Week Three-We Hear if You Take it All at Once it Doesn't Hurt as Much
WEEK THREE
CRYSTAL: Hello All! Glad to see that you’ve made it back for another session of making strangers feel bad about themselves. That, of course, would only be possible if I thought for one minute that these rawkers are actually reading our tripe. Since I know that is not the case, I have no qualms about continuing.
CRYSTAL: Jordis never really looks at ease in her photos. She always has that “lets just get this shit over with” type of grimace. It’s unfortunate because she does have such a beautiful face. But, if they made me wear a do-rag, I would have to same look. I hate do-rags. My father is a biker and I have had enough education in do-rags and leather fringe to last a white trash lifetime. Her jeans are also at least a size too big and they make her look frumpy. Now having said all that I do commend her on the fact that she has on no other visible accessories except the red belt that DOES match her do-rag. I like her color scheme. Everything else, eh.
GINA: That's weird that I've had two friends with biker Dads. It's not like we lived in Bikersville. Anyway, this photo looks like she's some sort of horribly cliched sitcom character. She's young, scrappy and sharp as a tack, and she's seen it all before. She would provide all the sassy comebacks and would spend most of her time with this very look on her face. Like she's saying "Please, just stop before you even say it". She would grow tiresome after two episodes. Good thing Jordis isn't on a sitcom. She's so pretty. Thought I'd mention that since I've been staring at her face for the past five minutes. But you are so right on the looking uncomfortable thing.
CRYSTAL: Yeah, isn’t it weird that you have two friends with biker dads?…I felt the same way when I made two Asian friends. It’s just not that kinda town. I am looking forward to Jordis’ new sit-com. Her dad should totally star in it and wear that big multi-colored kaftan he wore to the episode where she sang “Imagine.” Ah, that’d be awesome.
GINA: Technically, you only have 1.5 Asian friends, what, with me being a half-breed and all. I'd say 1.5 Asian friends sounds like the national average number.
CRYSTAL: Looks like she’s taken style from the chapter of Luke 29:48 which reads: “And the Lord said ‘wear what you will, my children, but if at all possible, wear a GIANT cross on the front of your body so the heathens will know whom to throw stones at, thanks, Jesus.’” I’m paraphrasing, of course. Jesus probably said something like “bless you” not “thanks.” Suzie looks like an idiot. The biggest sin here? That horrible shirt is cashmere. How dare EM smite all that is holy about cashmere? That should evoke heavenly lightning to strike her immediately if not sooner. Our Father, who art in heaven, how could you let Suzie wear this abomination?
GINA: Suzie looks like one of my friend's cousins decided to come out with us on a weekend and tried way too hard to fit in. Her clothes say one thing, but her bridesmaid hair says another. Her hair says, "This isn't the sort of thing I'd really wear." What is interesting is that a certain someone also has blonde, curly hair. I think the Demon Stylist is trying to create Suzie in her own image. This corroborates my Ellie-Mae-Controls-Suzie theory. Dude, if I ever make that cyberpunk movie I have written in my head this is going to be what the nuns look like. They would be commando assasin nuns. Who have bad taste in clothes.
CRYSTAL: You never told me you had a cyberpunk movie script brewing in your head…Tell me something, why am I friends with you again?
GINA: It's more an idea for a cyber punk movie. Dude, I'm sorry but I like sci-fi. Books at least. Get over it. And I said that more for the Suzie joke than any burning desire to write a cyber punk script. Actually, I do have a sci-fi-ish type thing going on up there, in my head. But no commando nuns. You are friends with me because no one else would be your friend. Or my friend, judging from all the dorky crap I've been spewing since we started this blog.
CRYSTAL: Okay, actually I like MiG’s jacket. It’s just so Sgt. Pepper and I have to admit I’m a sucker for a boy in uniform. Just not this boy, with his super-sleek weirdly perfect torso. Would it kill MiG to put on a shirt? I hate the idea of guys wearing a jacket without a shirt…where does all that sweat go? That’s right, on the jacket, and do you really think that it gets washed before they wear it again? Doubtful. Since the performance he did this week is among one of my favorites in RS:INXS history, I’m going to let him off easy…the jacket is fun, the pants are eck, and the dogtags, well, they’re just never going to be cool.
GINA: This jacket isn't so much Sgt. Pepper as much as it is Sgt. Pepper the movie, starring the BeeGees. MiG seems like the guy who would be the human character in a Sid and Marty Croft show. He would look very at home amongst dinosaurs or talking hats. I wonder if they put makeup on his chest to make his muscles more defined, because if not his chest is a little scary because it's so chisled, in a weird "I've had ab implants" sort of way. Which I don't think MiG has, but you get the idea. Plus if you just look at that face, you don't expct it. He's like that little kid that is craaaazy ripped. What's his face? He was in the news awhile back because someone accused him of taking steriods..but yeah...you look at him and your just like "What?" Though I must say MiG's chest is not unappreciated, however shiny it may be. Skinny buff is so much better than huge buff. Big muscles gross me out. Big pecs, anyway.
CRYSTAL: You are so correct. It is the BeeGees’ Sgt. Pepper Jacket. I just get all excited when I see red fabric and brass buttons. And that isn’t makeup he has on his chest, Gina, it’s a years worth of spray on tan. He looks like he’s very dedicated to bronzing. Man, I rag on this guy, I don’t want people to get the wrong impression, I do like MiG. He’s just a very nice guy in a completely incorrect body. It’s as though he should be a “hunk”…he has all the correct attributes, the square jaw, ripped chest, manly stance…just when you add it all up, it doesn’t equal right. It’s like God tried to put too much stuff onto one tiny man. Alright, I’ll leave MiG alone now.
GINA: I'm in the same boat as you. I really do like MiG, I swear. He was top four for me. He just lends himself so easily to this. We are terrible people, Crystal. Oh well, it's not like that's news.
CRYSTAL: I can’t stop laughing at Jessica this week. What a doof. It looks like someone stuffed a turkey down her top. I would think turkey feathers itch against the skin. Is this a case of suffering for style? I know I’m suffering. How could anyone honestly look at this bustier and think, “You know what? I can pull that off.” She is again wearing Poor Girl jeans that do not match in color or style to that top. And, holy shit, is she sporting those white-girl-corn-rows that were popular, oh, about six years ago? That never looked good on anyone. The Poor Girl: always a day late and half a decade short in the style timeline.
GINA: I bet EM talked her into it. She was all like, "Remember when Nicole Kidman added that peacock feather to her dress at the Golden Globes? How classic her silhouette was?", and Jessica let herself be seduced because "Ellie Mae is a professional." The woman is a monster. God, I almost wish you hadn't said the thing about her being the "poor one" because now all I can think of is that she's the star of some After School Special and she's the poor girl that gets teased all the time. And this is what she wore to the school dance, like she had to use the feathers to dress up the second hand bustier she bought at Goodwill. And then everyone at school loved it and loved her and we all learn that you shouldn't dislike people just because they are poor. Which you totally shouldn't, but really? Do we need to learn that from the television? Isn't that what parents are for?
CRYSTAL: I never learned that lesson, “you shouldn’t dislike people just because they are poor,” from either school or my parents. Maybe I skipped class that day and went to IHOP for breakfast. And my dad’s a Republican, so you know the motto, “no work, no food.” Anyway, I’m going to keep calling Jessica the Poor Girl and not really feeling all that guilty about it. You know why? White Girl Corn Rows. She’s simply asking for it.
CRYSTAL: I may have to join a self-help group. Hi, my name is Crystal and I…hate myself. I…like…Brandon’s…clothes. Dammit. Alright, I love his white belt and his white shoes, I like the simplicity of his shirt and pants and I even think the Nomad wears the whole thing well. Oh, wait a second, EM’s description says he’s wearing a “freebird” belt buckle. Officially back to hating everything about him again. Now, do I have to thank EM for that?
GINA: Yes, I too am having trouble finding things to make fun of Brandon for on this go-round. Luckily, he still has his Cro-Magnon face to mercilessly tease. Ugh, I really like his Pee Wee Herman shoes. Unfortunately, I mean that. He looks angry and confused, like you had just unfrozen him (since he is widely accepted as Unfrozen Caveman Rockstar, Encino Man, Prehistoric Hippie Douchebag, etc) and forced him to wear this outfit and take pictures. He’s standing there, posing; getting increasingly angry until finally, he snaps in an outburst of primitive rage.
CRYSTAL: That is a perfect visual. If they make an Encino Man II, Pauley and Ape Man Get Married, Brandon might have a career yet! You know Brendan Frasier’s manager will keep him away from that script like the plague. Oh weird! Their names are so similar, coincidence?
GINA: What's Brendan Fraiser doing these days? With the right director, this could be comedy gold.
CRYSTAL: I feel like I’m being haunted by the Ghost of Tastelessness Past. ooooooooooohhhhhooooo-----I’m coming after you with my super-scary black, Goth, leather gloves----ohooohhohohoohhh. I think Daphna is personally insulting the brand of Gucci by thinking she looks good. Look at those eyes! She LOVES herself. She is daring us to not like what she’s wearing. Or maybe she’s trying to make love to the camera? From what Gina said about last week’s outfit, she is the only one that I make fun of on this show that I’m worried about running into on the street. I think Daphna really would cut me.
GINA: She looks like a surgeon’s assistant in a Tim Burton movie, which I would normally think was pretty cool. Crystal, I know you are going to make fun of me for this, but I think this dress is actually really pretty. If she had just lost the gloves she would have looked great. I see what you’re saying about Daphna loving herself. She seems like one of those women who think that everyone hates them because they are intimidated, but really no one likes them because they are big ol’ bitches.
CRYSTAL: Its not that I think the dress is ugly. It’s that she has ruined it. She has ruined it with those gloves, those earrings, those shoes and that smarmy look in her eyes…R-U-I-N-E-D.
CRYSTAL: Androgyny aside, Tara looks like hell. The no-eyebrow look is never good. Her cheeks look sunken and the harsh, pulled back hair only exacerbates her sallowness. Now I’ll get back to that whole androgyny thing. I know this is a double standard, but, I personally have nothing against it when it comes to men. My first real crush was on David Bowie after I saw him for the first time in Labyrinth. True Story. Yeah, I thought something was wrong with me too…Anyway, after a certain age women should no longer try not look like a woman. Time does that for us all by itself, ladies. Now, I know the makeup probably wasn’t Ellie Mae’s call, but that suit sure as hell was. The fit is all wrong for her and the pattern is ghastly. This whole outfit might work for a cartoon character, but in real life, it makes her look like she forgot to take off her Halloween costume. And, Tara, hun, we are so over your underwear…keep that shit covered up. By the look on her face, she’s losing enthusiasm for it too. She just looks like a sad, vitamin deficient, she-male.
GINA: This is just wrong. You know you have made a big fucking mistake if that outfit is better and more flattering than your make up is. I hate to make more “Tara is old” jokes, but she’s not really helping me out at all. She looks like the third wife of a sixty year old rock and roller. She is a bitter mixture of dignified woman and confused Megadeath groupie. No, I take that back. She looks like she was married to Billy Joel and has just come off a three-month stint on summer of `85 tour. Billy Joel was always a lousy drunk. Also, in a sort of off topic aside, I just pulled up the Rocker Fashion page on MSN to get the week three photo sets and I see that Ellie Mae had the audacity to utter the words, “Sometimes less is more”. EM totally heard another stylist, one who is actually good, say that and repeated it to look smart. Because that woman has never used that rule in a practical application, from what I can see. Because even if I'm wrong and the rockers are more responsible for the clothing than EM, she has a duty to tell these people they look ridiculous.
CRYSTAL: I know! I totally read that today too. I like that she includes the word “sometimes,” as in “sometimes I use less, sometimes I use more.” What a crackhead. I can assure our readers that if there is ever a style on one of these rockers that is under the “less is more” philosophy, rest assured, there was blood shed between EM and that particular rocker. There was a knife fight backstage and it wasn’t pretty.
CRYSTAL: I rarely have a problem with Marty’s outfits, save for last week. It’s kind of amazing that he can find pants that go all the way past his ankles. I think his shirt, its design and color, compliment the slacks very nicely. I love the splash of red on the wrists. And I really love the fact that he is not wearing a necklace of any kind. Sorry for laughing when Gina called you a retarded man-boy, Marty. I feel kinda bad for it after seeing this. You obviously have some idea of what you’re doing.
GINA: Marty last week was the exception and not the rule. I too am glad to see a proper pants length on him. Marty doesn’t really do it for me, but he looks handsome here. I love this shirt. I even like the red wrist sweatbands. The pants fit like they were tailored for him and it makes him look taaaaalll. Which is completely hot. He looks good. Really good.
CRYSTAL: EM describes Heather as “subtle and sexy.” Yes. Subtle and sexy like a twenty dollar hooker in a dry spell. I know that joke was low and easy, but I couldn’t help myself. For such a skinny girl it’s really amazing how far down her breasts drop. This very light fitting and decidedly simple dress is ruined by how low it hangs and that bridle saddle she calls a belt around the waist. I think its time to mention the hair. It reminds me of when my high school drama teacher yelled at me, in front of my friends, weeks before a play saying that she had no idea that when I said I was going to dye my hair I meant carrot-top orange. Now, my hair faded, even before opening night. Heather is not quite so lucky. It’s not helping you not look like a junkie, Heather, that’s not really where you want to go with your hair color, is it?
GINA: WEIRD! Once I had my drama teacher (the one that came in a year after yours left our high school) yelled at me because I cut out my carrot top orange tips (if you have black hair, never bleach it. It turns a disturbing shade of strawberry orange. If you do decide to bleach it, don’t refuse to dye it back because you think it's funny to have retarded hair. It’s not. That’s a lesson I learned firsthand.) She was pissed because and I quote, “That’s most of the reason why I gave you your part.” I was a maid who was a little trashy. Anyway, Heather is in serious need of a bra. It’s not like EM has some big thing against visible bra straps, so I don’t really understand why she didn’t wear one to begin with. I agree with you on the hair, Crystal. She makes me glad I broke my Manic Panic addiction while I was still a teenager. She’s got a great body, though. Not that many people can be that thin and that curvy. She’s lucky.
CRYSTAL: Lucky is not quite the word I would use.
CRYSTAL: I may not be able to go on…my hands are all shaky. How does someone make a plain, probably dirty, brown t-shirt look so god damn hot? I’m done. That’s all I’ve got to say. Hey, Gina, did I tell you that JD and I are boyfriend/girlfriend in my head now? True Story.
GINA: If I were showing a friend this photo set, I wouldn’t tell them that JD was my favorite. Poses like this are what make me sort of embarrassed to like him. I would probably make fun of him a little and be like, “Oh, he’s such an arrogant prick, I don’t like him at all.” And it would all be filthy, filthy lies. He’s wearing one of my favorite man outfits, a (probably, hopefully dirty) t-shirt, jeans that look like he’s spent all weekend in them, and a little five o’clock shadow. He is scruffy and powerfully, powerfully hot. Being a woman and all, I’m not really in the habit of paying for sex, (I am generalizing, but I do know one person who has visited a "masseuse" and he wasn't a chick) but I think if someone came up to me and said, “For three hundred dollars, he can be yours for a hour.” I would do it. That’s so gross and sad. But it’s true.
CRYSTAL: He would make so much money if he sold his ass. I hope I can get in on that pimp action.
GINA: If you were his pimp you would be a millionaire within a month. And I would be very, very, poor.
CRYSTAL: Ty is breaking my “don’t wear a jacket without a shirt.” rule. He has also taken a dive into another rule of mine “do not wear a jean jacket with jeans.” It’s too much blue and you can’t ever possibly match the jean fabrics. People who go for this look are trying too damn hard to harness the spirit of James Dean or Steve McQueen. Let me take this moment to set the record straight to every man who is alive today…ahem…you will NEVER be as cool as James Dean or Steve McQueen. So stop trying and just be happy with your small, generic life. Okay, I do like that he folded his fin down and his shoes look sharp. But, I don’t quite get the pose. It looks like he’s trying to sell his accessories to a Podunk tourist. Two for five, lady, two for five…that ring here is worth ten straight up…it’s a deal I can only offer once…
GINA: Jean on jean always reminds me of John Denver and his god-awful denim chambray button-ups. Hopefully this outfit will get into a plane crash and die as well. Sometime in the near future my mom is going to read that joke and be ashamed of me. I bet she even tells me that it wasn’t very funny. Some of you might even be offended, but that is what I thought, and dammit, I just gotta be me. Sorry Mom and other John Denver fans. Ty’s pose is a little disorienting, it’s as though he thought the rings (and ring chain) were the focal point of his outfit. Weird because rings are so small and such a subtle detail. Well, not these rings, obviously, since they were hand picked by EM, and she wouldn’t know subtle if it took a big dump on her. Jesus, he looks so sassy in this. I do commend him for making the wise and correct decision to button up the jacket for the picture. Good job, Ty.
CRYSTAL: I had to take a break before I started in on Deanna…I also had to go to the video to see what she was actually wearing because the pose she’s decided to offend us with hides her entire torso. Before I start in on Deanna, I may as well just get this out there, I don’t like hippies. I don’t like hippies from the sixties that are still hanging around and having things like “Testical Festivals”, I don’t like neo-hippies who protest and play guitars while desecrating Bob Dylan music on college campuses all across the US of A, I don’t even like seeing pictures of hippies from by-gone eras because it just makes me want to hose them down and find them a corporate job. Now, this is the reason I do not like what Deanna is wearing. I do not like that her shirt hangs past her ass, I do not like that her jeans cover her feet…I think her hair is, by far, the most ridiculous thing this side of white-girl cornrows, and the mid-part isn’t helping. Grow up, Deanna. You’re not fooling anyone. We know you’re forty.
GINA: I wouldn’t worry about wanting to hose down old hippies and give them corporate jobs. I think they took care of that themselves years ago. I hate hippies as well, no offense to any hippie readers (and take a damn shower, will ya?) out there. Someone brilliant on the internets described Deanna’s ‘do as ‘Princess Pony’ hair. Word to you, my friend. I am impressed by her arms. Maybe Daphna shouldn’t be the one you’re scared of, Crystal. I bet Deanna can punch pretty hard. This isn’t great, but it’s a marked improvement over last week. Her makeup is flawless.
CRYSTAL: Deanna may be able to hit hard with her man biceps but who would know, she’s always slap-stinkin’ drunk by showtime. That’s pretty obvious from the way she swaggers her way onto the stage and warble-screams through every song. You think she’s posing that way on purpose? She’s trying not to puke on her shoes.
CRYSTAL: Oh Brooke, what on earth is going on? Are you heading over to an early LA Christmas party after the show? I feel this look is totally and unequivocally Ellie Mae. She would be the only cunt in the history of cunts to tell you to wear a satin green dress and suede red boots at the same time. And you fell for it, Brooke, hook, line and horrible horrible necklace. Even during the Yuletide season this color combo is seen as tacky, much less in the MIDDLE OF SUMMER. Oh Brooke, you’re hair and makeup look so cute this week, why do you let Ellie Mae have so much power over your apparel? You mustn’t let her control you like this, you have a mind too, remember?
GINA: The dress is absolutely adorable and I love Brooke in a ponytail, it suits her face. I can’t even begin to comprehend the chain-mail chandelier necklace that I’m pretty sure Ellie Mae bought at the Wentzville RenFaire. Brooke must have been flirting with the sound tech EM had a crush on this week. Poor Brooke. I feel as though I should reach out a hand of friendship and give her my number so she can call me when Ellie Mae makes her look stupid. Maybe she's really non-confrontational and needs someone to stand up to EM for her. Brooke, I can be this person if you need me too. It would give me pleasure to let EM know exactly what I think of her.
CRYSTAL: For all of you who are too cool to know, a “RenFaire” is dork code for a Renaissance Festival…and Gina is referencing the one held in a town in Missouri called Wentzville. Wentzville used to be known for cool things like being the home of the great Chuck Berry…yeah, now it’s not so much.
GINA: You know, there was a point when I was, without question, the "cool one" of our little mutual social group. What the hell happened to me? Or maybe I have always been this way, and you all somehow managed to be less cool.
CRYSTAL: My favorite part of this picture of Dave is the look on his face. He is totally saying, “Guy’s, please, stop telling me how hot and sexy I am…I already KNOW how hot and sexy I am, alright. My wife, Carmen Electra, tells me constantly.” Really, the main reason I’m picking on the look of his face is that there’s not too much to ridicule about his clothes. Would I want my boyfriend wearing this? No. But on a tool as big as Dave Navarro, this look is downright matronly. I mean that in the nicest way possible, really.
GINA: He looks so wee. I think it’s because his shoes make his feet look tiny and delicate. Or perhaps camouflage makes you look little. I know that he is short and petite, but unless he is standing next to someone I am rarely reminded of it. He looks teeny, teeny, tiny in this picture. Man, I always forget that Dave is or was a musician at some point. What a model. Also, I think his pants would fit me perfectly. I sort of want to borrow them. This show pretty much sucks for making me not absolutely fucking hate Dave Narvarro (but still admit he's pretty) anymore.
CRYSTAL: Oh man. I would be way more embarrassed to admit I don’t hate Dave Navarro than I have a huge crush on JD Fortune. And Gina, as you know, those aren’t the first girl pants he’s worn on this show. Now that you guys are best friends maybe you can call Dave up and clothes swap.
GINA: Notice the use of the words "absolutely fucking hate". I still dislike him out of principal, but I no longer want to punch babies when I see/hear him.
CRYSTAL: Hello All! Glad to see that you’ve made it back for another session of making strangers feel bad about themselves. That, of course, would only be possible if I thought for one minute that these rawkers are actually reading our tripe. Since I know that is not the case, I have no qualms about continuing.
CRYSTAL: Jordis never really looks at ease in her photos. She always has that “lets just get this shit over with” type of grimace. It’s unfortunate because she does have such a beautiful face. But, if they made me wear a do-rag, I would have to same look. I hate do-rags. My father is a biker and I have had enough education in do-rags and leather fringe to last a white trash lifetime. Her jeans are also at least a size too big and they make her look frumpy. Now having said all that I do commend her on the fact that she has on no other visible accessories except the red belt that DOES match her do-rag. I like her color scheme. Everything else, eh.
GINA: That's weird that I've had two friends with biker Dads. It's not like we lived in Bikersville. Anyway, this photo looks like she's some sort of horribly cliched sitcom character. She's young, scrappy and sharp as a tack, and she's seen it all before. She would provide all the sassy comebacks and would spend most of her time with this very look on her face. Like she's saying "Please, just stop before you even say it". She would grow tiresome after two episodes. Good thing Jordis isn't on a sitcom. She's so pretty. Thought I'd mention that since I've been staring at her face for the past five minutes. But you are so right on the looking uncomfortable thing.
CRYSTAL: Yeah, isn’t it weird that you have two friends with biker dads?…I felt the same way when I made two Asian friends. It’s just not that kinda town. I am looking forward to Jordis’ new sit-com. Her dad should totally star in it and wear that big multi-colored kaftan he wore to the episode where she sang “Imagine.” Ah, that’d be awesome.
GINA: Technically, you only have 1.5 Asian friends, what, with me being a half-breed and all. I'd say 1.5 Asian friends sounds like the national average number.
CRYSTAL: Looks like she’s taken style from the chapter of Luke 29:48 which reads: “And the Lord said ‘wear what you will, my children, but if at all possible, wear a GIANT cross on the front of your body so the heathens will know whom to throw stones at, thanks, Jesus.’” I’m paraphrasing, of course. Jesus probably said something like “bless you” not “thanks.” Suzie looks like an idiot. The biggest sin here? That horrible shirt is cashmere. How dare EM smite all that is holy about cashmere? That should evoke heavenly lightning to strike her immediately if not sooner. Our Father, who art in heaven, how could you let Suzie wear this abomination?
GINA: Suzie looks like one of my friend's cousins decided to come out with us on a weekend and tried way too hard to fit in. Her clothes say one thing, but her bridesmaid hair says another. Her hair says, "This isn't the sort of thing I'd really wear." What is interesting is that a certain someone also has blonde, curly hair. I think the Demon Stylist is trying to create Suzie in her own image. This corroborates my Ellie-Mae-Controls-Suzie theory. Dude, if I ever make that cyberpunk movie I have written in my head this is going to be what the nuns look like. They would be commando assasin nuns. Who have bad taste in clothes.
CRYSTAL: You never told me you had a cyberpunk movie script brewing in your head…Tell me something, why am I friends with you again?
GINA: It's more an idea for a cyber punk movie. Dude, I'm sorry but I like sci-fi. Books at least. Get over it. And I said that more for the Suzie joke than any burning desire to write a cyber punk script. Actually, I do have a sci-fi-ish type thing going on up there, in my head. But no commando nuns. You are friends with me because no one else would be your friend. Or my friend, judging from all the dorky crap I've been spewing since we started this blog.
CRYSTAL: Okay, actually I like MiG’s jacket. It’s just so Sgt. Pepper and I have to admit I’m a sucker for a boy in uniform. Just not this boy, with his super-sleek weirdly perfect torso. Would it kill MiG to put on a shirt? I hate the idea of guys wearing a jacket without a shirt…where does all that sweat go? That’s right, on the jacket, and do you really think that it gets washed before they wear it again? Doubtful. Since the performance he did this week is among one of my favorites in RS:INXS history, I’m going to let him off easy…the jacket is fun, the pants are eck, and the dogtags, well, they’re just never going to be cool.
GINA: This jacket isn't so much Sgt. Pepper as much as it is Sgt. Pepper the movie, starring the BeeGees. MiG seems like the guy who would be the human character in a Sid and Marty Croft show. He would look very at home amongst dinosaurs or talking hats. I wonder if they put makeup on his chest to make his muscles more defined, because if not his chest is a little scary because it's so chisled, in a weird "I've had ab implants" sort of way. Which I don't think MiG has, but you get the idea. Plus if you just look at that face, you don't expct it. He's like that little kid that is craaaazy ripped. What's his face? He was in the news awhile back because someone accused him of taking steriods..but yeah...you look at him and your just like "What?" Though I must say MiG's chest is not unappreciated, however shiny it may be. Skinny buff is so much better than huge buff. Big muscles gross me out. Big pecs, anyway.
CRYSTAL: You are so correct. It is the BeeGees’ Sgt. Pepper Jacket. I just get all excited when I see red fabric and brass buttons. And that isn’t makeup he has on his chest, Gina, it’s a years worth of spray on tan. He looks like he’s very dedicated to bronzing. Man, I rag on this guy, I don’t want people to get the wrong impression, I do like MiG. He’s just a very nice guy in a completely incorrect body. It’s as though he should be a “hunk”…he has all the correct attributes, the square jaw, ripped chest, manly stance…just when you add it all up, it doesn’t equal right. It’s like God tried to put too much stuff onto one tiny man. Alright, I’ll leave MiG alone now.
GINA: I'm in the same boat as you. I really do like MiG, I swear. He was top four for me. He just lends himself so easily to this. We are terrible people, Crystal. Oh well, it's not like that's news.
CRYSTAL: I can’t stop laughing at Jessica this week. What a doof. It looks like someone stuffed a turkey down her top. I would think turkey feathers itch against the skin. Is this a case of suffering for style? I know I’m suffering. How could anyone honestly look at this bustier and think, “You know what? I can pull that off.” She is again wearing Poor Girl jeans that do not match in color or style to that top. And, holy shit, is she sporting those white-girl-corn-rows that were popular, oh, about six years ago? That never looked good on anyone. The Poor Girl: always a day late and half a decade short in the style timeline.
GINA: I bet EM talked her into it. She was all like, "Remember when Nicole Kidman added that peacock feather to her dress at the Golden Globes? How classic her silhouette was?", and Jessica let herself be seduced because "Ellie Mae is a professional." The woman is a monster. God, I almost wish you hadn't said the thing about her being the "poor one" because now all I can think of is that she's the star of some After School Special and she's the poor girl that gets teased all the time. And this is what she wore to the school dance, like she had to use the feathers to dress up the second hand bustier she bought at Goodwill. And then everyone at school loved it and loved her and we all learn that you shouldn't dislike people just because they are poor. Which you totally shouldn't, but really? Do we need to learn that from the television? Isn't that what parents are for?
CRYSTAL: I never learned that lesson, “you shouldn’t dislike people just because they are poor,” from either school or my parents. Maybe I skipped class that day and went to IHOP for breakfast. And my dad’s a Republican, so you know the motto, “no work, no food.” Anyway, I’m going to keep calling Jessica the Poor Girl and not really feeling all that guilty about it. You know why? White Girl Corn Rows. She’s simply asking for it.
CRYSTAL: I may have to join a self-help group. Hi, my name is Crystal and I…hate myself. I…like…Brandon’s…clothes. Dammit. Alright, I love his white belt and his white shoes, I like the simplicity of his shirt and pants and I even think the Nomad wears the whole thing well. Oh, wait a second, EM’s description says he’s wearing a “freebird” belt buckle. Officially back to hating everything about him again. Now, do I have to thank EM for that?
GINA: Yes, I too am having trouble finding things to make fun of Brandon for on this go-round. Luckily, he still has his Cro-Magnon face to mercilessly tease. Ugh, I really like his Pee Wee Herman shoes. Unfortunately, I mean that. He looks angry and confused, like you had just unfrozen him (since he is widely accepted as Unfrozen Caveman Rockstar, Encino Man, Prehistoric Hippie Douchebag, etc) and forced him to wear this outfit and take pictures. He’s standing there, posing; getting increasingly angry until finally, he snaps in an outburst of primitive rage.
CRYSTAL: That is a perfect visual. If they make an Encino Man II, Pauley and Ape Man Get Married, Brandon might have a career yet! You know Brendan Frasier’s manager will keep him away from that script like the plague. Oh weird! Their names are so similar, coincidence?
GINA: What's Brendan Fraiser doing these days? With the right director, this could be comedy gold.
CRYSTAL: I feel like I’m being haunted by the Ghost of Tastelessness Past. ooooooooooohhhhhooooo-----I’m coming after you with my super-scary black, Goth, leather gloves----ohooohhohohoohhh. I think Daphna is personally insulting the brand of Gucci by thinking she looks good. Look at those eyes! She LOVES herself. She is daring us to not like what she’s wearing. Or maybe she’s trying to make love to the camera? From what Gina said about last week’s outfit, she is the only one that I make fun of on this show that I’m worried about running into on the street. I think Daphna really would cut me.
GINA: She looks like a surgeon’s assistant in a Tim Burton movie, which I would normally think was pretty cool. Crystal, I know you are going to make fun of me for this, but I think this dress is actually really pretty. If she had just lost the gloves she would have looked great. I see what you’re saying about Daphna loving herself. She seems like one of those women who think that everyone hates them because they are intimidated, but really no one likes them because they are big ol’ bitches.
CRYSTAL: Its not that I think the dress is ugly. It’s that she has ruined it. She has ruined it with those gloves, those earrings, those shoes and that smarmy look in her eyes…R-U-I-N-E-D.
CRYSTAL: Androgyny aside, Tara looks like hell. The no-eyebrow look is never good. Her cheeks look sunken and the harsh, pulled back hair only exacerbates her sallowness. Now I’ll get back to that whole androgyny thing. I know this is a double standard, but, I personally have nothing against it when it comes to men. My first real crush was on David Bowie after I saw him for the first time in Labyrinth. True Story. Yeah, I thought something was wrong with me too…Anyway, after a certain age women should no longer try not look like a woman. Time does that for us all by itself, ladies. Now, I know the makeup probably wasn’t Ellie Mae’s call, but that suit sure as hell was. The fit is all wrong for her and the pattern is ghastly. This whole outfit might work for a cartoon character, but in real life, it makes her look like she forgot to take off her Halloween costume. And, Tara, hun, we are so over your underwear…keep that shit covered up. By the look on her face, she’s losing enthusiasm for it too. She just looks like a sad, vitamin deficient, she-male.
GINA: This is just wrong. You know you have made a big fucking mistake if that outfit is better and more flattering than your make up is. I hate to make more “Tara is old” jokes, but she’s not really helping me out at all. She looks like the third wife of a sixty year old rock and roller. She is a bitter mixture of dignified woman and confused Megadeath groupie. No, I take that back. She looks like she was married to Billy Joel and has just come off a three-month stint on summer of `85 tour. Billy Joel was always a lousy drunk. Also, in a sort of off topic aside, I just pulled up the Rocker Fashion page on MSN to get the week three photo sets and I see that Ellie Mae had the audacity to utter the words, “Sometimes less is more”. EM totally heard another stylist, one who is actually good, say that and repeated it to look smart. Because that woman has never used that rule in a practical application, from what I can see. Because even if I'm wrong and the rockers are more responsible for the clothing than EM, she has a duty to tell these people they look ridiculous.
CRYSTAL: I know! I totally read that today too. I like that she includes the word “sometimes,” as in “sometimes I use less, sometimes I use more.” What a crackhead. I can assure our readers that if there is ever a style on one of these rockers that is under the “less is more” philosophy, rest assured, there was blood shed between EM and that particular rocker. There was a knife fight backstage and it wasn’t pretty.
CRYSTAL: I rarely have a problem with Marty’s outfits, save for last week. It’s kind of amazing that he can find pants that go all the way past his ankles. I think his shirt, its design and color, compliment the slacks very nicely. I love the splash of red on the wrists. And I really love the fact that he is not wearing a necklace of any kind. Sorry for laughing when Gina called you a retarded man-boy, Marty. I feel kinda bad for it after seeing this. You obviously have some idea of what you’re doing.
GINA: Marty last week was the exception and not the rule. I too am glad to see a proper pants length on him. Marty doesn’t really do it for me, but he looks handsome here. I love this shirt. I even like the red wrist sweatbands. The pants fit like they were tailored for him and it makes him look taaaaalll. Which is completely hot. He looks good. Really good.
CRYSTAL: EM describes Heather as “subtle and sexy.” Yes. Subtle and sexy like a twenty dollar hooker in a dry spell. I know that joke was low and easy, but I couldn’t help myself. For such a skinny girl it’s really amazing how far down her breasts drop. This very light fitting and decidedly simple dress is ruined by how low it hangs and that bridle saddle she calls a belt around the waist. I think its time to mention the hair. It reminds me of when my high school drama teacher yelled at me, in front of my friends, weeks before a play saying that she had no idea that when I said I was going to dye my hair I meant carrot-top orange. Now, my hair faded, even before opening night. Heather is not quite so lucky. It’s not helping you not look like a junkie, Heather, that’s not really where you want to go with your hair color, is it?
GINA: WEIRD! Once I had my drama teacher (the one that came in a year after yours left our high school) yelled at me because I cut out my carrot top orange tips (if you have black hair, never bleach it. It turns a disturbing shade of strawberry orange. If you do decide to bleach it, don’t refuse to dye it back because you think it's funny to have retarded hair. It’s not. That’s a lesson I learned firsthand.) She was pissed because and I quote, “That’s most of the reason why I gave you your part.” I was a maid who was a little trashy. Anyway, Heather is in serious need of a bra. It’s not like EM has some big thing against visible bra straps, so I don’t really understand why she didn’t wear one to begin with. I agree with you on the hair, Crystal. She makes me glad I broke my Manic Panic addiction while I was still a teenager. She’s got a great body, though. Not that many people can be that thin and that curvy. She’s lucky.
CRYSTAL: Lucky is not quite the word I would use.
CRYSTAL: I may not be able to go on…my hands are all shaky. How does someone make a plain, probably dirty, brown t-shirt look so god damn hot? I’m done. That’s all I’ve got to say. Hey, Gina, did I tell you that JD and I are boyfriend/girlfriend in my head now? True Story.
GINA: If I were showing a friend this photo set, I wouldn’t tell them that JD was my favorite. Poses like this are what make me sort of embarrassed to like him. I would probably make fun of him a little and be like, “Oh, he’s such an arrogant prick, I don’t like him at all.” And it would all be filthy, filthy lies. He’s wearing one of my favorite man outfits, a (probably, hopefully dirty) t-shirt, jeans that look like he’s spent all weekend in them, and a little five o’clock shadow. He is scruffy and powerfully, powerfully hot. Being a woman and all, I’m not really in the habit of paying for sex, (I am generalizing, but I do know one person who has visited a "masseuse" and he wasn't a chick) but I think if someone came up to me and said, “For three hundred dollars, he can be yours for a hour.” I would do it. That’s so gross and sad. But it’s true.
CRYSTAL: He would make so much money if he sold his ass. I hope I can get in on that pimp action.
GINA: If you were his pimp you would be a millionaire within a month. And I would be very, very, poor.
CRYSTAL: Ty is breaking my “don’t wear a jacket without a shirt.” rule. He has also taken a dive into another rule of mine “do not wear a jean jacket with jeans.” It’s too much blue and you can’t ever possibly match the jean fabrics. People who go for this look are trying too damn hard to harness the spirit of James Dean or Steve McQueen. Let me take this moment to set the record straight to every man who is alive today…ahem…you will NEVER be as cool as James Dean or Steve McQueen. So stop trying and just be happy with your small, generic life. Okay, I do like that he folded his fin down and his shoes look sharp. But, I don’t quite get the pose. It looks like he’s trying to sell his accessories to a Podunk tourist. Two for five, lady, two for five…that ring here is worth ten straight up…it’s a deal I can only offer once…
GINA: Jean on jean always reminds me of John Denver and his god-awful denim chambray button-ups. Hopefully this outfit will get into a plane crash and die as well. Sometime in the near future my mom is going to read that joke and be ashamed of me. I bet she even tells me that it wasn’t very funny. Some of you might even be offended, but that is what I thought, and dammit, I just gotta be me. Sorry Mom and other John Denver fans. Ty’s pose is a little disorienting, it’s as though he thought the rings (and ring chain) were the focal point of his outfit. Weird because rings are so small and such a subtle detail. Well, not these rings, obviously, since they were hand picked by EM, and she wouldn’t know subtle if it took a big dump on her. Jesus, he looks so sassy in this. I do commend him for making the wise and correct decision to button up the jacket for the picture. Good job, Ty.
CRYSTAL: I had to take a break before I started in on Deanna…I also had to go to the video to see what she was actually wearing because the pose she’s decided to offend us with hides her entire torso. Before I start in on Deanna, I may as well just get this out there, I don’t like hippies. I don’t like hippies from the sixties that are still hanging around and having things like “Testical Festivals”, I don’t like neo-hippies who protest and play guitars while desecrating Bob Dylan music on college campuses all across the US of A, I don’t even like seeing pictures of hippies from by-gone eras because it just makes me want to hose them down and find them a corporate job. Now, this is the reason I do not like what Deanna is wearing. I do not like that her shirt hangs past her ass, I do not like that her jeans cover her feet…I think her hair is, by far, the most ridiculous thing this side of white-girl cornrows, and the mid-part isn’t helping. Grow up, Deanna. You’re not fooling anyone. We know you’re forty.
GINA: I wouldn’t worry about wanting to hose down old hippies and give them corporate jobs. I think they took care of that themselves years ago. I hate hippies as well, no offense to any hippie readers (and take a damn shower, will ya?) out there. Someone brilliant on the internets described Deanna’s ‘do as ‘Princess Pony’ hair. Word to you, my friend. I am impressed by her arms. Maybe Daphna shouldn’t be the one you’re scared of, Crystal. I bet Deanna can punch pretty hard. This isn’t great, but it’s a marked improvement over last week. Her makeup is flawless.
CRYSTAL: Deanna may be able to hit hard with her man biceps but who would know, she’s always slap-stinkin’ drunk by showtime. That’s pretty obvious from the way she swaggers her way onto the stage and warble-screams through every song. You think she’s posing that way on purpose? She’s trying not to puke on her shoes.
CRYSTAL: Oh Brooke, what on earth is going on? Are you heading over to an early LA Christmas party after the show? I feel this look is totally and unequivocally Ellie Mae. She would be the only cunt in the history of cunts to tell you to wear a satin green dress and suede red boots at the same time. And you fell for it, Brooke, hook, line and horrible horrible necklace. Even during the Yuletide season this color combo is seen as tacky, much less in the MIDDLE OF SUMMER. Oh Brooke, you’re hair and makeup look so cute this week, why do you let Ellie Mae have so much power over your apparel? You mustn’t let her control you like this, you have a mind too, remember?
GINA: The dress is absolutely adorable and I love Brooke in a ponytail, it suits her face. I can’t even begin to comprehend the chain-mail chandelier necklace that I’m pretty sure Ellie Mae bought at the Wentzville RenFaire. Brooke must have been flirting with the sound tech EM had a crush on this week. Poor Brooke. I feel as though I should reach out a hand of friendship and give her my number so she can call me when Ellie Mae makes her look stupid. Maybe she's really non-confrontational and needs someone to stand up to EM for her. Brooke, I can be this person if you need me too. It would give me pleasure to let EM know exactly what I think of her.
CRYSTAL: For all of you who are too cool to know, a “RenFaire” is dork code for a Renaissance Festival…and Gina is referencing the one held in a town in Missouri called Wentzville. Wentzville used to be known for cool things like being the home of the great Chuck Berry…yeah, now it’s not so much.
GINA: You know, there was a point when I was, without question, the "cool one" of our little mutual social group. What the hell happened to me? Or maybe I have always been this way, and you all somehow managed to be less cool.
CRYSTAL: My favorite part of this picture of Dave is the look on his face. He is totally saying, “Guy’s, please, stop telling me how hot and sexy I am…I already KNOW how hot and sexy I am, alright. My wife, Carmen Electra, tells me constantly.” Really, the main reason I’m picking on the look of his face is that there’s not too much to ridicule about his clothes. Would I want my boyfriend wearing this? No. But on a tool as big as Dave Navarro, this look is downright matronly. I mean that in the nicest way possible, really.
GINA: He looks so wee. I think it’s because his shoes make his feet look tiny and delicate. Or perhaps camouflage makes you look little. I know that he is short and petite, but unless he is standing next to someone I am rarely reminded of it. He looks teeny, teeny, tiny in this picture. Man, I always forget that Dave is or was a musician at some point. What a model. Also, I think his pants would fit me perfectly. I sort of want to borrow them. This show pretty much sucks for making me not absolutely fucking hate Dave Narvarro (but still admit he's pretty) anymore.
CRYSTAL: Oh man. I would be way more embarrassed to admit I don’t hate Dave Navarro than I have a huge crush on JD Fortune. And Gina, as you know, those aren’t the first girl pants he’s worn on this show. Now that you guys are best friends maybe you can call Dave up and clothes swap.
GINA: Notice the use of the words "absolutely fucking hate". I still dislike him out of principal, but I no longer want to punch babies when I see/hear him.
