Rock Star: A Fashion Tragedy

GINA: Okay folks, I was opening up the good old Rock Star official site to get the stuff for week four going when I noticed that the fashion page had a brand new feature. Ellie Mae's top ten looks. So I'm thinking that around week seven or eight we will throw in one or two of her favorites. At first I tried to resist temptation and let what she chose be a surprise, but I am weak. God, she sucks. I wish there was a better, more creative way to say that, but....I mean....there's no....the brown suit? She sucks people, plain and simple.

So yes, welcome back for week four. I will now do our little summing up thing where we explain what this is all about. Basically, we take the rocker fashion week by week and mock them. We will try to temper this by saying things like, "I swear I like this person" or "I kinda feel bad about this" and we will mean it. But we're not gonna stop anytime soon. We've been doing this for years and it has become a reflex. I don't think either of us are capable of watching television without making fun of it. Except The Office (BBC version). That shit was bomb.

Also, since I had someone email me and ask when we were going to update, (here’s the part where I pretend I wasn’t 500% flattered by that) I think we are looking about once every four days or so. Usually, one starts and the other replies the next day and so on. If we are diligent it takes four days. We can’t make any promises, but that’s when I would check. But feel free to email me and ask for an update again. It feeds my monsterous ego.



WEEK FOUR






GINA: So you know how last week I was all, "Based on this picture I wouldn't tell people JD was my favorite"? Well, I should learn to look ahead in these things and saved it for this week. JD has taken a misstep of Suzie proportions. Is it the see-through shirt? The cowboy boots? The artfully frayed jeans? The smarmy smirk? Which, I usually find the smarmy smirk attractive, but here he looks like Mischa Barton's boyfriend. The fattish, oily one? The clincher for me is the exposed chest complete with Guido gold chain. I am not at all aroused by this. In fact, I'm a little repulsed. He looks like a date rapist. Actually, sadly, he looks more like the singer of a nu-metal band or even worse, Nickleback. Thanks, Ellie Mae, for destroying the one thing that made me happy.

CRYSTAL: I now have a personal and very real vendetta against that bitch, Ellie Mae. I have declared a jihad. I will find her. I will hunt her down. And I will pierce her eyes out with sewing scissors for this atrocity against me. How could she do this to JD? How could she make a once perfect man so fallible? I swear I’ve seen a girl at a bar with that exact shirt on. And those jeans look like he pulled them out of the back of the car he was living in. It’s like she only wants him for herself so she tries to make him look as shitty as possible so no other woman will want him. Well, let me tell you, Ellie Mae, it won’t work! I’m still in love and not only because I am an empty, shallow person…I have like half our wedding planned now and there’s NO WAY I can get the deposit back on that cake. I may have to add a second jihad to Gina for calling him the lead singer of Nickleback. Low, Gina, very low.

GINA: My favorite part about this? That you think JD being the lead singer of Nickleback is worse than him being a date rapist. This is why we're friends.










GINA: Did I miss this week? Did he wear this jacket on the show? If so, why? Is this a Cross Colors jacket? I really think it is. EM said it was vintage, does 1992 count? I had a Cross Colors shirt once. It said "Stop the Violence", which is a bit hilarious since I was nine and lived in the suburbs. The only violence I had to worry about was unintentionally hurting myself while throwing a hissy fit. I see that MiG is in a bit of a no win situation with his hair. With it slicked back he looks like a Klingon. It's all in the eyebrows. He needs a Fu Manchu to go with that. It does de-elfify him, though. He looks handsome in a cologne ad sort of way. Is it not the strangest thing that he is thirty-five? I would guess 28 tops. What is your secret MiG? And I'm glad that the shirt has made a comeback.

CRYSTAL: I’m going to hate myself after this one. Oh, who am I kidding? I hate myself already. Mig, in case you ever see this (haha), I think you are a very cute guy. In the way that puppies are cute. But this is BY FAR the worst outfit I have ever seen on a man in my entire life. I blame it on EM, so please don’t take what I have to say to heart. What do white leather pants with a string “zipper” say to you? To me they say, “I have completely abandoned all hope of having even the slightest smidge of dignity.” White leather pants are the fashion equivalent of a gateway drug. One week you’re wearing white leather pants, the next week you’re selling your own CDs out of the back of your rented van in an alleyway between two buildings on the corners of Desperate and Pathetic St. So don’t say I didn’t warn you. I can’t get my head around that jacket. It is just so…FUGLY. I mean, what is that design? The colors remind me of something my mom would look at and say “oh, those are the colors we used to wear when I was young…” and then laugh as if that was an okay thing to do. Sigh. I guess I should be happy that he’s wearing a shirt under that jacket. Probably because he was afraid it would have sweat through and leave the design tattooed on his skin. Good thinking, Mig.

GINA: Not even David Lee Roth could have worn this and not looked horrible. But he wouldn't of have tried to. He would have worn the white leather drawstring pants with a v-neck lycra vest that was red and had gold sequined accents. And he would have pulled it off. The only reason he could get away with such outrageousness was because he was and is motherfucking crazy. MiG, you do not have that luxury. Since you aren't crazy, it makes everything look like a costume. I would have loved to have seen him in jeans and a scrungy t-shirt. I bet he would look great.

CRYSTAL: God bless you, David Lee Roth.









GINA: Does Ty love Jesus twice as much as everyone else? Where was the controversy about that? I find that much more offensive than when JD said he loved our band, INXS more than everyone. Aside from the double crosses and ladies jogging tank, he is dressed pretty okay. For Ty, at least. I like him much better when he is less flashy. Here I don't feel like I'm getting the flashing neon sign that says, "GAY GAY GAY LOOKATMEI'MGAY". I'm not against being free and open with your sexuality, but not to the point of distraction. (see JD's very first performance when he did American Woman for another example of that) Christ alive, you know he has practiced that broody/sensitive/pouty/with a touch of vulnerability face in the mirror for countless hours. He does that in between the times when he conducts fake interviews with himself. "Yes, I had a fantastic experience in the house. I collaborated with Suzie for her original song, Soul Life. Well actually...to be honest it wasn't much of a song until I got my hands on it. I love Suzie to death, but well.....she's more of a singer than a songwriter."

CRYSTAL: You know, when I watched the show I really never had too much of a problem with Ty. Sure he’s as gay as I am mean, but at the very least he was usually entertaining. And there was no way he was going to win so I never worried about that. Now, with only studying a picture of him for the last couple of weeks, my apathy has turned to hate. The first thing I want to do when I see him is say “Ugh, go away.” I once worked with a gay guy at the mall and our store was directly across from a furniture store and the manager over there was another gay guy. (The two were roommates. See, all gay guys DO know each other.) One day I was working with Chuck (worst gay name ever) and his friend from across the mall started sashaying across the hallway with big arm gestures flailing in the air, “oooohhhh laaaaadies…” he yelled. Once he got inside our empty store Chuck fumed, “Why you always gotta be such a fag??” That’s what I want to say to Ty. Ty, why you always gotta be such a fag?? Stop with the “fuck-me” eyes and open mouth taunt. I don’t think gay guys listen to INXS...you’re not going to get much more action out of this.

GINA: Thank you, I was trying to find a PC way of saying "Stop being such a fag" because people are sensitive. And rightly so, the gays get picked on more than they should, and I'd hate for anyone to think I was a gay hater. But I concur. Stop being such a fag, Ty. And you are right also on the point that on the show he wasn't half this bad. Before this blog I liked Ty, for what he was, meaning I would pay money to see him in the do a show in Vegas, or in a musical. I didn't like LOVE him or anything, but now he's like the backstabbing villainess in a soap opera to me. I imagine him changing the results of paternity tests or covering up a drunk driving accident that killed his worst enemy's daughter. I never thought that before. It does make him more interesting to me, but in a "I wonder what kind of evil shit he pulled in the house" sort of way rather than in a "Ty is awesome" manner.

CRYSTAL: Well, rest assured, you can always count on me to be PC.








GINA: Nice hair, dude. It doesn't make you look like a girl or anything. I suppose it's better than the stumpy ponytail he was sporting before. Maybe. I keep picturing him as a mail order bride from Russia. Can you imagine how disappointing that would be? You think you bought a 19 year old babe with questionable English, and instead you get someone that looks like she's seen the harsh end of the bread line since, oh, around the Mesolithic Era. Roughly. In another, perhaps more disturbing way, he is giving me Antonio Banderas vibes. I think it's the leather vest. Nothing says sweaty, alarmingly passionate, cheesy, Latin, heartthrob like a leather vest. I think Brandon is mad at me for typing that. He looks like he wants to beat me with a crudely designed club. Also, someone might want to advise him to either shave on a regular basis or grow in the beard fully, because it looks like he's got a big bald spot on his chin. I like to think of it as intentional. I wish more people shaved geometrical designs into their faces. Wait. Was this the week he wore the J.Lo hat? Why isn't he wearing it? I am going to be so pissed he didn't commerate that. Damn it.

CRYSTAL: Jesus. It is outfits like this that make me want to emotionally abuse someone. I think I’ll take it out on Brandon. I’m sure nobody will mind. I’ve been learning a lot about Neanderthals and Cro-magnons (modern human ancestors) in class lately. The anthropologists contend that the large faced, sloping browed Neanderthals have disappeared and that maybe they were bred-out into us homo sapiens. What would I say to that? Look at Brandon! This man has definite Neanderthal characteristics. He looks just like our ancestor the Neander-Biker: a rare, but intimidatingly bad dressing sub-species of Neanderthals. Look it up, it’s all true. My absolute favorite part about his outfit is that the he patch work down the inseam of his leg makes it seem like he peed his pants. Like, wouldn’t that be the direct path that urine would flow? And how would I know that? Television, of course. This outfit is seriously bad, but I think even EM must have hated it with the very succinct description, “Brandon wanted to wear black.” Wah hah. Brandon’s just pissing everyone off this week. Oh and Gina, that JLO hat is next week’s pleasure. No worries.

GINA: Thank God. I was worried there for a minute.







GINA: I love how Jordis has her arms thrown up as if to say, "I tired telling her this looked like a sheet with a hole cut in it, but the bitch wouldn't listen." Hey, Ellie Mae, would it kill you to take up her pants? What else are you doing? I would feel so much better if I found out EM was the producer's fuckup daughter. This would all make sense. Pin that shit if you have to, Ellie Mae! Quit being lazy! I think she made Jordis' necklace out of the fine, genuine, freshly snipped rat tails. Not in the literal sense but I think EM paid some hoosiers to cut off those little tiny braid they grow from the back of their short cut hair. Be careful, Jordis. You don't know where those have been. This shirt reminds me of the time I saw a man come into my old waitressing job wearing a towel as a shirt. No lie. He'd cut a hole in the middle and stuck his head through and wore it like a sideless poncho. God Bless the USA.

CRYSTAL: I think EM must have ransacked every horse barn in the tri-state area to find all these ugly leather belts she continues to inflict on the rockers and us. They are always studded, always five or six feet wide and never do a damn thing for the wearer except maybe accelerate the need for a hip replacement. What exactly was EM thinking with that shroud Jordis is wearing? The only compliment I can bestow this disaster is that it is the best way I can think of to cover up whatever figure Jordis might have. And you are right, that’s not much of a compliment. I think her face simply says “I feel stupid.”







GINA: Alright. It's time to retire the horns. The horns died once Jessica Simpson started throwing them. The horns no longer convey how rock and roll you are. They aren't even funny anymore. It's a shame, really. The horns did nothing but give and give, but alas, we are only human beings being human and we pushed it too far. I think she might be a part time superhero, judging from her complicated utility belt. Which upon closer inspection is one of those fringe-ended tied belts, but from far away looks like a pouch. Harnessing her abilities through the awesome power of the horns, she vanquishes evildoers with her anchorsawayarang. I do like how she is trying to look "tough girl". Jessica, let's not pretend. You aren't tough. You're nice. You don't get into fights. Is that your gimmick? Scary, poor girl? I would work on that. You deserve better.

CRYSTAL: Well the Poor Girl has outdone herself yet again. She is once again so skanky I swear to everything holy I can smell her through my laptop. You know you have done something wrong when even EM tells you you’re a “little over the top.” So has everyone watched the video titled something like “What the Rockers are doing now?” Or am I the only loser? Well, my fav-o-rite part is Jessica’s. Jessica actually admitted that she is now WORKING IN CONSTRUCTION. I laughed for about two straight minutes because I feed off people’s failures. I get most of my material from it, obviously. How perfect does she look for construction? I think it’s amazing how a profession can match a person’s persona so often. I am a hardworking pushover so I gophered for a Title company for over a year, practically for free, Gina is a lazy person addicted to comfort so she tears paper apart for a paycheck, Jessica is poor white trash so she is a construction worker. Correction, she’s a construction worker with a fuchsia bra. The saddest thing I can think about this whole situation is I really believe that Jessica thinks of herself as a real rocker chick.

GINA: Hey, I like being lazy and comfortable. It's a good life. You don't get much done, but who needs stuff like "accomplishments"? Take for example, this blog. After we're done with it I'm not going to write anything for a year. Already, I'm spent from this shit. In fact, I'm just gonna take a four hour long break before I finish the rest of this. Thinking is hard.

CRYSTAL: True that.









GINA: Deanna looks great. I don't like the vest, but I'm not going to nitpick because she is fabulous tonight. Interesting how simple hair and makeup took about 5 years off her age. So....there's not really a lot to say when they look good. Especially when its Deanna, who has had quite a few bad weeks. Bravo hair and makeup team. I am going to let her enjoy her moment of glory. Of note is the fact that EM noted, "She [Deanna] simply wanted it to be all about her voice and understate her look.". You know she wasn't happy about that. EM pouted the whole week and gave Deanna the silent treatment. Which Deanna was grateful for.

CRYSTAL: Well, I’m going to nitpik. I think Deanna looks like Jessica’s poor-white, yet still young enough (in her head) to hang with her daughter’s friend’s, trashy mother. That vest is so god-awful it sprang to mind a stripper my step-mother helped dress with a very similar leather vest when my step-mom was selling leathers. (Yeah, I know how that sounds.) It was a kid’s vest, but my step-mom knew she’d want it because, lets face it, strippers aren’t known for their fashion sensibility. I also dislike straight cut jeans when they are longer than the shoe. I am not going to get into the strategically placed holes. It’s unfortunate that Deanna dresses like this. She has a great figure but she just always looks like they plucked her out of a bar-band with a huge banner overhead declaring “Ladies: $1 bottlenecks every Wednesday Night!”

GINA: She looks so good in the face that I don't care. I'm just happy for her.









GINA: Where are Suzie's hands? That's just a bad idea for a picture. It's pretty subversive. I wonder if this is EM's attempt at art. Well, you see, I wanted to express my fear of being handless. I use them for my work, you know, for handing over credit cards and flipping through racks. I'd say my hands are the most valued asset. I used this piece to conquer that fear. Now if I lose my hands I won't be afraid. I can always have my intern do the flipping and point of sales transactions. As far as everything else Suzie looks good. This is so fucked up. All of the good are bad and the bad are good. I wonder if they all decided to dress each other this week. Deanna got JD and Jordis got Suzie. Ah, rationalization, you always make everything better.

CRYSTAL: This costume is alright on Suzie. Burn the jacket and I would probably even wear it. I even like the necklace. (I think somewhere stars are falling out of the sky and the earth is rotating off its axis.) But, there is an overall problem with Suzie as a person. She has no personal style, either in her singing or with her clothes. She doesn’t know who she is and so how are we supposed to like her and her style? Her personality, or lack thereof, is annoying and I think the outfit, while it’s alright, just drives home the fact that Suzie is blank. By that, I don’t mean she’s a blank canvas, something to work with…I mean she is a hollow excuse for a human. She has nothing to really offer. And quite frankly, if I can’t make some sort of joke about the way Suzie looks, she is useless to me.









GINA: Now, I can't decide if Marty is a clever, fashion conscious, bastard or a goofball. I'm leaning the former. I can't help but notice that his pants are just a schooch too short. But, if he went shoeless, he would avoid the land of highwaters. I think we all know that EM would have no issue with slapping a pair of three inch thick combat boots on him, so I'm giving this one to Marty. Well done. I never in a million years thought that doing this blog would make me like Marty better, but it has. The man is a fine dresser. I think that he most likely picks out what he wants to wear himself since he has retained an individual style since the beginning of the show. Except for the tee and tie week. I'm blaming EM for that one.

CRYSTAL: Yeah, I like Marty’s whole style. I am not a fan of the shoeless look and the Wicked Witch of the West socks, but it works for that tall, lanky bitch. Marty really works with subtle and unique looks and he is the antithesis of Suzie who has no clue who she is or what she is doing. Marty is comfortable with himself and his clothes actually reflect this. I know it’s pretty early in the fashion lineup but I think I would vote Marty the best dressed. Or the best “I don’t listen to that country whore Ellie Mae to tell me what accessories look best with my pant” look. Either one carries the same amount of prestige.

GINA: I'd really like to talk to him about EM one day. I bet he would make fun of her with us.








GINA: Tara again has fallen victim to the white hot wrath of EM. She's the gothiest soccer mom ever. I'm glad that's she's moved away from the bar floozie persona. Pinstripes call for a simple, solid colored top so that you don't get nauseous from looking at a kaleidoscope of pattern, and this leather sheath doesn't flow with it at all. Maybe I'm losing my fire, but Brandon and JD aside, this has been a frustrating week. She doesn't look bad, really. But not good. There is lots of clashing, but not in a funny way. Tara, you used to be such a wellspring of comedic material.

CRYSTAL: I first want to congratulate Tara for dying all that purple slop out of her locks. Her hands were probably sore from everyone slapping them due to that gross misstep. The two items (the top and the pant) are good. I like wide leg pants and I like pin stripes. I like the leather boostier, and while I’m not all that impressed with her use of the fleur-de-lis print, I think the leather is pretty R&R. I do not, however, like the two pieces together. Gina is dead on with the matronly look. She must have a bard of kids towed away somewhere. I say these things but I don’t really know what she could do to help herself. Not to be cruel, but, I think she is beyond the age of “making it” in the music business. Not everyone can be Sheryl Crow. Not that’s necessarily a bad thing. We could deal with a lot less Sheryl Crow in the world. What I mean by that is that the music loving public is not going to embrace too many women over thirty to be the next big thing. Therefore, there’s really not a good model to follow as far as fashion is concerned. Tara and Deanna have to forge ahead on their own with only the help of that hateful b-otch EM for help. I don’t know where they should be in terms of their fashion, but this ain’t it.

GINA: Actually, Tara was in a band called Joydrop, who were pretty big in Canada and had a following here. I think they had one here, anyway. So she has "made" it, or tasted the sweet nectar of success, or whatever you want to call it. Just thought I'd throw that out there. She would look a million times better in a plain plack trouser and a tank top. I just....she's pissing me off because I can't think of any jokes. I'm sorry folks, I know you're here for the ha-ha, but....shit....I quit.

CRYSTAL: Who cares about Canada! Listen folks, alls good for them up there but seriously, no one in the entertainment business, no matter what field and no matter what country they come from, will ever admit to having “made it” until they have conquered the deceptively bad taste of Americans. That’s just the God given truth. No offense about the Canadian bashing. She would look better in plain clothes…or just well tailored pants and jackets. We’ll never know now, cause I guarantee, no one in America is ever gonna see her again.








GINA: I know on the internet message boards (hello snarkgasm!) Brooke is known as Bwak Bwak and they couldn't have put her in a better dress. She looks like she's doing the big dance number in the state beauty pageant and she represents the bald eagle that flies with pride for America. Ellie Mae was in the same pageant, but she had to be the Great Depression. She wore Jordis' outfit. That was where the seeds of resentment were sewn. Begrudgingly, I will say she pulls it off. I want her necklace.

CRYSTAL: I love the clueless smiles that Brooke always has spread across her face. I honestly mean that. I’ll bet in real life she’s a super sweet person to be around. So trusting and helpful. The bestest friend you could ever have. That’s why I hate Ellie Mae. I think of Brooke as a friend and I don’t like to see bullies messing with my friends. This dress has so many things wrong with it I don’t even want to look at it. It is a giant eyesore. The color is all wrong for her skin tone, the pattern is indecipherable. The long sleeves are just uck. It is so ass-backwards in everything fashion forward and I feel like EM has gone from subtle manipulation to straight up forcing Brooke to wear this shit. Brooke, please, give me a ring. I could help you in so many ways.

GINA: Dude, I like her dress in comparison with all the other wastes of fabric and child labor she wore this summer. She wears it well. I....maybe EM is breaking me. It's only week four and already my spirit has been crushed.

CRYSTAL: Gina, you need to suck it up. We have many more weeks to go and you cannot rest and possibly say that this black hole of fashion is good, even in comparison. I want you to take a rest and remember why you hate EM. I think it will help you.








GINA: You know what the last thing I wanted to see was? Dave Navarro's ball-crease. I guess wishes don't come true. He has perfect hair. Not one flyaway. I usually get mad when good hair is wasted on men, but I know Dave appreciates it. More than I ever could. More than anyone ever could. I think he and Jessica are wearing the same pants. No shit. Scroll back up and take a look at her. Wow, was that an accident? Or are they BFF and wore matching pants to the taping?

CRYSTAL: Dave does appreciate that hair. More than any man ever should. I am tired of that Jason Preistly hair cut though. Come on, Carmen, tell him. And what is with “rockers” and crosses? When did these music mongers take probably the most religious symbol in the world and declare it their own? Was I asleep for a few years? It has the distinct flavor of when the nazi’s took the swastika as their symbol of hate when it was previously used the symbol for good things like strength and good luck. Okay, maybe I’m stretching that a bit. But seriously…Ozzie Osborne’s house comes to mind. What is up with all those crosses? It’s getting kinda ridiculous. If one rawker could give me a good reason why they do it and what it symbolizes then maybe I could let it go…I have a feeling they would just say “‘Cause its cool, bro.” I’ll get in to the usage of the word “bro” and “brother” by white rockers some other time.

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae on Monday, October 03, 2005 at 3:18 PM | Permalink