Week Eight: Based on the Rules of Pure Principle
Why go on?
This is the question I have been asking myself since the first time I saw the second season of RockStar: The Three Losers and their Desperate Attempt to Kick it with the Cool Kids...or
"RS: Supernova," for short. But as lazy and sad as Gina and I are, we are just as stubborn. We will prevail. In the words of Winston Churchill, "Never, never, never give up."
Okay...we're not talking Nazi invasion, or whatever, but this is definitely our WWII. I want the four people who might still read this to realize...we are fighting for you...for those we have never seen...for the freedom to live in a world without the horrors brought by bad rockstar fashion. We are living for pure principle here. And coming from two ladies who believe in very, very little in this crazy, little world...well...we just hope you appreciate the effort.
MAGNI
CRYSTAL: The part of the 90s that I miss the most is the skit on Saturday Night Live with David Spade and Adam Sandler playing the two snooty girls who worked at The Gap who always told the clueless bitches trying on giant pantaloons to "Just cinch it!" Hilarious. (David Spade can father my kids any day.) I like to believe that in Iceland they are just now getting those episodes of SNL broadcast for the first time on government access and Magni is having his wife tape them while he was in LA so he wouldn't miss a single episode. I say all this (I have a point, I swear!) because he has cinched, I see. Making his package look wierdly out of place below his belly. Pleats in the pants=BAD FOREIGNER. Foreign or not, cinching is all but illeagel here in the Americas. That's it, I'm calling Immigration.
GINA: I spent my Thanksgiving weekend in lovely Fort Wayne, IN...aka the most depressing place on earth (sorry, Fort Wayneites. It's not like St. Louis is that much better) There used to be these commericals there, for this place called, like, Pierre's or some shit. I don't remember exactly. BUT they were awesome because they'd show some guy, who looks just like Magni, same outfit and all, and would do that cheap video production trick where they outline your face in teal or some other obnoxiously bright hue, while the dude is making sexy faces and white guy dancing. It pretty much looks like an episode of Wayne's World. Except they are actually trying.
CRYSTAL: I think we're all dying to know, Gina, what exactly was Pierre's??
GINA: The hottest rock and roll spot in Fort Wayne, IN. I don't know, I never went there. I commericals were so visceral that I felt like I'd already been, so I never bothered.
RYAN
CRYSTAL: You see that red leaf in the midst of the gray ones on Ryan's $60 t-shirt? That's the symbol of my dead love for him. He got my "dear john" letter after the last show and he has been trying to find meaning in this world gone bone-stinking rotten. You see his pleading face? It's so tired and pathetic. It's saying, "Crystal, Crystal, why? You're forcing me to do this, Crystal. I'm going to have to...I mean I just might...Look, you've left me no choice...I'm going to...write a song about all this!"
I might give him a second chance though. It's been a pretty slow year. The song can't be that bad, right?
GINA: Ryan once again bypassed sexy and wound up confused looking. His face reminds me of the expression ones uses when your dude friends think it's funny to fart on you. That's the exact look he has on his face. Like, "Why? What did I do to you? That's not funny, can't you tell I'm a GIRL?!"
LUKASS
CRYSTAL: I was racking my brain to figure out what horrible childhood nightmare Lukas must have faced to fake this pint-sized bravado and pretend he wasn't ruthlessly teased and tormented as a teenager. I've read that he was watching Sid and Nancy for the umpteenth time after a particularly bad day of having his arm punched and shins kicked and decided that an uber-hip Sid Vicious was the person he would become...just as soon as highschool was over. But he got it a little wrong and ended up as a punk rock drag queen impersonator with some sort of mutant accent, and a strong desire to hang with rejects from the planet SoOldItsEmbarassing.
GINA: You know what my problem is? That everyone's clothes are so boring that I have to start talking about myself and anything else that doesn't have to do with fashion. So here I go once again. MC Cocksucker reminds me of this old guy that used to go to shows all the time back when I would go to shows all the time.(Before I realized how awesome being a homebody recluse could be) He would describe himself as punk with no irony, he still rocked the studded leather jacket, the stupid hair, the whole nine. I always felt sorry for him, because I think anyone that still identifies with punk rock and rebellion after age 35 is probably one of the most pathetic things a human can do to himself. It speaks of a stunning immaturtity and acceptance of reality.
Needless to say, Lukas is dredging up the same feelings of pity and embarassment. But I also started to feel embarassed for him soon after he won the show, anyway, (good luck with that on the long term, Luc!) so who can tell if it's that or the I'm 30 and still a punk vibe I get from him.
DILANA
CRYSTAL: This picture is the Rockstar equivilent of Bush standing on a giant docked freighter with a large banner in the background proclaiming "Mission Accomplished!" The Black Fairy Elf Dilana feels like she's got this shit in the bag. And that bag's covered in tulle and not leaking or ANYTHING. If I hadn't had my feelings surgically removed with a bothersome mole 'bout 5 years back I might feel bad since I know how this whole socially retarded experiment ends. (With Dillsy crying in a corner, writing super awesome poetry about being a loser and drinking Jose Quervo straight from the greasy-handed, lipstick stained bottle.) Alas, I'm still kinda giggling about it.
GINA: My God, what did they do to her face? She looks like a female Noseferatu. I'm beginning to think that the makeup artists idea of wrinkle hiding foundations consists of multiple layers of thick, goopy, oil paints applied until the person is nothing but slick, tan, skin, and tiny, tiny, eyes.
STORM
CRYSTAL: Did Storm think this was an audition for the Bangles Family Reunion? Ahhhh, lady. How long has it been since walking like an Egyption was cool? Was it...ever...cool? I'm way too young to know one way or the other but I can state with a tremendous amount of certainty that Storm looks not so cool. And amazingly, this time, it's not because of the garb she's doning (although, wtf?, suspenders? body chains?). But Storm is far too awful of a dresser to get all hung up on the fact she is always stealing clothes from her older, slightly fem, brother. Nope, this time, its all in that pose. Even the look on her face is saying, "Oh Jesus H. Christ, even I can't believe I'm doing this."
GINA: Alright, goddammit, I'm starting to get pissed. They do have a stylist this year, and I never mentioned him because I thought he was doing a slightly better job than EM and he wasn't on the show, and all in my grill like EM. But this is it. You suck, (hold on have to go look up his name) Miles Siggins, you FUCKING SUCK. At least with EM there was an entertainment factor, something to look at, every once in awhile there was something other than FUCKING BLACK and it's sister colors. Look at Storm. She always looks like she buys her shit exclusively at garage sales and that she never tries anything on, and that she has no idea about what would look good on her. You're telling me that you can't convince her to wear something different? Don't you notice the weeks after unending weeks of black? Are you color blind or retarded? Seriously, I just want to know.
PATRICE
CRYSTAL: As the old Shakespearean adage goes, some are born with thunder theighs, some achieve thunder theighs, and some have thunder theighs thrust upon them. Such is the price you pay with skinny jeans...you have thunder theighs thrust upon you...and us...for that matter. Patrice, as much as I hatechu, let me give you an easy rule of thumb: If anyone ever hands you a pair of skinny jeans and you are not 98 pounds or less, Just Say No Thanks. Easy enough? Good. I've just exhausted myself from being so nice to you.
GINA: For this being Patrice, queen of the nonsensical outfit, she looks pretty good. I don't think her thighs really look that big. She isn't porportioned well enough to pull off the skinny jeans (You aren't Zayra, bitch) but I've seen worse. And also, you can't really just weigh 98 pounds, you also have to be like 5'9. But you know, people are going to insist on embarassing themselves, anyway.
TOBY
CRYSTAL: Toby! Tobester! Tobias! Yeah. I got nothin'.
GINA: Toby is looking very white rapper in this photo. Which, are there any white, Austrailian rappers? I know that I personally adore Hipspanic hip hop (especially when they sample that toodling Mexican restaurant music) but I think Aussie would be even better. Alright, Toby, I think I found your niche. You're gonna be a star, kid, you're gonna be a star!
This is the question I have been asking myself since the first time I saw the second season of RockStar: The Three Losers and their Desperate Attempt to Kick it with the Cool Kids...or
"RS: Supernova," for short. But as lazy and sad as Gina and I are, we are just as stubborn. We will prevail. In the words of Winston Churchill, "Never, never, never give up."
Okay...we're not talking Nazi invasion, or whatever, but this is definitely our WWII. I want the four people who might still read this to realize...we are fighting for you...for those we have never seen...for the freedom to live in a world without the horrors brought by bad rockstar fashion. We are living for pure principle here. And coming from two ladies who believe in very, very little in this crazy, little world...well...we just hope you appreciate the effort.
CRYSTAL: The part of the 90s that I miss the most is the skit on Saturday Night Live with David Spade and Adam Sandler playing the two snooty girls who worked at The Gap who always told the clueless bitches trying on giant pantaloons to "Just cinch it!" Hilarious. (David Spade can father my kids any day.) I like to believe that in Iceland they are just now getting those episodes of SNL broadcast for the first time on government access and Magni is having his wife tape them while he was in LA so he wouldn't miss a single episode. I say all this (I have a point, I swear!) because he has cinched, I see. Making his package look wierdly out of place below his belly. Pleats in the pants=BAD FOREIGNER. Foreign or not, cinching is all but illeagel here in the Americas. That's it, I'm calling Immigration.
GINA: I spent my Thanksgiving weekend in lovely Fort Wayne, IN...aka the most depressing place on earth (sorry, Fort Wayneites. It's not like St. Louis is that much better) There used to be these commericals there, for this place called, like, Pierre's or some shit. I don't remember exactly. BUT they were awesome because they'd show some guy, who looks just like Magni, same outfit and all, and would do that cheap video production trick where they outline your face in teal or some other obnoxiously bright hue, while the dude is making sexy faces and white guy dancing. It pretty much looks like an episode of Wayne's World. Except they are actually trying.
CRYSTAL: I think we're all dying to know, Gina, what exactly was Pierre's??
GINA: The hottest rock and roll spot in Fort Wayne, IN. I don't know, I never went there. I commericals were so visceral that I felt like I'd already been, so I never bothered.
CRYSTAL: You see that red leaf in the midst of the gray ones on Ryan's $60 t-shirt? That's the symbol of my dead love for him. He got my "dear john" letter after the last show and he has been trying to find meaning in this world gone bone-stinking rotten. You see his pleading face? It's so tired and pathetic. It's saying, "Crystal, Crystal, why? You're forcing me to do this, Crystal. I'm going to have to...I mean I just might...Look, you've left me no choice...I'm going to...write a song about all this!"
I might give him a second chance though. It's been a pretty slow year. The song can't be that bad, right?
GINA: Ryan once again bypassed sexy and wound up confused looking. His face reminds me of the expression ones uses when your dude friends think it's funny to fart on you. That's the exact look he has on his face. Like, "Why? What did I do to you? That's not funny, can't you tell I'm a GIRL?!"
CRYSTAL: I was racking my brain to figure out what horrible childhood nightmare Lukas must have faced to fake this pint-sized bravado and pretend he wasn't ruthlessly teased and tormented as a teenager. I've read that he was watching Sid and Nancy for the umpteenth time after a particularly bad day of having his arm punched and shins kicked and decided that an uber-hip Sid Vicious was the person he would become...just as soon as highschool was over. But he got it a little wrong and ended up as a punk rock drag queen impersonator with some sort of mutant accent, and a strong desire to hang with rejects from the planet SoOldItsEmbarassing.
GINA: You know what my problem is? That everyone's clothes are so boring that I have to start talking about myself and anything else that doesn't have to do with fashion. So here I go once again. MC Cocksucker reminds me of this old guy that used to go to shows all the time back when I would go to shows all the time.(Before I realized how awesome being a homebody recluse could be) He would describe himself as punk with no irony, he still rocked the studded leather jacket, the stupid hair, the whole nine. I always felt sorry for him, because I think anyone that still identifies with punk rock and rebellion after age 35 is probably one of the most pathetic things a human can do to himself. It speaks of a stunning immaturtity and acceptance of reality.
Needless to say, Lukas is dredging up the same feelings of pity and embarassment. But I also started to feel embarassed for him soon after he won the show, anyway, (good luck with that on the long term, Luc!) so who can tell if it's that or the I'm 30 and still a punk vibe I get from him.
CRYSTAL: This picture is the Rockstar equivilent of Bush standing on a giant docked freighter with a large banner in the background proclaiming "Mission Accomplished!" The Black Fairy Elf Dilana feels like she's got this shit in the bag. And that bag's covered in tulle and not leaking or ANYTHING. If I hadn't had my feelings surgically removed with a bothersome mole 'bout 5 years back I might feel bad since I know how this whole socially retarded experiment ends. (With Dillsy crying in a corner, writing super awesome poetry about being a loser and drinking Jose Quervo straight from the greasy-handed, lipstick stained bottle.) Alas, I'm still kinda giggling about it.
GINA: My God, what did they do to her face? She looks like a female Noseferatu. I'm beginning to think that the makeup artists idea of wrinkle hiding foundations consists of multiple layers of thick, goopy, oil paints applied until the person is nothing but slick, tan, skin, and tiny, tiny, eyes.
CRYSTAL: Did Storm think this was an audition for the Bangles Family Reunion? Ahhhh, lady. How long has it been since walking like an Egyption was cool? Was it...ever...cool? I'm way too young to know one way or the other but I can state with a tremendous amount of certainty that Storm looks not so cool. And amazingly, this time, it's not because of the garb she's doning (although, wtf?, suspenders? body chains?). But Storm is far too awful of a dresser to get all hung up on the fact she is always stealing clothes from her older, slightly fem, brother. Nope, this time, its all in that pose. Even the look on her face is saying, "Oh Jesus H. Christ, even I can't believe I'm doing this."
GINA: Alright, goddammit, I'm starting to get pissed. They do have a stylist this year, and I never mentioned him because I thought he was doing a slightly better job than EM and he wasn't on the show, and all in my grill like EM. But this is it. You suck, (hold on have to go look up his name) Miles Siggins, you FUCKING SUCK. At least with EM there was an entertainment factor, something to look at, every once in awhile there was something other than FUCKING BLACK and it's sister colors. Look at Storm. She always looks like she buys her shit exclusively at garage sales and that she never tries anything on, and that she has no idea about what would look good on her. You're telling me that you can't convince her to wear something different? Don't you notice the weeks after unending weeks of black? Are you color blind or retarded? Seriously, I just want to know.
CRYSTAL: As the old Shakespearean adage goes, some are born with thunder theighs, some achieve thunder theighs, and some have thunder theighs thrust upon them. Such is the price you pay with skinny jeans...you have thunder theighs thrust upon you...and us...for that matter. Patrice, as much as I hatechu, let me give you an easy rule of thumb: If anyone ever hands you a pair of skinny jeans and you are not 98 pounds or less, Just Say No Thanks. Easy enough? Good. I've just exhausted myself from being so nice to you.
GINA: For this being Patrice, queen of the nonsensical outfit, she looks pretty good. I don't think her thighs really look that big. She isn't porportioned well enough to pull off the skinny jeans (You aren't Zayra, bitch) but I've seen worse. And also, you can't really just weigh 98 pounds, you also have to be like 5'9. But you know, people are going to insist on embarassing themselves, anyway.
CRYSTAL: Toby! Tobester! Tobias! Yeah. I got nothin'.
GINA: Toby is looking very white rapper in this photo. Which, are there any white, Austrailian rappers? I know that I personally adore Hipspanic hip hop (especially when they sample that toodling Mexican restaurant music) but I think Aussie would be even better. Alright, Toby, I think I found your niche. You're gonna be a star, kid, you're gonna be a star!
