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Week One-I Think I'm Tearing Up. Oh, Wait, I've Just Got Some Crust in the Eyes.

Welcome, dear readers, to our first official post of the season. Much to my relief and happiness, MSN has decided to continue with their photosets featuring the awesome rock style of our hamsters. This makes my job about a million times easier, so big ups to the MSN tech team. I forgive you for taking down the pictures early last year. We're even.

WEEK ONE


LUKAS ROSSI
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GINA: After reviewing the pictures of the rawkers, I think they've read our blog. I know that sounds totally egotistical, but I can find little else by way of explanation for the amounts of basic rawker black, and restraint by many of them in the accessories department. Lukas looks pretty fierce here, I must admit. I mean, he still looks like a midget and everything, but now he looks like a chic midget. Seriously, though, someone needs to tell him that that faux-hawk is making him look like he's balding about ten times worse than he actually is.

CRYSTAL: I think I know this guy. I think I'’ve met him practice posing outside of hipster stores in an uber trendy area of STL. I think he was looking down at me and muttered some shithead comment to his partners about my exceptionally low level of coolness. Then I threw a soda at him and ran. Dude...I totally fucked up his white, linen jacket. I did him a favor.

GINA: Remember when St. Louis was all shitty and there weren't really any uber trendy areas? I never appreciated what I had until it went away. There were always hipper than thou judgemental shitheads, (kind of like us! Except we're probably not as cool.) but there were a lot less of them and it wasn't always in my face. Half the time I walk down the street down on South Grand mumbling to myself like a curmudgeony old grandpa. You little bastards, back in my day, we used to do the proper thing and make fun of ya. We would have taunted your ass all the way back to New York. Ya ponce-y fucks.



PHIL RITCHIE
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GINA: You know, I didn't like Phil very much until the first elimination show, when he wore this dopey expression notcholance that endeared him to me. This dude does not care. And I appreciate his honesty. There's not much to say about his outfit. It's hard to fuck up all black. Ummm...these people need to start dressing retarded, or it's going to be one long ass season.

CRYSTAL: Phil dresses like he sings. Boring. His performance Wednesday night reminded me of all the terrible opening acts I ha’ve seen in my life. I mean, the kind of acts where they open up the song with something like "“This next song, this song I wrote when I was really down." And you'’re left there thinking, "“WHA? All of the songs have sounded the same, you fucker. Get off the stage."

Plus, I'm sorry but those spindley, un-toned arms are crying out for long sleeves. No. That's me. I'’m crying out for Phil to get some long sleeves. And a back brace. And a hair cut.

GINA: I know. I love how he can't even bring himself to pose for the photo. He's that lazy. Is he stoned? Phil is like the guy who opened up for the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs when we saw them. Let me tell you this. It was just him and an acoustic guitar and every song was preceded by a comment that this was a sad song. Like no shit, dude. Really? I hate it to begin with and having to sit through it while waiting to see the fiercest, coolest, broad in the world? Absolute tourture.

CRYSTAL: I was thinking about that guy who opened for the Yeah Yeah Yeah's when I wrote that. He is seared into my memory for all the wrong reasons.

DILANA
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GINA: So you know how last time I said she looked like a bethonged model at a car show? Well this week, she looks like that girl's lesbian sister. Rawkers have been trying this shit for years, but wrestling shoes are never going to be cool. Never. I do love her facial expression of complete and total confidence. The other rawkers need to take note of that.


CRYSTAL: Since when are people from South Africa such badasses? Shouldn't she be saving the continent from AIDS or something? Do they really have the time to be rockers? Priorities, people, priorities. Anyway, with her boxing (I say boxing) shoes and the black, ballerina ribbon on her arm she makes the striking statement that she is the woman to watch, if only for her falliable sense of fashion. Satin cargo pants, huh? Yeah. Still really cool in South Africa, I'm sure.

GINA: Dude, Charlize Theron's mom is from South Africa, and she totally shot her husband to death. Plus, the main villian in Lethal Weapon 2 was South African. There's an arguement to be made that South Africans are badasses. I mean, if its featured in the Lethal Weapon films, then it's true.

CRYSTAL: I just mean they should have other things to be taking care of. And dude? A Lethal Weapon 2 reference??

JOSH LOGAN
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GINA: Now this might just be me, but is anyone else getting the vibe from him? You know, a gay vibe? Is it wrong that that makes me like him a lot better?

CRYSTAL: Josh mistook tonight's performance for a super swell concert by Dave Matthew’s Band. Let u’s just dissect this, shall we? I hate his earrings and hair, for reasons already discussed, they are reminiscent of JC Chavez pre-mullet days. His sweater is something a freshman soriority girl would get for her new boyfriend for Christmas. It came with his own copy of "The Wedding Crashers." His freshly shredded pants are not giving him any Rock n Roll credibility. (Above the knee?? Make it look halfway authentic people, come on!) His belt is the only thing rock-ish and even that is generic. He is straight up pop candy...and I ain'’t liking it. Are we sure he's not another one of those Lachey brothers?

GINA: I know, but I can forgive it all if he's gay. Well, not his JC Penney olive thermal, because it is screwing with the Sparkly Rocker motif he's got going with his accessories. I think Crystal is right. He's a former boybander trying to adapt to these Rock and Roll is Cool Again times. Eight years ago this guy was singing in a mall in Orlando wearing a basketball uniform and a backwards, side-ways visor.


MATT HOFFER
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GINA: How sad am I that Matt was the first to go home? So many "Lead Singer of Keane" jokes wasted. I heard this toolbox tried out for The Apprentice before finally landing on Rock Star. You can tell. This looks so forced. Graphic tee with hipster sportscoat? Yup. Matched with chucks and jeans? You betcha! Girl haircut? Wouldn't leave home without it! He looks like an accountant.

Also, I've found out that I have some bias against Chicago Real Esate Rockers and a bias for Homeless Canadian Rockers. Who knew?

CRYSTAL: I'’m kinda sorry Matt got kicked off. I think he could have done great things with his hair. I mean, like tonight, it looks like Sally Field's in Steel Magnolias...tomorrow he could pull it back, spike it out and look like Pat Benatar. Sad really. His clothes weren'’t that bad either, not boring, but not exceptional. I'’m still down with the t-shirt jacket combo. I wear it myself at times. Matt i’s lucky in a way, it's like dying young, he never lasted long enough to get really ugly.

GINA: Matt is totally the Hey Guys I'm Cool dude at the party. Constantly scanning the room to see if we appreciate how hip he is. How broken in his chucks are. How his bangs are mussed just so. But since he's not naturally cool, the whole thing comes off kinda desperate and sweaty and pretty soon you start hearing people saying stuff like, "I know! He's so creepy" and laughter but you don't know they are talking about you, so you weakly laugh like you know what's going on. Maybe I'm glad he's gone after all. He's a bit of a sad sack. According to my made up backstory, of course.



RYAN STAR
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GINA: You guys, I think Ryan cuts himself. Why else is he wearing greyed, unhygenic, guauze wrapped around the middle of his forearm? Maybe we shouldn't make fun of him too much. I don't want to be responsible for his self mutilation.

Who am I kidding? Of course I'm going to make fun of him.

I think he was going for a "sexy" stare, (shudder) and got confused along the way and instead looks like he wants to bang you after he beats the living shit out of you.

CRYSTAL: Sigh. I am going to pretend, for the rest of the show, that this very attractive Ryan is hungover and not trying to look sexy for the camera. I think I can do it, I can fool myself a lot. I once convinced myself that a certain TV personality and I were getting married. I had everything planned out and arranged, the flowers, music, giant honking cake. It was only on the big day, standing in an empty church in a white gown that I realized that something had gone terribly wrong. Ah, imaginations. They do get the best of us. I like Ryan's look here, the not so boring black t-shirt, jeans, boots, an Ace bandage to cover up the probable Staph infection. That'’s hot.

GINA: I'm sorry about that whole wedding thing. I know I should have told you what was going on, but you were so happy, and I just didn't have the heart. I honestly don't know how you can find this cheeseball attractive, though. I want nothing to do with your fake emotions, Ryan. It's gonna take more than a little snarling and some puppy dog faces to win me over.


JENNY GALT
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GINA: First off, girl needs to eat a sandwich. She looks consumptive. Or like a white Ethiopian. I know some people are naturally very thin, but she...really needs to eat. Seriously.

CRYSTAL: Sans midriff, Jenny is hooching it up just right for the The Holy Perverts of Supernova. Her skirt, a Christina Aguilera Original, was an off the rack special. Which is appropriate because it hangs on her like it would on a coathanger; showcasing the muscle ligaments she calls legs. Gina's right, get this girl to Quizno's...she needs a sandwich.

GINA: She even looks hungry in this picture, like the photographer was dangling a pizza in front of her to get the proper facial expression.




MAGNI AGIERSSON
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GINA: So Magni looks like the guy at college who was always hosting Dance, Dance Revolution tournaments in your dorm and being kind of annoying, yet nice. I know he's a "STAR" in his native Iceland, (as he was so kind to remind us of) but I'm not seeing it. If you told me he was a TA I would believe it. So there you go.

CRYSTAL: If this guy walked up to me in a bar and started talking I would pretend I didn't hear him and walk the other way. That is mean and cruel but let's take a look at him. Besides his ultra boring, "I'm hanging at the mall with my girlfriend this Friday night," clothes, the white guy shaved head DOES NOT WORK. I'll repeat. DOES NOT WORK. Let me assure all white, prematurely balding men considering this option that it does not have the same effect for white men like it does for black men. You will not look suave, classy or put together. You look like a giant penis. Period.

GINA: I still sort of like Magni. I don't know why. At least he's not trying too hard. Or at all. Okay, he's trying more than Phil, but not by much.


TOBY RAND
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GINA: Step away from the tanning booth, Toby, the fact that you are Austrailian is no excuse because the last time I checked they had SPF 25 over there. He looks like the male version of Tara Reid.

CRYSTAL: Toby smells. I have a good sense for these things. He hasn't showered for days. The dude has been out on a surfing/camping/pot smoking binge and decided because he touched water, its as good as. I'll bet he smells like wet dog, bong water and BO.

GINA: My friend got into an arguement with her boyfriend over that very thing. She told him that he smelled and to get away from her and take a shower and he replied, "What? I went swimming!" Like that made him not stink and be clean. Oh, boys. So loveable, yet so dumb.



STORM LARGE
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GINA: Storm wins my "Hey, I Really Didn't Think I was Going to Like Her, But I Do" award. She looks pretty hotttt in this ensemble. She's got an authenticity about her. My only quibble is her limp, manic panic-ed hair.

CRYSTAL: I have a confession. I forgot the show was on (yikes!) last Wednesday and missed about half of it. I did not see Storm's performance so I cannot join in on the praise parade that Gina bestowed. I do know this, however, by just looking at her photo...pants cut that low are repulsive. If your cooch is two snaps and an ill timed jump from being on display, try on a different pair.

I have this horrible feeling I am going to run plum out of "whore" and "slut" and "prostitute" jokes this season by the third or fourth post. Shit.

GINA: You really are. We're going to have to get more creative.




JILL GOIA
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GINA: So once, my ex-boyfriend asked me if he could cut off the bottom of my tank top, because he wanted me to look like some Tarzan meets Jane bullshit. I let him do it because I'm very, very, nice. But after it was all done, he asked me to change because I just looked stupid and funny. Kind of like Jill. Also, those fucking flea market disco purses are bad enough. WE DON'T NEED VESTS MADE OUT OF THE SAME SHIT. Thank You.

CRYSTAL: Hey. We already have a Shakira...a cool one. There is no need for a substitute. Take your belly chains, giant jugs and two-toned, curly hair and skedaddle back to the hole you birthed out of. Don't worry, we won't miss you. In fact, I've forgotten your name already.



ZAYRA ALVERZ
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GINA: I want to like this, becauase for some Godforesaken reason I think she's cool. This would have worked without the train. Why, Zayra? You transformed yourself from "Coked-Out-Impossibly-Cool-European-Model" to looking like something Donna would wear to Prom on 90210.

CRYSTAL: I almost like it as well and have the same problem with it. To me, it is reminescent of nature films about bees that I've seen. She has to drag that train around like a giant, pregnant Queen bee carries her heavily egged ass around. Zayra is the cool one, dammit. Her hair and confidence exude it...ugh...

I'm gonna give her a break on this one because she's all foreign and shit, but I can''t bestow the same lienenacy on the boys. I think it's already been established that I am a woman of many double standards, and, I don't think I should have to explain myself to you people.

GINA: Here's the saddest part of all. Zayra, you are cool enough to work a spandex catsuit with random fabric tied around your waist. Do you realize how lucky you are? There are maybe 300 hundred people in this world that can do that. Don't get greedy. Please don't go to the Ellie Mae place anymore. Please.



PATRICE PIKE
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GINA: And I think we've found our Suzie. Oh, Patrice, poor, poor, Patrice. Where do we start? The four-year-old-knitted-me coverup or the black bra? The hair streaks? The bracelets? The sideways buckle with tailored pants? The cool eight years ago Frakenstein clodhoppers? The obvious lack of shame? You look like my Mom, Patrice. If she were, you know......white.

CRYSTAL: Gina, that is so totally rude. Your mom is way cooler than Patrice. Even her pose makes her look like a doofus. To live in a truly fair world, each woman on Earth should receive the same amount of cluelessness as the next. No one should be at this much of a disadvantage. But we do not live in a fair world, do we? And Patrice is looking like the first runner up in the Bi-State area's Junior Dumbass Faux Rocker Pageant. I think this woman could use a full legnth mirror.

GINA: You're right. My mom would totally have sense enough to never wear something like this. I love you, Moms. It's times like these when I wish I still had Ellie Mae to blame shit on. I still can't believe that someone would choose to wear this. I think the part that bothers me the most is that I think that belt came with the pants. That she got off the clearance rack at Gordman's. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but damn, dude. You're gonna be on television. You might want to spring for something that I can't see the silver paint chipping off of.



DANA ANDREWS
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GINA: Crystal, you have once again proven yourself to be much smarter than me. Dana is totally the poor one. Ill fitting, too short pants, fingerless gloves, wallet chain, a choker. All the parts fit. She's got that Gretchen Wilsonesque Trailer Face, and generally resembles a white trash Rachel Bilson.

CRYSTAL: Three words: Jerry Springer Guest.




CHRIS PEIRSON
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GINA: All I can think when I see this is "I wish Marty would have worn this last year". It's a good ensemble, nicely accessorized, but I find Chris so off putting that I can't bring myself to like it. Chris reminds me of Brandon. Like he's the Classy David Bowie of Neandrathals and Brandon was the Barefoot Chris Robinson. Reminding me of Brandon is no way to win points.

CRYSTAL: You know what I kept thinking?? That he kinda looks like Marty. I think its the nose and the haircut. But, while I liked Marty's personality, I totally dislike Chris. "I'm one of the best singers in the world." I nearly coughed up my Diet Coke when he made that proclamation. If he's one of the best singers in the world, then I'm Princess freaking Leia. He must have a hard on for people making fun of him...'cause I'm gonna make it my mission to verbally beat the shit out of this guy.

GINA: Sometimes, people just ask for it. It doesn't make a difference, but it goes a looooooong way with the not feeling guilty over it part.

You mean looking like an accountant isn't a compliment?

Well, crap.

I'm hurt, but enjoyed the rest of the post too much to care.

Dear Chris,

There is a difference between honoring a man's (Marty's) style and simply raiding his wardrobe despite all his stuff being ill-fitting on you and only highlighting the fact you've got the body of a Cro-Magnon man (Bradon)...please learn this difference soon or I shall hunt you down and kill you, mmmkay?

Much love (turning to hate),

Tooks :D

PS: Great work girls!!! -- You rock!

The best part of Rock Star: Supernova is reading Rock Star: A Fashion Tragedy (and Leper Pop) blogs.

I think Ryan cut himself b/c he overheard Chris proclaiming that he was a great singer and was going to rock out this week and Ryan just lost it for a bit (I know I did - lose it, not cut myself). I'll be mighty pissed if that whole thing was set up for t.v. and Chris is suddenly 'magically transformed' into even a decent singer. The only good thing would be that some of us would consequently magically be transformed into Princess Leia.

I need to say my piece about Matt Hoffer before everyone forgets about him (if they haven't already). I loved him. I loved him without fear or hesitation. He was like the product of some science fiction-like gene-splicing between Ryan Adams, Conor Oberst and Donny Osmond. I just know that he has velvet paintings of puppy dogs and unicorns hanging in his dorm room, and that he cries after sex. Plus, he truly believes that if you play it in Drop D tuning, that Duran Duran can "bring the heavy". And the psuedo-vintage T/sports jacket/dirty chucks combo is classic emo boy attire. True...a soul patch is always wrong and i believe is illegal in most countries but even Marty Casey made that mistake at one point. I am sooo sad to see him go it is a dark day for pouty emo-boys everywhere. i implore all 3 of you reading to pay your respects, please crawl up in the fetal position and blast some Morrisey on your stereo for Matt Hoffer. I'll miss you man... but chances are i'll forget your name in about a week.

♥ sheria.

post scriptum: thank Jehovah you're doing this for another season.

sid-it's okay to look like an accountant. it is never okay to look like a rocker accountant.

tooks-I know, I'm glad that the show is keeping in one tradition. My hating someone instantly.

leperhopeful-I can't imagine that Chris will ever be awesome at anything but sucking, however, I hope it happens because I would really, really, really, like to be friends with Princess Leia.

Hillsy! I have been staying off the boards (dial up at home and people making me do fucking work at work)more this year, but I miss it. Ever Clear and I were talking STL finale party, and you must attend, dammit!

sheira-thank you for that. it made me laugh very, very, hard...chances are i'll forget your name in a week...bwah!

Enjoyed a lot!
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  • I'm Please Stop, Ellie Mae
  • From SAINT LOUIS, MISSOURI, SUCKA
  • This is us at a bar called "Hillbillyz" in Poplar Bluff, Missouri. We don't live there (small favors) but we are worldly broads. We shouldn't have put this on here, but we figure if you are going to make fun of people's clothes, then why not post a picture of ourselves plowed, wearing shitty hats, glow sticks, and leis? Make jokes as you will. You know we would. We have been called "mean-spirited", "blind, talentless, bitches" and "just girls" by various people on the internet and by adding this picture we hope to add many more personal insults to the list. Recap: we made fun of what people wore on the television show, Rock Star: INXS. We will be doing it again for RS: SuperNOOOva. We thought the INXS show would be the world's biggest joke. And this? Jesus Christ. We can't wait.... ... drop us a line at rsinxsfashiontragedy@yahoo.com
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