Rock Star: SuperNO!!!!va
Hello, folks. Gina here. Remember us? Rememeber how we were going to blog American Idol and then I decided that I wanted to be lame and punked out? Well, that's all in the past, now that we have finally gotten wind of who will be the next rock and roll SUPERGROUP to grace the Rock Star stage.
Ladies and gentleman, may I present to you....
SUPERnooooooooooVA
And now I finally have an answer to a question that's been bothering me for a while....how can you possibly do another season of the show and find a band that is
1. Funnier
2. More washed out
3. Less relevant
4. More past their prime
than INXS? Also, speaking as someone that has paid obnoxious amounts of money to see INXS live, these are, of course, "on paper", surface, first-impression, characteristics.
Answer?
Just add Tommy Lee.
As you all know very well, I was a genuine fan of the first season. And no one was more surprised by that shit than me. Before the announcement of this new rock "Supergroup", I was willing to give the show the benefit of the doubt. I thought that maybe the producers would be able to pull another rabbit out of their hats and once again display a collective talent at shining turds. I don't think there is a shammy big enough to shine the annoying out of Tommy Lee, however. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
This "Supergroup" consists of the aforementioned Tommy Lee, Mr. Jason Newsted (famous for being Metallica's most recent ex-bass player), and Gilby Clarke, who was in Guns and Roses, which rules, but...he replaced Izzy and like Izzy? Izzy was totally underrated and is FUCKING AWESOME, so it sort of negates any points that Gilby gets for being in GnR. Also the only real contribution he made to the band was on their last and worst ablum, The Spaghetti Incident. And that's only if Axl let him.
I was bored and contemplating what next season might bring, so I present to you a mini update with satorial abuse directed towards the members of this next rock "Supergroup".
After a tedious and sometimes contentious selection process (read: did a google image search and picked pictures where they are all shredding and making weird faces.) I proudly present to you rock's next SUPERGROUP, Supernova.
GINA: Wow, nothing makes me more hot than shitty tattoos, backward trucker hats, and basketball jerseys. Especially jerseys that appear to not be that of a sports team, but of some crappy nu-metal band, or most likely, for his own crappy nu-metal band. Now it is time for me to bring up Heather Locklear, as I am known to do when speaking of her ex-husbands. Crystal has even given me credit for the recent separation of Heather and her uber-tool husband, Ritchie Sambora. Somewhere a stalker in Ames, Iowa thinks me of me kindly.
CRYSTAL: There's something inheriantly disgusting about this man called Tommy Lee. I think its the knowledge of the huge dong. That to me just pushes images of date rapists and flashers through my otherwise clean and scum free mind. We just know he has fucked every single skank ass, bleached blonde (or any other hair color), groupie that has ever crossed his path. Plus, I will never understand the fascination with someone who has more black covering his body than a sealpup after the Exxon Valdez oil spill. All together, boys and girls, "Eww."
The best part about Tommy being on this show is that you just know that he and Dave Navarro are going to be trying to out cool each other in every episode. I am kinda hoping a fist fight ensues, but I think they'll just start crying and hugging each other and calling one another "bro," shamed by letting their R&R emotions to get the better of them.
Nevermind, dude, this is gonna suck.
GINA: His wang is indeed mighty...and...if I may go there for a second...have you seen the Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson sex tape? Oh, who am I kidding? You haven't. That's like you asking me if I cleaned out my filth pit of a car today. So yeah, the thing about the sex tape, and those that have seen it will probably agree with me, is that is was the one and only time he was ever appealing to me for even a split of a second. Mostly because it was loving sex. Loving sex in which he did nothing but mention how hot she is, but still...he was not like I expected him to be. I mean, I still wouldn't touch him even if I had a Haz-Mat suit on, (Pam got that Hepatitis from someone, now didn't she?) and I wasn't really turned on by the sex, but for like a fourth of a fourth of a fourth of a second I could see why someone (who is not at all like me) could stand being around him for more than three minutes.
GINA: Have you ever questioned whether or not a bass player is really important to a band? I suggest you go and listen to the first Metallica album and the truth shall be self evident.(HA! That sounds like the title of a Metallica album.) I remember on television once, there was this show on MTV or VH1 or whatever, and it was about people who are obsessed with dead rock stars. There was a segment about Cliff Burton, and you would think it would be some 35 year old dude with long hair and a beard, drinking a Natural Light, babbling about how Metallica are a bunch of pussy sell-outs now and how the band went to shit after Cliff died. But it was totally this like, 18 year old girl, which sort of ruled, in a genuine way. Well, aside from the creepy obssesion with dead people. Oh yeah, Jason Newsted. I'll get to that in a minute.
CRYSTAL: My friend Amanda and I went to see a band play in the college town in Iowa she was living in a few years ago. The bassist for the band managed to talk to my leggy friend and he was smitten (later admitting to me that he was falling in love with her...yeah). The bassist wouldn't leave our side--and by "our" I mean her side, which just happened to be next to me--and he almost acted like he did not want to go play because she might get away. Anyway, as the band was playing I noticed the keyboard player acting very wierdly and I told Amanda that I saw him earlier in the bar and I was really surprised that this low life looking guy was with the band...at which point Amanda said, "Trust me, keyboardists are never 'with the band.' " At which I replied, "Yeah, that's how I feel about bass players."
So I completely echo the sentiments that Gina said. The bassist is only like half with the band. Easily replaced. Except Gary from INXS. Someone has to be the hot one.
GINA: Ummm....actually, I was arguing in favor of the bassists make a difference theory. The Cliff Burton Metallica albums (Kill Em All, Ride the Lightning, and Master of Puppets) are pretty fucking good. Like, I'm not the biggest metal fan, but there is a time and a place (For me, generally on long road trips when I am tired. Reign in Blood by Slayer was made for such occasions.) Oh, right, I'm supposed to talk about Jason Newsted. I have this thing, and I can't explain it, and there certainly isn't any sort of rational explaination for it, but I can never, ever, buy a dude with curly hair as a tough guy. I suppose I make an automatic feminine association with the idea of curly hair. So this whole scowl, playing-the-bass-like-I-mean-it thing is coming off a little girly for me.
CRYSTAL: I misunderstood. My opinion is that bassists don't really matter. And it stands.
GINA: So, I don't know if this is an old or new picture or what, because finding a picture of Gilby Clarke was hard because he looks different in all of them. I don't even know if this is really him, but I hope to God that it is. I love how he sort of looks like Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison, during the bloated end. Or like he's Dave Navarro's slovenly, drunk, older brother. Like, he appears out of nowhere at one of Dave's Camp Freddy shows, all "Bro, you gotta let me sit in with you guys". Dave doesn't want to do it because y'know, the guy's a total boozehound and can't really play the guitar very well. But Gilby's like, "Bro, that's so fuckin' weak. Big Rock Star Dave can't let his own flesh and blood rip with him." and Dave finally gives in. And Gilby's screaming "WOOOOOO!" and jumping up and down and shit and just, like, randomly pawing at the strings of the guitar.
CRYSTAL: I don't know who this guy is. However, he is the perfect groom topper for this washed out wedding cake called "Supernova." If God is indeed good, Gilby better be the the mouthy one of the group, the one always speaking for everybody, telling it like it is, cutting Dave off, pissing off the contestants as they go, "who the fuck is that?" There is nothing more purely funny than someone who doesn't know his place. Gilby rules.
GINA: I completely agree. At this point, Gilby is my hands down, no contest, favorite. It's not quite at Tim Fariss porportions, but with a little care and tenderness, I could grow to love to laugh at him even more than I did Tim. I don't know about you, but I am feeling pretty good about the next season. At least from a "make fun of it" standpoint.
Well, that's all for now. We'll see you again in May! Oh my God, this shit is going to be awesome.
Ladies and gentleman, may I present to you....
And now I finally have an answer to a question that's been bothering me for a while....how can you possibly do another season of the show and find a band that is
1. Funnier
2. More washed out
3. Less relevant
4. More past their prime
than INXS? Also, speaking as someone that has paid obnoxious amounts of money to see INXS live, these are, of course, "on paper", surface, first-impression, characteristics.
Answer?
Just add Tommy Lee.
As you all know very well, I was a genuine fan of the first season. And no one was more surprised by that shit than me. Before the announcement of this new rock "Supergroup", I was willing to give the show the benefit of the doubt. I thought that maybe the producers would be able to pull another rabbit out of their hats and once again display a collective talent at shining turds. I don't think there is a shammy big enough to shine the annoying out of Tommy Lee, however. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
This "Supergroup" consists of the aforementioned Tommy Lee, Mr. Jason Newsted (famous for being Metallica's most recent ex-bass player), and Gilby Clarke, who was in Guns and Roses, which rules, but...he replaced Izzy and like Izzy? Izzy was totally underrated and is FUCKING AWESOME, so it sort of negates any points that Gilby gets for being in GnR. Also the only real contribution he made to the band was on their last and worst ablum, The Spaghetti Incident. And that's only if Axl let him.
I was bored and contemplating what next season might bring, so I present to you a mini update with satorial abuse directed towards the members of this next rock "Supergroup".
After a tedious and sometimes contentious selection process (read: did a google image search and picked pictures where they are all shredding and making weird faces.) I proudly present to you rock's next SUPERGROUP, Supernova.
GINA: Wow, nothing makes me more hot than shitty tattoos, backward trucker hats, and basketball jerseys. Especially jerseys that appear to not be that of a sports team, but of some crappy nu-metal band, or most likely, for his own crappy nu-metal band. Now it is time for me to bring up Heather Locklear, as I am known to do when speaking of her ex-husbands. Crystal has even given me credit for the recent separation of Heather and her uber-tool husband, Ritchie Sambora. Somewhere a stalker in Ames, Iowa thinks me of me kindly.
CRYSTAL: There's something inheriantly disgusting about this man called Tommy Lee. I think its the knowledge of the huge dong. That to me just pushes images of date rapists and flashers through my otherwise clean and scum free mind. We just know he has fucked every single skank ass, bleached blonde (or any other hair color), groupie that has ever crossed his path. Plus, I will never understand the fascination with someone who has more black covering his body than a sealpup after the Exxon Valdez oil spill. All together, boys and girls, "Eww."
The best part about Tommy being on this show is that you just know that he and Dave Navarro are going to be trying to out cool each other in every episode. I am kinda hoping a fist fight ensues, but I think they'll just start crying and hugging each other and calling one another "bro," shamed by letting their R&R emotions to get the better of them.
Nevermind, dude, this is gonna suck.
GINA: His wang is indeed mighty...and...if I may go there for a second...have you seen the Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson sex tape? Oh, who am I kidding? You haven't. That's like you asking me if I cleaned out my filth pit of a car today. So yeah, the thing about the sex tape, and those that have seen it will probably agree with me, is that is was the one and only time he was ever appealing to me for even a split of a second. Mostly because it was loving sex. Loving sex in which he did nothing but mention how hot she is, but still...he was not like I expected him to be. I mean, I still wouldn't touch him even if I had a Haz-Mat suit on, (Pam got that Hepatitis from someone, now didn't she?) and I wasn't really turned on by the sex, but for like a fourth of a fourth of a fourth of a second I could see why someone (who is not at all like me) could stand being around him for more than three minutes.
GINA: Have you ever questioned whether or not a bass player is really important to a band? I suggest you go and listen to the first Metallica album and the truth shall be self evident.(HA! That sounds like the title of a Metallica album.) I remember on television once, there was this show on MTV or VH1 or whatever, and it was about people who are obsessed with dead rock stars. There was a segment about Cliff Burton, and you would think it would be some 35 year old dude with long hair and a beard, drinking a Natural Light, babbling about how Metallica are a bunch of pussy sell-outs now and how the band went to shit after Cliff died. But it was totally this like, 18 year old girl, which sort of ruled, in a genuine way. Well, aside from the creepy obssesion with dead people. Oh yeah, Jason Newsted. I'll get to that in a minute.
CRYSTAL: My friend Amanda and I went to see a band play in the college town in Iowa she was living in a few years ago. The bassist for the band managed to talk to my leggy friend and he was smitten (later admitting to me that he was falling in love with her...yeah). The bassist wouldn't leave our side--and by "our" I mean her side, which just happened to be next to me--and he almost acted like he did not want to go play because she might get away. Anyway, as the band was playing I noticed the keyboard player acting very wierdly and I told Amanda that I saw him earlier in the bar and I was really surprised that this low life looking guy was with the band...at which point Amanda said, "Trust me, keyboardists are never 'with the band.' " At which I replied, "Yeah, that's how I feel about bass players."
So I completely echo the sentiments that Gina said. The bassist is only like half with the band. Easily replaced. Except Gary from INXS. Someone has to be the hot one.
GINA: Ummm....actually, I was arguing in favor of the bassists make a difference theory. The Cliff Burton Metallica albums (Kill Em All, Ride the Lightning, and Master of Puppets) are pretty fucking good. Like, I'm not the biggest metal fan, but there is a time and a place (For me, generally on long road trips when I am tired. Reign in Blood by Slayer was made for such occasions.) Oh, right, I'm supposed to talk about Jason Newsted. I have this thing, and I can't explain it, and there certainly isn't any sort of rational explaination for it, but I can never, ever, buy a dude with curly hair as a tough guy. I suppose I make an automatic feminine association with the idea of curly hair. So this whole scowl, playing-the-bass-like-I-mean-it thing is coming off a little girly for me.
CRYSTAL: I misunderstood. My opinion is that bassists don't really matter. And it stands.
GINA: So, I don't know if this is an old or new picture or what, because finding a picture of Gilby Clarke was hard because he looks different in all of them. I don't even know if this is really him, but I hope to God that it is. I love how he sort of looks like Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison, during the bloated end. Or like he's Dave Navarro's slovenly, drunk, older brother. Like, he appears out of nowhere at one of Dave's Camp Freddy shows, all "Bro, you gotta let me sit in with you guys". Dave doesn't want to do it because y'know, the guy's a total boozehound and can't really play the guitar very well. But Gilby's like, "Bro, that's so fuckin' weak. Big Rock Star Dave can't let his own flesh and blood rip with him." and Dave finally gives in. And Gilby's screaming "WOOOOOO!" and jumping up and down and shit and just, like, randomly pawing at the strings of the guitar.
CRYSTAL: I don't know who this guy is. However, he is the perfect groom topper for this washed out wedding cake called "Supernova." If God is indeed good, Gilby better be the the mouthy one of the group, the one always speaking for everybody, telling it like it is, cutting Dave off, pissing off the contestants as they go, "who the fuck is that?" There is nothing more purely funny than someone who doesn't know his place. Gilby rules.
GINA: I completely agree. At this point, Gilby is my hands down, no contest, favorite. It's not quite at Tim Fariss porportions, but with a little care and tenderness, I could grow to love to laugh at him even more than I did Tim. I don't know about you, but I am feeling pretty good about the next season. At least from a "make fun of it" standpoint.
Well, that's all for now. We'll see you again in May! Oh my God, this shit is going to be awesome.
