Rock Star: A Fashion Tragedy

Hey guys. Here we are, a couple of weeks later, and I can no further put off another installment. Today is my birthday (well, the day I started this is, this could be posted anywhere from one week to one year from today) and I as looked back on all 25 bitter and hateful years, I felt like I needed some punishment. So here I am...doing this...again....

xoxoxo

gina


STORM
GINA: It's a man's suit. Straight up. I can't decided who it is that let her borrow it, but I have ruled out Dave, Lukas, and Jason, as her legs alone are taller than they are. Maybe it's an ex-boyfriend's, her dead grandpa's, whatever. Making sure your bra is peeking out the top does nothing to feminize the cut or to remedy that unsightly bunching at the ankles. The last thing the world needs is really tall women in pants that are too long. I know it probably makes you tall broads feel a bit more delicate, but it makes me laugh, and I don't want to laugh at you, Storm. I really don't. Or at any of you other lucky-fuck tall bitches.

CRYSTAL: Guh. To quote Janeane Garafalo in Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, Storm, "is being an idiot [about fashion] like being high...all the time?" Please tell me you hit the pipe while listening to the b-sides of The Talking Heads albums as you picked out this...this...worst outfit ever? Just ever. How do you go wrong time and time again? And its not like you are not trying. I would have a little more respect for the "who gives a fuck" attitude...but she obviously thinks about these trainwrecks. It's high time she start suppressing her natural urge for tragedy and stop making my brain bleed.

GINA: Storm, seriously, myspace friend us or something. WE CAN HELP YOU.

MAGNI


GINA: The man sure does love his Jesus poses, doesn't he? He looks like he is announcing to the house: "Come, my children. I, Magni son of Rock, have turned wine into cocaine, so that we may partake in the true teachings of Rock and Roll. Freebase, friends. Snort until your heart's content. Rock will provide." And then he really regrets the whole idea when Toby starts telling stories about how he was selling like, at least, ten pounds of the stuff a few years ago. But he never got busted because he was always one step ahead of the cops or some other such bullshit. And everyone's like, "Yeah, Toby, you used to be a drug dealer. That's really cool." and he doesn't realize they're being sarcastic.

Hmmm...I probably should have saved that for the Toby critique. Shit.

CRYSTAL: CALLING ALL DON JOHNSON VIA MIAMI VICE HALLOWEEN COSTUMERS, OH YEAH, I MEAN YOU MAGNI--- I'm gonna say to you the same I say to my inmates who have begun to get on my last nerve...go find somewhere to sit down and be quiet before you get locked down.

GINA: Even in this highly mockable suit, he still finds a way to bore the living shit out of me. And I sort of liked him.


RYAN


GINA: Oh Ryan, as the weeks go by you become more and more twee, which as our first season readers will know, makes me feel all "this is where the stranger touched me" and grossed out. He looks like he writes cheesy vampire novels and this is what he would wear to his book signing, where he'd look all self important and fakely "sensitive", much as he does in this photo. He totally buys his own bullshit, and it's sort of sad.

CRYSTAL: Oh dammit. The shame is finally surfacing. He looks like an ad for a Hot Topic goth coat. Even I, in my infinite caustic genius, cannot come up with anything to pretend Ryan is beyond a New Age Edward Rochester from Jane Eyre. I am actually weeping now. My sadness built on months and months of surpressing this guilt of liking Ryan and now its all bubbling like a totally humiliting volcano. This is about the time I find myself eating Hostess cupcakes on the floor of my closet until morning. I'll talk to you guys laters.

GINA: Hallelujah, praise the Lord! Think of this photo like using hydrogen peroxide to clean up a scraped knee. You apply it intially, and nothing really happens, then all the sudden shit starts bubbling and burning, but it's over with quickly enough and you are left sanitary and clean. This was just Ryan's way of releasing you from the guilt and shame. I'm glad you finally see the tool beneath the pretty exterior, Crystal. Sincerely.

CRYSTAL: Look. Don't get too excited. We'll have to see what he's wearing next week. I could still totally change my tune. I've gone back and forth with Matt Damon for years.

Toby


GINA: Now this is how I like Toby. One look at him and I am magically transported to an unnamed music festival, and Toby is the guy who asks if you know where he can get a bag. And then tries to sell you Ectasy. These rolls aren't dopey at all! Pure MDMA! When I meet people like this in real life, I generally wish they would just go far, far, away from me, but drug dealers in my head are always sort of, like, loveable doofuses.

CRYSTAL: You know what would make this outfit better? Death. Sweet, sweet, death. Why is it that Toby's clothes ALWAYS looked like he picked them off the floor, gave them a second smell, and put on the cleanest of the dirtiest? Toby. Go ahead and throw that couture in the washing machine with a little Tide. American made couture can totally take it.

GINA: Toby is totally a "Throw it in the machine with a dryer sheet for 15 minutes" kind of guy. My best friend growing up had an older brother that also subsribed to that method of "washing". We used to sit in the kitchen while he smelled all of his dirty, disgusting, shirts (he was a GIANT stoner hippie and addtionally SUPER hot which I always feel the need to clairify for some reason. The only reason I never had a crush on him was the hippie factor. It was enough to far outweigh the hot. He was really, really, cute, though. Which I guess somewhat explains why he got away with this.) and picked out the one that smelled the least, threw it in the dryer with a sheet and viola! One "clean" shirt!



MC COCKSUCKER


GINA: So Lukas looks like he's just about to take a load on the face from Tommy Lee. That's why he got the job, actually. After so many years of debauchery and orgies on the road, Tommy has developed an unnatural fetish. Seeing midgets covered in his own...you know. It's okay, you can tell from how Lukas has his head thrown jauntily back that this is probably no big punishment for him. He's all, Well, this is still better that being not marginally famous, right? I mean that midget that followed Kid Rock around got to be a professional wrestler. I can parlay this shit, easy.

CRYSTAL: Sooooo...another crucifix, Lukas? No, yeah, I mean, it does have a same effect from the other 25 you've worn on this show. And yep, you are so right, it still has that badboy vibe about the whole thing...that whole tempestuous, rebelling yelling, patron saint of all assholes vibe. And that painter's tape cross on your arm? So very...very...ALRIGHT, I CAN'T FAKE IT ANYMORE...Lukas even your clothes and style have bored me to oblivion. I feel like I'm being forced to re-read Waiting for Godot. You are in no way talented or cool, you poser. And I can say that confidently, being both, of course.

GINA: Crystal that is two literary references in one post. You are a formidable intellectual. Yeah, and I am in total agreement with you about Waiting for Godot, or Waiting for This Shit to End, as I call it.

CRYSTAL: I am such a loser.


PATRICE


GINA: If you have ever wondered how I can hate Patrice so much, allow me to point it out to you. It may have something to do with heeled combat boots, bike shorts, and vagina paneling. It may also pertain to a button up winter-looking jacket with aforementioned bike shorts. It could be that from the boobs up she doesn't look like a pukey mess, making the lower half even more enraging. How appropriate that she scavenged Jill's closet. Two sides of the same bitchy coin, those two. Aaaaaaaaand? I still hate her.

CRYSTAL: If there ever was a whore off on a reality television competition I would hope it would be between Patrice and Jill. Because, in all seriousness, whoever lost, WE'D still come out winners. You know, since they were both kicked off the show I think I could put this whole thing together. I could get some sort of catwalk, a blow up pool, some homemade cactus jelly ('cause it smells weird), a few bike shorts and cone bras...we could have ourselves the best whore off there ever was! Anyone intested in an invite, just email us!

GINA: Did you ever see the South Park episode where Mr. Slave gets into a Whore Off with Paris Hilton? You should, it's pretty awesome. Network Execs, if you're reading, Crystal's onto a great idea. The best of reality show whores duke it out, eventually crowning the Biggest Whore in the World. I've got Trishelle from the Real World on line two, and she is ready whenever you are.

CRYSTAL: How sad is it that I know Trishelle's name as well as my own?

DILANA


GINA: Since I am, at any given time, about 2 years behind the rest of the world, I have just discovered the absolute pleasure that is the HBO original series Deadwood. I love any show that uses the words cocksucker and fuck as liberally as I do in my own life. Anyway, from the moment I laid eyes on the whores in Al Swearengen's brothel, I was acutely reminded of Dilana, who looks just as rough and is often dressed for the period. Well, except that the whores on Deadwood have slightly better taste. So now, when I see good ol' Dil, I pretty much just wish that Al Swearengen would show up, drop a nugget or two of his hilarious, hilarious wisdom (i.e. "Declare or shut the fuck up", "Lying causes cat-piss smell" and "That man is fucking cuntstruck") and have Dan Dority take his knife to her. Oh, Al Swearengen, how I wish you were real. And that we were friends.

CRYSTAL: Gina, I'm surprised that we've never shared our Swearengen love talk...he is the ONLY reason I watch that show. The best motherfucking curser that ever cursed a motherfucking word. And how great is it that his last name actually has "swear" in it? Okay...back to Dil...

GINA: No, fuck Dilana, I would much rather talk about Al Swearengen. He doesn't wear mail order costume whore ensembles and display a palpable pathological neediness. Anyway, how can you not love Johnny? ("I've been waiting for this moment, Al, ever since you give me that Indian head to take care of.") Or Dan???!! Pretty much everyone that works at the Gem is what makes the show so good. Seriously, I really fucking love Deadwood. I'm an only child, my father had to make due with what he had, so consequently, I have a childhood ripe with Westerns and professional wrestling. If you have any affection for Westerns at all, check it out. It goes against genre in a really awesome, hilarious, way.

CRYSTAL: You're right. I like the show for all those colorful people at the beautifully earthy "Gem." And thank you, very much, for saving me from having to critique Dilana. She's sooo not as interesting as true whores and pimps.

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae at 12:47 PM | Permalink | Comments

I know we are several weeks behind in our blog but I can't help but to skip ahead to the current events that took place on last Wednesday night:

As the Rolling Stones once sadly sang, "Oh help me, please doctor, I'm damaged. There's a pain where there once was a heart..." I too feel the pain where there once was a little scrap of heart left. The producers have decided they do not want Gina and myself to watch any more episodes of Rockstar and created the dasterdly plan of kicking off the last person to redeem that pile of rotting animal carcass. Storm has been deleted and she was the last scion to revive this aging hard rock band. Supernoo!va can continue without her, to be sure, but the best they can hope for now is half a one hit wonder and their one lame, sold out show on New Year's Eve.

Enjoy it, Super'tards. But know this, I won't be spending my money on you.






Crystal: Is there a heavy Storm brewing? That's some strong wind in that Storm. That Large Storm is really blowing her back...Oh, why do I love bad puns so much? I'll probably never know. Storm is doing her best mime of being blown away in a Tornado of Bad Fashion this week in her boyfriend's old white, carpenter jeans and her trashy cuz's wifebeater. I think Storm likes bad, cheap fashion taste as much as I like to make an ass of myself telling bad jokes. Storm, you and your naturally humorous name deserve better. It's just a shame that our blog isn't read by the likes of reality show contestants...or many other people.

GINA: Awww, Storm....Storm, you have no idea what you are doing. I love you, you are the only person that I thought was super-talented and awesome. (y'know versus Zayra, who was mostly just awesome with occasional two-second glimpes of talent) But darling, you look like you're calling over the Beer Man while watching the drag races at the Gateway International Raceway. That's not a compliment.



Crystal: Is it the photographer telling everyone to make a stupid face and pose with some old, lame ass gesture or are the rockers just coming into themselves? I vote the latter. The peace making machine that is Patrice has decided that prepubescent ponytails are the way to go this week so she can finally obtain the vote from the constinuency of the last of the desperate hussy's...pedophiles. Unfortunatly for Gina and myself, and anyone else as sick of this old lady as we are, it's probably those votes that kept her in the competition for so long. This outfit is not so bad, I guess, for her, but the scarf is stupid. When I am Queen I am going to make the law that scarfs are only to be worn when it's cold outside or if someone cute wants to wear one (See: Karl Pilkington. He's the one in the background with the "perfectly round head.")

GINA: I like how it looks like they poured wax all over her face to mask the wrinkles. You aren't fooling anyone, you over the hill, desperate, clinging to your youth, whining, phony, worthless, lying, laughable hag. Yup, looks like I still fucking hate her. It's nice to have a constant in your life.

Crystal: Suspender's again? Is this his "peacock" or "peacocking" or whatever the fuck that cock Dave Nevarro called it last season? Do we have to keep putting up with all that...because I don't believe for one minute that Toby has ever worn suspenders the correct way and therefore makes me believe that he's lying about other things...like having any talent.
And! You know what I just realized suspenders not worn correctly remind me of? Skinheads. All that's missing in this pic is a shaved head and one big sieg heil.

GINA: And to add to your skinhead vibe, I might add that his suspenders are red. If he starts sporting combat boots with red laces in them, we might be in store for the reailty television version of Romper Stomper. That means that the SuperAssholes would talk less, right? I'm okay with Neo Nazis and kicking ethnic ass if it means I get to spend one less second listening to the soul sucking void that is Tommy Lee's voice. I liked Toby a lot better when he looked like a drug dealer.

CRYSTAL: Here. Here. Drug dealer is a lot better than racist. I should know. I work with criminals daily.

Crystal: Girl you know it's true. Oh Oh Oh I loathe you! Oh, and Jill, you look like Milli Vanilli. And you even dance like Milli Vanilli! How did you remember that routine from so long ago? All that's missing was Fab. Or Rob. Alright, it doesn't matter. Jill, you look like a recycled, bike shorts wearing, zero talented dimwit. It was my pleasure that this was your last worthless performance. You certainly went out with a great big smile on my face. You can blame it on the rain if you want, but after this show I hope you realize the truth. It's you.

GINA: I've spent the last fifteen minutes or so trying to get ahold of Jill's logic for wearing BIKE SHORTS on television. The best I can do is that she's noticed the god foresaken trend of reviving the early 90's in fashion as of late. (Guys, let's all remember that 80% of the fun of 90210 re-runs is making fun of the clothes) It's like she made this jump from leggins being acceptable (which, NO....it's not....they will never learn if people keep on wearing them) to bike shorts, because that'd be real cutting edge and shit. Instead she looks like Whorish Kimmy Gibbler, like if she dyed her hair blonde and got big, fake, tits, and was tired of living in DJ Tanner's shadow, and she moved to LA and one day someone took a picture of a nasty, homeless looking stranger sucking on her tit at a Wendy's. Oh wait, that last part was Courtney Love, but we all know Jill wants to be her, so it fits.

Crystal: One of the funniest quotes I heard was on the Internet Reality Show after Dilana ran around the pool naked. Being at my utmost laziest I am not going back to see who said it and what was spoken verbatim. I think it was Toby who said she looked like a "twelve year old boy with a wig." He was talking about Dilana's figure and truer words were never spoken. She has some sort of abhorant gift of dressing herself in the least womanly way and instead transpires into a midget with a dirty complection and a voice coated in tar. Not only the figure but Dilana is unattractive in the way that a horse is when rode hard and put away wet. Lady better start moisturizing or something...can you imagine what she's gonna look like at 60? Eww.

GINA: You'll have to forgive me, I'm having a bit of a sympathetic moment for Dilana. You had this thing wrapped up, and I don't know what came over you, be it some subconcious need to sabatoge yourself, or a prematurely inflated ego, but you were your worst competition and you choked. I do feel like you were robbed, but mostly I just wanted anyone but Lukas to win. You've not only disappointed your real fans, but you've disappointed me. I think we both know which one is more important.

CRYSTAL: Since I began to hate Dilana for her desperation and fake ploy to gain sympathy votes with the whole "ouch, I pulled something in my leg that is literally only 9 inches long. Now what can I do with this strand of fake flowers and this crutch to show I'm still a contender?" I couldn't have cared less that she lost out. Dil, once you've gone against me, it takes a miracle of John Travolta's second coming to get back in my good graces.

Crystal: I know. I know people like this man. I realize he's a likable guy and people like his singing and sensitivity and blah. I'm just uber bored with him. I do not enjoy his style of music/singing/clothing/soul patch/iclandicness and frankly I hope that he IS chosen as the new lead singer because, really, I could use another excuse to never pay this "band" any attention again once this blog is over and done. Good Lord, when will it be over and done?

GINA: At this rate, roughly when Rock Star 3 airs. I do wonder if people even read this anymore, because I know that I can't be bothered with anything about this show outside of suffering through the broadcast. (besides Leperpop, of course) The worst part is that by procrastinating, we have only forced ourselves to linger in this Rock Star black hole even longer than the rest of the general population. So, yeah, gonna agree with Crystal that Magni is boring, because I literally couldn't think of anything to say about him other than that he looks like he would be...like...my cousin's husband, not that he looks like any of my cousins' husbands, but he just has this general familiar blandness about him. To quote Toby, EVS.

CRYSTAL: Holy shit. I just did a calculation of how long this is going to take to finish this blog at the rate we're going to how many more weeks we have to go...and...I'm gonna go buy a shotgun. Gina, I'll take you out first for the humanity. That's the kind of friend I am.

GINA: I am so glad that we became friends despite the fact that when we met my dorky friends and your dorky friends hated each other. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Crystal: Leave it to Josh to finally start acting cool on this show once he gets the boot. I found him utterly endearing when he turned to the band after he was ousted and asked "Does this mean I can't go to Vegas?" Aww. Josh, man, you're one of those guys where in real life I wouldn't like anything about you but couldn't help myself to get excited when you stopped by my table at the bar to say "hi."

By the way, I really like his pose here. I'll give you an insider's hint. The thought bubble would read, "Fuck it, FashionTragedy. I'm going home ANYWAY."

GINA: Jesus, Josh, was that so fucking hard? Was that worth five weeks of mockery? Or was this all part of your clever plan so that we wouldn't make fun of your half tucked shirt and craft fair necklaces? If I saw this guy in a bar, I would hate him instantly, but as it stands, it's Josh, and he looks pretty decent and like he's living in 2006 and he's gone after this week, anyway.




Crystal: If there was any ever doubt that Zayra is carrying around a pair of solid brass balls under that sunfire gold bodysuit, you have to be delusional. In fact, what Zayra lacks in talent, she makes up with those balls tenfold. As if I couldn't have any more awe for this woman she emerges on the stage this week to sing one of my all time favorite songs in nothing more than gold body paint and owns the motherloving stage. Mott the Hoople, people, the girl sang Mott the Hoople. Even with our disagreements...you have to give me that.

GINA: I hated this outfit on the show, she made me regret all the nice things I said about her. If your name isn't Slash, don't wear a top hat. End of story. Now for the big, fat, HOWEVER. If there was one way that this ensemble was going to work, it is with that pose she is doing right now for the picture. I like how many of our rockers went for cutesy, "cool", tough poses this week and Zayra is the only one to pull it off. Kudos to you, you ballsy, utterly cool, broad.




Crystal: Lukas' jackets are getting more perverse and the material is looking a little too much like a Kayne creation from Project Runway. For those of you unfamiliar with the third season contestants of Project Runway (for shame!) that's an insult. Kayne, a beauty pagent gown designer, has a weakness for all that is tacky. And what's with Mrs. Ritchie's Lucky Star glove? Lukas, dude, you're not that cool. You can not get away with just anything. You're still from Canada afterall (shout out to all our Canadian readers!) and you have that indistinguishable accent. Which is really just annoying. To Americans.

GINA: Awww, don't dis on Kayne! He's better that fucking Jeffery, who reminds me of my favorite contestant, MC Cocksucker. Who looks really good this week. I like his jacket and even his stupid Madonna glove. I guess we're not going to pretend like we don't know he won. CAN YOU BELIEVE HE WON? This summer has been the betrayal of all I knew and loved about Rock Star. On the upside, I never have to hear his crappy orginal song ever again for as long as I live. I watch Rock Star while on the treadmill, watching the little TV attached to it at the gym. For the past two weeks, I've unplugged my headphones during MC Cocksucker's performances and instead listened to the music the gym pipes in. I found that I would rather listen to these songs rather than Lukas:

1. The "You Gotta Be" song that was featured heavily in Magnolia
2. Breathe by Faith Hill
3. Desperado by the FUCKING EAGLES (which if you knew me at all, is like, almost unthinkable, if it were Hotel California, I probably would have put the headphones back in)
4. Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith
5. That really awful "Come my lady, come, come, my lady" ditty by that band with the rapper dude that had really shitty tattoos and bad spiked hair.

If that's not hate, then I don't know what is. Now I know how all those JD haters felt last year. It's icky.

Crystal: Ahem. Okay, Gina, here's The Hoodie. Here's the prob with this whole brainstorm Ryan came up with this week. Firstly, Brooke introduced him by saying, "Ryan is somewhere in this room..." Then we magically found him onstage (as there might have been some doubt as to whether he could pull off the performance while in the john) and he sang "Paint it Black" and decided to make a friggin' goth girl fantasy out of it. "Paint it Black" is a very descriptive song with very potent imagery. Ryan, it doesn't need to be acted out. I was so embarassed during his performance (complete with painted black eyes) that I almost found him unattractive. Thankfully, the song is not that long...I can forget a lot when things only last three minutes. Like, I pretty much already forgot what I was talking about here...ahh Ryan, try to stop disappointing me.

GINA: AHAHAHAHAHA....if you'll excuse me for a minute, but, what a fucking FRUIT. Who the hell told him that this was a good idea? Crystal, I admire your tenacity, because I would never admit to being attracted to him ever again after this. I remember this performance clearly, as I started to laugh right away, and then he pulled his hoodie down and revealed his blackface, I had tears rolling down my own yellowface. Then, somewhere in between the reveal and the end, I started to feel really embarassed for him and couldn't even look at the television anymore. I don't like it when people make me feel guilty over their own oblivious retardation. Reminding me that I'm small and cruel only makes me more vicious.

CRYSTAL: Can we start calling me Tenacious C?? I think a nickname is long overdue. Look. Ryan has his good points. For instance, he is unbelievable hot. My personality pool is shallow enough that many times, it's all I need in a man.

GINA: Consider it done.

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae at 1:43 PM | Permalink | Comments