Monday, July 17, 2006

Week Two-Slightly Late, but Just As Horrible

So, this ran a little late. Sorry about that folks. Turns out it takes time to get to know the rockers a little before you are able to make fun of them they way they deserve. We can't promise it won't run late again. We suck.

The show has been very distressing for me in one regard. Somehow Brooke (Seriously, Brooke won me forever with her kindness to Zayra) and Dave have managed to become the best part of the show. (Besides the House Band, which is a given) I want my innocence back. I want back the time I had before even an inkling of affection for these two. You have changed me forever, Rock Star, and I hate you for it.

Gina



JILL GIOIA

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GINA: First off, I hate Courtney Love. I think she hooked Kurt, I think she was his enabler and his supplier, and I find it disgusting that she continues to profit off his death. Not that that stopped me from buying his journal (complete with message saying essentially, "Please never publish this.") or anything. I figure Frances can use whatever she can get after having to be raised by Lady Macbeth. Hopefully her Mom doesn't blow it all on oxycontin and plastic surgery before she turns 18. Anyways. Do you know what the perfect accessory for a tarty, biker wedding dress is? Combat boots and tube socks. That reeks of elegance and class.

CRYSTAL: The best part of the night was Jill's abhorant, boldface, compeletly see-through LIE that she was in no way trying to imitate Courtney Love and she was projecting her own vision of the song with this ensemble. Jill, we, your viewers, we are a little dumb. I will give you that. We have convinced ourselves that its just a little alright to watch a reality singing competition because we "can make fun of it." But, we're not THAT dumb, alright. We know its not cool to be told by Dave Nevarro that we are merely a poor imitation to a piece of 21st Century Class A White Trash, but, you know that's what you were doing. If you want to wear a recycled wedding dress from Madonna's Like a Virgin Tour with the ugliest pair of cowboy boots they sell in the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen line, then fine, do it.
Just admit it and move along.

GINA: There is nothing more sad than getting called out on your shit by Dave Navarro. Who, it must be said, is a lot more awesome this summer. I don't know if this speaks of the lower overall quality of the show, or if it speaks for my love of bitches. Because My God, he is being one this year and I like it.

CRYSTAL: I really can't believe that they have found three more unfunny, more smarmy, more horrifically past the point of mattering people on the face of the earth than Dave Navarro. Word to you, Mr. Burnett. This could be your first miracle "performed" when you're up for Sainthood.

GINA: I know, it feels really weird to laugh with him instead of at him.


RYAN STAR

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GINA: I guess Ryan got tired of everyone asking him what happened to his arms, so he has wisely decided to start cutting himself where no one can see. Ryan always looks like he's confused about how he got here. Like he was just going up to the corner store to buy smokes, and he some how wound up at the Mayan and on TV. He's not really sure what's going on, but he knows he doesn't like it. Which causes him to cut himself. It's a vicious cycle.

CRYSTAL: This week I'm going to imagine that Ryan broke some ribs while jumping out of a moving vehicle whilst saving our country from the latest threat of nuclear attacks. He's part of a super-secret-special-forces team dedicated to bringing the hurt down on terrorists all the while leaving young lady's hearts broken in cities around the US of A. He's pose is saying "Baby, you're a fine girl. What a good wife you would be. But my life, my love and my lady is America."

GINA: You can never go wrong with a Brandy joke. I would pay good money to have someone sing that to me every night before I go to bed. Just not Ryan.

CRYSTAL: I'm on my way over right now, tuning my singing voice in the car.


STORM LARGE

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GINA: Storm looks like she should be on the cover of "18 and Ready to Fuck" with her overgrown schoolgirl pigtails. This show is all for destroying my illusions about humanity, and I had naively thought that people quit drawing designs on their shirts with a Sharpie once they got to be a certain age, but I was wrong. She reminds me of this girl in middle school that used to make her own GUESS t-shirts out of puffy paint. So, that in itself is sort of sad and not worthy of ridicule, but she spelled it GEUSS. I'm sorry, but that is hilarious.

CRYSTAL: You've gotta help me out, folks. I don't get a lot of "art." Does her shirt mean that, figuratively, her love is upside down? Or that our love for her is upside down? Or is just literally that she put the pillowcase with her drawing on upside down? Again, so many interpretations...so little interest. People like Storm are so literally shallow when they feel they are being figuratively deep.

GINA: Yeah, I don't think Storm is fooling anyone into to thinking that she's a big time intellectual. Nice try, though.

JENNY GALT

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GINA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA......oh....sorry....that was just me laughing at Jenny's tough girl face. I could break off one of her legs with no hands, eat it, and still be hungry afterwards. This photo is feeding my theory that Jenny is by far the least confident and most insecure of the female rockers. When you feel good, like a shit kicker, like someone who is gonna take this stupid show by the balls and squeeze (see Dilana and Zayra for examples), you don't have to make cutesy-poo growl faces. Because, like, isn't it so totally, adorable when little girls make scary faces? Aren't I just the most precious thing you ever saw? And she still needs to really, really, really needs to eat. I can see her skull.

CRYSTAL: This look is so old that even that wierd looking chick from the Black Eyed Peas has mercifully covered up her stomach in recent photos. Is it really necessary to cut up three shirts to make midriff exposers? If you were afraid you were going to get cold, Jill, maybe you should have used some of those low calorie brain waves that may still exist and, oh I don't know, wear a whole shirt.
And! And! Is that a DRAGON print on the red shirt? There are no words to describe how uncool this is. How about: as uncool as my mother's tapered jeans. Get your head out of your ass, Jill, and put it in a big bowl of pasta. Food is brain power.

GINA: I like to imagine that when she got kicked off she was on the phone with the Chinese delivery place even before the show went off the air. She's all relieved and shit, because now that she's not going to be on television anymore, she is allowed to eat more than unlimited diet coke, a handful of candy corn, and three green beans. Oh, Jenny, I worry about you, truly, I do.


JOSH LOGAN

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GINA: Throw away the thermal. Or at least get one in a color that is flattering. If you are going to insist on wearing flannel all the time, at least have the decency to not clash. Its not asking for much. He just walked off the set of "Singles 2: Yes, We Can Already Be Nostalgic For This Shit."

CRYSTAL: It is never a good thing when an idol of yours happens to be Ethan Hawke, circa WHENEVER. Josh is again promoting the fact that he in no way belongs in this competition for any reason including singing or fashion style. MAYBE if you were auditioning to be the long lost son of Neil Young this look would be appropriate, but not Supernoooo!va. They are way to full of themselves to wear flannel and he is decidely makeup-less. If you were chosen you will always going to be the sore thumb with an ugly, festering hangnail, Josh. Get out now while you still have some decency.

GINA: Eh, we should never aspire to be like Ethan Hawke except in the "I banged Uma" sense. We should all be so lucky as to bang Uma Thurman. I'd totally go gay for her gangly ass.


TOBY RAND

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GINA: Toby is that guy at Ozzfest that sells fake Ecstasy to dumb fourteen year olds. He's also schtupping his third cousin and will eventually wind up on an especially entertaining episode of Cheaters.

CRYSTAL: Oh how I loathe my job and the fact I can't stay up late anymore to watch Cheaters. Such trash. Such beauty. Anyway back to Toby. The best part about Toby is that his speaking voice is HILARIOUS. He looks like such a tough guy, all tanned and buffed from years of camping and doing other outdoorsy things that I am ignorant to. His singing voice is low and gruff, matching his camo shirts and dirty jeans. But his speaking voice? Hah. He sounds like someone took a recording and played it in fast forward. You think he'd fake that too, like his highlights, and speak lower. But he doesn't and, God help me, I'm starting to like him for it.

GINA: I like how he adds "mate" to everything, just in case we forget that he's from Australia, or New Zeland, or whatever. Even MiG, who would have walked around completely nude all last season if he thought it'd get him votes, didn't do that. And if this show is drawing the same kind of crowd it was last year, taking some advice from his fellow Aussie and going shirtless would be a better option. You'd be surprised by how many horny women like Rock Star. I never thought there would be a crosspoint between Coldplay and Chippendales, but there you go.

CRYSTAL: True that, mate.


CHRIS PEIRSON

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GINA: His hair looks like it belongs on a 16th century Italian fresco painted by someone gayer than Michelangelo. Chris is the sort of Rocker that wears his desperation on his sleeve. Literally. He's so busy trying to appeal to every sort of fan, that he looks like a hodgepodged, hot mess. He's got the leaves on his jacket to appeal to the hippies and the Dave Matthews fans, a white jacket for the scenesters, a thumbs through thermal for the teenage misfits, and a fluffy crown of magnificent curls for the Enya/Yanni/John Tesh fans (I refuse to recongnize that shit as a real musical category). It's no wonder he got kicked off this week. Being desperate never made anyone love you. At least he proved how awesome he is at being really, really, lame.

CRYSTAL: This outfit has forever banned Chris to the 8th Ring of Hell. An endless, rotating tour of lowgrade, embarrassing bar performances, with only an acoustic guitar and cover songs for defense, surrounded by drunk and unappreciative college kids waiting for the star act. Chris will never be seen again. That is one powerful ensemble.

GINA: I like how the acutal pieces of fabric that make up his outfit look sort of ill-fitting and ashamed of him. He has managed to embarass pants. That's amazing.



DILANA

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GINA: Every Halloween I hit up our local seasonal costume SuperStore and I always feel kind of sorry for the models they use on the merchandise. There's nothing you can do from keeping the goods from looking cheap and like they were constucted by Asian toddlers. Because they are both of those things. Yeah. Dilana, she is one of those models right now. She's still cool and everything, but even Stevie Fucking Nicks knows that you can't wear a hooded cape. You just can't.

CRYSTAL: I am still unimpressed with Dilana. She is a dirty representation of something that spawned out of an ashtray and Charmed on the WB. I'll bet she practices wiccan and preaches that if you really believe it, you can make it happen. Any one of us can find her sneaking out of a Earth mother store with magic crystals and incense in her hemp bag. Dilana...do something better for me, we're at a crossroads, you and me. We're in serious risk of me hating you forever.

GINA: God, you are so right on the Wicca shit. I didn't want to believe it so bad that I was trying to tell myself, Oh, she probably just really into vampires or something, and then I realized that often coincides with the being a Wiccan. Which, I think that all religion talk is a little weird, because I have no soul, but Wicca talk is by far the worst. Oftentimes the devotee smart, takes the whole thing really seriously, and is working the dramatic gestures and big words to a uncomfortable degree. Then you find yourself alone with her in an incence saturated room, eyes burning, watching someone that had been your friend right up until that very moment, perform, and I do mean perform, a spell intended to make her more popular with boys than her rival, who was her best friend and belle of the weekend Renaissance battle reenactments (or LRPG) she attended, and you were willing to look past her weekend activities because she was cool, but now you just can't, because she has breached your capacity for fruity shit, which is also why you can't be friends with people that introduce themselves as poets. Not that I ever knew anyone who did that kind of thing. Ever in my life.

CRYSTAL: Hey, for those of us too cool to know, what the hell is LRPG??

GINA: Oh, God. It's a Live Action Role Playing Game. Please excuse me while I don't show face in public for the next five years.


PATRICE PIKE

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GINA: Patrice is still an elementary school teacher to me. Please allow me to share with you one of the songs she sings to the children:

Come on children, gather round
Its time to visit Alphabet Town
A is for angel, peaceful and sweet
B is for Bunny, who's no good to eat
C is for Certified Organic, for which you should look,
because pesticides will give you cancer and supporting the mass poisoning of the children should be punishable by death, and won't your mommies cry when you rot away and fall asleep forver?
Also
Everyone is Special.

CRYSTAL: Everyone is indeed special. Even Gina, for whom her mother and I are working day and night to get her into the best state run nut house we can find. Jesus. If Patrice is an elementary school teacher than this is the scariest, creepiest, and apparently winged teacher ever. Except for our choir teacher in high school who had black, dead eyes and a taste for the young-ins. Hey, maybe those two should get together.

GINA: I just see her addressing a bunch of third graders and using expressions like, "Progressive agenda", "Frankenfoods", "Sustainable living", "Meat is Murder". It's her face. She looks like a teacher. Yeah, that was pretty awesome about our choir teacher. You always knew there was something sexually deviant about him, but I thought it was repressed homosexuality, but bad on me for stereotyping, turns out it was fourteen year old girls.


ZAYRA ALVAREZ

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GINA: Zayra's like my really cool foreign cousin who can get away with wearing shit straight out of a Billy Idol video and still be really awesome. Because she's not from here and has got her own sort of hotness going on. She had to make due with what she had, and you're lucky her catsuit isn't made out of coffee tins. She could have lived here most of her life, I don't know, but yeah, for the third week in a row, I still think she's a style maven. Not that anyone else should try dressing like her, because they shouldn't.

CRYSTAL: I do have a hard time with Zayra. She is an undoubtably cool broad who can dress up like a retooled version of Olivia Newton John in Grease and still look better than anyone else on this godforsaken show (You're the one that I want! Ooh Ooh Ooo. Yes, I hate that movie too.) but the girl can't sing and this being a singing competition it's just hard to look past all that screeching and high pitched noise. Now, saying that, I believe you get this chick in a studio and fiddle with the sound machine gizmos and button thingees, we could have the facade of a full package here. She'll always be a great performer and true fans will dismiss the lack of natural singing ability. I'm solving problems, folks, it's what I do.

GINA: That's exactly what I was thinking. Either make her into some tempremental producer diva or auto tune the crap out of her and never let her tour or sing live. I could live with that if all her music was bloopy and futuristic. I kinda like it, but you're right, bitch can't sing.


DANA ANDREWS

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GINA: Oh, sweetheart, what have they done to you? Why did no one save you from yourself or otherwise? This is something an eight year old wears at a dance recital. Well, stillettos aside. Your hair is limp and blah, you're wearing stripes with cheetah print, you are wearing pink zippers over your tits...what is wrong with you? You know it was all fun and games calling Jessica the poor girl and stuff, but I feel really pretty bad about calling Dana one. Because if she is not from a trailer, I will shave Dave Navarro's balls....with my teeth. So, I'm going to have to find a new gimmick for her because she is making me feel about 452 different kinds of uncomfortable.

CRYSTAL: I have been reminded of Dave Navarro's balls one too many times during the course of these two seasons. I'm gonna google a picture of the balls. I just need to see them. Just once. For closure.
Dana looks like she got fashion advice from her cantgetright second cousin who ran away from home to become a "real movie star" in Hollywood but ended up saying "fuck it" and instead does cheap, low quality porn with fat, hairy men. Dana...go home...you've embarassed the family more than your cuz.

PHIL RICHIE

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GINA: Awwww, it's so cute when Phil tries. I like this guy despite myself, mostly because of the lethargy. He could just as soon be at home listening to the messages on his answering machine as he could be performing on a reality show. I don't know if he intentionally looks like Judd Nelson, but there it is. He's ready for the inevitable remake of The Breakfast Club. ***INSIDER FACT: Actually, this one is for real. My ex worked on a TV movie that shot here awhile back and Judd was fond of announcing after a long day's work, "ANYONE ELSE READY TO GO TO THE QUEEN (local casino) AND PICK UP SOME TRANNIES?" People were unsure as to whether or not he was joking. My ex didn't think he was. If I can work in a Major Dad reference somewhere down the road, I have a Gerald McRaney story, too. I know you can't wait. I am the next Perez Hilton.***

CRYSTAL: Hah. It looks like the photographer finally gave up and posed Phil himself. The photog did the best he could, but Phil's arms and torso are more like a GI Joe than Stretch Armstrong. Nothing was working exactly right which gave way to this bent over, awkward, wierdly non-sexual posture. He even made Phil's smile by pushing up the sides of his mouth with his index fingers. It would so suck to be Phil's photographer. I would quit. Or laugh myself into a coma.


LUKAS ROSSI

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GINA: Man, it doesn't take long for a person to go from cool to annoying, snotty, little, pipsqueak, does it? He's got that little person head, and isn't doing himself any favors by drawing more attention to it. He's lacking the killer style he needs to distract us from the truth. Which is that he's...not very attractive. For the one dude that reads this (hi, Sid!), this is what music can do for you. You could look like a midget in photos, like, enough to give the average person pause, you can look like Clint Howard's long lost brother, you can be balding and insist on the faux hawk, and you will still get laid like mad and have people love you. Of course, this doesn't apply if the rocker in question is a woman. She still has to be really hot, because that's the only thing broads are good for.

CRYSTAL: I can't help but think that Lukas would be a great poster child for some sort of disability that occurs when a doctor poorly delivers an infant. You know, the doctor squeezed too hard on the forceps and Lukas popped out with that wierdly shaped head and wide set eyes. Of course, it hasn't hindered his taste in fashion...this outfit is pretty good...even with the stupid crucifixes. Plural.

GINA: Yeah, it'd be a lot better without them, but as much as get gets on my nerves, and believe me he does, he is a fantastic dresser. Damn him.


MAGNI AGIERSSON

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GINA: Ugh, I don' t know what my problems is, and I can't believe I'm actually admitting to this, but I think Magni is kind of hot. He's a tall, white, guy so if you are going to go by my romantic history, he fits right in, but that's a rather broad category. I normally don't go for this. The lame sunglasses, the bald head, the translucent skin. Hmmm...I don't know...I don't really even enjoy him that much as a performer. He's not bad, not great, but yeah...kind of hot. I have nothing to back this statement up as fact, but I'm a little bit weird. Ask anyone.

Okay, I wrote the above awhile ago and had to come back really quick because I just watched the latest performance show (week four) and I now know what is up with the attraction to Magni. He's an asshole. Everything makes a lot of sense now. If he's a funny asshole, (cause that Zayra snap was pretty weak) my heart may be stolen forever.

CRYSTAL: Eww. Funny or not...Gina...One word, two syllables: soulpatch.

GINA: It's gross, I know...I'm so sorry. For you for having to be my friend and for myself. Mostly for myself.


JASON NEWSTED

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GINA: Jason reminds me of uncomfortable conversations I have had with my elders (almost always men) about music. They'll ask, and I usually say, "Oh, I like rock and roll." and will name something like CCR so that we can find a common ground. But that's not good enough for some folks, and they press you for details and I generally say something like, "Well, I listen to a lot of crap that most people have never ever heard of because I have a lot of time on my hands, and I suppose I will always be kind of a snob. But, I like a good pop song." and the reply is always, "Stuff like Metallica?" and I say yes because it's easier. But then they want to talk about "hard rock" and there's this point where they say something that doesn't make sense to me. For instance, one time this older gentleman at my work asked me if I like Soad. Ummm....what the fuck is a Soad? He meant System of a Down, which, no thank you, unless it's that wake up! song, because it's so annoying it's good. Point being, they think they are cool, they try to talk like a fifteen year old about "hard rock", and it ends with me being really embarassed for them. I've seriously had this conversation like 10 or more times. It's the trying so hard to be hip. It's painful. And then I pray that it doesn't happen to me, because if I'm going to be honest, the chances are VERY good that it will.

CRYSTAL: I don't get into music conversations with the "elders" because I'm too picky and then too honest to just say "yeah, I like that." I generally sidestep the entire conversation with some comment about American Idol and then we have a different direction altogether. Anyway, back to this douche. I hate this guy. All the images I had before the show started of Gilby being the mouthy assed show off had somehow been mis-directed and should have actually shot over to Jason. He matches Tommy in his cluelessness and total disregard for anything resembling pride. He can take his poufy, fluffy hair and prance back to the rockstar black hole he managed to escape from. Stat.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Week One-I Think I'm Tearing Up. Oh, Wait, I've Just Got Some Crust in the Eyes.

Welcome, dear readers, to our first official post of the season. Much to my relief and happiness, MSN has decided to continue with their photosets featuring the awesome rock style of our hamsters. This makes my job about a million times easier, so big ups to the MSN tech team. I forgive you for taking down the pictures early last year. We're even.

WEEK ONE


LUKAS ROSSI
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GINA: After reviewing the pictures of the rawkers, I think they've read our blog. I know that sounds totally egotistical, but I can find little else by way of explanation for the amounts of basic rawker black, and restraint by many of them in the accessories department. Lukas looks pretty fierce here, I must admit. I mean, he still looks like a midget and everything, but now he looks like a chic midget. Seriously, though, someone needs to tell him that that faux-hawk is making him look like he's balding about ten times worse than he actually is.

CRYSTAL: I think I know this guy. I think I'’ve met him practice posing outside of hipster stores in an uber trendy area of STL. I think he was looking down at me and muttered some shithead comment to his partners about my exceptionally low level of coolness. Then I threw a soda at him and ran. Dude...I totally fucked up his white, linen jacket. I did him a favor.

GINA: Remember when St. Louis was all shitty and there weren't really any uber trendy areas? I never appreciated what I had until it went away. There were always hipper than thou judgemental shitheads, (kind of like us! Except we're probably not as cool.) but there were a lot less of them and it wasn't always in my face. Half the time I walk down the street down on South Grand mumbling to myself like a curmudgeony old grandpa. You little bastards, back in my day, we used to do the proper thing and make fun of ya. We would have taunted your ass all the way back to New York. Ya ponce-y fucks.



PHIL RITCHIE
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GINA: You know, I didn't like Phil very much until the first elimination show, when he wore this dopey expression notcholance that endeared him to me. This dude does not care. And I appreciate his honesty. There's not much to say about his outfit. It's hard to fuck up all black. Ummm...these people need to start dressing retarded, or it's going to be one long ass season.

CRYSTAL: Phil dresses like he sings. Boring. His performance Wednesday night reminded me of all the terrible opening acts I ha’ve seen in my life. I mean, the kind of acts where they open up the song with something like "“This next song, this song I wrote when I was really down." And you'’re left there thinking, "“WHA? All of the songs have sounded the same, you fucker. Get off the stage."

Plus, I'm sorry but those spindley, un-toned arms are crying out for long sleeves. No. That's me. I'’m crying out for Phil to get some long sleeves. And a back brace. And a hair cut.

GINA: I know. I love how he can't even bring himself to pose for the photo. He's that lazy. Is he stoned? Phil is like the guy who opened up for the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs when we saw them. Let me tell you this. It was just him and an acoustic guitar and every song was preceded by a comment that this was a sad song. Like no shit, dude. Really? I hate it to begin with and having to sit through it while waiting to see the fiercest, coolest, broad in the world? Absolute tourture.

CRYSTAL: I was thinking about that guy who opened for the Yeah Yeah Yeah's when I wrote that. He is seared into my memory for all the wrong reasons.

DILANA
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GINA: So you know how last time I said she looked like a bethonged model at a car show? Well this week, she looks like that girl's lesbian sister. Rawkers have been trying this shit for years, but wrestling shoes are never going to be cool. Never. I do love her facial expression of complete and total confidence. The other rawkers need to take note of that.


CRYSTAL: Since when are people from South Africa such badasses? Shouldn't she be saving the continent from AIDS or something? Do they really have the time to be rockers? Priorities, people, priorities. Anyway, with her boxing (I say boxing) shoes and the black, ballerina ribbon on her arm she makes the striking statement that she is the woman to watch, if only for her falliable sense of fashion. Satin cargo pants, huh? Yeah. Still really cool in South Africa, I'm sure.

GINA: Dude, Charlize Theron's mom is from South Africa, and she totally shot her husband to death. Plus, the main villian in Lethal Weapon 2 was South African. There's an arguement to be made that South Africans are badasses. I mean, if its featured in the Lethal Weapon films, then it's true.

CRYSTAL: I just mean they should have other things to be taking care of. And dude? A Lethal Weapon 2 reference??

JOSH LOGAN
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GINA: Now this might just be me, but is anyone else getting the vibe from him? You know, a gay vibe? Is it wrong that that makes me like him a lot better?

CRYSTAL: Josh mistook tonight's performance for a super swell concert by Dave Matthew’s Band. Let u’s just dissect this, shall we? I hate his earrings and hair, for reasons already discussed, they are reminiscent of JC Chavez pre-mullet days. His sweater is something a freshman soriority girl would get for her new boyfriend for Christmas. It came with his own copy of "The Wedding Crashers." His freshly shredded pants are not giving him any Rock n Roll credibility. (Above the knee?? Make it look halfway authentic people, come on!) His belt is the only thing rock-ish and even that is generic. He is straight up pop candy...and I ain'’t liking it. Are we sure he's not another one of those Lachey brothers?

GINA: I know, but I can forgive it all if he's gay. Well, not his JC Penney olive thermal, because it is screwing with the Sparkly Rocker motif he's got going with his accessories. I think Crystal is right. He's a former boybander trying to adapt to these Rock and Roll is Cool Again times. Eight years ago this guy was singing in a mall in Orlando wearing a basketball uniform and a backwards, side-ways visor.


MATT HOFFER
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GINA: How sad am I that Matt was the first to go home? So many "Lead Singer of Keane" jokes wasted. I heard this toolbox tried out for The Apprentice before finally landing on Rock Star. You can tell. This looks so forced. Graphic tee with hipster sportscoat? Yup. Matched with chucks and jeans? You betcha! Girl haircut? Wouldn't leave home without it! He looks like an accountant.

Also, I've found out that I have some bias against Chicago Real Esate Rockers and a bias for Homeless Canadian Rockers. Who knew?

CRYSTAL: I'’m kinda sorry Matt got kicked off. I think he could have done great things with his hair. I mean, like tonight, it looks like Sally Field's in Steel Magnolias...tomorrow he could pull it back, spike it out and look like Pat Benatar. Sad really. His clothes weren'’t that bad either, not boring, but not exceptional. I'’m still down with the t-shirt jacket combo. I wear it myself at times. Matt i’s lucky in a way, it's like dying young, he never lasted long enough to get really ugly.

GINA: Matt is totally the Hey Guys I'm Cool dude at the party. Constantly scanning the room to see if we appreciate how hip he is. How broken in his chucks are. How his bangs are mussed just so. But since he's not naturally cool, the whole thing comes off kinda desperate and sweaty and pretty soon you start hearing people saying stuff like, "I know! He's so creepy" and laughter but you don't know they are talking about you, so you weakly laugh like you know what's going on. Maybe I'm glad he's gone after all. He's a bit of a sad sack. According to my made up backstory, of course.



RYAN STAR
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GINA: You guys, I think Ryan cuts himself. Why else is he wearing greyed, unhygenic, guauze wrapped around the middle of his forearm? Maybe we shouldn't make fun of him too much. I don't want to be responsible for his self mutilation.

Who am I kidding? Of course I'm going to make fun of him.

I think he was going for a "sexy" stare, (shudder) and got confused along the way and instead looks like he wants to bang you after he beats the living shit out of you.

CRYSTAL: Sigh. I am going to pretend, for the rest of the show, that this very attractive Ryan is hungover and not trying to look sexy for the camera. I think I can do it, I can fool myself a lot. I once convinced myself that a certain TV personality and I were getting married. I had everything planned out and arranged, the flowers, music, giant honking cake. It was only on the big day, standing in an empty church in a white gown that I realized that something had gone terribly wrong. Ah, imaginations. They do get the best of us. I like Ryan's look here, the not so boring black t-shirt, jeans, boots, an Ace bandage to cover up the probable Staph infection. That'’s hot.

GINA: I'm sorry about that whole wedding thing. I know I should have told you what was going on, but you were so happy, and I just didn't have the heart. I honestly don't know how you can find this cheeseball attractive, though. I want nothing to do with your fake emotions, Ryan. It's gonna take more than a little snarling and some puppy dog faces to win me over.


JENNY GALT
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GINA: First off, girl needs to eat a sandwich. She looks consumptive. Or like a white Ethiopian. I know some people are naturally very thin, but she...really needs to eat. Seriously.

CRYSTAL: Sans midriff, Jenny is hooching it up just right for the The Holy Perverts of Supernova. Her skirt, a Christina Aguilera Original, was an off the rack special. Which is appropriate because it hangs on her like it would on a coathanger; showcasing the muscle ligaments she calls legs. Gina's right, get this girl to Quizno's...she needs a sandwich.

GINA: She even looks hungry in this picture, like the photographer was dangling a pizza in front of her to get the proper facial expression.




MAGNI AGIERSSON
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GINA: So Magni looks like the guy at college who was always hosting Dance, Dance Revolution tournaments in your dorm and being kind of annoying, yet nice. I know he's a "STAR" in his native Iceland, (as he was so kind to remind us of) but I'm not seeing it. If you told me he was a TA I would believe it. So there you go.

CRYSTAL: If this guy walked up to me in a bar and started talking I would pretend I didn't hear him and walk the other way. That is mean and cruel but let's take a look at him. Besides his ultra boring, "I'm hanging at the mall with my girlfriend this Friday night," clothes, the white guy shaved head DOES NOT WORK. I'll repeat. DOES NOT WORK. Let me assure all white, prematurely balding men considering this option that it does not have the same effect for white men like it does for black men. You will not look suave, classy or put together. You look like a giant penis. Period.

GINA: I still sort of like Magni. I don't know why. At least he's not trying too hard. Or at all. Okay, he's trying more than Phil, but not by much.


TOBY RAND
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GINA: Step away from the tanning booth, Toby, the fact that you are Austrailian is no excuse because the last time I checked they had SPF 25 over there. He looks like the male version of Tara Reid.

CRYSTAL: Toby smells. I have a good sense for these things. He hasn't showered for days. The dude has been out on a surfing/camping/pot smoking binge and decided because he touched water, its as good as. I'll bet he smells like wet dog, bong water and BO.

GINA: My friend got into an arguement with her boyfriend over that very thing. She told him that he smelled and to get away from her and take a shower and he replied, "What? I went swimming!" Like that made him not stink and be clean. Oh, boys. So loveable, yet so dumb.



STORM LARGE
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GINA: Storm wins my "Hey, I Really Didn't Think I was Going to Like Her, But I Do" award. She looks pretty hotttt in this ensemble. She's got an authenticity about her. My only quibble is her limp, manic panic-ed hair.

CRYSTAL: I have a confession. I forgot the show was on (yikes!) last Wednesday and missed about half of it. I did not see Storm's performance so I cannot join in on the praise parade that Gina bestowed. I do know this, however, by just looking at her photo...pants cut that low are repulsive. If your cooch is two snaps and an ill timed jump from being on display, try on a different pair.

I have this horrible feeling I am going to run plum out of "whore" and "slut" and "prostitute" jokes this season by the third or fourth post. Shit.

GINA: You really are. We're going to have to get more creative.




JILL GOIA
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GINA: So once, my ex-boyfriend asked me if he could cut off the bottom of my tank top, because he wanted me to look like some Tarzan meets Jane bullshit. I let him do it because I'm very, very, nice. But after it was all done, he asked me to change because I just looked stupid and funny. Kind of like Jill. Also, those fucking flea market disco purses are bad enough. WE DON'T NEED VESTS MADE OUT OF THE SAME SHIT. Thank You.

CRYSTAL: Hey. We already have a Shakira...a cool one. There is no need for a substitute. Take your belly chains, giant jugs and two-toned, curly hair and skedaddle back to the hole you birthed out of. Don't worry, we won't miss you. In fact, I've forgotten your name already.



ZAYRA ALVERZ
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GINA: I want to like this, becauase for some Godforesaken reason I think she's cool. This would have worked without the train. Why, Zayra? You transformed yourself from "Coked-Out-Impossibly-Cool-European-Model" to looking like something Donna would wear to Prom on 90210.

CRYSTAL: I almost like it as well and have the same problem with it. To me, it is reminescent of nature films about bees that I've seen. She has to drag that train around like a giant, pregnant Queen bee carries her heavily egged ass around. Zayra is the cool one, dammit. Her hair and confidence exude it...ugh...

I'm gonna give her a break on this one because she's all foreign and shit, but I can''t bestow the same lienenacy on the boys. I think it's already been established that I am a woman of many double standards, and, I don't think I should have to explain myself to you people.

GINA: Here's the saddest part of all. Zayra, you are cool enough to work a spandex catsuit with random fabric tied around your waist. Do you realize how lucky you are? There are maybe 300 hundred people in this world that can do that. Don't get greedy. Please don't go to the Ellie Mae place anymore. Please.



PATRICE PIKE
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GINA: And I think we've found our Suzie. Oh, Patrice, poor, poor, Patrice. Where do we start? The four-year-old-knitted-me coverup or the black bra? The hair streaks? The bracelets? The sideways buckle with tailored pants? The cool eight years ago Frakenstein clodhoppers? The obvious lack of shame? You look like my Mom, Patrice. If she were, you know......white.

CRYSTAL: Gina, that is so totally rude. Your mom is way cooler than Patrice. Even her pose makes her look like a doofus. To live in a truly fair world, each woman on Earth should receive the same amount of cluelessness as the next. No one should be at this much of a disadvantage. But we do not live in a fair world, do we? And Patrice is looking like the first runner up in the Bi-State area's Junior Dumbass Faux Rocker Pageant. I think this woman could use a full legnth mirror.

GINA: You're right. My mom would totally have sense enough to never wear something like this. I love you, Moms. It's times like these when I wish I still had Ellie Mae to blame shit on. I still can't believe that someone would choose to wear this. I think the part that bothers me the most is that I think that belt came with the pants. That she got off the clearance rack at Gordman's. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but damn, dude. You're gonna be on television. You might want to spring for something that I can't see the silver paint chipping off of.



DANA ANDREWS
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GINA: Crystal, you have once again proven yourself to be much smarter than me. Dana is totally the poor one. Ill fitting, too short pants, fingerless gloves, wallet chain, a choker. All the parts fit. She's got that Gretchen Wilsonesque Trailer Face, and generally resembles a white trash Rachel Bilson.

CRYSTAL: Three words: Jerry Springer Guest.




CHRIS PEIRSON
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GINA: All I can think when I see this is "I wish Marty would have worn this last year". It's a good ensemble, nicely accessorized, but I find Chris so off putting that I can't bring myself to like it. Chris reminds me of Brandon. Like he's the Classy David Bowie of Neandrathals and Brandon was the Barefoot Chris Robinson. Reminding me of Brandon is no way to win points.

CRYSTAL: You know what I kept thinking?? That he kinda looks like Marty. I think its the nose and the haircut. But, while I liked Marty's personality, I totally dislike Chris. "I'm one of the best singers in the world." I nearly coughed up my Diet Coke when he made that proclamation. If he's one of the best singers in the world, then I'm Princess freaking Leia. He must have a hard on for people making fun of him...'cause I'm gonna make it my mission to verbally beat the shit out of this guy.

GINA: Sometimes, people just ask for it. It doesn't make a difference, but it goes a looooooong way with the not feeling guilty over it part.

About Us

  • I'm Please Stop, Ellie Mae
  • From SAINT LOUIS, MISSOURI, SUCKA
  • This is us at a bar called "Hillbillyz" in Poplar Bluff, Missouri. We don't live there (small favors) but we are worldly broads. We shouldn't have put this on here, but we figure if you are going to make fun of people's clothes, then why not post a picture of ourselves plowed, wearing shitty hats, glow sticks, and leis? Make jokes as you will. You know we would. We have been called "mean-spirited", "blind, talentless, bitches" and "just girls" by various people on the internet and by adding this picture we hope to add many more personal insults to the list. Recap: we made fun of what people wore on the television show, Rock Star: INXS. We will be doing it again for RS: SuperNOOOva. We thought the INXS show would be the world's biggest joke. And this? Jesus Christ. We can't wait.... ... drop us a line at rsinxsfashiontragedy@yahoo.com
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