Week Two-Part One-Dear God, This is Only the Beginning
Today we start our ten part decemation of rock star style. We will be using the "Rocker Fashion" weekly photo collections that can be found and ridiculed at rockstar.msn.com/
Week Two
GINA: Tonight we start with Heather, who obviously has a good sense of what she likes and what looks good on her. The fact that her attire is in good taste leads me to believe that Heather, for the most part, did not listen to any of Ellie Mae's suggestions. Her two gauntlets and three necklaces reek of EM; I suspect that Heather didn't want to make EM feel all bad, so she gave in. Or maybe EM convinced Heather that she didn't know how to accessorize. Which, like, pot, meet my good friend kettle, y'know?
CRYSTAL: Gina, oh god. I like her top. That’s the only compliment I can bestow on this “outfit.” Her grandma-shawl reminds me of the one a dear friend of mine, who has the mentality of a 59 year old woman, wore to a James Taylor concert she dragged me to back in highschool. Her jeans have that cheap-JC Penny-blue-color to them and those shoes look straight out of a bargain bin at Rave, ick. I will say one thing for her, at least her clothes fit. I do agree with you on those gauntlets, Gina, they are pure EM.
GINA: I still applaud her for flying in the face of EM convention and opting for the boot cut instead of the flare.
CRYSTAL: Agreed.
GINA: Tara, let's be honest, looks like your high school friend's kinda hot, whorish and slightly boozy mother. You know which friend I'm talking about. The one sat around in his room all day smoking pot and listening to metal. Remember him? I am unsure of who should shoulder the brunt of the blame, as Tara's lack of accessories clearly demonstrates that EM is not 100% responsible for this tangible lapse in judgment. If she approached me and I was INXS, I would fully expect her to ask if I would "Sign her tits, please." As I have watched the show, I realize that she is not at all like that, but Ellie Mae has once again failed us all. I think that she hated Tara almost as much as she hates Brooke Burke. Poor Tara is a good looking girl, but this show never did her any favors. What do you think?
CRYSTAL: While I do agree on her strongly resembling, as you put it, a “kinda hot, whorish and slightly boozy mother,” I admit I kinda like this outfit. I’m no fan of thigh high boots, and I am not making any exceptions here, but the dress itself fits her well and is very “rawker” chick fab. She can’t look too classy, she has to at least pretend that the explicit sex and debauchery that R&R is all about, is the creed she lives her life by. So that’s all the nice things, the mean things: following along where I think Gina was going, Tara looks old. I mean, this outfit makes her look old, past her prime. It would be fine if she was an established R&R queen, but she is not. She is showing her age in the worst kinda way. Oh, and that purple tinged hair went out in the early nineties, with no sign of returning.
GINA: Yes, you're right; I was trying to say that she looks old. She has the air of outfit induced sexual desperation about her. She's like the sad woman at the dive bar who's well past forty and drunkenly flirting with, judging from his extreme skinniness and chemically rotted teeth, a 22 year old crystal meth addict who has a tattoo of Yosemite Sam on his chest.
GINA: Okay, on to JD. JD proves to be both everything that is wrong and everything that is right about men's fashion. Meaning, that from the chest up, he looks great, as he is wont to do. From the bottom down he makes me long for the days when men weren't so fussy. Fussy really gets no love from me. When did men start needing distressed jeans? Who started the bottom buttons unbuttoned thing? Was it Usher? Do you know who the last people I remember doing that is? Color Me Badd. Do you really want to live with that? This is what it’s come to? Can you see how perplexing this is to me? By how many questions I'm asking?
CRYSTAL: Yes, that is what it has come to. Wake up, Gina; Man-midriffs are here to stay for a while, um, again. I think you can personally thank RS: INXS for single handedly bringing that back, and frankly, I can’t get enough. Wait, wait, let me put it a different way. If JD Fortune wants to show me any part of his skin: midriff, arms, ass, etc…I’ll accept it. I would never ask him to put it away. Never. The other reason I love this outfit? Men look the best when they wear a shirt and tie. There is nothing hotter. Nothing.
GINA: Hearty agreement from me on that point. Even if he's not wearing a shirt and tie, I put JD in my top five all time hotness list. I'm not proud of it. It's one thing to be in awe of the beauty of an actor or musician, but, never a reality show contestant. Especially not a douche-y one. We must keep in mind, as the season progresses, that JD is mind-blowingly hot despite the fact that EM and Co have put their taint all over him. We don't plan on being this nice to JD all the time. This was one of his best. There is a certain vest suit that I cannot wait to mete out punishment for.
GINA: Honestly, I've put a lot of thought into what exactly is going on with Neal's ensemble. I've got it narrowed down to two explanations. One is that he sold his soul to Mark Burnett Productions and listened to all of their advice, naively assuming Ellie Mae actually knew what the fuck she was doing. Maybe he thought that if he played along he could get some exposure and whatnot. Or he did not take any of this seriously, and picked out his jeans because they were the worst pair he could find. I hope it is the latter. That's what I would do, and it makes me like him.
CRYSTAL: I wouldn’t hold your breathe for that theory, dude. I watched the VH1 episode where they all got a clinic in “style,” if that’s what EM wants to call it. I don’t remember too much from the episode but I do remember two particular things. One, that fag, Dave Nevarro had no shirt on and was sporting a feather boa. Jesus. The second, Neil walked right over to an early twentieth century whore’s girdle and put it on over his t-shirt and looked very proud when all the girls complimented him on his personal flair. I think he sees himself as the Mick Jagger of this competition.
GINA: Or the Tim Curry. Listen folks, this is my third time doing this thing since my computer didn't save right the first two fucking times. I had a little Bryan Adams deal planned, but I'm sick of it. I just want this to be over. You aren't missing anything. It was a mediocre joke at best. And cheap. Very cheap.
GINA: Daphna looks like a prison bitch in a soft core pornography film. She's totally like, "Yeah, what the fuck are you staring at, ho? I've cut bitches for less. But you are pretty sexy. Come over here so we can passionlessly kiss and stare vacantly into the camera while making orgasm faces." That about sums it up for me.
CRYSTAL: My favorite part of this is in EM’s description and says that Daphna looks “iconic.” Yeah, iconic, I can see the striking resemblance to fashions icons like Grace Kelly and Katherine Hepburn. What exactly is iconic about a do-rag, a shirtless shirt, and leather pants with studs bedazzled on to make it look like an airport runway? EM really outdid herself in the crap department with this one.
GINA: I like her feather earrings. I can see her telling her fellow rockers some long-winded bullshit story about how she got these earrings from her Native American grandmother. Her dying wish was that Daphna become a famous singer. So she wears them in honor of her. Then as soon as she leaves everyone starts making fun of her because she is annoying and sucks. I suppose I should mention now that I never watched the reality shows so I don't know if any of my assumptions are true. That's the vibe I get off her earrings, is all. Also I should mention now that if you are offended by things like making up stories about people's dead grandmothers, then you should probably not read any further. The jokes only get worse from here down.
CRYSTAL: Well, as the loser who did watch the reality show, I can tell you this, everyone loved Daphna’s style. One chick told Daphna at her birthday party that she had the best fashion sense she had ever seen, and then I saw nods of agreement. These poor people are deranged and then EM swoops in and takes advantage of their weaknesses…and…sigh…you know how this story ends.
GINA: Jordis. Well...really...there's not too much to make fun of. This being almost entirely due to the fact that Jordis is the kind of girl that can pull stuff of that no other humans really could. She is the only person that got away with the fingerless elbow gloves, a fashion mistake that was repeated with almost every female contestant. This was the most beautiful she looked all season, the make up is just fantastic. You aren't going to get a lot from me by way of Jordis ridicule.
CRYSTAL: While I am not biased from ridiculing ANYONE on this show (including my favorites, like Jordis) even I have to admit, there’s really nothing wrong with this outfit. I adore black on rockers. It’s seriously the only color they should wear during a performance, for the most part. I also love velvet on rockers. She’s simple and pretty.
GINA: I'm not against ridiculing her on the whole, just not for this choice. Out of all the rockers, she had the least amount of looking embarrassingly stupid. There are only a couple of times when I cringed for her and I suspect that a certain Demon Stylist is to blame.
GINA: Mig is a paradox. Judging from the pictures alone he looks like frolicking rock-elf in a marching band jacket from the gayest high school in the existence of the world. However, on a personal level he is charming, affable, and highly likeable. I feel like an asshole if I really lay into him. So I say he barely escapes the depths of Steven Tyler meets Elton John hell to simply a diminutive elf-human in girl pants.
CRYSTAL: Gina, you are such a bleeding heart. I don’t even know where to start with this. First of all, is it just me, or does his chest look so hairless and shiny that he reminds you of a Ken doll in the most unattractive way possible? Maybe it’s just me. His jacket looks like a costume worn by a “Hello Dolly” chorus girl. And what is that thing hanging from his neck? Is it string? Is it metal? Is it jewelry? Personally, I think his jeans are the least of his problems…I hope his wife takes back control of his wardrobe once he makes it home. And here is a rule of thumb guys: if you already look like an elf, or maybe just someone who looks like you may have had a job in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, do not wear your hair so that it looks like all you’re missing is a pointy little hat with a fluffy ball on top.
GINA: I've heard the Ken doll comparison before. He'd be a Japanese Ken doll. He is the guy the main character has a crush on in a shoyo manga. In a pre-emptive answer, a shoyo manga is a Japanese comic book geared towards girls. When I see him all I can think is Tuxedo Mask, which is stupid because he's from a television show, not manga, doesn't wear a cape, top hat, mask, or tuxedo and doesn't have black hair. Ellie Mae really missed the boat with the whole cape thing. That was the only thing missing from her "MiG: Prancing Rocker from FarFarNeverAwayLand" collection.
CRYSTAL: You just said a whole lot of words I don’t understand. Are you reverting back to your people’s native tongue? And by native people, I mean Nerds.
Stay tuned for Week Two Part 2, which I will post later.
Week Two
GINA: Tonight we start with Heather, who obviously has a good sense of what she likes and what looks good on her. The fact that her attire is in good taste leads me to believe that Heather, for the most part, did not listen to any of Ellie Mae's suggestions. Her two gauntlets and three necklaces reek of EM; I suspect that Heather didn't want to make EM feel all bad, so she gave in. Or maybe EM convinced Heather that she didn't know how to accessorize. Which, like, pot, meet my good friend kettle, y'know?
CRYSTAL: Gina, oh god. I like her top. That’s the only compliment I can bestow on this “outfit.” Her grandma-shawl reminds me of the one a dear friend of mine, who has the mentality of a 59 year old woman, wore to a James Taylor concert she dragged me to back in highschool. Her jeans have that cheap-JC Penny-blue-color to them and those shoes look straight out of a bargain bin at Rave, ick. I will say one thing for her, at least her clothes fit. I do agree with you on those gauntlets, Gina, they are pure EM.
GINA: I still applaud her for flying in the face of EM convention and opting for the boot cut instead of the flare.
CRYSTAL: Agreed.
GINA: Tara, let's be honest, looks like your high school friend's kinda hot, whorish and slightly boozy mother. You know which friend I'm talking about. The one sat around in his room all day smoking pot and listening to metal. Remember him? I am unsure of who should shoulder the brunt of the blame, as Tara's lack of accessories clearly demonstrates that EM is not 100% responsible for this tangible lapse in judgment. If she approached me and I was INXS, I would fully expect her to ask if I would "Sign her tits, please." As I have watched the show, I realize that she is not at all like that, but Ellie Mae has once again failed us all. I think that she hated Tara almost as much as she hates Brooke Burke. Poor Tara is a good looking girl, but this show never did her any favors. What do you think?
CRYSTAL: While I do agree on her strongly resembling, as you put it, a “kinda hot, whorish and slightly boozy mother,” I admit I kinda like this outfit. I’m no fan of thigh high boots, and I am not making any exceptions here, but the dress itself fits her well and is very “rawker” chick fab. She can’t look too classy, she has to at least pretend that the explicit sex and debauchery that R&R is all about, is the creed she lives her life by. So that’s all the nice things, the mean things: following along where I think Gina was going, Tara looks old. I mean, this outfit makes her look old, past her prime. It would be fine if she was an established R&R queen, but she is not. She is showing her age in the worst kinda way. Oh, and that purple tinged hair went out in the early nineties, with no sign of returning.
GINA: Yes, you're right; I was trying to say that she looks old. She has the air of outfit induced sexual desperation about her. She's like the sad woman at the dive bar who's well past forty and drunkenly flirting with, judging from his extreme skinniness and chemically rotted teeth, a 22 year old crystal meth addict who has a tattoo of Yosemite Sam on his chest.
GINA: Okay, on to JD. JD proves to be both everything that is wrong and everything that is right about men's fashion. Meaning, that from the chest up, he looks great, as he is wont to do. From the bottom down he makes me long for the days when men weren't so fussy. Fussy really gets no love from me. When did men start needing distressed jeans? Who started the bottom buttons unbuttoned thing? Was it Usher? Do you know who the last people I remember doing that is? Color Me Badd. Do you really want to live with that? This is what it’s come to? Can you see how perplexing this is to me? By how many questions I'm asking?
CRYSTAL: Yes, that is what it has come to. Wake up, Gina; Man-midriffs are here to stay for a while, um, again. I think you can personally thank RS: INXS for single handedly bringing that back, and frankly, I can’t get enough. Wait, wait, let me put it a different way. If JD Fortune wants to show me any part of his skin: midriff, arms, ass, etc…I’ll accept it. I would never ask him to put it away. Never. The other reason I love this outfit? Men look the best when they wear a shirt and tie. There is nothing hotter. Nothing.
GINA: Hearty agreement from me on that point. Even if he's not wearing a shirt and tie, I put JD in my top five all time hotness list. I'm not proud of it. It's one thing to be in awe of the beauty of an actor or musician, but, never a reality show contestant. Especially not a douche-y one. We must keep in mind, as the season progresses, that JD is mind-blowingly hot despite the fact that EM and Co have put their taint all over him. We don't plan on being this nice to JD all the time. This was one of his best. There is a certain vest suit that I cannot wait to mete out punishment for.
GINA: Honestly, I've put a lot of thought into what exactly is going on with Neal's ensemble. I've got it narrowed down to two explanations. One is that he sold his soul to Mark Burnett Productions and listened to all of their advice, naively assuming Ellie Mae actually knew what the fuck she was doing. Maybe he thought that if he played along he could get some exposure and whatnot. Or he did not take any of this seriously, and picked out his jeans because they were the worst pair he could find. I hope it is the latter. That's what I would do, and it makes me like him.
CRYSTAL: I wouldn’t hold your breathe for that theory, dude. I watched the VH1 episode where they all got a clinic in “style,” if that’s what EM wants to call it. I don’t remember too much from the episode but I do remember two particular things. One, that fag, Dave Nevarro had no shirt on and was sporting a feather boa. Jesus. The second, Neil walked right over to an early twentieth century whore’s girdle and put it on over his t-shirt and looked very proud when all the girls complimented him on his personal flair. I think he sees himself as the Mick Jagger of this competition.
GINA: Or the Tim Curry. Listen folks, this is my third time doing this thing since my computer didn't save right the first two fucking times. I had a little Bryan Adams deal planned, but I'm sick of it. I just want this to be over. You aren't missing anything. It was a mediocre joke at best. And cheap. Very cheap.
GINA: Daphna looks like a prison bitch in a soft core pornography film. She's totally like, "Yeah, what the fuck are you staring at, ho? I've cut bitches for less. But you are pretty sexy. Come over here so we can passionlessly kiss and stare vacantly into the camera while making orgasm faces." That about sums it up for me.
CRYSTAL: My favorite part of this is in EM’s description and says that Daphna looks “iconic.” Yeah, iconic, I can see the striking resemblance to fashions icons like Grace Kelly and Katherine Hepburn. What exactly is iconic about a do-rag, a shirtless shirt, and leather pants with studs bedazzled on to make it look like an airport runway? EM really outdid herself in the crap department with this one.
GINA: I like her feather earrings. I can see her telling her fellow rockers some long-winded bullshit story about how she got these earrings from her Native American grandmother. Her dying wish was that Daphna become a famous singer. So she wears them in honor of her. Then as soon as she leaves everyone starts making fun of her because she is annoying and sucks. I suppose I should mention now that I never watched the reality shows so I don't know if any of my assumptions are true. That's the vibe I get off her earrings, is all. Also I should mention now that if you are offended by things like making up stories about people's dead grandmothers, then you should probably not read any further. The jokes only get worse from here down.
CRYSTAL: Well, as the loser who did watch the reality show, I can tell you this, everyone loved Daphna’s style. One chick told Daphna at her birthday party that she had the best fashion sense she had ever seen, and then I saw nods of agreement. These poor people are deranged and then EM swoops in and takes advantage of their weaknesses…and…sigh…you know how this story ends.
GINA: Jordis. Well...really...there's not too much to make fun of. This being almost entirely due to the fact that Jordis is the kind of girl that can pull stuff of that no other humans really could. She is the only person that got away with the fingerless elbow gloves, a fashion mistake that was repeated with almost every female contestant. This was the most beautiful she looked all season, the make up is just fantastic. You aren't going to get a lot from me by way of Jordis ridicule.
CRYSTAL: While I am not biased from ridiculing ANYONE on this show (including my favorites, like Jordis) even I have to admit, there’s really nothing wrong with this outfit. I adore black on rockers. It’s seriously the only color they should wear during a performance, for the most part. I also love velvet on rockers. She’s simple and pretty.
GINA: I'm not against ridiculing her on the whole, just not for this choice. Out of all the rockers, she had the least amount of looking embarrassingly stupid. There are only a couple of times when I cringed for her and I suspect that a certain Demon Stylist is to blame.
GINA: Mig is a paradox. Judging from the pictures alone he looks like frolicking rock-elf in a marching band jacket from the gayest high school in the existence of the world. However, on a personal level he is charming, affable, and highly likeable. I feel like an asshole if I really lay into him. So I say he barely escapes the depths of Steven Tyler meets Elton John hell to simply a diminutive elf-human in girl pants.
CRYSTAL: Gina, you are such a bleeding heart. I don’t even know where to start with this. First of all, is it just me, or does his chest look so hairless and shiny that he reminds you of a Ken doll in the most unattractive way possible? Maybe it’s just me. His jacket looks like a costume worn by a “Hello Dolly” chorus girl. And what is that thing hanging from his neck? Is it string? Is it metal? Is it jewelry? Personally, I think his jeans are the least of his problems…I hope his wife takes back control of his wardrobe once he makes it home. And here is a rule of thumb guys: if you already look like an elf, or maybe just someone who looks like you may have had a job in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, do not wear your hair so that it looks like all you’re missing is a pointy little hat with a fluffy ball on top.
GINA: I've heard the Ken doll comparison before. He'd be a Japanese Ken doll. He is the guy the main character has a crush on in a shoyo manga. In a pre-emptive answer, a shoyo manga is a Japanese comic book geared towards girls. When I see him all I can think is Tuxedo Mask, which is stupid because he's from a television show, not manga, doesn't wear a cape, top hat, mask, or tuxedo and doesn't have black hair. Ellie Mae really missed the boat with the whole cape thing. That was the only thing missing from her "MiG: Prancing Rocker from FarFarNeverAwayLand" collection.
CRYSTAL: You just said a whole lot of words I don’t understand. Are you reverting back to your people’s native tongue? And by native people, I mean Nerds.
Stay tuned for Week Two Part 2, which I will post later.
I followed a link from Snarkgasm and am extremely glad I did. Funny, funny. I'm definitely bookmarking and can't wait to see your continuations.
Posted by
Anonymous |
September 24, 2005 12:40 PM
Another snarkgasmer here. Great start to a great blog. Can't wait to see the rest!
Posted by
Jubileee |
September 24, 2005 3:14 PM
He was actually up for a roll in the Lord of The Rings...as a Hobbit
Posted by
Anonymous |
October 27, 2005 1:08 PM
Looking for information and found it at this great site... » » »
Posted by
Anonymous |
February 03, 2007 2:31 AM
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