In a desperate attempt to keep the readers we have and perhaps have some of the new ones come back, I decided to stop punking around and do the next post.
So, Welcome Back!
I skimmed through an article by the new fashion stylist of Rockstar a couple weeks back. This man, who is not important enough to have his own little bio like our favorite fashion mavin, Ellie Mae, wrote that he is the one helping the rockers overcome styling obsticals such as 1. how many bracelets is deemed "too much?" Answer: no such thing. Or 2. can a faux hawk make my face skinnier? Answer: Always! The most interesting part of the article was the statement that, and this is not verbatim because I can't find the article again, said that he helps the rockers pick and chose the look that suits them best, but since they are
Rawkers, they can tell him to shove it. It's hard here to tell who's look we're witnessing it is.
So we'll let you guys decide. Do you think these looks are the stylist's makings? or did the rockers tell him to
shove it?
ZAYRA
CRYSTAL: Look at this bitch WORKING that spacey blue catsuit! How many people in the world have the confidence and eligance to wear this costume with success? I'm gonna say two and only because I am too lazy to think outside of that. Although Zayra committed a Cardinal Sin this week of singing a Blondie song and NOT ripping it to shreads, I am still feeling the vibe of a total Hot Ass Girl. This is the kind of confidence that I had wished so much for Jordis last season. The sad thing here is that if Jordis and Zayra were both up for the same recording contract, but it could only be given to one, I think most record execs would chose Zayra even though she sings like my obliviously tone deaf mother (who sings to bacon in grocery stores, umm, no joke). That's what a little confidence does, guys, it gets us all recording contracts.
GINA: Mark this under another Rock Star: Lesson Learned. The next time I accidentially watch MTV and I see some no talent asshole dancing it up on the big screen, and I think to myself,
How the fuck did this happen? and contemplate suicide, I won't even bother with the getting a knife and sobbing for twenty minutes. I now know. It is caused by shallow people, easily hooked by a confident demeanor, much like Crystal and myself, in positions of authority. Because, and
I swear this to you, if I were a record exec, I'd be on the phone with her people yesterday. It doesn't matter if you can't sing. Allow me to prove it to you. Crystal said that only two people could look good in this spacesuit. The other person is Madonna. Who is really good a lot of things like being cool and dancing. But we all know she can't sing. See? I can only echo Crystal when I say,
Seriously, guys. Look at that bitch WORK IT.
TOBY
CRYSTAL: Toby's face is priceless. I have never seen anyone look more scared to have his picture taken. He probably heard from one of those aboriginals they have Down Under that a camera steals your soul and he got all paranoid with all the weed and 'ludes he's been taking. Toby's awesome...I'll bet he is so much fun to fuck with. Hey, he may be the answer to a male version of Suzie McCrybaby.
GINA: Crystal and I were discussing how much better we like it when the rockers pose for the photos, rather than it being shots of the performance show. At first I thought it was because you could see the whole outfit in all it's badness. But after seeing this, I am convinced it's because this whole photo shoot thing makes some of the rockers really uncomfortable and helps us to shape their fake personalities. On this day, for instance, Phil came up to him right before the shoot and was like, "Dude, I've got kind buds and a bong, let's get ripping". So they did, and right when they took that picture Phil was telling him all kinds of science shit and Toby's mind is, like,
blown.
PATRICE
CRYSTAL: According to whichever mentally challenged person, who is apparently as blind as he is retarded, is writing the dead on blurbs by the rocker's pics Patrice is described as "making a statement." I think Patrice's needs to forget about making a statement and concentrate on the fact that she should consider herself lucky that someone so unimaginably lame has made it on television for the fourth week in a row. I think its time to head it on home and get a new tatoo to mark the event that "
like, totally, changed my life and really made me who I am as an artist and a person." The tat will probably be something inspirational like a microphone with a rose around it. So, lets look at this debacle she's wearing. The fact that she shoplifted those pants and boots in the juniors section of Macy's, where everyday is a Rock 'n Roll day, pales in comparision to my opinion that she skinned an Ewok to get that jacket. And those little guys are probably endangered animals as it is...not cool, Patrice.
GINA: Hey, look everybody, It's Amelia Dorkhart! Patrice must be so secretly bitchy because people made fun of her clothes when she was growing up. This disaster of a woman has no fashion sense whatsoever. I know I've said that before, but I really mean it this time. This reminds me of Jenny Jones and how she would have those makeover shows and they'd have the person who brought the bad dresser on the show get a reverse makeover to show the other person how dumb or slutty they looked? Patrice is totally that Mom. She just wants her little girl to wipe that black crap off her face and start wearing cute things and be a normal girl, dammit.
LUKAS
CRYSTAL: Lukas looks like a rooster in this picture with his hair sticking up and chest jutting out and his feet far behind his body. He was probably trying to intimidate the other rockers showing them that he is the Cock of this Roost and it is he who is going to scare all the other boys away. He hasn't strayed from the old standard of black pants and white jacket, knowing oh so well, that it works for him. I'm sick of those rosaries though. Lukas, when the nun hands them to you, she wants you to say your Hail Mary's not wear them while singing about White Weddings and getting laid. Where's your mother to smack the back of your head?
GINA: I hate Lukas, everyone who will listen knows that, but I am going to give props to the modern-day dandy look that he wears so well. I would also take the rosariers and force them down his mugging, snotty, piehole, but it's not as annoying as it could be. You know, this season of the show is so horrible that I can't even get worked up about the people I hate. That's when you know you just don't care at all.
JOSH
CRYSTAL: Josh in his old standby of pajama bottoms, mismatched shirts, and big assed goofy smile make me want to put a pipe bomb under his pillow at night...just so I can sleep. Josh looks like someone poked him in the stomach Pillbury Dough Boy style and he just couldn't stop giggling. What rocker do you know who is worth their salt smiles this much? Do you think Pete Daughtery is smiling like that, Josh? No. He's worried about where he's going to get his next hit of smack. He can't be worried about smiling as well. You need to be cut a little deeper and hurt a little more otherwise you're gonna come off as the rocker that every woman wants to take home to mom. And that rocker? He sucks.
GINA: Dude, they put an implant in Pete, where, like, even if he does junk, it neutralizes in his system and won't get him high. I don't know what their doing about the crack, but they've cut him off at the knees, heroin-wise. Josh reminds me of a very specific breed of nerd. It's hard to explain, but it's like the weird dude that wears, like, bolero ties and big, baggy, black button ups with like a dragon silkscreened on it? And then a cheap, metal, ying yang on a piece of black string? And he overenunciates and speaks in this very clipped, precise, condescending manner? He really enjoys the works of Piers Anthony and Clive Barker? He was definitely in drama club, was probably the like, lighting guy or something? I guess I'm trying to say he looks like a pencil necked fantasy dork, but like, not in the "awww, that's almost sort of cute" way. More in the "shut up, annyoing fuck" way. Like I said, it's hard to explain if you've never encountered it.
STORM
CRYSTAL: Storm needs me as a personal assistant in a most dire way. I truely believe there is no other job for a 7 foot, beautiful, well singing woman to be than on the stage...but her attire?...it has gots to go. Being tall has as many disadvantages as it does assets. Sure every man wants to fuck you to "see what its like," but all your clothes can look like you can't find anything in your own size if you're not careful. That's the problem we have here tonight. It looks like she scammed that outfit off of Jill and Jill is no one to mess with...she's Italian after all. She probably has family in the mafia, 'cause all Italians do. I think its next week that Storm wears that black suit, so I'm gonna cut her some slack here. Plus, I like her, and I'm very very hypocritical.
GINA: I am really enjoying this picture. She looks like a fucking warrior. Like she's actually Amazonian, and these were the biggest clothes they could find, and if you keep on staring at her she will crush you with her thighs. I like Storm a lot, and while I don't think she's the biggest fashion distaster on this show (you heard me,
Dilana), she could use some help. She's probably too busy being not annoying and decent to be bothered by things like clothes. Or she had a hard time finding stuff to wear growing up, because of the tall, leggy, factor. Clothes look uncomfortable on her, there's always a strangeness to the fit that doesn't work quite right.
DILANA
CRYSTAL: Alight, look. I know that the new Marie Antoinette movie is coming out soon but Dil-hole has gone way too far. I am going to have to forever ban pink from her wardrobe because she has abused it. I don't know where she got this ridiculous, over the top, lacy, bizarro ballerina costume but nothing will take the attention off the singer and put it on the clothes like dressing up as Little Bo Peep who has a fetish for getting spanked with her staff. Dilana, I'm ready for you to stop acting out your fantasies in front of all us good, conservative people. I'm getting all sick to my stomach.
GINA: This is a new nursery rhyme I've come up with. Feel free to share it with your children.
Little Ho Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them.
She'll be Baryshnikov's whore, forever more
Or until she's told she looks stupid.PHIL
CRYSTAL: Phil looks pissed this week. I think someone must have just told him that the top he's wearing was from last season's Victoria's Secret catalog. Phil hates anything last season. At least he has mercifully covered up his stretched putty arms and might be standing up
straight (??). I'm glad Phil left this week. He's tired, downtrotted and he's gotta get back to New Jersey so he can wobble around in the next Wedding reception his manager signed him up for in case this whole "supernover" thing didn't work out.
GINA: Awwww, Phil looks like Shaggy, right down to the spindly arms and stoner glare. I don't know quite what he was going for, be it tough guy or more of his patented, "I'm only here cause they told me I'd be getting three square meals a day. That was such bullshit" languidness. Phil looks like I feel about this desecration of all that was awesome about summer 2005.
JILL
CRYSTAL: In the Book of Isaiah, God says to the people of Jerusalem "speak tenderly to Jerusalem and cry to her that she has served her term, that her penalty is paid, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins." In the Book of Crystal, Jill doesn't get off as easily as Jerusalem. Jill hasn't paid for her sins enough. We need to hammer a few more chunks of her ego away first. In this, another installment of Why I Hate People Like Jill, I will research Webisode #4.
2. Oh! What a surprise, Jill's a crybaby. In this webisode, the group is divided up into three groups to write lyrics to a shitty song track by the Superholes. Jill, who is as talented as she is tall, wasn't being heard by the other members of her group...especially Magni who wasn't gonna take any of her Italian sausage shit. So what does she do? Ah, she walks out in a regal manner of any center of attention Drama Queen and waits until someone comes to her to soothe the ruffled feathers of her fake blonde hair. So, yeah, still hate her. No one who acts like a spoiled child should be a show with people who are seemingly, honestly cool. She's gonna taint people. I hate taint.
GINA: I hate Jill mostly because looks like an uppity stripper in all of her pictures. Like she's always down on the other girls and the club, because she can sing
and dance. She's just doing it to make some money before she's a big star, and that makes her better than the rest of you bitches who are just dirty sluts. I don't know about you guys, but I like my strippers down-to-earth and without prejudice. Maybe that's just me.
DANA
CRYSTAL: Wow, who is this girl? If I didn't know that was Dana, I would never have recognized her. It's like she went to sleep and woke up cool. How does that happen? I'm going to have to get in touch with her and ask how she did that. If we could bottle the secret we could make a fortune. The first customers would be the three old-timers in the thrones to the back of the audience.
GINA: I feel like a proud mother. I know I didn't have anything at all to do with her transformation, but I'm taking credit anyway. I don't really know what happened either. While the new stylists has proved himself to be not quite so bad as our dearly detested Ellie Mae, he's no God of fashion, either. I'm giving most of the credit to Crystal and myself, with a little for Dana. Maybe she saw the pictures they were taking of her and she was like, "Uh, I'm
way prettier than that."
RYAN
CRYSTAL: This week Ryan is a traveling businessman who circles the world organizing and funding orphanages for children who have lost everything to mad cow disease and the west nile virus all through the third world countries of Earth (you know, in his spare time from being a businessman.). He dresses down in the third world countries because, as other people have told me, there is nothing worse than a showoff.
GINA: Ryan is starting to bore me. Everything is all black; black like his soul. If Ryan is still clinging to this brooding, wounded, and angry persona at this age, I can't even imagine what he was like as a teenager. He probably went to school in blackface and wasn't sure why everyone was giving him dirty looks.
He's sad, you guys, not racist!
MAGNI
CRYSTAL: In my opinion, anyone who does the Scott Stapp Arms Wide Open gesture, uh ever, should be shot to death on site. No judge. No jury. Just execution. How embarassing is it for us to have to watch a foreigner, who is perhaps unawares at the infinite toolness of S. Stapp, to do the gesture that made an entire country hate him for his total lack of shame? How much does it cost to get Vh1 in Iceland? He may want to invest in it so that he can avoid this sort of public humiliation next time 'round.
GINA: Alright, Magni. I'm sorry. But you are officially not sort of hot anymore. I like to think that no one has as crappy taste as America and that Creed was never popular anywhere else, but I doubt it. Didn't Josh sing a Creed song on the show? There are no excuses. Where I come from any reference to Creed is swiftly followed by the Messiah pose, I can only assume that this is a widespread phenomena. He knew.
And he did it anyway.
