Rock Star: A Fashion Tragedy

Hey guys, Gina here, trying to muster up enough energy to care about writing one word about these rockers for another week. Actually, I place the blame erroneously, this isn’t the rockers’ fault. The blame lies entirely with the respectively be-wigged, gaunt, and in love with the sound of his own voice douchebaggery of SuperNOOOOOva. Just to be clear.

As you all know, Crystal and I feel that RSFT is the center of the Rock Star Universe. So imagine my non-surprise when I clicked on the week five photo sets. They are trying to distract us from the clothes with really crappy lighting. It won’t work, you silly, simple, fools. I printed that shit out and there it was in all its wrinkled glory (seriously, dudes, rock stars bust out the iron every once in a while, too) highly detailed and still wet with stolen toner from my place of employment.

You have to forgive us, guys, for being slow and not as funny. This shits is hard. I am not as talented as some, like those boys over at Leperpop, Sid F’er and Moist Rub who manage to crank it out with no issues and have it be just as good as their previous stuff. Those fuckers. We kid, we kid. If RSFT were getting married, we’d want Leperpop to be our Maid of Honor.

So, in closing, Who knew that whatever small personal charm the boys of INXS possessed was what made the show good? That’s so fucked up.

WEEK FIVE

DANA

GINA: Dana gets my vote for Most Improved Rocker. Rarely is it on this show, that someone winds up looking a lot cooler coming out that they did going in. In fact, this may be a singular phenomena. I’m not a fan of the horns, as I’ve discussed here before, but Dana’s all naïve and shit, so I can forgive her because she truly probably didn’t know any better. She was just like “Rocker?” and that was the first thing she thought of. Dana grew on me over the weeks, with her wide eyed buffoonery. Am I the only one that thinks it was a sin that she went home before the Evil Overlord of toothy, middle aged women, Patrice?

CRYSTAL: It's been so long since I've written anything for this post I had completely forgotten about Dana. I'm trying right now to rack my brain and remember that she had improved because this picture is reminiscent of some kind of secondary actress in the cast of My Name is Earl. I'm not trying to be the world's BIGGEST bitch, but Dana really represents the idea that all American's are genetic mutts...and some of us get the shit end of that stick. She looks like she is straight out of Kid Rock's family line where you can't escape your mother's womb without a penchant for throwing horns and going barefoot. Let's just wrap this up by saying its not the most flattering picture of Dana...that's what I was getting at.

DILANA

GINA: Knowing her like I do, I am surprised that the transparent cut outs in her pants were not placed on her inner thigh, rather than the outer. I don’t think for one second that Dilana would have any sort of problem with exposing her womanly parts to an international audience. You know, honestly, I think these may have worked if they didn’t make her look so short and stumpy. I think we all learned from Zayra that you can work almost anything if you have enough confidence, which I think Dil has. But they fit weird and make her look like she doesn’t have knees and are giving the impression that she is a much meatier girl that she actually is.

CRYSTAL: I don't have anything against a man-hating lesbian fronting a band full of misgonistic, sexist, whore purchasing, dirty, hairy, over the hill men but does Dilana have to wear clothes that were once pieces of SuperOsteoporosis' motorcycle saddle bags? If I were in a bar and this scarehard was walking towards me I would quickly tell my nearest friend that she was going to be my girlfriend for the night so I wouldn't get hit on by the big 'ol lesbo who thinks she's doing ads for Harley Davidson.

JILL

GINA: Jill looks evermore like a stripper this week. Whereas before she seemed like the kind that thought she was too good for all of it, this week she looks like she’ll give you a handjob in the Fantasy Room for 15 extra bucks. I think what bothers me most about Jill is that she is basically worthless beyond her huge, fake, tits and bleached blonde hair. If it were not for those two things, she would not be here. And yet, she thinks she is the awesomest bitch to ever awesome. It’s enough to make you want to strangle her. ALL YOU ARE IS HAIR AND TITS, JILL. LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT.

CRYSTAL: You know the best part about my Favorite Rawker of all time is that not only are those fake tits but all that hair isn't her's either. For our Next Enstallment: So lets remember far, far back to her performance this night. She tortured the Simple Minds song "Don't You Forget About Me." A classic from the soundtrack of an Institution movie. What exactly made it so bad, you may ask? Well, first off, Jill was singing. Not only was she singing, but she decided to scream out most of the song in what she thought was real RAWK star style. She also pranced around the stage like she was Madonna fucking Ciccone on hip-hop steroids. She made a huge giant 'hole of herself and ruined parts of every redblooded 80s junkie's childhood memories. In one fell swoop Jill has caused so much pain and suffering...why should one tiny woman have that much power? Who the hell does she think she is?

TOBY

GINA: I remember in high school, when some of my friends were going through a self described “punk phase” they would wear suspenders in the same manner that Toby does here. Then the other group of upper middle class, suburban, white, “punks” got mad at my friends for aping their style. It soon devolved into some sort of privileged, pubescent, “punk rock” war. Over some ugly, dumb looking suspenders. Why I didn’t kill myself then, I don’t know. I guess because I justified it by saying, “Well, I’m not wearing any stupid fucking suspenders, so this doesn’t affect me”. So yeah, suspenders always bring back painful adolescent memories of uttering phrases like, “He thinks he’s so punk.” And “Guttermouth is the best band ever!”

Oh my, that’s embarrassing.

CRYSTAL: Hold the phone. We had wars of this caliber in highschool? Where WAS I for four years? Was there a desperate search for WMDs and did we have UN backing? Did we have a French backlash and have to start buying freedom fries and americana burgers in the cafeteria? Tell me! I need to know! I missed so much watching televsion.

Gina, can I just say, that as pure solid gold dork as my friends were in highschool, I'm very thankful for all of them right now.
Toby, you look fine. I don't like the suspenders, but, we already know you're "so punk."

PATRICE

GINA: Oh man, with her all bent over like that, showing off her “I fucked Coolio and stole his haircut” Mohawk, I wish for nothing more than to be there right at the moment they snapped this pic, purely so that I could kick her in the face as hard as I could. I’m pretty short, which is why she’d have to be bent over. I can’t think of anything in this world that would be more satisfying for me. No wait, take that back. I wish that Patrice would win the show and I could somehow lure them to my house, where I would lock them in a room and observe them as I slowly starved them to death. I picked starvation so that it would be assured that Tommy died first. Who said I wasn’t smart?

God, I hate this bitch. Hate her so much.

PATRICE: Fuck you, Patrice.
You and your WWF pose can suck it.
STOP FRONTING! YOU'RE NOT A HARD ASS!
I can't look at this photo and critique folks, I just, I wish she would find herself in the St. Louis County Jail stat. Those bitches would put her in her place.

MAGNI

GINA: Either he is wearing a shirt made of leather (which, it is this show, so that might not be wrong) or Magni needs to acquaint himself with an iron, because this shirt as is just makes him look like he has all kinds of extra folds of skin, like a Pug, or Jabba the Hutt, or of course, alternately, like Star Jones Reynolds. That aside, he looks like a meek boy here, all too long sleeves and giant jug ears. Where’s the swagger, Magni? Or maybe a little confidence?

CRYSTAL: I know Magni isn't gay so why is he wearing Teflon? He doesn't need the wipeable clothing, does he? ...of course, he is around so many middle aged women wearing enough makeup to make them think they look about 17 badass years old...hmmm...he could possibly wear this handy material clothing in case he happens to rub up against the likes of Jill or Patrice or Dilana, or, you know, Lukas.

RYAN

GINA: So…yeah…Ryan looks intense and is wearing all black. Yawn. You know what Crystal, I take it back again, you can have him. I’m with Mel. Ryan is nothing but an evil, war mongering, son of Zion. I mean, his hoodie says it all. Nothing says “I love starting wars” like the Mohawk hoodie, which is, unfortunately, not shown here. I like how Ryan maybe knew that the hoodie was dumb, because he doesn’t feature it in the pic, but that totally didn’t stop him from wearing it in front of millions of people on television. Yeah, nice decision, genius.

CRYSTAL: Gina, are you sure this was the episode where he wore the Mohawk hoodie? This was the week you first fell in love with him as he tapped on the keyboards to your heart. Wouldn't it be wonderful is Ryan was a deaf/mute? He could just sign how much love he has for me and he could play piano by himself in a dark room where I can pretend I hear it but really I've got Flava of Love up pretty loud on the TV. Then I wouldn't have to hear how generic he sings or how much he hates Patrice and I could bitch about her myself to a truely captive audience. Oh my god, now I know what I need in a boyfriend! I love breakthroughs. STL School for the Hearing Impaired here I come.

ZAYRA

GINA: So this is where she begins to get a little bit too ambitious for her own good, but…and hate me if you must, bitch is barely doing it, but she is making it work. She looks like the most popular girl in a superhero’s whorehouse, but I can’t hate on her confident stance and knowing smirk. I mean, she even wore gloves. How can you not respect that a little? I know I can’t.

CRYSTAL: Was Zayra in Sin City and I totally missed her? Seriously all, she needs her own Cabaret show, like, immediately. She could kick so much ass dancing and singing with over the top, over exposed, gay men and their tranny boyfriends. Rockstar: SuperGerentologyWard is just all wrong for her...she has way too much style for a rockband.

LUKAS

GINA: So you remember on the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire and Will would turn his prep school jacket inside out because he was a loveable non-conformist from the ‘hood? I don’t know if any of you knew this, but Lukas obsessively collects Will Smith memorabilia, and this jacket is the actual jacket used in episode 3-22-A/N. That’s not the only throwback to the early 90’s in his attire. He is also rocking the gold chain clasp on said jacket, much in the manner of iconic rapper, M.C. Hammer. Actually, I kind of like that, from here on out, I will be referring to Lukas only as M.C. Cocksucker.

CRYSTAL: I like the idea that Lukas considers himself so cool he can "hang with the black folk" but choses to idolize the whitest black man ever (Will Smith). Because we all know real black guys would be completely apathetic to Lukas to his face, maybe even knocking knuckles, but when Lukas was gone there would be many a "that little white dude is fucked up," "yo, you sure he's white? he looks a little more keebler elf than white, man." "Straight. I could go fo some cookies right about now..." I could go for some cookies too, actually.

JOSH

GINA: Josh still looks like he had a record contract circa 1998 and had maybe a couple of minor radio hits and was unceremoniously dropped by his label a few years ago. He's still wearing the "rocker-lite" uniform of the era in a vain attempt to get pussy.

CRYSTAL: I just found out that Josh is from New Hampshire. No wonder he's so lame. No offense, Hampshirionians, but I think you guys only started using indoor plumbing some 20 years ago, right? I think I read that somewhere.


STORM

GINA: Storm is having her usual problem again, with her pants being a bit too short. This is what I mean about Storm and clothes. She should, God help me, be listening to the stylist more. He maybe would have told her that flat shoes would solve her problems. When Marty ran into the same problem last year, he rocked some striped socks and worked it like the King Bitch of fashion that he is. Storm is like the pot scubber on the King's estate. She's got a long way to go. Thankfully, she's awesome as a person and I am able to overlook her lack of asethetic ability. All in all, this esemble isn't so bad, considering that it's Storm.

CRYSTAL: The worst part is that Storm would look so kick ass is a well tailored black suit. That would be the absolute PERFECT look for her but what we end up with here is a cheap looking, whispy, too short, KMart failure. Storm! Email me! Remember it is rsfashiontragedy@yahoo.com. I will respond IMMEDIATLEY. I am always available for consultations.


Now, I know this post came in only a shade under a month from the last one...what??...so I'll provide my favorite people with this closing bit of hilarity.

Review from the latest issue of Rolling Stone Magazine:

The Band? The Panic Channel
The Star Count? 1 1/2 stars
The Review? The Debut disc from Dave Navarro's new band sounds a lot like a collection of rejected Foo Fighters tunes. Lead singer Steve Isaacs-best known from his days in the touring production of "Tommy"- sings every trite, earnest lyric in a faux Chris Cornell wail over ultra generico Navarro hard rock riffs. Sample line from the sappy power ballad "Why Cry": "I let you lie to me/ Plant seeds inside to see them grow/Only to leave them to die." Andy Greene.


"Ultra Generico" wah hah. Mr. Greene, the royal we, are pleased.

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae at 2:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

In a desperate attempt to keep the readers we have and perhaps have some of the new ones come back, I decided to stop punking around and do the next post.

So, Welcome Back!

I skimmed through an article by the new fashion stylist of Rockstar a couple weeks back. This man, who is not important enough to have his own little bio like our favorite fashion mavin, Ellie Mae, wrote that he is the one helping the rockers overcome styling obsticals such as 1. how many bracelets is deemed "too much?" Answer: no such thing. Or 2. can a faux hawk make my face skinnier? Answer: Always! The most interesting part of the article was the statement that, and this is not verbatim because I can't find the article again, said that he helps the rockers pick and chose the look that suits them best, but since they are Rawkers, they can tell him to shove it. It's hard here to tell who's look we're witnessing it is.

So we'll let you guys decide. Do you think these looks are the stylist's makings? or did the rockers tell him to shove it?



ZAYRA


CRYSTAL: Look at this bitch WORKING that spacey blue catsuit! How many people in the world have the confidence and eligance to wear this costume with success? I'm gonna say two and only because I am too lazy to think outside of that. Although Zayra committed a Cardinal Sin this week of singing a Blondie song and NOT ripping it to shreads, I am still feeling the vibe of a total Hot Ass Girl. This is the kind of confidence that I had wished so much for Jordis last season. The sad thing here is that if Jordis and Zayra were both up for the same recording contract, but it could only be given to one, I think most record execs would chose Zayra even though she sings like my obliviously tone deaf mother (who sings to bacon in grocery stores, umm, no joke). That's what a little confidence does, guys, it gets us all recording contracts.

GINA: Mark this under another Rock Star: Lesson Learned. The next time I accidentially watch MTV and I see some no talent asshole dancing it up on the big screen, and I think to myself, How the fuck did this happen? and contemplate suicide, I won't even bother with the getting a knife and sobbing for twenty minutes. I now know. It is caused by shallow people, easily hooked by a confident demeanor, much like Crystal and myself, in positions of authority. Because, and I swear this to you, if I were a record exec, I'd be on the phone with her people yesterday. It doesn't matter if you can't sing. Allow me to prove it to you. Crystal said that only two people could look good in this spacesuit. The other person is Madonna. Who is really good a lot of things like being cool and dancing. But we all know she can't sing. See? I can only echo Crystal when I say, Seriously, guys. Look at that bitch WORK IT.


TOBY


CRYSTAL: Toby's face is priceless. I have never seen anyone look more scared to have his picture taken. He probably heard from one of those aboriginals they have Down Under that a camera steals your soul and he got all paranoid with all the weed and 'ludes he's been taking. Toby's awesome...I'll bet he is so much fun to fuck with. Hey, he may be the answer to a male version of Suzie McCrybaby.

GINA: Crystal and I were discussing how much better we like it when the rockers pose for the photos, rather than it being shots of the performance show. At first I thought it was because you could see the whole outfit in all it's badness. But after seeing this, I am convinced it's because this whole photo shoot thing makes some of the rockers really uncomfortable and helps us to shape their fake personalities. On this day, for instance, Phil came up to him right before the shoot and was like, "Dude, I've got kind buds and a bong, let's get ripping". So they did, and right when they took that picture Phil was telling him all kinds of science shit and Toby's mind is, like, blown.


PATRICE


CRYSTAL: According to whichever mentally challenged person, who is apparently as blind as he is retarded, is writing the dead on blurbs by the rocker's pics Patrice is described as "making a statement." I think Patrice's needs to forget about making a statement and concentrate on the fact that she should consider herself lucky that someone so unimaginably lame has made it on television for the fourth week in a row. I think its time to head it on home and get a new tatoo to mark the event that "like, totally, changed my life and really made me who I am as an artist and a person." The tat will probably be something inspirational like a microphone with a rose around it. So, lets look at this debacle she's wearing. The fact that she shoplifted those pants and boots in the juniors section of Macy's, where everyday is a Rock 'n Roll day, pales in comparision to my opinion that she skinned an Ewok to get that jacket. And those little guys are probably endangered animals as it is...not cool, Patrice.

GINA: Hey, look everybody, It's Amelia Dorkhart! Patrice must be so secretly bitchy because people made fun of her clothes when she was growing up. This disaster of a woman has no fashion sense whatsoever. I know I've said that before, but I really mean it this time. This reminds me of Jenny Jones and how she would have those makeover shows and they'd have the person who brought the bad dresser on the show get a reverse makeover to show the other person how dumb or slutty they looked? Patrice is totally that Mom. She just wants her little girl to wipe that black crap off her face and start wearing cute things and be a normal girl, dammit.


LUKAS


CRYSTAL: Lukas looks like a rooster in this picture with his hair sticking up and chest jutting out and his feet far behind his body. He was probably trying to intimidate the other rockers showing them that he is the Cock of this Roost and it is he who is going to scare all the other boys away. He hasn't strayed from the old standard of black pants and white jacket, knowing oh so well, that it works for him. I'm sick of those rosaries though. Lukas, when the nun hands them to you, she wants you to say your Hail Mary's not wear them while singing about White Weddings and getting laid. Where's your mother to smack the back of your head?

GINA: I hate Lukas, everyone who will listen knows that, but I am going to give props to the modern-day dandy look that he wears so well. I would also take the rosariers and force them down his mugging, snotty, piehole, but it's not as annoying as it could be. You know, this season of the show is so horrible that I can't even get worked up about the people I hate. That's when you know you just don't care at all.


JOSH


CRYSTAL: Josh in his old standby of pajama bottoms, mismatched shirts, and big assed goofy smile make me want to put a pipe bomb under his pillow at night...just so I can sleep. Josh looks like someone poked him in the stomach Pillbury Dough Boy style and he just couldn't stop giggling. What rocker do you know who is worth their salt smiles this much? Do you think Pete Daughtery is smiling like that, Josh? No. He's worried about where he's going to get his next hit of smack. He can't be worried about smiling as well. You need to be cut a little deeper and hurt a little more otherwise you're gonna come off as the rocker that every woman wants to take home to mom. And that rocker? He sucks.

GINA: Dude, they put an implant in Pete, where, like, even if he does junk, it neutralizes in his system and won't get him high. I don't know what their doing about the crack, but they've cut him off at the knees, heroin-wise. Josh reminds me of a very specific breed of nerd. It's hard to explain, but it's like the weird dude that wears, like, bolero ties and big, baggy, black button ups with like a dragon silkscreened on it? And then a cheap, metal, ying yang on a piece of black string? And he overenunciates and speaks in this very clipped, precise, condescending manner? He really enjoys the works of Piers Anthony and Clive Barker? He was definitely in drama club, was probably the like, lighting guy or something? I guess I'm trying to say he looks like a pencil necked fantasy dork, but like, not in the "awww, that's almost sort of cute" way. More in the "shut up, annyoing fuck" way. Like I said, it's hard to explain if you've never encountered it.


STORM


CRYSTAL: Storm needs me as a personal assistant in a most dire way. I truely believe there is no other job for a 7 foot, beautiful, well singing woman to be than on the stage...but her attire?...it has gots to go. Being tall has as many disadvantages as it does assets. Sure every man wants to fuck you to "see what its like," but all your clothes can look like you can't find anything in your own size if you're not careful. That's the problem we have here tonight. It looks like she scammed that outfit off of Jill and Jill is no one to mess with...she's Italian after all. She probably has family in the mafia, 'cause all Italians do. I think its next week that Storm wears that black suit, so I'm gonna cut her some slack here. Plus, I like her, and I'm very very hypocritical.

GINA: I am really enjoying this picture. She looks like a fucking warrior. Like she's actually Amazonian, and these were the biggest clothes they could find, and if you keep on staring at her she will crush you with her thighs. I like Storm a lot, and while I don't think she's the biggest fashion distaster on this show (you heard me, Dilana), she could use some help. She's probably too busy being not annoying and decent to be bothered by things like clothes. Or she had a hard time finding stuff to wear growing up, because of the tall, leggy, factor. Clothes look uncomfortable on her, there's always a strangeness to the fit that doesn't work quite right.


DILANA


CRYSTAL: Alight, look. I know that the new Marie Antoinette movie is coming out soon but Dil-hole has gone way too far. I am going to have to forever ban pink from her wardrobe because she has abused it. I don't know where she got this ridiculous, over the top, lacy, bizarro ballerina costume but nothing will take the attention off the singer and put it on the clothes like dressing up as Little Bo Peep who has a fetish for getting spanked with her staff. Dilana, I'm ready for you to stop acting out your fantasies in front of all us good, conservative people. I'm getting all sick to my stomach.

GINA: This is a new nursery rhyme I've come up with. Feel free to share it with your children.

Little Ho Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them.
She'll be Baryshnikov's whore, forever more
Or until she's told she looks stupid.


PHIL


CRYSTAL: Phil looks pissed this week. I think someone must have just told him that the top he's wearing was from last season's Victoria's Secret catalog. Phil hates anything last season. At least he has mercifully covered up his stretched putty arms and might be standing up
straight (??). I'm glad Phil left this week. He's tired, downtrotted and he's gotta get back to New Jersey so he can wobble around in the next Wedding reception his manager signed him up for in case this whole "supernover" thing didn't work out.

GINA: Awwww, Phil looks like Shaggy, right down to the spindly arms and stoner glare. I don't know quite what he was going for, be it tough guy or more of his patented, "I'm only here cause they told me I'd be getting three square meals a day. That was such bullshit" languidness. Phil looks like I feel about this desecration of all that was awesome about summer 2005.


JILL


CRYSTAL: In the Book of Isaiah, God says to the people of Jerusalem "speak tenderly to Jerusalem and cry to her that she has served her term, that her penalty is paid, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins." In the Book of Crystal, Jill doesn't get off as easily as Jerusalem. Jill hasn't paid for her sins enough. We need to hammer a few more chunks of her ego away first. In this, another installment of Why I Hate People Like Jill, I will research Webisode #4.
2. Oh! What a surprise, Jill's a crybaby. In this webisode, the group is divided up into three groups to write lyrics to a shitty song track by the Superholes. Jill, who is as talented as she is tall, wasn't being heard by the other members of her group...especially Magni who wasn't gonna take any of her Italian sausage shit. So what does she do? Ah, she walks out in a regal manner of any center of attention Drama Queen and waits until someone comes to her to soothe the ruffled feathers of her fake blonde hair. So, yeah, still hate her. No one who acts like a spoiled child should be a show with people who are seemingly, honestly cool. She's gonna taint people. I hate taint.

GINA: I hate Jill mostly because looks like an uppity stripper in all of her pictures. Like she's always down on the other girls and the club, because she can sing and dance. She's just doing it to make some money before she's a big star, and that makes her better than the rest of you bitches who are just dirty sluts. I don't know about you guys, but I like my strippers down-to-earth and without prejudice. Maybe that's just me.

DANA


CRYSTAL: Wow, who is this girl? If I didn't know that was Dana, I would never have recognized her. It's like she went to sleep and woke up cool. How does that happen? I'm going to have to get in touch with her and ask how she did that. If we could bottle the secret we could make a fortune. The first customers would be the three old-timers in the thrones to the back of the audience.

GINA: I feel like a proud mother. I know I didn't have anything at all to do with her transformation, but I'm taking credit anyway. I don't really know what happened either. While the new stylists has proved himself to be not quite so bad as our dearly detested Ellie Mae, he's no God of fashion, either. I'm giving most of the credit to Crystal and myself, with a little for Dana. Maybe she saw the pictures they were taking of her and she was like, "Uh, I'm way prettier than that."


RYAN


CRYSTAL: This week Ryan is a traveling businessman who circles the world organizing and funding orphanages for children who have lost everything to mad cow disease and the west nile virus all through the third world countries of Earth (you know, in his spare time from being a businessman.). He dresses down in the third world countries because, as other people have told me, there is nothing worse than a showoff.

GINA: Ryan is starting to bore me. Everything is all black; black like his soul. If Ryan is still clinging to this brooding, wounded, and angry persona at this age, I can't even imagine what he was like as a teenager. He probably went to school in blackface and wasn't sure why everyone was giving him dirty looks. He's sad, you guys, not racist!


MAGNI


CRYSTAL: In my opinion, anyone who does the Scott Stapp Arms Wide Open gesture, uh ever, should be shot to death on site. No judge. No jury. Just execution. How embarassing is it for us to have to watch a foreigner, who is perhaps unawares at the infinite toolness of S. Stapp, to do the gesture that made an entire country hate him for his total lack of shame? How much does it cost to get Vh1 in Iceland? He may want to invest in it so that he can avoid this sort of public humiliation next time 'round.

GINA: Alright, Magni. I'm sorry. But you are officially not sort of hot anymore. I like to think that no one has as crappy taste as America and that Creed was never popular anywhere else, but I doubt it. Didn't Josh sing a Creed song on the show? There are no excuses. Where I come from any reference to Creed is swiftly followed by the Messiah pose, I can only assume that this is a widespread phenomena. He knew. And he did it anyway.

Posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae at 4:33 PM | Permalink | Comments

In this, yet another, slow to come post I just want to say one thing. Readers, think about how great it will be at the end of the season, when you're still jonesing for more Rockstar, Tommy and bad fashion and you realize you still have WEEKS of Rockstar: A Fashion Tragedy to go. Won't it be wonderful? I think it might be. That's why its taking so long to post new tragedies; we're mostly thinking of you.

With that aside it has been a love/hate season so far for us guerrilla fashionistas. The fashion is tragic, thank the Lord, so we still have a job over here in 'ol MO. But the show is almost too horrible to watch. I think one thing that would help tremendously, and feel free to pass this along to the show's producers anybody, would be: STOP POINTING THE CAMERA AT THE THREE SPRINGTIME FRESH DOUCHE BAGS IN THE BACK. All the looks on their faces tell me they make every grimmace, head bang, and arm gesture knowing that at any moment the camera is on them. If they had their heads up their own asses any farther they may be able to watch the performances through their nipples. I'm just saying. Less Supercan'tbaretowatchanymore, more, oh God, Dave Navarro? Ah, Jesus. I think I need to start going back to church. I feel dirty.

Laters,
Crystal



DANA



CRYSTAL: Poor, poor Dana. It's too much like bullying to make fun of Dana anymore. I'll bet she had a really horrible childhood filled with alcoholic parents, runaway pets, empty cupboards, and more importantly no friends helping out in the "cool" department. That being said, this is a good picture of her. Her face doesn't look all smooshed in at the bottom and her hair is pretty rad, not flat and lifeless, which is always a nice change. And, amazingly, I do like those jeans. My main concern is that I don't like it when people like Dana wear cruxifixes...reason being is that I think she really does believe in Jesus and His love and it doesn't work with the whole "I wanna be a bad ass rocker" vibe. When Dana wears a cross it looks like she should be Christian-Rocking for Christ. Not rocking for three over the hill losers. It's a dichotomy I don't enjoy.

GINA: Dana looks not so fresh from the trailer, and you're right, this angle is a lot more flattering for her. Now she just looks like a girl rather than "A Poor Man's (enter name of young, brunette, celebrity here)".



PHIL



CRYSTAL: I appreciate the amount of time and pain it takes to get a tatoo. I realize there is usually months of preparation in deciding, getting drunk and proceeding. I just think that if you are a dude with arms that looks like two Twizzlers with ink stains then you should still do us all a favor and forget about going sleeveless. If you still want to show off the tats, just pull up your sleeve and flex. That way we can laugh at you to your face.
And is it just me, or is anyone else beginning to think that all these guys with soul patches are really just too chicken shit to commit to anything in their life? Let's look at this Phil. I mean, you start not wanting to grow your whole mustache out because you "just don't know, man, that's a lot to worry about" the next thing you know your girlfriend kicks you out of the garage apartment the two of you shared because you wouldn't cough up the dough to buy her that cheap ass engagement ring when in reality you won't buy it because you think you might get someone better later. But you won't, Phil, you won't. Be a man. Make a commitment.

GINA: It's not that Phil can't commit, it's that he's too tired. Because they expect him out of bed at like 9 o'clock. Ummmm, hello, dudes? Phil doesn't roll like that.


DILANA



CRYSTAL: Dilana's kinda worn out her welcome in Casa des Crystal. I think I mixed up two languages there. Fuck it. Her speaking voice swarms of a chain smoking tar build up and she looks like a beer guzzling, trash bag who still thinks Goth is cool and probably does her own hair and freakshow piercings. Usually I would think something like sleeves of tatoos and holes in faces on a broad is pretty cool. I know I don't have the balls to do it, so when I see it on someone else there is a certain sense of respect and awe. Unfortunatly for Dil, after watching the reality shows and just knowing how desperate for attention she is and her complete lack of self esteem, she looses all her Absolute Zero coolness. This outfit is just what I would expect out of that sort of person. She looks like one large drug charge and a probation violation away from being an inmate at the jail I work for.

GINA: You know, compared to some of the other things she's worn (like next weeks "Whore Tea Party" dress) this looks not bad. It makes her shoulders look nice, she doesn't have fatty sides or four-boob. As far as a corest goes, this is nice. I'm glad I don't watch the webisodes (uh, guys, at this point, I'm forcing myself to even watch the real show) so that I can't share in your hate of her. She can't dress worth a shit, but she's still pretty bad ass in my book.



LUKAS



CRYSTAL: This performance week I had a text message from my friend Betsy informing me that me and Lukas should get married and have beautiful babies. I have to say, I didn't know exactly how to take this. I don't know if I have the dominant genes it would take to make Lukas' wierd eye position, turned up nose, heavy eyebrows, giant head and overall asshole demeanor all recessive and THUS end up producing a "beautiful baby." Betsy, what exactly was it that you were thinking? It would take a supermodel to make that statement true. I really don't know if she thought I was so incredibly beautiful that it would override Lukas' looks or she just thinks "You know, he's wierd. Crystal's wierd too. They should make some wierd looking little kids." If I know Betsy, it was definitley the latter. 'Cause, in all seriousness, we all know that wierd kids are cuter than hell. The best thing we could hope for in this merger is that the kids would have my and Lukas' impeccable sense of fashion.

GINA: I like Bestsy, but I don't trust her opinions when it concerns you and men. Lukas is going to have a hard time making cute babies, period. No matter who the mother is. There's a lot of wrongs going on with his face, he is lucky that he's cool. I mean, he's totally still a snotty little bitch, but he usually looks good while doing it. I'm gonna take a pass on this one, because starting next week he begins to get a bit too big for his britches, and I've got to conserve.


JILL



CRYSTAL: I told Gina that I was dedicating my most hateful posts to Jill until that supertwat gets kicked off. I have reached new level of wrath that one can only reach when confronted by the worst kind of person. Enter: Jill. I am not even going to get into the clothes this week, because, this one? Just too f-in easy. She knows exactly how to rock that "I'm too old to be doing this shit" look.
So, may I present the first installment of Why I Hate People Like Jill-------
1. Jill blamed the fact that she was embarrassed (because she humped Gilby and he called her out on her ruthlessly over the top performance) and started yelling and arguing with him about it because "I'm Italian, I have to argue. Don't mess with Italians!" There is nothing more annoying than being a childish, ignorant, steaming pile of racist and blaming a stupid stereotype as a reason why you don't have the capacity to sit down and keep your mouth shut. Let's not blame an entire country for your mouth, Jill. Let's just blame your Italian mother who didn't abort you when she had the chance. More to come next week!

GINA: Jill is lucky that she was even selected to be on the show, considering the slighest suggestion of her whiskey cured voice sends me into shivering flashbacks of Ladies Night at the Baja Rock Club. If this were America's Best Bar Band, Jill would have a shot. She offends me with her strongheaded notion that she may be more than that. No she isn't. Look at her. Do you think star? Or do you think, Oh that's the bitch that tends bar over at that place where all the old alcholics hang out?

Yeah, that's what I thought.



JOSH



CRYSTAL: I cannot believe this man has lasted this long. He must drive the girls loco, otherwise, I don't know who would vote for him. Although, I'm sure there are still legions of DMB fans out there who have working cell phones. I guess that's the trick. The description this week says that Josh is "going casual" as though its a different thing for him. Josh is the epitome of casual and probably would develop a fever rash and boils if anyone tried to put him in a suit and tie. I just can't do anything with this man. He is so lackluster and uninspiring. I'll be glad when he's gone...unless he starts shaking things up a little. But, being the eternal pessimist, I'm going to assume that is neva-gonna-happen.

GINA: I want to sneak into his house and throw away all his earrings, hair gel, and hats. Josh really needs to work on an update for his look, because he always looks like one of those guys that were in bands in the mid to late 90's. Shit like LFO and Dishwalla. He's very outdated. Plus, if you're going to go for the whole, "I don't give a shit, I just threw on some jeans, yo" style, you might not want to sport a finnicky, well maintained, coif. It sends out all kinds of mixed messages, all of which basically mean that you are retarded.



STORM



CRYSTAL: I like Storm. She is the sanest one of the bitches in that house and she puts on a pretty mean show. I especially liked her the next week when she sang Anything, Anything by Dramarama. Since I don't have much on Storm this week, I have a little present, here is the video for that song by Dramarama and the lead singer is the funniest thing this side of Mel Gibson getting arrested and Patrick Swayze defending him. It's not the best quality, but, you'll get the essence.

Anything, Anything: Dramarama: The hair, the opened shirt, oh, the hilarity.

GINA: I like this picture of her. She looks so pretty and sultry. I like it enough to forgive the transulcent panel on her shirt. Also Patrick Swayze started defending Mel Gibson?! What?! Do they even know each other? And where is Roadhouse 2? In case you can't tell, this Mel Gibson situation tops even Charlie Sheen calling his wife the n-word, in my book. Why? Because Charlie never wrote and directed a movie about Jesus or patted himself on the back for being the most Catholic man in the land. Oh god, this is so funny I could die.



MAGNI



CRYSTAL: Gina's new boyfriend looks like the exact same cardboard cutout every week. He probably just keeps wearing the same shirt and pants and then secretly laughs at all of us because we don't notice his clothes. I mean how could we what with him being such a tremendous entertainer? His voice is all we can concentrate on as it soaks into our minds and has us trancing with the "All in Iceland is Awesome" mantra. Magni, get out of my dreams and into my car so I can drive you to an Old Navy and you can pick up a new T-shirt or two. My treat.

GINA: Oh, Jesus. I really, really, really, really, need to start looking ahead at these things, so that when I say someone is sort of hot one week, I'll know if he's going to wind up looking like a penis with a nose the next. His face is too long for those horrible, oversized sunglasses. Here's a tip. Only wear the huge, honkin' glasses if you have an oval shaped face. If not, you are going to look dumb. You guys know I'm always looking out for you. He looks like a paler version of creepy Ric Damone in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.



JENNY



CRYSTAL: Jenny's grandma picked her up a Rockstar Barbie this week and Jenny, being the bitch she is, stole Barbie's clothes and wore them. I like how this picture perfectly demonstrates what Gina and I have been saying about Jenny and her vigorous need for an ice-cream sandwich. The hip bone poking out through the jean is a definite indicator of the fact that Jenny is so skinny she will never be able to carry a child to full term unless OBGYNs develop some way to carry the baby around in a fannypack. I'm surprised she even has the energy to smile for this picture. If I were her, I'd be hooked up to a feedbag in the hospital, watching episodes of Celebrity Fit Club.

GINA: Jenny knew she was headed home this week, so she set up an audition for the WWE right after the taping, and she didn't have time to change. They told her that she'd have to get fake tits and bleach her hair some more, but she was cool with it. She's expected to build some muscle and she is really excited about reintroducing soild foods to her diet. So am I.


RYAN



CRYSTAL: Aww, look how when I told Ryan to smile for me, he did. Such a good man. Always doing what I say. A lot better than some other boyfriends who wouldn't even shop for a tie. I don't know how anyone could look at Ryan in this picture and not fall in love.
Gina? Don't you have something to tell me? Maybe apologize for??

GINA: Fine. I take it back. Ryan is hot. Jews may start all of the world's wars, but get me one behind a piano and I lose it. There is this disconnect for me with him, mostly because of his put-upon sensitivity. I still don't think he's nearly as tortured as he wants us to believe. But yeah, he's displaying a high amount of jewboy hotness here, which if you knew me at all, is one of my favorite types of all time.



PATRICE



CRYSTAL: This crazy c*nt is gonna get it if I meet her on the street. And since Patrice is surely going back to good old Texas any day now and I have no plans to visit the South anytime soon, I can say that with a certain amount of confidence. Did you see how she bitchy she was to my boyfriend, Ryan, last week? Don't tell him to shut up, Patrice! If anyone needs to shut it, it would be an over the hill, crazy eyed, bad dressing, wig wearing "singer" who is NOT as fierce as she thinks.
And furthermore, what is up with the scrunched potato sack that she is wearing? I hope she asked Ryan if she looked alright before they left the house and he said she looked beautiful just be be an asshole to her. She deserves it.

GINA: Patrice has finally revealed herself to be a "secret bitch". This type is worst of all becuase they are cunning and will only exhibit themselves as the montsters they are in small crowds or around people they deem unimportant. The rest of the time they are all toothy smiles and crinkly eyes. Like in this picture here: Her face says Oh man, this is just the bestest time ever! I love TLee and Supernova! I totally knew who Gilby Clarke was before all this started, too! I'm having so much fuuuuuuuun!. But what she's really thinking is I am the best person to ever grace this stage. When I get back to the mansion tonight, I'm going to make a bunch of jokes about Dana eating cake and make her feel all bad....hmmm....maybe I should say that to Jenny. Then maybe she'd have to drop the competition after she passes out from lack of food. Eh, she's going home anyway. I can't wait until we get back, I'm totally gonna make that Dana bitch cry.


TOBY



CRYSTAL: Toby. I don't know. The look just doesn't work. The jacket, going for a retro 80s look, I'm sure, doesn't flow with the time and ends up looking like something found in a box in the basement after a flood. His jeans don't fit right in the crotch area (probably because of the tapering at the bottom) and he ends up looking like a unich. And while I would normally like those white, leather boots, they end up shouting "I'M DESPERATE FOR VOTES." Try again, Toby, try again.

GINA: Toby is the only one that I think really wants it. You can see it in his eyes. Plus, you can tell by the way he's trying to fill the "Marty Casey: I'm a Good Guy" role. Kissing ass always gets on my nerves, especially when you are kissing the ass of three of the biggest wastes of flesh on this planet. Not that everyone on this show hasn't done that at some point, (except Zayra, which is why I love her) but Toby polishes the apple a little bit brighter than everyone else. Oh, Toby, those guys don't care about the band, and even if you do win, they aren't going to care about you. I think we need to have a talk called, "Just becasue they'll fuck you doesn't mean they love you". It's a little painful, but I think you'll be a better man for it.


ZAYRA



CRYSTAL: I think this will be one of the only time I really don't like what Zayra is wearing (and, no, I haven't forgot the blue jumpsuit). She looks a little too Abba: Gold for me here and while I still think she's the coolest woman on this show (and still love Abba), she looks dated and unimpressive. I do love her hair here, though. She's still got that awesome hair. It will make her a rockstar yet!

GINA: She has the best hair ever. For reals. I agree with you, she's looking a bit too much like a presenter at the Mexican Daytime Emmys. Which is awesome in it's own way, but not in the "Hey, wait, this is actually awesome" way I've come to expect from Zayra. It's too dowdy for her. I actually really like the dress and think that it would look good one someone like Gwyneth Paltrow, but not on our girl, Z. Say what you will about her, but don't front. Bitch works the clothes like no one on this show, ever.

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