Rock Star: A Fashion Tragedy

GINA: It was smart of Brandon to wear sunglasses to hide his tiny, flat, serial killer eyes. Additionally, I appreciate the fact that he managed to find some shoes. Brandon proposes an interesting question. Can the homeless be rock stars? No. No they can't.

CRYSTAL: Sigh, alright. I have a Rock Star exclusive to share. Those glasses, they once belonged to Lindsay Lohan. She gave them to him so he would stop lurching over her at a very trendy nightclub in LA that he inexplicably got in to…he was using this line “so, like, I just got this super cool gig with INXS….yeah, man…I could probably get you tickets if you want me to…they’re gonna let me do my own thing, cause man, no one can, like, cage my spirit…what do you mean ‘what’s INXS?’ ” At least, that’s what I heard.

GINA: I heard then she was like, "I mean what the fuck is INXS? Whatever. Stop staring at me like that. Please take these sunglasses and hide your creepy eyes. Get the hell away from me." This is such a refreshing change from Mig. A lot of my guilt comes from the chiding my mother gives me when I am mean when we watch. Yet she never said a work when it pertained to Bradndon, so he is still nothing but a soulless television character to me. I am revealing myself to be the biggest loser on the internet. Okay not quite, but I referenced manga and mentioned watching television with my mother. Whom I don't live with. I swear.

CRYSTAL: Not at this moment anyway.






GINA: Jessica, I could take the easy way out and say that you look like a whore, but I don't think that is your problem at all. Actually, considering that you are wearing ripped jeans and a bikini top, (standard uniform in trailer parks across the nation) you look a little "rock star" and as classy as a person can look in said outfit. Which isn't much but it doesn't make me dislike you. I can't make any good jokes about this one. You win, Jessica. You win.

CRYSTAL: Jessica is one of those enigmas that I’ve encountered since high school. As you will see, through this entire show, she pretty much keeps her stage outfits fairly simple. Usually I use the word “simple” not as an insult but rather a congratulatory word. Yet, every time I see an image of Jessica I can’t help thinking she’s the “poor one.” You know what I mean, right? She’s the one in the group who never has any extra money for clothes and therefore everything she owns is cheap and tatty looking. I can’t help but want to give her some of my hand me downs just to make myself not feel so guilty.

GINA: Holy shit. You nailed it. I am left with nothing else but a vague sense of guilt that I hope doesn't carry over into next week.





GINA: I know that I am being nitpicky, but seriously? How is it that Marty's jeans are too long and bunch weirdly at the ankle? He is like 8 feet tall. If Marty were a girl he would have killed on America's Next Top Model. I assume that Ellie Mae was trying to show some whimsy and "cool" by teaming up a tie with a t-shirt. Instead of giving him the intended "original" style, it makes him look like a mentally challenged man-boy who is really proud of the outfit he picked out all by himselfs this morning. Crystal?

CRYSTAL: I don’t think I can add too much to that. Nothing funnier, anyway. But, remember when I said that nothing was hotter than a man with a shirt and tie? I guess I should have been more specific…also, the reason his pants bunch around the ankle? Because he has to push them down low enough to have some man-midriff. Duh, Gina.

GINA: How stupid of me. Of course!






GINA: I think that Ty and Ellie Mae come from the same place fashion wise because this ensemble is a classic EM nightmare. Upon close examination the dizzying combination of seven accessories, (two necklaces, two gauntlets, two bracelets, and a chain) cuffed manpris, and fourteen inches of exposed chest is almost too much to bear. Why even bother wearing the shirt? When did man cleavage get hot? Do I need to blame Usher again? I'm starting to really hate Usher. Ty is sporting a face of fierce fierceness, also making him a good candidate for America's Next Top Model. (Speaking of, I miss you Janice, you crazy bitch! I won't watch again until you return.) Ty looks proud, not ashamed, and that only leaves me to think that he thought EM really captured his essence. Which she did, in a way, but I am sure that it wasn't intentional.

CRYSTAL: You know what I really hate about this outfit? I’ll bet if you asked Ty what look it was he thought he was going for, he’d laugh in his condescending way and say “I’m just me.” That kind of confidence stemming from what someone thinks is “unique” but is actually just “ugly” pisses me off like nothing else.

GINA: Ty looks like such a bitch in all of his pictures. Even when he's smiling. The dude can sing and I'm sure he's nice. That being said he gives the impression of a diva male model who will "accidentally" stab you with the sharp end of an umbrella during a catalog shoot if he thinks you are trying to upstage him.

CRYSTAL: I’m sure there are many a fine, young, gay men who have met their end by Ty’s umbrella.





GINA: There was this club in the city I live in, it's since shut down, but they used to have a thing called Fetish Night. This night was basically an excuse for unattractive people to dress in faux leather and corsets whilst pretending to be vampires. Deanna looks like she would be the prettiest girl in the place on Fetish Night. That's not a good thing. She looks sort of "well-used" if you know what I'm sayin'. Remember that place?

CRYSTAL: Yeah, no, I’m not cool enough to know about fetish clubs. I will give one thing to her; she sure does have a lot of hair. Yet, amazingly, nothing looks skankier than crimped hair on a woman who looks like she’s pushing forty. I am relieved to hear that this top is “one of a kind” because I’d hate to think there are other people in the world taking this look for a spin.

GINA: Actually, it was just The Galaxy over on Washington. It wasn't a fetish club; they just had Fetish Night on Mondays. One time I went there unknowingly, thinking that all I would have to do is sit through a shitty band. That I can handle. I cannot abide witnessing the sloppy grinding of sweaty nerds with fangs and bondage freaks dancing to Skinny Puppy. I wish Deanna hadn't evoked this painful memory.

CRYSTAL: I wish you hadn’t told me about it.





GINA: And finally we get to Suzie, whom I think has a serious problem. She has let Ellie Mae have full reign on her clothing and she suffers for it. Suzie is lucky enough to be the one person from this week to have gotten absolutely nothing right with her attire. From the ill advised two tone go go boots to the fuchsia tunic peeking out from underneath her skirt, Suzie proves herself to be a cautionary tale to women everywhere. Do not let this happen to you, friends.

CRYSTAL: I just can’t get my head around the tunic peeking out from her skirt. I’m just stuck there. Do you think she didn’t notice? Do you think she made a last stop to the toilet before she got up on stage, accidentally pulled her shirt down too low and no one told her because they thought it would be funny? That’s what I’m putting my money on.

GINA: I'm thinking that Suzie has no clue what to do and listened to Ellie Mae in every respect. There is no other explanation for her season long parade of appalling visual miscalculations.






GINA: Ellie Mae hates Brooke Burke. Personally, I think it's because Brooke is one of those naturally skinny bitches and probably spends all day pigging out at the craft services table while Ellie Mae pushes around her freshly delivered "Zone" lunch and pretends like it tastes good. Little did I know that this would probably be her kindest moment towards our host. The outfit is once again ruined by Ellie Mae's lack of restraint. The pants look nice, and BB knows how to work a tank top. But EM couldn't leave it at six bracelets and two necklaces. She has to include some kind of nonsensical chain-wrap that makes Brooke look like her boyfriend talked her into being in the cheap sci-fi movie he and his buddies are shooting this weekend.

CRYSTAL: I don't know about you, but I think we should ascribe to the Coco Chanel rule of before leaving the house to take off one accessory. Now, since we're dealing with EM, perhaps we should take off five accessories.

GINA: Word on your Coco Chanel thing, Crystal. I don't know anything about her other than the whole "Chanel" thing, but she seems like a classy broad. Maybe she can dress the rockers next season.






GINA: Dave Navarro is sporting a leather ballerina look this week, accompanied by a gigantic and distracting fur collar. He is dancing the lead in "Tiny Satan".

CRYSTAL: Umm…what? Is it arctic cold in LA now? Hey guys! Turn up the heat so's Dave’s nipples don’t freeze!

GINA: As much as Dave goes shirtless, it wouldn't surprise me if he had a nipple attendant. Right now someone is feverently hoping that tomorrow they get the call to fill that position. This makes God angry. He wants you to go to church this Sunday and forget all about Dave Narvarro. And his nipples.

CRYSTAL: If only I believed in God…



Coming Soon: Week Three

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae on Saturday, September 24, 2005 at 2:28 PM | Permalink