The Rawkers: A Preview
A little birdie passed us a note that there were pics of the rawkers available on the internet. We decided to just start right in with the judging.
Chris Peirson
GINA: I see Chris has decided to go with the bouffant style of rock n roll hairdos. This exact cut and style has become a pandemic lately, leaving me only to wonder, “Don’t these tools realize that their hair is exactly the same as that douchebag from the Goo Goo Dolls?” I mean, honestly.
CRYSTAL: I get it. Chris is the sensitive one, right? He has the “I’m a poet, which is totally a real job” scarf, thoughtfully placed folded hands, yet legs wide apart to project a manly crotch so we chicks know he only has eyes for us.
Hate him already.
GINA: Yeah, I think I would be perfectly happy if all pouty, sensitive, dudes cried themselves into a coma for the next 5-7 years.
CRYSTAL: There goes half the Billboard’s Top 40…
GINA: I promise that this isn't about me being a snob. It's just so fucking boring. Okay, and I'm a bit of a snobby bitch, too.
Dana Andrews
GINA: Her dainty and pretty features are not exactly giving her loads of rock credibility. I don’t feel like I’m looking at rock singer. I feel like I’m looking at a 15 year old model for the Delia*s catalogue, and like, Dana was totally rocking out to some Ashlee Simpson and Natasha Bedingfield during the shoot. And thinking about how she’s totally gonna be soooOOOOoooOOOOooo punk rock next year at school, because she’s like, a rebel, and stuff.
CRYSTAL: Really? You’re getting Delia*s vibe from Dana? That might be giving her too much credit. I was thinking more JC Penny. Circa 1995. I think Shannon Doughtery’s Brenda from 90210 would have maimed Donna for those chokers. And Donna would have deserved it. Well, Gina, I think we’ve found the “poor one.” I see many more midriffs in our future.
GINA: I don’t know. I don’t think her mom is going to let her get away with such brazen hussiness. She is still only a child after all. She’s not coming off poor to me so much as young, and I’m far too lazy to look up how old she is, (On dial up right now, folks, I don’t have hours) and I think that is kind of ruining the vibe for me.
CRYSTAL: Dude. Of course she’s wearing more midriffs. She’s rebelling against her mom right now. They totally had a bitch fit before she left for Cali. She was supposed to start college in the fall…. Not be a summertime television loser that ugly bitches make fun of on the internet.
Dilana
GINA: Now this is what I have come to expect from Rock Star. I think we may have encountered Brandon’s Neolithic counterpart, if I am to judge on her dried, leathery, husk, and “wasn’t even cool in ’95” kool-aid hair dye streak. And this tank top-whatever that she is wearing must be from the Mizzae collection. Why else would there be a little strap over her chest and up ONE arm? Not that this was ever going to be acceptable, but…really, shouldn’t she be lying on a motorcycle in a thong at a car show right now?
CRYSTAL: “Dilana” is Greek for: two heartbeats from deciding “yes” on that Botox makeover. It really is sad in a way. Fortunately for me, I was born without sympathy for middle aged, over exposed, fake tanned, fake tittied, attention whore queens. Now that I’m thinking about it though, I’ll bet Tommy Lee has already fucked her; they’re right up each other’s alley. He probably bought her that top at a local Sturgis Memories Bike shop and told her every time she wears it, he’ll be right there with her.
Jenny Galt
GINA: Jenny Galt looks even more Avril than Suzie did. I can’t even deal with her right now, and its a little picture and you can’t tell what she’s wearing aside from the female pop-lite standard issue tank top. I can already tell that I am not going to be able to stand her.
CRYSTAL: I only hope I can muster the Suzie sized anger this season that filled me with inspiration last time ‘round. I can also hope that Jenny will replace my little fashion retard. I know, of course, these are idle dreams and that no one could be a substitute for that spastic, lame, mispronouncing, accessories abusing, crybaby in my heart. Although, Jenny does seem to have a promising start with her faux smoky gaze that purrs “Where am I? Is there lipstick on my teeth? What’s a Supernova?”
Does anyone know if she’s from Canada?
GINA: Dude, she is from Canada. This…this…is going to be hard. All I see is Suzie the Younger. I love how we’ve already just assigned her Suzie’s personality as well. I know that all blonde girls from Canada aren’t all the same, but what can I say? Crystal and I are violently, violently, racist.
CRYSTAL: Gina more so than me. We all know the Asians are the biggest racists ever.
GINA: Isn't it funny how something so little can be filled with so much hate?
Jill Gioia
GINA: Someone needs to tell Jill that Rock Stars are supposed to fuck strippers, not look like them. What the hell is it about these rockers and looking like they all still live in 1997? From Chris’s shitty haircut, Dilana’s homebrew dye job, and Jill’s Mariah Carey circa “Fantasy” jeans, not one of these rockers have given me any indication that we have even hit Y2K yet. Then again, if I were Tommy Lee, I’d want to live in the past, too.
CRYSTAL: What’s with the “Man Show” photo op? Girls on trampolines? Let’s focus here, Jill. Think a little more Debbie Harry a little less Jenny McCarthy. Gah. Who am I kidding here? She wants to win. Girls on trampolines is the surest way to the top of Supernoooo!va. We can tell by the vast array of the same type of whore that the men have chosen to be in the top twelve that “tramps on tramps” is exactly what they are going for.
Josh Logan
GINA: Josh is working my least favorite facial expression, the “sexy” stare. And seriously, guys, I’m going to assume that you watched the show last season, since you tried out for it this time, but yeah, you need to take a step back, clear your head, and come to terms with the fact that if you are not as hot as JD Fortune, and don’t have the same “hot-goofy-shithead” vibe as him, do NOT use the “sexy” stare. I know that is asking for too much self awareness from people, but it has got to stop because I’ve got one hand on the rape whistle with you, Josh Logan, and I’m not afraid to blow.
CRYSTAL: This is the kind of handsome-ness that will only work on desperate, middle aged moms, their ten year old girls with the glasses/braces combo and gay men with really bad taste. He’s just so dated. Those earrings and that gelled hair should have died out when that latest wave of boy bands drowned themselves on their own suckiness.
Ugh, I am thinking that when Josh heard they were holding auditions, he thought it was for the next Real World: Margaritaville.
Lukas Rossi
GINA: Oh man. Lukas, I think, is maybe one of those guys that are really cool and funny, and you like them a whole lot, but there is this part of you that is embarrassed to be seen in public with him because he has to make everything a spectacle. I can’t find any other way to explain his white Miami Vice sportscoat, blonde faux-hawk, and chinstrap. There are so many wrongs going on, but yet, I am struck by the notion that he might be cool. I don’t know what that means. Perhaps, it is that, in my personal experience, chubby ethnic guys have always been good for a laugh. (In the “with them” rather than “at them” sense)
CRYSTAL: Dude, are you sure he’s ethnic? Is Keebler Elf an ethnicity? I don’t remember learning that in anthropology, but I zoned out a lot. Is it just me or would anyone else be not all that surprised if he is about 3’8” tall? Gina, if he is a mini-rocker he TOTALLY has my vote.
GINA: Me, too. I think it’s because, in this photo at least, he’s got a big, protuberant head. That faux-hawk is not very flattering.
Mangi Asgeirsson
GINA: Mangi is a great name. I will give him that. I know that if I had known him before this, his nickname would certainly be Man-gina because I am immature and lazy. So Mangi is kind of looking like a less attractive Chris Daughtry from American Idol. I take issue with his Lenny Kravitz sunglasses and soul patch, but again, I am struck with the idea that he might be funny. Watch me be so wrong on this, but there is something about him that is screaming “smart ass” to me. Which I like.
CRYSTAL: Ugh, ooh, man boobs, pasty chalk skin, male pattern baldness (the shaved head isn’t fooling me, Mangi).…he has the making of a…rockstar?...umm, how about an algebra tutor. Seriously, look at his posture, he’s never rocked a day in his life. Yesterday he was teaching some jock how a negative and another negative can equal a positive to the quizzical-looking Neanderthal. Today, he shaved his head, put on a black leather bracelet and started listening to Creed. I’m so glad I’ve been born with see though the bullshit vision.
GINA: I still say he’s a sleeper smartass, but since I’m probably not going to watch the reality shows, it won’t really make a difference anyway.
Matt Hoffer
GINA: Matt Hoffer kind of resembles the lead singer of Keane, who, I don’t know if you’ve seen him, looks perfectly inbred. Big head, tiny, shared gene-pool eyes, huge, gaping maw. He is one of the most odd looking and unattractive people I have ever seen. That's saying something. Imagine a mangy, retarded, eagle. So Matt looks like the dude from Keane’s better looking, not as inbred, cousin. Sorry folks, I’m just calling ‘em like I see ‘em.
CRYSTAL: Just shave it off Matt! Just shave that tiny, insignificant, doesn’t make you look any sexier, face pubic hair monstrosity! Did you just miss that spot because you’re inbred like Gina said? Someone get this man a stay at home nurse, stat. He’s a danger to himself and others.
GINA: Actually, he doesn’t look inbred, but like maybe some of his distant-ish relatives are. I keep telling myself that I don’t know how old these pictures are so we are looking at these rockers in a worst case scenario.
Patrice Pike
GINA: Patrice Pike looks like a modern day version of my first grade teacher. Youngish, cute, heart full of rainbows and butterflies. She’s totally going to be the host of a revamped version of Reading Rainbow in once all this is said and done.
CRYSTAL: Who are these women? I look cooler than ALL of them, and quite frankly, speaking as someone who sees me everyday, that is totally an insult. I’m fed up already. Good jacket, though.
GINA: I know MiG is married, but if he and Patrice were able to copulate and produce a child, it would be the sweetest, kindest, shiniest (not that Patrice is shiny, she isn’t, but more that MiG is so shiny that the kid wouldn’t stand a chance) human ever. The downside? Being painfully, excruciatingly, uncool.
Phil Ritchie
GINA: Oh Phil, it is so comforting to know in this day and age of Photoshop and other advanced photo manipulation techniques, that the cheap 1987 book cover color ins will never, ever die. Seriously, I think at one point I had a 21 Jump Street book cover with Richard Greico on it that employed the same color scheme.
CRYSTAL: I miss Richard Greico! Johnny Depp totally stole his thunder. You know what the best thing about Phil’s picture here is? He is actually trying to sell himself with it. Who do you think is going to buy this product? My guess is that one record producer from Garden City, New Jersey that just now hopped on the Nickelback bandwagon. I heard that guy just got a tattoo with some sort of tribal symbol on his arm…oh, kinda like Phil’s.
GINA: I can totally see the manager guy now, chomping on a cheap cigar and brushing fried chicken crumbs out of his mustache. “Phil, you’re gonna be a stah! Now, what we’re gonna do, see, is use our finest graphic designer to get your face out there. He uses the fancy stuff, let me tell you, and I guarantee we’ll have a deal for you within a week!” I really hope Phil didn’t pay money to have this done.
CRYSTAL: Phil’s mom paid for the photos. She’s hoping to get him out of the basement once and for all.
Ryan Star
GINA: So when I first read the name Ryan Star, I immediately went to the American Idol place and was like “oh, shit”. That is some intense stare he’s got on him. He looks like John Black’s long lost son. I hope Stefano shows up and kidnaps someone and stores them in a giant bird cage again. Oh Days of Our Lives, you were once so awesome.
CRYSTAL: I cannot decide if I think this guy is really hot, or if he looks a little too much like that pond sucker David Blaine for my stomach to handle. I’m too fickle and shallow to not care about that fact. Gotta get back to you on this one.
GINA: I look at him and see more white-boy, sniffle, wounded, me and my guitar bullshit, which I could not be more sick of. And I think I've spread my distaste for that sort of thing enough, so I'm done. He...ummmm? He has nice eyes. There you go.
Storm Large
GINA: Storm Large takes the unique approach of avoiding our abuse through nudity. I hope those aren’t really her tattoos, because my head wants to explode from her tramp stamp complete with a heart and a tribal design. I do wonder if all these people who have hearts, nautical stars, and other rocker tattoo flare realize that every other wannabe rocker tool has the same tats? Also, I don’t think the utter and complete laziness in coming up with her stage name (Storm Large? Did she even try?) is boding well for her.
CRYSTAL: Umm…why doesn’t she just be a porn star already and stop wasting our time before we get too deep in this fashion excrement? And, “Storm Large”, what is she, a dude? That’s even worse than “Danny Weapons.”
***Insider Info*** This is what her “roommate” told me about how she got her name: she was looking at a threatening sky one evening and said aloud “storm.” When her roommate asked her what kind of storm she replied, “storm. large.” Right, afterwards, they went to Jack in the Box to get lunch and when the cashier asked if he could help her, she managed a “salad. chicken. asian.”
Toby Rand
GINA: Toby has frosted blonde tips and is in keeping with the Rock Star: 1996 theme we have going with our rockers. There is not really much I can say about Toby, mostly because of the tips. It was horrible when it was popular the first time, but I must say that to continue down the path unabated is both a personal affront and a crime against humanity. I don’t care how good he may turn out to be, he is as good as dead to me.
CRYSTAL: Could we swap out a Toby for a signature black guy, Mr. Burnett? I think we’ve already got a Toby and his name is Josh. You see, he has the same stupid haircut and looks just as dumb. I never thought I would be asking for it, but, could we give Ty a second chance?? Please?? Who’s gonna bring the SOUL??
GINA: Word to that Crystal. This season is looking distinctly soul-less. And quite frankly, I’d like to see Tommy Lee and Ty Taylor in a band together. If anyone has an “in” feel free to pass this bit of brilliance along. LESS FROSTED TIPS! MORE TY TAYLOR!
Zayra Alvarez
GINA: And that leaves us with Zayra, who is in the early running for best dressed. I buy her as a rocker and love her sunglasses and perfectly worn-in jeans. She looks chic and tough at the same time. I’m pretty sure she’s my favorite so far.
CRYSTAL: How is it we only get one cool girl in this entire miss-mesh skank parade? Come on! At this point I don’t even care if Zayra can sing…she’s won this shit for me. Even with the idiotic name and the slight resemblance to that crazy bitch Lara Flynn Boyle.
GINA: Shit, she does look like Lara Flynn Boyle, except like WAAAAAY cooler. Seriously, Zayra’s the only one I’d want to hang out with. Watch me eat my words in about two weeks.
GINA: I see Chris has decided to go with the bouffant style of rock n roll hairdos. This exact cut and style has become a pandemic lately, leaving me only to wonder, “Don’t these tools realize that their hair is exactly the same as that douchebag from the Goo Goo Dolls?” I mean, honestly.
CRYSTAL: I get it. Chris is the sensitive one, right? He has the “I’m a poet, which is totally a real job” scarf, thoughtfully placed folded hands, yet legs wide apart to project a manly crotch so we chicks know he only has eyes for us.
Hate him already.
GINA: Yeah, I think I would be perfectly happy if all pouty, sensitive, dudes cried themselves into a coma for the next 5-7 years.
CRYSTAL: There goes half the Billboard’s Top 40…
GINA: I promise that this isn't about me being a snob. It's just so fucking boring. Okay, and I'm a bit of a snobby bitch, too.
GINA: Her dainty and pretty features are not exactly giving her loads of rock credibility. I don’t feel like I’m looking at rock singer. I feel like I’m looking at a 15 year old model for the Delia*s catalogue, and like, Dana was totally rocking out to some Ashlee Simpson and Natasha Bedingfield during the shoot. And thinking about how she’s totally gonna be soooOOOOoooOOOOooo punk rock next year at school, because she’s like, a rebel, and stuff.
CRYSTAL: Really? You’re getting Delia*s vibe from Dana? That might be giving her too much credit. I was thinking more JC Penny. Circa 1995. I think Shannon Doughtery’s Brenda from 90210 would have maimed Donna for those chokers. And Donna would have deserved it. Well, Gina, I think we’ve found the “poor one.” I see many more midriffs in our future.
GINA: I don’t know. I don’t think her mom is going to let her get away with such brazen hussiness. She is still only a child after all. She’s not coming off poor to me so much as young, and I’m far too lazy to look up how old she is, (On dial up right now, folks, I don’t have hours) and I think that is kind of ruining the vibe for me.
CRYSTAL: Dude. Of course she’s wearing more midriffs. She’s rebelling against her mom right now. They totally had a bitch fit before she left for Cali. She was supposed to start college in the fall…. Not be a summertime television loser that ugly bitches make fun of on the internet.
GINA: Now this is what I have come to expect from Rock Star. I think we may have encountered Brandon’s Neolithic counterpart, if I am to judge on her dried, leathery, husk, and “wasn’t even cool in ’95” kool-aid hair dye streak. And this tank top-whatever that she is wearing must be from the Mizzae collection. Why else would there be a little strap over her chest and up ONE arm? Not that this was ever going to be acceptable, but…really, shouldn’t she be lying on a motorcycle in a thong at a car show right now?
CRYSTAL: “Dilana” is Greek for: two heartbeats from deciding “yes” on that Botox makeover. It really is sad in a way. Fortunately for me, I was born without sympathy for middle aged, over exposed, fake tanned, fake tittied, attention whore queens. Now that I’m thinking about it though, I’ll bet Tommy Lee has already fucked her; they’re right up each other’s alley. He probably bought her that top at a local Sturgis Memories Bike shop and told her every time she wears it, he’ll be right there with her.
GINA: Jenny Galt looks even more Avril than Suzie did. I can’t even deal with her right now, and its a little picture and you can’t tell what she’s wearing aside from the female pop-lite standard issue tank top. I can already tell that I am not going to be able to stand her.
CRYSTAL: I only hope I can muster the Suzie sized anger this season that filled me with inspiration last time ‘round. I can also hope that Jenny will replace my little fashion retard. I know, of course, these are idle dreams and that no one could be a substitute for that spastic, lame, mispronouncing, accessories abusing, crybaby in my heart. Although, Jenny does seem to have a promising start with her faux smoky gaze that purrs “Where am I? Is there lipstick on my teeth? What’s a Supernova?”
Does anyone know if she’s from Canada?
GINA: Dude, she is from Canada. This…this…is going to be hard. All I see is Suzie the Younger. I love how we’ve already just assigned her Suzie’s personality as well. I know that all blonde girls from Canada aren’t all the same, but what can I say? Crystal and I are violently, violently, racist.
CRYSTAL: Gina more so than me. We all know the Asians are the biggest racists ever.
GINA: Isn't it funny how something so little can be filled with so much hate?
GINA: Someone needs to tell Jill that Rock Stars are supposed to fuck strippers, not look like them. What the hell is it about these rockers and looking like they all still live in 1997? From Chris’s shitty haircut, Dilana’s homebrew dye job, and Jill’s Mariah Carey circa “Fantasy” jeans, not one of these rockers have given me any indication that we have even hit Y2K yet. Then again, if I were Tommy Lee, I’d want to live in the past, too.
CRYSTAL: What’s with the “Man Show” photo op? Girls on trampolines? Let’s focus here, Jill. Think a little more Debbie Harry a little less Jenny McCarthy. Gah. Who am I kidding here? She wants to win. Girls on trampolines is the surest way to the top of Supernoooo!va. We can tell by the vast array of the same type of whore that the men have chosen to be in the top twelve that “tramps on tramps” is exactly what they are going for.
GINA: Josh is working my least favorite facial expression, the “sexy” stare. And seriously, guys, I’m going to assume that you watched the show last season, since you tried out for it this time, but yeah, you need to take a step back, clear your head, and come to terms with the fact that if you are not as hot as JD Fortune, and don’t have the same “hot-goofy-shithead” vibe as him, do NOT use the “sexy” stare. I know that is asking for too much self awareness from people, but it has got to stop because I’ve got one hand on the rape whistle with you, Josh Logan, and I’m not afraid to blow.
CRYSTAL: This is the kind of handsome-ness that will only work on desperate, middle aged moms, their ten year old girls with the glasses/braces combo and gay men with really bad taste. He’s just so dated. Those earrings and that gelled hair should have died out when that latest wave of boy bands drowned themselves on their own suckiness.
Ugh, I am thinking that when Josh heard they were holding auditions, he thought it was for the next Real World: Margaritaville.
GINA: Oh man. Lukas, I think, is maybe one of those guys that are really cool and funny, and you like them a whole lot, but there is this part of you that is embarrassed to be seen in public with him because he has to make everything a spectacle. I can’t find any other way to explain his white Miami Vice sportscoat, blonde faux-hawk, and chinstrap. There are so many wrongs going on, but yet, I am struck by the notion that he might be cool. I don’t know what that means. Perhaps, it is that, in my personal experience, chubby ethnic guys have always been good for a laugh. (In the “with them” rather than “at them” sense)
CRYSTAL: Dude, are you sure he’s ethnic? Is Keebler Elf an ethnicity? I don’t remember learning that in anthropology, but I zoned out a lot. Is it just me or would anyone else be not all that surprised if he is about 3’8” tall? Gina, if he is a mini-rocker he TOTALLY has my vote.
GINA: Me, too. I think it’s because, in this photo at least, he’s got a big, protuberant head. That faux-hawk is not very flattering.
GINA: Mangi is a great name. I will give him that. I know that if I had known him before this, his nickname would certainly be Man-gina because I am immature and lazy. So Mangi is kind of looking like a less attractive Chris Daughtry from American Idol. I take issue with his Lenny Kravitz sunglasses and soul patch, but again, I am struck with the idea that he might be funny. Watch me be so wrong on this, but there is something about him that is screaming “smart ass” to me. Which I like.
CRYSTAL: Ugh, ooh, man boobs, pasty chalk skin, male pattern baldness (the shaved head isn’t fooling me, Mangi).…he has the making of a…rockstar?...umm, how about an algebra tutor. Seriously, look at his posture, he’s never rocked a day in his life. Yesterday he was teaching some jock how a negative and another negative can equal a positive to the quizzical-looking Neanderthal. Today, he shaved his head, put on a black leather bracelet and started listening to Creed. I’m so glad I’ve been born with see though the bullshit vision.
GINA: I still say he’s a sleeper smartass, but since I’m probably not going to watch the reality shows, it won’t really make a difference anyway.
GINA: Matt Hoffer kind of resembles the lead singer of Keane, who, I don’t know if you’ve seen him, looks perfectly inbred. Big head, tiny, shared gene-pool eyes, huge, gaping maw. He is one of the most odd looking and unattractive people I have ever seen. That's saying something. Imagine a mangy, retarded, eagle. So Matt looks like the dude from Keane’s better looking, not as inbred, cousin. Sorry folks, I’m just calling ‘em like I see ‘em.
CRYSTAL: Just shave it off Matt! Just shave that tiny, insignificant, doesn’t make you look any sexier, face pubic hair monstrosity! Did you just miss that spot because you’re inbred like Gina said? Someone get this man a stay at home nurse, stat. He’s a danger to himself and others.
GINA: Actually, he doesn’t look inbred, but like maybe some of his distant-ish relatives are. I keep telling myself that I don’t know how old these pictures are so we are looking at these rockers in a worst case scenario.
GINA: Patrice Pike looks like a modern day version of my first grade teacher. Youngish, cute, heart full of rainbows and butterflies. She’s totally going to be the host of a revamped version of Reading Rainbow in once all this is said and done.
CRYSTAL: Who are these women? I look cooler than ALL of them, and quite frankly, speaking as someone who sees me everyday, that is totally an insult. I’m fed up already. Good jacket, though.
GINA: I know MiG is married, but if he and Patrice were able to copulate and produce a child, it would be the sweetest, kindest, shiniest (not that Patrice is shiny, she isn’t, but more that MiG is so shiny that the kid wouldn’t stand a chance) human ever. The downside? Being painfully, excruciatingly, uncool.
GINA: Oh Phil, it is so comforting to know in this day and age of Photoshop and other advanced photo manipulation techniques, that the cheap 1987 book cover color ins will never, ever die. Seriously, I think at one point I had a 21 Jump Street book cover with Richard Greico on it that employed the same color scheme.
CRYSTAL: I miss Richard Greico! Johnny Depp totally stole his thunder. You know what the best thing about Phil’s picture here is? He is actually trying to sell himself with it. Who do you think is going to buy this product? My guess is that one record producer from Garden City, New Jersey that just now hopped on the Nickelback bandwagon. I heard that guy just got a tattoo with some sort of tribal symbol on his arm…oh, kinda like Phil’s.
GINA: I can totally see the manager guy now, chomping on a cheap cigar and brushing fried chicken crumbs out of his mustache. “Phil, you’re gonna be a stah! Now, what we’re gonna do, see, is use our finest graphic designer to get your face out there. He uses the fancy stuff, let me tell you, and I guarantee we’ll have a deal for you within a week!” I really hope Phil didn’t pay money to have this done.
CRYSTAL: Phil’s mom paid for the photos. She’s hoping to get him out of the basement once and for all.
GINA: So when I first read the name Ryan Star, I immediately went to the American Idol place and was like “oh, shit”. That is some intense stare he’s got on him. He looks like John Black’s long lost son. I hope Stefano shows up and kidnaps someone and stores them in a giant bird cage again. Oh Days of Our Lives, you were once so awesome.
CRYSTAL: I cannot decide if I think this guy is really hot, or if he looks a little too much like that pond sucker David Blaine for my stomach to handle. I’m too fickle and shallow to not care about that fact. Gotta get back to you on this one.
GINA: I look at him and see more white-boy, sniffle, wounded, me and my guitar bullshit, which I could not be more sick of. And I think I've spread my distaste for that sort of thing enough, so I'm done. He...ummmm? He has nice eyes. There you go.
GINA: Storm Large takes the unique approach of avoiding our abuse through nudity. I hope those aren’t really her tattoos, because my head wants to explode from her tramp stamp complete with a heart and a tribal design. I do wonder if all these people who have hearts, nautical stars, and other rocker tattoo flare realize that every other wannabe rocker tool has the same tats? Also, I don’t think the utter and complete laziness in coming up with her stage name (Storm Large? Did she even try?) is boding well for her.
CRYSTAL: Umm…why doesn’t she just be a porn star already and stop wasting our time before we get too deep in this fashion excrement? And, “Storm Large”, what is she, a dude? That’s even worse than “Danny Weapons.”
***Insider Info*** This is what her “roommate” told me about how she got her name: she was looking at a threatening sky one evening and said aloud “storm.” When her roommate asked her what kind of storm she replied, “storm. large.” Right, afterwards, they went to Jack in the Box to get lunch and when the cashier asked if he could help her, she managed a “salad. chicken. asian.”
GINA: Toby has frosted blonde tips and is in keeping with the Rock Star: 1996 theme we have going with our rockers. There is not really much I can say about Toby, mostly because of the tips. It was horrible when it was popular the first time, but I must say that to continue down the path unabated is both a personal affront and a crime against humanity. I don’t care how good he may turn out to be, he is as good as dead to me.
CRYSTAL: Could we swap out a Toby for a signature black guy, Mr. Burnett? I think we’ve already got a Toby and his name is Josh. You see, he has the same stupid haircut and looks just as dumb. I never thought I would be asking for it, but, could we give Ty a second chance?? Please?? Who’s gonna bring the SOUL??
GINA: Word to that Crystal. This season is looking distinctly soul-less. And quite frankly, I’d like to see Tommy Lee and Ty Taylor in a band together. If anyone has an “in” feel free to pass this bit of brilliance along. LESS FROSTED TIPS! MORE TY TAYLOR!
GINA: And that leaves us with Zayra, who is in the early running for best dressed. I buy her as a rocker and love her sunglasses and perfectly worn-in jeans. She looks chic and tough at the same time. I’m pretty sure she’s my favorite so far.
CRYSTAL: How is it we only get one cool girl in this entire miss-mesh skank parade? Come on! At this point I don’t even care if Zayra can sing…she’s won this shit for me. Even with the idiotic name and the slight resemblance to that crazy bitch Lara Flynn Boyle.
GINA: Shit, she does look like Lara Flynn Boyle, except like WAAAAAY cooler. Seriously, Zayra’s the only one I’d want to hang out with. Watch me eat my words in about two weeks.
