Rock Star: A Fashion Tragedy

The Principles of Critiquing

There is a shallow and easy art in critiquing someone’s anything. This blog has been somewhat of an experiment for what Gina and I considered to be minute talent in the area of verbal fashion abuse. Let me share with you a few principles we have learned so that you too can abuse someone for whatever reason you wish. I find it is a lot cheaper than aggression therapy.
(1) Find inspiration. We obviously do so well finding material because of great inspiration, not necessarily talent. And like our inspiration, Ellie Mae, we feed off weakness and we exploit it to the best of our abilities in a public forum. Good Times.
(2) Get personal. While I have to keep reminding myself that the rockers are not the cause of the endless parade of fashion failures week after week and that they are merely canvases where Ellie Mae demonstrates her “art,” it would be a lot less funny if we did not make it personal for the rockers. Comedians call this “nothing sacred.” As in, there is nothing sacred in your comedy, nothing that can not be made fun of. We have to insult their personalities—for your sake.
(3) Following from number two, my personal rule of thumb is go for the jugular. Poke the weakest part ‘till the stuffing falls out. The weakest part is where you either start or where you finish, but it has to be the focal point of your critique. Trust me, this works.
(4) The last principle, but not least important, is if you are doing critiques on a number of people (like A Fashion Tragedy) you need to find a real enemy. True, Ellie Mae is who we are raging against, but we have to have someone more tangible. Pick one person whom most of your venom shoots into. Mine is obviously Suzie and Gina’s was Brandon and Dave but now Dave singly. It’s just way more fun this way.

WEEK NINE



CRYSTAL: I would just like to thank Jordis for not wearing that ridiculous Fival-Does-the Salvation Army hat during her performance. Her jeans are again ridiculous and look like they were shredded with a cheese grater. I like her foldover shirt and jacket because it’s fitted through the middle and allowing for a waist once again. But, I don’t know, it’s not the Parker Lewis “Coolness” I have come to desire from Jordis. I feel that her look is probably survivor’s guilt from Ty getting the ax a show before she did. She was so upset when the closest thing to a big gay brother she ever had was booted, after his over the top performance, that she dressed like a railroad-riding-hobo to mask her shame, or highlight her shame, whichever. And why would she want to cover up her hair, Ellie Mae? That’s her signature, hello? Don’t cover that shit up, Jordis, rock ‘n roll’s gots to be free…

GINA: I’m not quite sure what Ellie Mae is trying to say with Jordis’ 50’s style biker hat, but I wish she’d shut up. I don’t even know why I bother being disappointed anymore. According to EM’s description Jordis’ white foldover shirt is held together with “punk-red” safety pins. I’m guessing “punk-red” is Ellie Mae speak for silver? Cos I’m not seeing any red in this picture. I’m so happy she didn’t wear the hat during her performance, too. I think that Marty finally had a sit down with Jordis this week and told her that she’s awesome and doesn’t need Ellie Mae to tell her what to wear. I liked Jordis a lot, but I am glad that she went home after this. Her face says it all. “Get me the fuck out of here.”

CRYSTAL: Is that what that hat is? A fifties style biker hat? Good lord, I had no idea. Some things from the past should always stay in the past like Prohibition, Chia Pets and this hat. I was happy to see Jordis go this week as well. She no longer looked like she was having fun and her voice was failing her. I can’t wait until her album comes out though...I just hope that the cover of her debut album doesn’t have Ellie Mae inspired horror, I won’t be able to bring myself to buy it…








CRYSTAL: I am reminded of some time in the mid-90s when a rumor was floating around celebrity gossip rings that Cher had one of her ribs removed in order to give the appearance of a smaller waist. I’m sure that is not true (although, if it were, I’m not knocking it, that’s just “thinking outside the box” at its best) but I have come to the conclusion that MiG must have had his penis surgically removed in order to sausage squeeze into the pants he has come to be known for. It is just ungodly for a grown man to wear pants that even a thirteen year old teenybopper might give second thought to (I wonder how much longer stretch denim will be in?) And where is this man’s body hair? Like, any of it? Sigh. I miss manly men, I tell ya. Anyway. That necklace shows Ellie Mae’s insolence for any middle-aged female WASP who thought about wearing it to her next social function to match her turquoise Chanel suit. Way to go Ellie Mae, upset all the republicans.

GINA: I like how MiG’s jean-corset is splattered with bleach spots as if to suggest he just came in from a long, hard, day of manual labor. MiG might be all muscle-y, but you and I both know that he’s soft as a baby bunny. No calluses on those hands. I am getting a serious Pamela Anderson vibe from him. She and MiG both love displaying their tits and ass in form fitting, ball hugging, skintight, trash ‘n roll getups that make everyone in the room uncomfortable just by looking at them. Put away your tits, MiG. You look like a goddamn whore.








CRYSTAL: I love Marty’s dark purple jacket. I just love dark purple…it’s so very cool. I also like his jeans. But that shirt? Uh, no. Bad idea, Marty. It looks like he had to do his own laundry for the first time ever and he shrunk his darks by using hot water. Poor Marty, being on your own for the first time is hard. When he was doing his performance this night and did his whole stringbean lean-back his whole shirt went almost all the way up to his nipples. Yeah, I like you Marty, but I don’t want to see your nipples anymore than I want to see Dave’s. Sorry.

GINA: Mushroom head is a serious disease that afflicts most of us, although, with proper care and preventative measures, you don’t have to be its victim. I don’t know if Marty fell asleep with his hair wet or what, but he is sporting a level five Mushroom head that should have been taken care of before the photo session. I don’t care how tired you were this morning, Mr. Casey. I have come to expect certain things from you and I don’t like being let down. Also troubling me is the expression on his face; which is making me think of a spooky, half-there, timid, man-child who has the mental age of seven. I want the confident and handsome Marty of last week back. This is a photographic reminder of every time Marty creeped me out on the show. This is why I couldn’t get super into him.








CRYSTAL: Suzie looks rock-diculous (now, Gina, that’s the worse pun ever). The hair is just strange in its old-fashioned yet strangely space aged bun. Those stringy things that are hanging from the slit in her skirt makes me think that Ellie Mae, in a last minute great idea, took the normal sized split with her powerful man hands and ripped it all the way up to Suzie’s cooch. I wonder if Ellie Mae paid a lot for that skirt before she up and ruined it. Well, I mean, made it worse. I hope she can still get Mark Burnett’s money back when she wants to return it for crack money. Of course, if I know Ellie Mae, I’m sure she paid with nature’s credit card. I have decided that Suzie is the fashion equivalent of a goiter. It doesn’t matter how beautiful a person is, if they have a giant, fleshy goiter, that’s all we see. Same with Suzie, it doesn’t matter how much singing talent she may possess, all we can see are these vile clothes. You are what you wear, Suzie. The sooner you learn that, the better we’ll all be. Her Bonnie Raitt song rang so true tonight. She can’t make me love her. And I won’t. Ever.

GINA: I wish that I could say that her ripped-to-the-vagina skirt was the worst thing going on in this particular ensemble, but I think that top honors are going to have to go to the fingerless opera gloves topped with gauntlet on one side matched with black wife beater. Ellie Mae likes to think that she’s some sort of artist and I’m sure she’d give us a bullshit lecture about how the elegance of the gloves matched with the ruggedness of the skirt creates a sort of texture orgy that is awesome. No. It’s not awesome. She looks like an escapee from a mental institution. She’s crazy and she thinks she’s Tina Turner. She’s singing Proud Mary and wielding a knife and…hold me, Crystal….I’m scared.

CRYSTAL: I just can’t wait until she is gone. It takes everything in me to understand how the Earth can stand to not open up and swallow her whole. Oh, and I mean Suzie, but Ellie Mae could join her in the bowels of the world. Stop scaring my friend, Suzie! I could totally take you.

GINA: Dude, and seriously? How sad is it that you are the only girl and you can’t make it to the final three? My guess is that INXS said, “Alright, mates. If she cries more than four times this week, she’s outta heah”.








CRYSTAL: This was JDs most beautiful week to date. I remember when I was watching this show and I could not even tell you what Pretty Vegas sounded like because he had, as Gina succinctly put it, “turned the hotness up to eleven,” goddamn I was just sitting on my bed, open mouthed and drooling, like, literally drooling. I only do that when I’m in complete concentration. Or sleeping sitting up. Gross. Moving on. JD is like manna from heaven hot tonight. Just cyborg hot. That might not be the best word to use but I was trying to think of something that implied inhuman hottness. It’s like he wasn’t made on this planet. He was just sent here to torture and confuse those of us who would not normally go for someone JD-like. I pray that eventually they’ll have some sort of support group for we obsessors. Yeah, letting this go will be the kind of withdraw I've only seen in movies like Trainspotting or When a Man Loves a Woman... and it’s only the beginning. I better start stocking up on tomato soup. Just kidding, you guys, that’s ridiculous. I would never watch When a Man Loves a Woman.

GINA: As Crystal mentioned earlier, I am fresh back from the tackiest place on Earth, Branson, Missouri, and I must say that JD is looking a bit like a local in this picture. I loved him tonight, I loved Pretty Vegas, and I was so happy that he fulfilled the potential I thought he had and just kicked all kinds of ass tonight, and on the show I thought he looked just…..uber-hot, but this picture is less than flattering. I think it’s the bottoms unbuttoned denim-on-denim that is causing me problems. Like I said earlier he is giving me the impression of a backwoods, illiterate, Ozark shack-dweller that would get real handsy with you if you gave him the chance. Huh. For once the idea of getting man handled by an inbred ruffian with three teeth is rather welcoming. Funny, that.

CRYSTAL: I think he looks good in this picture. Although he is wearing jean and jean (i jihad you, EM) I still think he looks like he’s calling to me. Don’t call him a backwoods Missourian, Gina, you’ll ruin this whole thing for me.

GINA: He looks good in the picture. I agree. It’s his outfit that is causing him to look like a hillbilly. Or a performer in the Baldknobber’s Country Jamboree (I wish I was making that up, folks. Google it. Actually exists.)








CRYSTAL: I see Brooke has slipped into something a little more comfortable for the 2 million viewers that have had to witness her weekly dishonor to skinny girls everywhere for the duration of this fine show. I can’t…I just…I mean…What is she doing? As if the material, the color, the sheen aren’t bad enough, the shape looks like EM threw a whore’s doily over Brooke’s body and cut out the top for her head. Egad. I believe that Blanche wore this for a nightgown once on an especially tawdry episode of the Golden Girls. Well, hope Brooke reached her goal of comfort, because she looks like an ass.

GINA: Ellie Mae, there is something I would like to share with you. Just because this dress, sheet, poncho, whatever you want to call it is silk and accented with lace doesn’t mean it’s elegant. This looks like she’s guest starring on Melrose Place as the sexy and mysterious newcomer who works nights, which explains why she runs around in a dressing robe all day. I am getting a big “Amanda Woodward” vibe from this. Heather Locklear totally wore this during one of those scenes where she’s trying to steal Billy from Alison so she’s strutting around the apartment in a tiny robe and we are all discomfited by watching Billy try to contain his lust because the guy who played Billy was a rather shitty actor and creeped me out something fierce. Man, I remember a lot about that show. That’s fucking ridiculous.

CRYSTAL: Yeah, I never got into that show. I watched my hour of 90210 and then I was done. But, I could see regular ‘ol Heather Locklear wearing this. Ritchie would LOVE it!

GINA: How is someone so awesome married to someone so toolish? I guess Heather likes to feel confident that she is the smart, funny, good looking, likeable, awesome one in the relationship while Ritchie is the one who spends too much time doing his hair. And the new Bon Jovi song? Sucks Dave Navarro balls. I thought the “It’s My Life” song was putrid, but the new one is even fucking worse.








CRYSTAL: Oh Jesus. Do I have to admit that Dave doesn’t look all that terrible this week? I don’t know if I can stomach it. He is breaking my jacket/no shirt rule. So I have that going for me. You know what? If I had somehow lowered myself to the level of finding my high school prom date on the internet, with all my bad karma from being a total bitch, Dave is what would show up on my doorstep. He wouldn’t even have a corsage because he would have been searching too hard for the perfect accessory to compliment his leather pants (hello, white scarf!) Yep, this is what could have been. Thank God for standards saving me yet again.

GINA: Thank you, Dave Narvarro, thank you. Thank you for wearing a jacket that mercifully covers up your ball-crease. You know, he does look pretty nice, mostly because the white scarf is covering up his exposed chest. This is pretty worthless to me. Aha, here we go. Since Dave’s photo wasn’t supplying enough ammunition, I hopped on over to 6767.com, his blog. Dave kindly takes the time to answer some questions and I would like to share with you my personal favorite

6. If you could change one thing that has happened in your life what would it be?
I have been asked this a lot and the truth is that I wouldn't really change anything. It's all part of where I am now. Well, maybe I wish I hadn't started smoking, but that's about it.

See, Dave, I would have answered this completely differently. My answer would have been, “Well, I would have told Flea and Anthony Kedis that maybe this whole Chili Peppers thing wasn’t going to work out before I ruined the ENTIRE album. I wouldn’t have told that leprechaun that I would give anything to be a rock guitarist, because before that I was 6’3 and didn’t talk about things like moisturizer and which pomade gives the best sheen.” I also noticed that it seems he closes each of his Camp Freddy shows with the Stooges classic, “I Wanna Be Your Dog”. Thanks Dave, for ruining a great song and my life, once again. One day I will have revenge, Short Stuff. One day.



So I know I said that you’d be getting extras this week, but I’m lazy. So I’m thinking now that after week eleven we will give you the extras. I just got back from vacation and I dare you to not come back from Branson feeling spent and like you may have overloaded your “smart-ass” chip due to the COMPLETE over-stimulation of being in the most patriotic, Jesus-loving, place on earth.

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae on Tuesday, October 25, 2005 at 2:14 PM | Permalink