Rock Star: A Fashion Tragedy

CRYSTAL: Week Five and stayin’ alive. Okay, yes, I’m embarrassed by what I just said. Rhyming is rarely funny. I apologize. I just can’t believe we’ve made it so far! For two people who regularly half ass things, I think we’ve cashed in on our fair share of tenacity. Hopefully we can keep up the momentum. Moreover, I feel a tremendous amount of burden lifting from my shoulders every week. It’s like the best charity work job ever… I have always been told that if I gave of myself then I would get the best rewards. I knew I could find a higher calling and help others who are less fortunate if I really put my nose to the grindstone. And, of course, I feel like we’ve really helped people the last few weeks…well…us. We’ve helped ourselves. Frankly, that’s good enough for me.



WEEK FIVE





CRYSTAL: Alright, I figured out what you’re doing Brandon. I get it already. You’re a douche bag from MICHIGAN pretending to be a SOUTHERN rocker. Since there was no ideological brand of music from the particular part of Michigan that you’re from you have decided to steal another geographical area’s music. You’re pretending that you were personally trained at Lynard Skynard Academy and were best friends with classmates like the Robinson brothers and Chris Thomas King. You have fabricated an entire second (superior) life in your mind and now we all have to suffer for it. Your fake life includes the time you scored a big record contract and toured the world singing your own brand of I’m-a-white-man-from-Michigan-who-feels-like-my-spirit’s-in-the-South, man-blues. I hear you, brother, I’m just tuning you out. Like the rest of the world. I am going to surprise everyone by saying I do not hate what Brandon is wearing. I have seen this look many times before and have liked it, even the strategically placed bandana…what I’m upset about is that Brandon is ripping off poor, old Willie Nelson. Haven’t you stolen enough, Brandon? Do you have to take the one thing Willie still has after the IRS repo man took him for everything? You are a sad, sloping browed man, Brandon. One thing though, even Willie has enough brain cells left not to wear that hat…but I’m leaving the hat for Gina.

Oh side note: the night I wrote this I was flipping through my best friend, the TV, and saw that they were playing Encino Man on TBS. So perfect.

GINA: I hate this computer so much. I swear to fucking Christ that I saved this thing. And now I have to go back and do it all over again. AGAIN. This computer is a worthless piece of shit. This has seriously happened like, three times. I guess I shouldn’t be doing this at work, but come fucking on. Anyway…here’s what I remember.

Really? Do you need me to say anything? Sometimes you can ruin a joke by overdoing it. Brandon is doing a fine job of mocking himself. It seems almost cruel to rag on him for it. Luckily, I don’t really have a heart, so mock him I shall. He looks like a scarecrow. A big, southern fried, bandana tied, jean vest wearing, idiot. And Crystal, you are never allowed to make fun of me for anything ever again after admitting that you “don’t hate” his attire. The topper for me is the hat. Brandon, take a look at yourself. You’re wearing bell bottoms with fabric panels sewn in, a jean vest, cowboy boots, two necklaces, a button-up undershirt, one gigantor ring, a gauntlet, and you have a goddamn bandana tied around your knee. Is the hat necessary? Does it tie the outfit together? No. The hat makes you look like a new character on Sesame Street. You’re a sad, unemployed, vagrant rocker who leads sing-alongs of children’s classics, such as, “Don’t Kick the Homeless Man” and “You’d End Up This Way, Too, If You Saw What I Saw in ‘Nam”.

CRYSTAL: ALLS I was trying to say was that on the right person, I don’t judge this outfit…like Willie or Chris Robinson. They can wear that outfit, sans hat, and it would be alright, because it fits. I’ll bet you anything that if Bo Bice wore this on Idol last year, you would have thought it was acceptable. Admit it. Also, I knew that comment was going to piss you off…that’s a big reason why I made it.

GINA: No way. No fucking way. I would have made fun of Bo hardcore for this. I like the Black Crowes okay as long as it's not Hard to Handle. If anyone is gonna pull this kind of crap off, it's Chris Robinson, but in NO WAY is it acceptable. Never. Ever.









CRYSTAL: Holy Lord, she’s got some big ‘ol cans! I mean, look at those boobs! You’d think Deanna would knock herself out nightly whilst trolliping all over the stage, doing the worst drunken Janis Joplin impression I’ve ever seen. It’s like when she covers them all up they look even bigger. I’m feeling quite inadequate right now. I imagine this is how guys feel once they watch porn with their girlfriends for the first time. Like “oh god, I think I’ve made a mistake suggesting this” type of feeling. I don’t have a boyfriend (surprise!), but if I did, I don’t think I’d want him to be ogling over some forty year old leftover flowerchild with giant jugs. I’d have to keep him away from RS:INXS until she got voted off. Anyway, I digress. I don’t know how I feel about this costume. On one hand, I remember when I saw her on TV wearing this and I thought, “finally! She looks halfway decent. I mean, sure she keeps holding herself like she has a problem down there, but at least her gross hair is pulled back from her face.” But, on the other hand, the picture makes her look like the big, blonde madam of a Twenty-Second Century Asian inspired brothel. And personally, if I were going to be the mistress of the bitches, red would be my color of choice not that ugly silver.

GINA: I do not understand why she is wearing black tapered jeans underneath a sleek and form fitting top. I get that the slit is extreme and requires an undergarment, but I would have used those fabric panels they have laying around for Brandon’s jeans and sewn it into the slit. Then you would have a very pretty Asian-style dress. And you wouldn’t be confusing me with 1987 Mom jeans. You know, I love Asian inspired clothes and home décor, but I feel like I can’t get away with it because I’m kind of Asian. My mom is adopted so we’re big heathens when it comes to stuff like “knowing the culture of your motherland”. I feel like an imposter, like I’m trying to show off my ethnicity while actually knowing little to nothing about my Korean roots. Do any of you other Yellow Americans feel the same? Is it just me?

CRYSTAL: I’ll ask my other asian inspired-buddy and let you know!








CRYSTAL: I want to thank JD this week. It has been so long since I’ve had a big crush. He makes me want to dance around my room to ABBA in my old prom dress. He makes me want to eat that apple for dessert instead of the pint of Hagan Daas in the freezer. I mean, like the whole pint. He makes me want to compare every guy I run into to him…This has possibly gone from funny to sad in a split second. Sometimes it’s hard to judge where the line is. JD looks so incredible in this picture. He is strong and dark and I love that he knows he’s good looking enough to shave off his hair and have women still want him. Although, I’m sure if I asked him, he would just give me some bullshit about how it’s “not about looks” and he doesn’t “conform to any style.” Then I would inevitably start a smart-assed, condescending argument about how full of shit he is and that I can’t believe I was even having this conversation with him because we both know the hair thing is methodically thought out. But the argument is completely unnecessary because every time he smiles he makes me want to have his sparkly eyed, stretchy legged babies. God, he is so passive aggressive and its so totally hot.

GINA: I marvel at his ability to utilize the “sexy stare” in an affective manner. I’m usually the first person in line to laugh at overt sexual mugging, but on JD it works. It like he’s looking right through me with his beautiful and intense stare. I would have ditched the necklace and put him in a simple, solid colored tee, but wow……so pretty. I’m glad that I haven’t moved on to JD marriage fantasies, but it’s been a conscious decision. It’s hard to keep things in the realm of “I would very much enjoy sexual intercourse with you” when you read interviews with him and he’s being all sarcastic and funny. So I now avoid all JD interviews, videos, and anything else where he is being awesome. I’m obsessed enough with this dumb show and stupid band. I don’t need JD marriage and baby fantasies to make it worse. I totally understand where you are coming from, Crystal, but I hope that it doesn’t happen to me.

CRYSTAL: GINA! Stop public-shaming me…I do fine all on my own. Personally, I like having crushes on guys I can never have because, frankly, there is no chance of making an ass of myself….oh god, excuse me folks, I’m just going to tattoo a big L on my forehead.

GINA: Dude, I am not shaming you. I have been there. I have these same fantasies about Trey Parker. I really do. I want to marry him and have his babies. For serious.










CRYSTAL: Is EM being more and more nasty in her descriptions or is it just me…this week her quote for Jessica is “she is sexy without having to try so much.” If I didn’t hate her, I might actually be friends with her. I feel like her power is slipping away with some of the rockers and that’s why the hateful hag has resorted to being just straight up bitch-a-roonie-doonie. (Thank you, Eric Foreman) I’m almost speechless. Jessica is following my first rule for a rocker—wear black. Always wear black. She also almost covered herself up this week. Wow. She has only one visible accessory…WTF? Her hair is soft and pretty…kinda un-R&R but I’m not fussing about that when the girl’s not wearing a tube top…why it’s almost like you can take the trash out of the trailer park! That’s a new one to me. Hope this doesn’t become a habit, Jessica…I don’t want you to consider yourself as good as me or anything.

GINA: I’m not crazy about her Batman vest, but, at this point, I feel like Jessica should be graded on a different scale. The scale of “Does She Look Like She’s on Welfare?” And this week, surprisingly, she doesn’t. I would even wear her pants in public. Wow, I can’t believe I typed that. She’s still trying to look tough. I guess that’s her interpretation of what rock and roll is. Whatever.

CRYSTAL: How much longer till she gets booted? ‘Cause I don’t have anymore poor girl jokes right now and I really don’t think she’s worth the hard thinking that comes from writing critiques.

GINA: I believe we say our final goodbyes to Brandon this post, and then Jessica the next. She has exhausted herself and her gimmick. I can't wait for next week to be over.








CRYSTAL: Those are the biggest motherfucking kulots I’ve seen in my entire life. Is that even how you spell kulots? I don’t freaking know…I don’t wear kulots. Ah, Jordis, come on…I see the night playing out perfectly in my mind’s eye. I imagine after Ellie Mae scooted her off, Jordis immediately asked the other rockers in the dressing room if she looked alright, they smiled, avoided eye contact and told her she looked really “interesting.” That is the quintessential answer when you don’t want to tell the truth. I know that because that is the exact answer I get from my mom when she doesn’t like something I’m wearing. (I usually don’t ask, she volunteers.) Then I imagine when she asked Suzie, the only girl she trusts for some reason, if those kulots made her ass look big, Suzie answered with “Do you think I should wear my hair like this…or this, because I think the rooster look is so in right now.” Leaving poor Jordis to wear this mess. I almost kind of like the top if it wasn’t for the stocking garter things. It makes it look like she forgot something. Like her humility. The worst thing is that, for the first time, she looks comfortable in the picture. Why would she wait until this outfit to be comfortable in front of the camera? She should be hiding her face as though she was just caught in the audience at a Blue Collar TV show. Stupid, Ellie Mae, giving false confidence to the weakest of egos.

GINA: I’m going to say something, but I need to disclaimer it first. JORDIS IS NOT FAT. SHE IS NOT KIND OF FAT. SHE IS NOT TUBBY, PUDGY, CHUNKY or JOLLY. This thing she is wearing, though? Makes her look huuuuuuge. Where did her waist go? She has one, I've seen it before. See, Jordis and I have the same body type, which is short but with boobs and an ass. Short waisted, short legged, short armed. If you cut her off at every opportunity, i.e the shawl, the culottes, the corset, the choker and don't create any lines you are going to make her look fat and squat. So here's the thing Ellie Mae. If you are going to put her in a corset, give her a waist and take off the shawl because she needs to make her arms look longer to compensate for the line you lose from the middle. Taking off the bracelets would help with that, too. If you are going to put her in big, shapeless culottes, then let's see a little ankle, to remind us that, indeed, she is the proud owner of two working legs. I'm taking this one a little personally. There is no reason for Jordis to look like a chubby midget. She's not.

CRYSTAL: Ugh, the chubby midget look is the worst… is that how you spell “culottes” and furthermore, how do you know how to spell it??

GINA: I googled it. I'm awesome.








CRYSTAL: Besides the frightening look on his face, Marty again looks man-fab. I love it when guys wear Converse sneakers with something a little more dressy. Just as long as everything is ironed and cleaned. His jacket makes him look even more lengthy and the stitching is way perfect. One thing that should make Gina happy is that jacket could in no way can make for an accidental man-midriff. You know something? Marty would make a great guy friend. I don’t know why I’m throwing that in here but I really don’t have anything else to talk about with his fashion and it just popped into my head. He would be the guy who stayed sober so he can drive your drunk ass home when you guys left the bar. He would go to some lame ass girl movie with you. He would be heartbroken when you marry some other guy. Wait…shit. Back to sad. I have to stop rambling.

GINA: Converse sneakers always remind me of a certain someone's (an old and dear friend of both of ours) ex boyfriend. He wore them to Prom and was very proud of himself. Crystal, you will remember him, his name rhymes with Handy Flockman? Anyway, there is a point to my bringing this up. See, Handy thought he was pretty R'nR, but he was more like this nice, Catholic, sanitized, socially acceptable brand of suburban indie kid/student council president (which he wasn't but fit the type) and though I liked him, I loved fucking with him. I told him that the Promise Ring were awesome. That Rainer Maria (the band, not the poet) were the best thing since sliced bread. That US Maple were the next big thing. Bascially, I lied to him and told him that shitty bands were great. Then I would laugh internally as he told me how awesome they were. See? This whole being mean thing is nothing new to me. In my defense, he ripped me off all the time and it irritated me. So. Point being, Converse sneakers with suits is always a bit poseur to me. I don't like this. He looks like Jack Skellington. The white slash against the shoulder is giving his jacket a Michael Jackson para-military vibe that is decidedly unpleasant.

CRYSTAL: Well, thanks a lot, Gina. Thanks for completely ruining the converse sneaker look for me. It always reminded me of Colin Quinn and now you’ve fucked that all up. Now when Marty comes to my wedding…he’ll have to wear normal shoes. Stupid Handy.

GINA: I'm sorry I keep ruining your life.








CRYSTAL: I remember this jacket and scarf combo because this was the first time I saw MiG. I did not start watching this show until this particular week. I couldn’t believe it when I saw him. I thought “who is this well singing, weirdly shaped, elvin pixie? And why on earth does he want to be in INXS? And more importantly WHAT IS HE WEARING?” I hate all of MiG’s pants. They always go way too far down, they are always two sizes too small, and they make me envision disturbing things like groinal man-waxing and no underwear. I’m almost sure they don’t make thongs for men, so I know MiG hasn’t worn a pair of underwear since he stepped foot in America. EM probably told him that in America, men don’t wear underwear because they believe it makes them sterile. I think I would like the jacket on its own. But, who the hell knows, I see hair ripping from balls right now…I must stop looking at MiG.

GINA: Christ on a crutch. Did Ellie Mae never see Austin Powers? I find that hard to believe. Why has she put him in striped pants and pointy shoes? Fuck. This picture is creeping me out. I don't like the whole schoolgirl sex kitten vibe I'm getting from him. If that wasn't bad enough, EM just had to mention that the belt he is wearing was orginally featured in the Madonna "SEX" book. Great. I could have done without that. It makes it so much worse.

CRYSTAL: …okay, eww…I hope that belt was sanitized before he put it on. I’d wear surgical gloves if I ever had to touch it. Who knows what you could catch from that? Between that belt and ball hair I swear I’m gonna barf.

GINA: Coquetteish does not become him. I feel so dirty and not in a good way.








CRYSTAL: Magenta Fingerless gloves? [check]. Ugly colored, ill fitting jacket? [check]. Ginormous bell shaped pants? [check]. An unflattering hairstyles to fit your long face accompanied with a laughable dye job? [check and check] All ready, Suzie, IT’S SHOWTIME!----love, EM

GINA: I know she's from Canada and everything, and from what I understand it gets pretty goddamn cold there, but soemone needs to tell Suzie that in LA it is always toasty and warm. I wonder if everyone told her that it was really cold outside, just to mess with her. And she was all, "You guys! Really? Is it really 4 degrees outside?" and they were all, "Dude, I swear. It's some freak weather thing. I'd bundle up if I were you." and she said "It's the middle of August in Los Angeles, are you serious?" and they said, "Yes. I swear." and she believed them because she is gullible like that. I love people like Suzie.

CRYSTAL: I’ll bet she’d be just as fun as Handy. You could probably tell her anything like “no, no, black stripes through your hair look super awesome, “ or “oh guess what, Suzie, you’re pregnant.” Or “hey, Suzie you know what? The doctor called and said that if you don’t stop singing there’s a chance you’ll die.” And then when she starts crying because she believes it, you can laugh and say… “yeah, so you better quit.”

GINA: Dude, do you remember a girl who's name rhymes with Blara D'Sandwhich? Probably not, but she was the most gullible person I have ever met. We told her that Jurassic Park was based on a true story and she didn't question us. She asked what all the hubub about the OJ Simpson case was (five years after the fact, mind you) and we told her that the NFL wanted to take away his Superbowl rings because he scored too many touchdowns. Her response? "Good, I always wondered what that was all about and now I'll understand when people talk about it." Uhhh....she wasn't the brightest girl in the world, either, but she was funny. Uninitentionally so, but she was nice and I gen-u-whine-ly liked her. For more than the entertainment value.









CRYSTAL: I don’t want to make a whole gay parade out of it but I’d like to congratulate Ty on the down to earth outfit he’s sporting this week. I’m sure he’ll come back to disappoint me next week but, yay, black with a great jacket and he’s not making some ick face trying to seduce me. Cause, I’m not going for it Ty…no matter what kind of attraction I have to other gay men, you just don’t do it for me, sorry. You know why he’ll disappoint me next week? That beadwork around his jacket and the dogtags. I learned a new word this week. The word is “neophilia” and it’s defined as the love of novelty. Researchers have developed entire social theories on this word. I don’t know about all that but what I do know is that Ty is the biggest neophiliac this side of that country bumpkin Ellie Mae. He is as obsessed with pomp and zazz as I am with tearing people down…he is addicted and next week, he’ll fail me no more.

GINA: Ty is feeling guilty because this week in the house he buried JD alive, kidnapped Jordis, fell in love with Dave and left him for his (Dave's) brother, blackmailed Marty, and accidentally strangled Suzie's pet guinea pig. They took this photo just as he came back from the funeral. It's been a really exhausting week for him. Also, the last thing the world needs is chestlaces, so let's can that, m'kay?

CRYSTAL: I’m glad he strangled that guinea pig. She let it run around out of its cage and it pissed all over everything.








CRYSTAL: This week I want to do those sweet TV darlings Brooke Burke and Dave Navarro together. Aren’t they adorable, folks? They look like the King and Queen of hell’s revival of GREASE 2005…the whole gang’s back to sing shittier songs and their more leathered up than an S&M party. Together they’re “fashion sense” is as scary as Danny Bonaduce…which I personally believe is saying a lot. —okay when I just went into the kitchen to find a snack, I opened the cabinet and an open bag of fettuccine noodles fell all over me, I think I should stop now. Payback is a bitch and frankly I can so dish it out much more than I can take it. So I’m done. Thanks.

GINA: Either Brooke is like waaaaay short or they've Photoshopped the hell out of this to make Dave look taller. The girl is wearing stilletto boots, folks, and The Pocket Prince of Darkness (tm TWoP RS message boards) is little. Or they've pulled a photographer's trick that I am ignorant of because I know next to nothing about photography. Ellie Mae is stupid. For real. I would bet money the reason she put Brooke in that leather testament to bad taste is because she made her wear bloomies with beads hanging off them. She thought that she would compensate the naked bottom half with a modest upper half. Wrong yet again, Ellie Mae. If you are going to make her look like a Vegas showgirl then do it. Balls out. You put her in a slinky black camisole and show it off. That's just like her, to think that by contrasting the two extremes, it makes it okay. I hate EM. I really do.

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae on Wednesday, October 05, 2005 at 10:35 PM | Permalink