materialed knee length dress, add one god awful cummerbund that holds up your boobs so there is no need for a bra and multiply that answer by two trashy knee high boots and you get your answer. I was also going to make a comment about dark brown and black together, Gina. Now, I know the rules of fashion change all the time but I still am of the school that believes brown and black together is tacky and a major fashion faux pas. So I guess that’s why EM decided to put them together, because she has made her living being one giant walking fashion faux pas. Tackiness just erupts from her naturally, like me and vomit when I see her “work.” This whole outfit makes Jessica look like a colorblind first year college student who just got contacts for the first time and is celebrating by going to her first bar night. Some friends of hers did her hair and makeup because she’s such a tomboy and didn’t know how to do all that “girly stuff.” They just threw all that shit together and said wear it…and she did. The future Ellie Maes of the fashion world, ladies and gentleman, enjoy!
GINA: She looks like she's at the Vacation Bible School mixer and she just knows that she looks cool, but in reality she's not really that cool because it's hard to love Jesus and be cool at the same time. Loving Jesus comes after the years of booze, blow, and cheap sex. She has this air of ultra-prissy awkwardness that a lot of churchy teenage girls have. I never liked those girls. God, you make one corpse-fucking joke and they wanna get all huffy about it.
CRYSTAL: I know exactly what you’re talking about. My sister was one of those girls. I always hated it when one of her friends were in my classes in highschool because they gave me those dirty Christian looks whenever I talked shit about her.
GINA: Crystal, she cannot keep on doing this without facing serious consequences. He looks like such a douchebag. Like the sort of person I would dislike at first sight. And while we're here, I think we all need to observe and learn something from JD. It doesn't matter how good looking you are, how sexy, how whatever...you cannot pull off a fedora. You have a better chance of winning the lottery than not looking like a complete tool while wearing a fedora. I'm not saying never. I can't think of anyone off the top of my head, but I'm sure some of you could find someone (not someone from the past. I am talking within the last 15 years who is not from a movie set in a period when fedoras were actually cool) who is the epitome of awesome in one. I can't pull off a fedora. Neither can Crystal. And truthfully? There's a 95% chance that you nor any of your friends and acquaintances can, either. Just say no.
CRYSTAL: Gina and I have discussed the fedora a lot. I am of the opinion that, to Gina, the fedora is the tangible symbol that forces her to face the reality that JD really is a douchebag. She doesn’t like to remember that because he was her favorite and it embarrasses her…and that’s the main reason she never watched the reality show. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning the fedora in any way whatsoever…I know creative guys always try so hard to find something that makes them uber hip by using props that they have seen in movies like The Godfather or Goodfellas. I personally blame all stereotypical Italian gangster movies for the fedora and the desperate attempt for white guys to look more powerful. But it doesn’t work. Like Gina said, it just makes you look like a total tool. And unfortunately for JD, he is a tool, so he wouldn’t know the difference anyway. Wedding’s still on and everything, I’ve learned to look past the persona. I’ll change him. Once I get my hands on him there will be no more fedoras. Promise.
GINA: You're right. The fedora is the living symbol of the fact that deep down, JD is probably a bit of a douche. I pride myself on one thing, and that is that I will never be attracted to a douchebag. He reminds me of this guy that used to come into my work at the pizza place and hang out with one of the drivers and play his stupid fucking guitar and talk about his poetry and hit on all the girls. Like you'd go out for a smoke, and he'd start strumming that goddamn acoustic guitar and singing the worst kind of sappy punk poppy "I miss my girlfriend" bullshit and he'd steal little sideways glances at you to see if you were paying him attention. I'd just stare ahead, dead silent and eventually he'd give up and start talking about his band and I have never wanted to kick someone in the balls more. The worst was when he did sucker some poor chick into a conversation and I had to listen to him spew lie after lie.Your eyes are beautiful, I'm going to write a poem about them. My band? Yeah, we're playing with Thursday when they come through town. I.....feel....things more.....than most...people. And honestly? JD is probably more that guy than whatever I wish JD was. But hey, what's the point in living in a real reality when you can live a better one in your head?
CRYSTAL: I try not to fall in love with douchbags either. It just happened. What can I say? The heart wants what it wants.
GINA: I have heard back and forth about whether or not Deanna has implants. From this dress, I would vote no. If she does have them, I want the name of her doctor because he is fucking good. That being said, when your breasts are gigantic you should be wearing a bra. I'm straight, so I'm not sure if giant pendulums of thunderous breastflesh bouncing haphazardly, twisting and flipping in every direction is sexy, but all I can think about is how much all that jumping around hurts a braless chest. If she was PMSing I guarantee she was in a horrific amount of pain. The bra thing is more for her than for me. Okay, more for me, but it's not completely selfish.
CRYSTAL: I think she must have been in pain anyway…she doesn’t necessarily have to be PMSing. Let me tell you something about going braless, in case you are in unawares, when you first take off your bra because the shirt looks weird with it, your boobs look pretty good for the most part. They’re buoyant and perky, just like you want. But as the night wears on those bitches get tired and they can’t take the strain anymore. They ultimately let you down and they sag harder than a telephone wire covered in crows. Boobs are assholes like that. Since this is the second entry I’ve dedicated to Deanna’s boobs I’m starting to feel like a pervert. So let me start in on her dress. First of all, the top part is see through. A forty year old woman should never wear a see through top unless that woman happens to be Cher who can do whatever she damn well pleases because she’s awesome like that. The colors are also not very R&R. She looks like she’s attending her first ever Golden Globe awards or something. Not right for this show. But, then, who wears anything right for this show?
GINA: Aw, aw, aw, Jesus Christ. I remember this. God, how I remember this. If I recall correctly, and if I didn't I don't care because this association is seared into my brain, he was wearing a little feather doo-dad on the back of his tail. If they reformed the Village People today, and modernized them, Ty would TOTALLY be the Indian. This isn't a picture from Rock Star, this is from the Village People's press kit. You know, I might be on to something there. If anyone here knows Ty, feel free to tell him my idea. He would be good at it, and I bet he would like it.
CRYSTAL: I also remember his hair from the show and I believe my comment was “He looks like an extra from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. He could so be Tina Turner’s bitch.” I had no idea there was even such a thing as Scottish plaid pants. That phrase should be stricken from every known vocabulary in the world today. This is unbelievably embarrassing for Ty. No one should have to perform in their pajama bottoms, no matter how late it was they got to costume because you lost track of time whilst saying goodbye to your overnight “friend.” Ellie Mae hates it when people don’t respect her schedule, you will pay for your tardiness, Ty demonstrates that.
GINA: Oh yeah right. Ellie Mae loved this. I bet EM and Ty were big girlfriends. She'd set aside special pieces just for him and they'd stay up all night planning his hair and makeup. They'd do the both cheeks kiss kiss thing which is very annoying and trying too hard to be European, like they just got back from vacation and think that they are actually French. And you want to remind them that here in America, we're doing just fine with the handshake. I mean, when in Rome, greet as the Romans do, but when in America and from America, don't invade my personal space.
CRYSTAL: You’re probably right. It’s me who is embarrassed for him. He has no shame. He is the equivalent of a male stripper in this competition. I can’t even look at him without covering my face with my hands first to hide most of my view. He gives me that queasy feeling that only the fear of some guy’s wang gyrating in my face can bring.
GINA: At first I was like, "What the hell kind of barrette is that?" then I realized it was her black streak. I remember back in '95 when James Iha did this and it was cool. For the mathematically challenged, that was ten years ago. I remember being in the eighth grade and really wanting to do this and being pissed off because my mom wouldn't let me. Maybe that is Suzie's problem. Maybe she wanted to dye her hair four different colors when she was fourteen and her mom wouldn't let her. That day she made a promise to herself. When she turned eighteen (or whatever age is legally an adult in Canada. I'm too lazy to look it up. Typical American.) she would do whatever she wanted to do with her hair. And she hasn't let go of the anger yet. She gets a touchup and you can hear her muttering underneath her breath, "Fuck you, Mom. I'm gonna dye my hair however I want. This looks totally awesome."
CRYSTAL: Umm, Gwen Stefani called, and uh, yeah, she said you’re a bitch and ruining her hairstyle. She’d like it back now, ‘cause you’ve like abused it and shit. I wonder what she keeps in that giant, red leather fanny pack? If I know Suzie, and I’d like to think I do, it’s probably her new prescription for Paxil, some tampons and her journal. Her journal entry today starts out with: Dear Diary, I had such a fun time singing that Sam-what’s-his-name song. I think I’m the best singer here and if I could be the only woman left at the end of this I promise to God, I’ll just keep mentioning it over and over and over until people want to put their heads through their TV screen….” And there’re about a hundred more entries just like that.
GINA: I don't think I've got anything that is going to be able to compete with that. Moving along......
GINA: Not the twee legs again. I can't take it. I suppose it is because he is trying for sensitive and vulnerable, but it is so innocent/sexual which is totally creepy to me coming from a grown man. Like he'd take you home and want you to rock him to sleep and would get off on pretending that you are breastfeeding him. I like how Ellie Mae has gone ahead and put him in the jacket, tie, and vest without the shirt. Truthfully, though, I bet that was MiG's call. He knows what kind of power he holds in that chest. A power that I am 199% immune to, but a power nonetheless. I loved how on each show he would rip off his shirt. I always enjoy that in men, that willingness to whore yourself a bit. It amuses me.
CRYSTAL: Okay, MiG, you may want to sit down, I’ve got a couple of compliments. First your hair doesn’t look it usual elf rockery. I almost go as far as to say I like it…and those pants, you must feel like you’re absolutely swimming in those. See MiG, isn’t it nice to be able to sit down without fear of crushing your (probably) permanently scrunched nuts? You can seriously forget about having kids naturally. There are problems with the attire, namely the tie and placement, but instead of proceeding I’m going to quit here. It’s so rare that I can say anything nice about MiG, as a matter of fact I don’t think I have at all aside from this…I’m going to enjoy the moment. Sorry to disappoint.
GINA: Crystal, seriously? Are you telling me that if we went to a show and MiG was performing and we didn't know who he was that we wouldn't DIE laughing at him? At least at first? Just based on outfit alone? Keep in mind that we are the same two girls that went that sketch comedy thing and sat in the very back openly making fun of everything from the people in attendance to the performers. Remember when I said we should be quieter and you said, "No. I hope they hear us and write a sketch about it" and we decided that if they had any kind of sense at all they would cast two ugly, fat men as you and I? You have a ridicule reflex, Crystal, and I can't believe you are denying yourself like this.
CRYSTAL: God, I wonder when it happened I became so mean? It’s like slowly drinking while sitting down. You don’t realize how drunk you are until you stand up…I never realize how good I am at making fun of people until what I say it repeated back to me. God, how hilarious would that sketch be though?? Fat men playing us? I say those are Tony award performances right there. It would certainly be exponentially funnier than the shit they were already doing…you can only go up from that.
In all honesty I would make fun of MiG if I had no prior knowledge of him. But, I’m honoring my commitment to him and letting it go...just this once.
GINA: I love her hair. I love that she is working that big old nest of hair. She looks like a queen. She looks fantastic, except for one drawback. THE HUGE BROWN FLARES THAT ARE POOLING ON THE FLOOR AND THAT DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL. Are you kidding me? I'm at a loss. I don't understand why EM did not put her in black pants. Oh wait....that's right! EM is a fashion retard who shouldn't be allowed to dress her children, much less people on my television. This perfectly demonstrates Ellie Mae's fundamental problem. It's not 100% wrong, it has its points, but she ruins it with little details that she thinks are "elegant" or "rock and roll" and it fucks everything up. The one person that is sure to look like a fool is the person that is trying too hard. We've all seen them and we've felt sorry for them. Well, if you're me, you probably make a crack or two unless they are truly pathetic. And this show was a 12 week parade of trying too hard, fashion-wise. You've done a piss poor job, Ellie Mae, and I think you owe each and every rocker an apology. Except Daphna, because I've seen what she wears in her free time and it's worse than any of the crap you put her in. Congratulations. I guess you did do something right.
CRYSTAL: I agree with the hair. I agree with the shirt. I agree with hating the pants. All together, I would have to say nay to this outfit. It’s the pants. It sways the whole vote. There’s so little else to say. The thing with Jordis is that she has got talent coming out the ass but no ego to defend her against creatures like EM. When you can sing like Jordis, when you have a presence like Jordis, you have to have a voice inside of you saying “I am way better than most people, I need to look like I’m better than most people.” While I love humility and subtlety, I think that deep inside, unbeknownst to anyone else, a “star” must resign themselves to that feeling. They need to look better than everyone because they are on TV and we’re not. We, the viewers, have to be jealous, otherwise, what’s the point?
GINA: I love how he is showcasing his crotch and looks like he's asking you a question. I like to imagine he's bumming a cigarette. I would totally give him one because...that's pretty funny. I think Marty must really love that tie, and I hate to break it to him, but he and I both know that no matter how hard you wish paisley looks bad with stripes. I'm sure that there is a very good reason as to why you wear it, but I know you are better than that. I believe in you. Don't let me down. Please retire it. Or wear it with solid black, or something. No patterns or t-shirts. Compared to the others, you are a shining star and that's why I'm so hard on you. Because I care and because you are the best. Don't make me regret saying that, Marty. I beg you.
CRYSTAL: Ah, Marty, you so look like Halloween Jack this week. I don’t know if this is really what I want to see you in. I image a full velvet pinstripe suit gets pretty hot on stage…doesn’t anyone else worry about sweating? Am I the only human being that sweats? Jeez. Marty really does wear this well, even though the suit is kinda weird looking. It’s too much pinstripe. My forth major rule is do not wear two pinstripe items together. Way too much stripe. If he would have just stuck to one or the other, the pants or the jackets, it would have worked, even with that “vintage” tie. God, why does EM call everything “vintage?” She just throws that word around haphazardly. It just makes her seem more stupid, if that’s possible, like she doesn’t know what it means. I like to think that Marty wears the tie because EM doesn’t like it. She keeps calling it vintage so she doesn’t slip and call it (Insert your own annoying southern accent.) “that ratty ol’ thang that looks like the one my granddaddy wore in his coffin.”
GINA: Brooke and Ellie Mae must have had a confrontation of sorts this week. Maybe EM was in a good mood and was able to let go of her white-hot hatred for Brooke. She looks beautiful. Everything fits well, she is properly accessorized, and her hair and makeup are wonderful. She must have shown up to the taping really late, (maybe on purpose?) and she had no time to change or do her hair and makeup. That's it. I find it hard to believe that EM had anything to do with this.
CRYSTAL: Pinstripes and pinstripes again, I am probably alone in this but I think it looks cheap, that’s the main reason I don’t like it. I also don’t believe that brown is Brooke’s color. Holy mother of God, did you read the description? It says that piece of jewelry around her neck and waist is (A) one piece and (B) that each stone was blessed and allows communication to flow with clarity. WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT. God, rich people will buy ANYTHING! Sheep to the flock-all idiots. You stick a religious “meaning” on any material object and the dupes will follow. And yeah, I’m talking mostly about you, Kabbalists. People in general are total morons, companies know this and feed on our rash impulsiveness and desire to follow the next cool thing. The only way to combat moron-ness is to take a step back and think…”is it possible I am being LIED to on any aspect of this??” Keep that in mind, people, I’m only trying to help.
GINA: Even though I am definitely not from a rich family, I have had the opportunity to be around my fair share of rich kids. It's surprising how many scenesters come from serious money. I have a feeling that's why most of them suck. Actually, it's not all that surprising, because rich kids are the only ones that can afford to sit in their house and paint or play music or do anything creative all day while having no job or responsibilities to get in the way. Anyway, the few genuinely spiritual rich kids I knew were really into Astrology or they were Scientologists. Oh, and by "knew" I mean, "I knew you from going to shows and because my boyfriend at the time was in a band that you fuckers liked for some godforesaken reason but we don't say, hang out" So it's not like I was rolling deep with the rich kids. But anyway. Here's the thing about new age spirtuality and rich people. Christianity is not exotic enough for these rich, white folks. You can't buy eight dollar bottled waters blessed by Jesus himself. You can't buy jewelry guaranteed to open the channels of communication with the hand of Christ. Anyone can pray. But only the elite can hire a former waitress from Santa Fe, New Mexico as her personal full time psychic. When I would talk (or more accurately, when one of them would bother speaking to me) about religion, it was always more about making fun of Christians and typical middle class America than it was about their personal spirituality. It always turned into some holier-than-thou self congratulatory smugfest. Fucking Scientologists. Sure, I make fun of the same things all the time, but those are my people. I'm allowed.
CRYSTAL: Wow, Gina, that was quite the soapbox. I was more just shitting all over their beliefs. You were more shitting all over their entire reason to live. Of course, yours was way funnier.
GINA: Breaking format to promise to never go into another political/religious tirade. It's been a long time since I've thought about all of that stuff and it was written before I knew it. Obviously, I'm still bitter. Apologies, everyone.
GINA: Dave looks like an elementary school kid dressed up as Dave Navarro for Halloween. He has to wear sneakers with his skintight leather pants because he doesn't want to get blisters so he can get shitloads of candy. I've had enough of Dave's balls. He is displaying stupendous amounts of camel toe here and....gross. You know, if someone said either you give Dave Navarro a blowjob or we shoot you in the head, I'd take the bullet. I wouldn't be able to live with myself afterwards if did it. And people would say, "Why did she choose death?" and Crystal would hold up this picture and they would nod with understanding. I realize that for whatever reason, I may be in the minority on this. But yeah. Rather die.
CRYSTAL: See it is pants like this that has forced Dave to walk so funny. He’s got that “I’ve gotta strut and use my hips so no one notices I can’t bend my knees” walk. He has enough odd things about him without the weirdo gait. I like EM’s description, “If anyone can fly, he can!” Is that really a compliment? Isn’t she just calling him a tight-pantsed fairy? Is that just my interpretation? I guess, if any man can fly, it is probably Dave. He probably only weighs 100, 110 pounds…put some giant, mechanized wings on that oversized red shirt and he could definitely get some air between his feet and the ground. Or better yet, Dave! Try jumping off a really tall building…see how that works out for you. I’ll give him one thing…I do notice that he’s not wearing a lot of extraneous metallic jewelry…this is a Casual Navarro look. Yeah. Keep trying, Dave.
GINA: His big puffy shirt mixed with horrifically tight pants is giving me a "fat woman in spandex" vibe. Certainly this couldn't be the best picture they got from this little photo session? Dave preens shamelessly, and if I know anything, it is that he knows what sort of poses are flattering. I'm positive he spends a good part of his day practicing them. Yet week after week he looks like someone making fun of Dave Navarro. Is it subconscious self-loathing?
CRYSTAL: I think it must be fat woman in spandex syndrome! Dave probably feels really guilty about eating that whole bag of movie style popcorn last night (It’s not diet food, you know!) instead of his veggie smoothie and now he feels all fat and bloated and decided to cover up with an old girlfriend’s shirt. She was a professional wrestler…hence the shirt size. He still has to wear the pants like that, because lets face it, men don’t have “fat pants.” He took some water retention pills at lunch. He’ll be back to his normal self tomorrow.
I just have to say I love the blog *shameless fangirly squee*....all I can seriously think while reading it is a big, fat WORD!!!
Posted by
Anonymous |
October 11, 2005 8:36 AM
thanks, anonymous! It always gives us a warm feeling when others share with us their utter contempt for Ellie Mae.
Posted by
Please Stop, Ellie Mae |
October 11, 2005 12:29 PM
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