The Crystal and Gina Fashion Awards Spectacular!
Dear Readers,
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We know we said this was a “Tragedy in 10 Parts…” but, you know, you really have to take everything we say with a 10 pound grain of salt. We’re mouthy ladies and we still have some things to get off our chests.
I would personally like to thank each one of you for your continuing support, comments and those who have linked us. I would also like to thank those of you who referred to us as “mean-spirited,” “talentless, blind bitches,” or my favorite, the condescendingly beautiful “just girls.” We enjoy the critiques almost as much as the compliments…it swells our egos when we know people are talking about us. I only have one complaint. Folks, this is your last chance, please leave your comments on the Blog! Don’t hide by posting your thoughts on your friendly, neighborhood board, let us see what you have to say. I can assure everyone, we will not argue with you. We will not retaliate. I, for one, do not argue opinions of “pop culture,” it’s just too low, so leave them here, with us. It is your last chance…
For our final Fashion Tragedy post (aww, a twinge) we have a treat. We have created our very own Rock Star Awards Show! We have taken everything that was the best and the worst and the "best because it was so hilariously awful” and gave rockers awards accordingly.
We hope you enjoy the Awards Show and we hope you’ve enjoyed our site. If you haven’t enjoyed it…(shrug)…as a someone more intelligent than me once said “you can’t please all the people all the time.”
Very Truly Yours,
Crystal
BEST HAIR-TIM FARISS
GINA: The moment I saw Tim's hair, I knew that this was the show for me. I loved that the size of his hairdo let me know when it was humid in LA. I loved that at times it was brown, at times blonde, but it always proud. I have never seen hair that was so happy to be alive. Yes, I have seen the recent pictures with it cut off, and Crystal has consoled me with the notion that he is getting ready to go on tour and that it will be back in all of it's leonine glory by the time I get to see them. My heart weeps at the idea of seeing Tim sans his beautiful curls and if there is any hope in this world, his Rock Star mane will be in full effect.
CRYSTAL: I will only concur with everything that Gina says about Tim’s hair. It is a most important member of INXS…if not the most important.
WORST HAIR AWARD-DEANNA JOHNSON
GINA: How to make an attractive 35 year old woman look like a 45 year old bar slut in 3 easy steps:
1. Take her long, thick, otherwise normally beautiful hair and bleach it within an inch of its life.
2. Collect beads, sparklers, ribbons, leather shoelaces, buttons, jingle bells, glitter, feathers, and barrettes, hoping to make her head weigh roughly 900 pounds.
3. Arrange said follicle ornaments in the manner of a six year old, separating the hair into 25 sections. Attach seven or more ornaments to each section until complete.
WORST USE OF ACCESSORY AWARD-SUZIE MCNEIL
GINA: Where to even start with this? For me, it was a close race between Ty’s frosted Mohawk tips and Suzie purple bell sleeves with glove and giant ring. Then I really thought about it, and Suzie is by far the worst repeat offender in the accessories department. From her “Queen of the Bottom Three” hat to the pink tunic sticking out from underneath her skirt, Suzie makes me sad for the day that humanity decided to decorate themselves with jewelry, scarves, and the like. Suzie proved herself to be all too malleable, and EM was allowed to run with full reign through Suzie’s wardrobe and that is never a good thing, as we all witnessed this summer. Uh, congratulations, Suzie. I guess.
CRYSTAL: I’ve said this before and I’ll probably say this again…Canada, this is your problem. I don’t want anything to do with her chickenwire belts, hair extensions, fingerless gloves, whore boots and/or her big goofy smile. I was pulling for her to win this award over Ty for the ginormous orange ring she wore with the purple-Prince jacket…the one she even wore when she ATE DINNER THAT NIGHT. That ring tipped the scale BIG TIME. I seriously don’t even know how she could lift her hand…I honestly wished it had been a little heavier and made it impossible to pull the microphone to her mouth that night.
BEST PROVIDER OF COMEDIC MATERIAL AWARD-BRANDON CALHOON
CRYSTAL: When I first heard Gina utter the words “Gah, he’s Encino Man!” I knew there was something special about Brandon. The shape of his face, the protruding forehead, the way his mouth moves like a Muppet when he talks, the small, beady eyes….THE CLOTHES…he makes everything too easy. But I think I speak for Gina when I say that’s okay with us, anyone who is too hard to make fun of is usually never worth the effort.
GINA: His face is what fascinates me the most. The large, sloping forehead, tiny, flat eyes, and the prominent jaw create a jarring Caveman aesthetic and have we learned nothing from Will Ferrell? It is hilarious when Cavemen sing. Then we move on to his performance skills which consisted largely of incoherent, nonsensical flailing and mushy mouthed, overconfident delivery and what is there to not make fun of? You know, if Brandon ever read this he would probably want to stab me in the face and, really? Can't blame him. But let me say right now that if that ever happened, all this was completely worth it.
BEST FACIAL HAIR AWARD-KIRK PENGILLY
CRYSTAL: Nothing makes me giggle faster than a face full of caricatured facial hair. And that being said, Kirk, you have some of the best I’ve ever seen. Just the fact you allow yourself to walk around in public, in daylight no less, with that pencil mustache and a goatee making a perfect triangle…makes me fall in love. I love anyone who makes me laugh. Kirk, I love you.
GINA: Do you all remember the guy from the Backstreet Boys who had the crazy-manicured facial hair? I like to think of Kirk as his dad. You know, you've just got to appreciate anyone who will rock a Satan pencil beard and those little John Lennon thick framed glasses and still feel good about himself. You were a band geek when you were younger, weren't you Kirk? You don't have to lie to me, it doesn't matter anymore, but you totally were, right?
BEST RACK AWARD-DEANNA JOHNSON
GINA: There was much temptation to give this one to MiG, but in the end the sheer magnitude of Deanna's chest was too much to deny. You have very large breasts, Deanna, and for that we give you a tip of the hat. Nice hoots.
CRYSTAL: Deanna, don’t be offended by this. Think of yourself as the would-be best looking hooker in a cat-house. With those headlights, you could pay for that recording studio you’re hubby went bankrupt to build in like three months. Six, tops.
MOST LIKELY NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN AWARD-JESSICA ROBINSON
CRYSTAL: There is comfort in the solace and peace that washes over after you have failed miserably at the goal that could have made your future wondrous. Your clenched jaw has relaxed, your neck ache has dulled, your burning throat is cooled…you have lost…and you will never regain what you may have had. I understand this all too well, Jessica, as do you. For this we present to you this award: You know no one will ever hear from you again, but look at it this way, Jess, at least you’re sleeping through the night once more.
BEST IMPRESSION OF A ROCK STAR AWARD-NEAL CARLSON
CRYSTAL: I know I’m not the only one with the opinion that Neil left way too soon. For this, we present the Award for the man who did the Best Impression of a Rock Star. I could have seen him do great things if it wasn’t for the fatal flaw of, uh, singing that HORRIBLE summer of ’69 song…and singing it badly. I liked Neil, he was a character, plus he was skinnier than any 10 mile a day running, stringy haired, finger-down-her-throat supermodel, and that’s just funny.
CUTEST COUPLE AWARD-MARTY CASEY AND JORDIS UNGA
GINA: If sexual tension were a river in the United States than Marty and Jordis would be the Mississippi. As someone who didn’t watch the reality shows, I still caught on to the notion that, at least on Marty’s part, they were totally into each other. Then I saw Jordis’ boyfriend, and he might be a really nice guy and treat her like gold, but based on first impressions, Jordis could do about a million times better. His band can’t be that good, lady. Take some advice from me, you two, and get on with it already. I love couples that look completely opposite from each other because it is great fun imagining what their children might look like. In a situation like that they are either going to look like models or freaks. With these two I’m thinking models. Do the world a favor, Marty and Jordis, please procreate and make beautiful, talented (and maybe a little creepy if they take after Dad) babies.
BEST CANADIAN AWARD-JD FORTUNE
CRYSTAL: I know this will not come as a shock, but the award goes to…JD. And on a more personal note can I add that I was duly impressed with the Canadians on this show? Like, this wasn’t the winter Olympics…this is Rock ‘n Roll (or an INXS/CBS watered down version of R&R) but still, the Canadians kicked ass. Blame Canada Indeed!
GINA: You know, Jim Carrey, Mike Meyers, and JD Fortune almost make up for foisting Celine Dion on an unsuspecting America (and the world....have you no shame???). Thanks, Canada, for alerting me to the fact that Canadian dudes are freaking hot. I don't know if you all were planning on keeping that shit a secret, but our next vacation will be our friendly northern neighbors. You had better not be fucking with us, I will be so pissed if JD is an anomaly and it's all ugly dudes everywhere.
BEST USE OF “FIERCENESS” AWARD-TY TAYLOR
GINA: Respect must be paid to the scary model poses that Ty graced us with week after week. You can practically hear the vaguely European photographer. Yeah, Ty, that's it. Give me attitude! Show me who's King Bitch! Work it, sex the camera, Ty. SEX THE CAMERA. That is actually what Ty hears in his head. Don't ask me how I know, it's a really long story and I won't bore you with the details.
CRYSTAL: Oh Gina, just tell them. Alright, I will. Gina likes stealing and then reading other people’s diaries. Then she tells me all about it. Trust me, Ty’s could be a best seller.
BEST SHAPESHIFTER AWARD-MARTY CASEY
CRYSTAL: Being a person born with a face that makes every stranger I meet seem to say “I think I’ve seen you somewhere” or “I have a cousin that looks just like you,” I can understand how this award might irritate Martin. For that, I apologize. Just know you’re not alone, Changeling. You’re not alone.
GINA: As I have said before Marty has a future in the CIA if he ever decides to quit rocking. Here is a short list of celebrities and other notable persons he resembles: David Spade, David Bowie, Tom Petty, Thomas Hayden Church, Julian Sands, The gelfling in "The Dark Crystal", Natasha Richardson, and Tom Felton.
BEST CAVEMAN AWARD-BRANDON “PEACOCKIN’” CALHOON
GINA: The best part about his award is that it's just an excuse to make fun of Brandon again. But for serious guys.....for serious, it's like I sat down and wrote a story that magically came to life. Like, I would write this funny little story about this caveman that was unfrozen and the first thing he listened to was the Spin Doctors and the second thing he heard was The Black Crowes, and he wanted to be a rock star and at first everyone loved him, because America loves an untalented freak (see William Hung, although I will admit that Brandon is definitely more talented) and then we cast him aside because we are fickle and cruel and everyone is over the joke. Then he goes and lives in the woods and no one ever hears from him again and the world is so ecstatic that it could just choke.
CRYSTAL: This is the story I plan to read to my future children at bedtime. Then I’ll tell them Brandon lives under their bed (not the woods), you know, for kicks.
THE COOLEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO STAR SEARCH AWARD-JORDIS UNGA
CRYSTAL: I am giving this award to Jordis because: I wanna be cool like Jordis. I don’t want to have to ask my mom (again) why she let me continue to be such a dork for so long. Please, God, make me cool like Jordis. Oh! and can I say, shame on you Star Search, you obviously would not know real talent if it crawled up Ed McMahon’s ass and did an Irish jig.
GINA: Obviously we were grasping at straws a little bit with this one. We wanted to give Jordis her own award because she totally kicks ass and this was the best we could do. I’m with you, Crystal, I wanna be cool like Jordis. We love her here at RSFT. Not her clothes, but her as a person. Star Search never knew what they were missing and there is a definite part of me that wants to be BFF with you. You rock.
BEST MAN NIPPLES AWARD-DAVE NAVARRO
GINA: In this award, at least, “best” does not mean better than everyone else, it means Dave’s were exposed more than anyone else’s (even MiG!) and those two nubs of flesh on his upper chest are owed a shout out. I’m sure that they are conditioned after all this time of prolonged exposure, resistant to extreme heat and cold, but that doesn’t make them any less deserving. They are the workhorse of the Navarro wardrobe and we give them an official pat on the back. Dave, make sure to work in a little extra lotion on them as a thank you through these dry, winter months.
CRYSTAL: I have begun to hate everything about men’s nipples after this show. I mean, what do they need them for anyway? I don’t like that a discolored, weirdly pointed, tough patch of skin is the focal point of any “man.” I’m sick of them. I would sign a petition tomorrow to get rid of them altogether. I mean, for men, at least.
BEST LOOKING MEMBER OF INXS AWARD-GARY BEERS
CRYSTAL: This award from me comes with a condition, Gary…I love the way you look, I think you are by far the best looking member of INXS, but by-God, you’ve got to get rid of the leather pants. I’m sorry, but it’s not 1988 anymore, they ain’tcoming back, Gary, no matter how hard you try. And more importantly, leather pants don’t breathe, that can’t be good for the ‘ol package.
GINA: To me, at least, there is a slightly creepy feeling attached to finding people my parents' age attractive. Like I may as well be carrying a sign that says, "I Have Daddy Issues". Gary, you make me uncomfortable in the best way possible. I agree with Crystal on the leather pants. It's like the middle-aged woman who still shops in the juniors section. It makes you look older, not younger. I would kill to see you in a nice, simple suit and tie. Mmmmm.....old guys.
THE “SEE HOW QUICKLY A GOOD THING CAN BE DESTROYED” AWARD-JD FORTUNE
CRYSTAL: I prefer to call this “Crystal’s Personal Bone of Contention Award.” One, because my ego is so large that I like to have my name on EVERYTHING. And two, I hate Ellie Mae for doing this to JD…she doesn’t deserve her job. She doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as JD, much less touch him on a weekly basis. I’m sick of thinking about it. Congratulations on your Award and watch your back.
GINA: This award best illustrates our most important point. The canvasses on which Ellie Mae created her “art” were good ones. Handsome and pretty ones. All it takes is one K-Mart Jacqueline Smith Collection grandma button up to utterly annihilate it; Nagasaki-style. We are thinking about bringing a civil case against Ellie Mae for emotional distress and let me tell you right now that this will be exhibit A.
Best Outfit in a Performance Show
Nominees:
. Marty Casey-Week Three (eagle shirt with red wrist bands)
2. JD Fortune-Week Eleven (Finale suit)
3. Brooke Burke-Week Seven (red dress with roman sandal)
4. Jordis Unga-Week Two (black with silver scarf and black gloves)
5. Marty Casey-Week Ten (purple button up with black pants)
Winner-Marty Casey Week Three
Worst Outfit in a Perfomance Show
Nominees
1. Suzie McNeil-Week Two (pink tunic, jean skirt)
2. Ty Taylor-Week Six (plaid pants, mohawk ponytail)
3. MiG Ayesa-Week Seven (skull pants)
4. Suzie McNeil-Week Eight (purple bell sleeves)
5. MiG Ayesa-Week Four (white leather pants with horrible multi colored jacket)
Winner-Suzie McNeil Week Eight
ELLIE MAE AIKEN MEMORIAL FASHION FUCK UP AWARD-MiG AYESA
GINA: While I can't blame MiG for playing to his strengths, which are that he is essentially a more butch Davy Jones, I can't forgive the offensive amounts of man-cleavage and tight pants that were your permanent costumes. It was a close race with Suzie, but the skull pants and white leather tie ups were the clinchers. You are a nice guy, funny, immensely likeable and all that. I won't take that away from you. I do revoke your liscense to appear on television without written costume approval from me, however, and you will be hearing from my lawyers.
CRYSTAL: MiG, I love ya. I would probably hang my head in shame and self-loathing if I ever met you. But you have to understand, you do not have to follow the rules of “it’s not a party unless I’m showing my best assets,” because, honestly, your assets kinda give me the heebie jeebies. Seriously, let your wife take over from here…you obviously have something about letting EVERYONE walk all over you. Your wife seems nice. Let her do the walking.
FASHION MVP—THE CRYSTAL AND GINA FASHION EXCELLENCE AWARD-MARTY CASEY
CRYSTAL: It’s Marty. Was there ever any doubt? Marty helped make the thought that the Ellie Mae plague would never reach widespread epidemic. Marty, dressing well each show was so much more than just pleasing aesthetics…it was for the good of all mankind. For that, we salute you.
GINA: Duh....Marty. No contest. We couldn't even think of anyone else to be in the running. Thank you for being there when we needed you. Thank you for making us feel like we weren't crazy and that everyone really did look like a music video gone terribly wrong. Thank you for being you, Marty. We love you.
So there it is, folks, the end. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was occasionally funny, occasionally (okay, mostly) mean-spirited. It took three fucking months, but here we are. Thank you to every person that read this even if they didn’t think it was very funny and never came back. It really meant a lot. I would like to close this out by sharing a secret with you all. I obsessively check sitemeter to see how many hits we’ve gotten, if anyone’s linked to us, or whatever. And if there is nothing else to be proud of, we can be proud of this: When you look up the following things on search.msn.com you will find RSFT on the first page of results.
1. 90’s Porno Star
2. “leather pants” ass fuck boots
3. Prince Pussy Patrol pics
4. Breastfeeding photos
5. sheen spandex asshole
6. pictures of raped booties
7. I want to fuck JD Fortune
So the biggest thanks goes to Ellie Mae Aiken. If you were not half as bad as you are, we would have never felt the need to start this blog. This is for you, Ellie Mae, to remind you every day of how badly you suck. Thanks.
Also of note is the fact that we will be doing a little something for the upcoming season of American Idol. Not another Fashion Tragedy, per se, although a lot of the clothes on that show are absolute puke. So come and join us in January for more snarktastic fun. The blog is located at http://aithebestworstever.blogspot.com. So if all goes well, and we haven’t alienated you with RSFT, stop by American Idol: The Best Worst Show on Television and we’ll see if we can’t manage to offend you this time.
Additionally, we will be attending the INXS show in sunny Las Vegas come the end of January. We hear that many of you bitches will also be there. So maybe we'll see you around! I'll probably be shitfaced, just to warn you, and if you think I'm obnoxious now you should see me when I'm wasted! Crystal a the more responsible, quieter, drunk. So yeah, Vegas and JD. Good Times.
Love, hugs, kisses, puppies and butterflies,
Gina
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We know we said this was a “Tragedy in 10 Parts…” but, you know, you really have to take everything we say with a 10 pound grain of salt. We’re mouthy ladies and we still have some things to get off our chests.
I would personally like to thank each one of you for your continuing support, comments and those who have linked us. I would also like to thank those of you who referred to us as “mean-spirited,” “talentless, blind bitches,” or my favorite, the condescendingly beautiful “just girls.” We enjoy the critiques almost as much as the compliments…it swells our egos when we know people are talking about us. I only have one complaint. Folks, this is your last chance, please leave your comments on the Blog! Don’t hide by posting your thoughts on your friendly, neighborhood board, let us see what you have to say. I can assure everyone, we will not argue with you. We will not retaliate. I, for one, do not argue opinions of “pop culture,” it’s just too low, so leave them here, with us. It is your last chance…
For our final Fashion Tragedy post (aww, a twinge) we have a treat. We have created our very own Rock Star Awards Show! We have taken everything that was the best and the worst and the "best because it was so hilariously awful” and gave rockers awards accordingly.
We hope you enjoy the Awards Show and we hope you’ve enjoyed our site. If you haven’t enjoyed it…(shrug)…as a someone more intelligent than me once said “you can’t please all the people all the time.”
Very Truly Yours,
Crystal
BEST HAIR-TIM FARISS
GINA: The moment I saw Tim's hair, I knew that this was the show for me. I loved that the size of his hairdo let me know when it was humid in LA. I loved that at times it was brown, at times blonde, but it always proud. I have never seen hair that was so happy to be alive. Yes, I have seen the recent pictures with it cut off, and Crystal has consoled me with the notion that he is getting ready to go on tour and that it will be back in all of it's leonine glory by the time I get to see them. My heart weeps at the idea of seeing Tim sans his beautiful curls and if there is any hope in this world, his Rock Star mane will be in full effect.
CRYSTAL: I will only concur with everything that Gina says about Tim’s hair. It is a most important member of INXS…if not the most important.
WORST HAIR AWARD-DEANNA JOHNSON
GINA: How to make an attractive 35 year old woman look like a 45 year old bar slut in 3 easy steps:
1. Take her long, thick, otherwise normally beautiful hair and bleach it within an inch of its life.
2. Collect beads, sparklers, ribbons, leather shoelaces, buttons, jingle bells, glitter, feathers, and barrettes, hoping to make her head weigh roughly 900 pounds.
3. Arrange said follicle ornaments in the manner of a six year old, separating the hair into 25 sections. Attach seven or more ornaments to each section until complete.
WORST USE OF ACCESSORY AWARD-SUZIE MCNEIL
GINA: Where to even start with this? For me, it was a close race between Ty’s frosted Mohawk tips and Suzie purple bell sleeves with glove and giant ring. Then I really thought about it, and Suzie is by far the worst repeat offender in the accessories department. From her “Queen of the Bottom Three” hat to the pink tunic sticking out from underneath her skirt, Suzie makes me sad for the day that humanity decided to decorate themselves with jewelry, scarves, and the like. Suzie proved herself to be all too malleable, and EM was allowed to run with full reign through Suzie’s wardrobe and that is never a good thing, as we all witnessed this summer. Uh, congratulations, Suzie. I guess.
CRYSTAL: I’ve said this before and I’ll probably say this again…Canada, this is your problem. I don’t want anything to do with her chickenwire belts, hair extensions, fingerless gloves, whore boots and/or her big goofy smile. I was pulling for her to win this award over Ty for the ginormous orange ring she wore with the purple-Prince jacket…the one she even wore when she ATE DINNER THAT NIGHT. That ring tipped the scale BIG TIME. I seriously don’t even know how she could lift her hand…I honestly wished it had been a little heavier and made it impossible to pull the microphone to her mouth that night.
BEST PROVIDER OF COMEDIC MATERIAL AWARD-BRANDON CALHOON
CRYSTAL: When I first heard Gina utter the words “Gah, he’s Encino Man!” I knew there was something special about Brandon. The shape of his face, the protruding forehead, the way his mouth moves like a Muppet when he talks, the small, beady eyes….THE CLOTHES…he makes everything too easy. But I think I speak for Gina when I say that’s okay with us, anyone who is too hard to make fun of is usually never worth the effort.
GINA: His face is what fascinates me the most. The large, sloping forehead, tiny, flat eyes, and the prominent jaw create a jarring Caveman aesthetic and have we learned nothing from Will Ferrell? It is hilarious when Cavemen sing. Then we move on to his performance skills which consisted largely of incoherent, nonsensical flailing and mushy mouthed, overconfident delivery and what is there to not make fun of? You know, if Brandon ever read this he would probably want to stab me in the face and, really? Can't blame him. But let me say right now that if that ever happened, all this was completely worth it.
BEST FACIAL HAIR AWARD-KIRK PENGILLY
CRYSTAL: Nothing makes me giggle faster than a face full of caricatured facial hair. And that being said, Kirk, you have some of the best I’ve ever seen. Just the fact you allow yourself to walk around in public, in daylight no less, with that pencil mustache and a goatee making a perfect triangle…makes me fall in love. I love anyone who makes me laugh. Kirk, I love you.
GINA: Do you all remember the guy from the Backstreet Boys who had the crazy-manicured facial hair? I like to think of Kirk as his dad. You know, you've just got to appreciate anyone who will rock a Satan pencil beard and those little John Lennon thick framed glasses and still feel good about himself. You were a band geek when you were younger, weren't you Kirk? You don't have to lie to me, it doesn't matter anymore, but you totally were, right?
BEST RACK AWARD-DEANNA JOHNSON
GINA: There was much temptation to give this one to MiG, but in the end the sheer magnitude of Deanna's chest was too much to deny. You have very large breasts, Deanna, and for that we give you a tip of the hat. Nice hoots.
CRYSTAL: Deanna, don’t be offended by this. Think of yourself as the would-be best looking hooker in a cat-house. With those headlights, you could pay for that recording studio you’re hubby went bankrupt to build in like three months. Six, tops.
MOST LIKELY NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN AWARD-JESSICA ROBINSON
CRYSTAL: There is comfort in the solace and peace that washes over after you have failed miserably at the goal that could have made your future wondrous. Your clenched jaw has relaxed, your neck ache has dulled, your burning throat is cooled…you have lost…and you will never regain what you may have had. I understand this all too well, Jessica, as do you. For this we present to you this award: You know no one will ever hear from you again, but look at it this way, Jess, at least you’re sleeping through the night once more.
BEST IMPRESSION OF A ROCK STAR AWARD-NEAL CARLSON
CRYSTAL: I know I’m not the only one with the opinion that Neil left way too soon. For this, we present the Award for the man who did the Best Impression of a Rock Star. I could have seen him do great things if it wasn’t for the fatal flaw of, uh, singing that HORRIBLE summer of ’69 song…and singing it badly. I liked Neil, he was a character, plus he was skinnier than any 10 mile a day running, stringy haired, finger-down-her-throat supermodel, and that’s just funny.
CUTEST COUPLE AWARD-MARTY CASEY AND JORDIS UNGA
GINA: If sexual tension were a river in the United States than Marty and Jordis would be the Mississippi. As someone who didn’t watch the reality shows, I still caught on to the notion that, at least on Marty’s part, they were totally into each other. Then I saw Jordis’ boyfriend, and he might be a really nice guy and treat her like gold, but based on first impressions, Jordis could do about a million times better. His band can’t be that good, lady. Take some advice from me, you two, and get on with it already. I love couples that look completely opposite from each other because it is great fun imagining what their children might look like. In a situation like that they are either going to look like models or freaks. With these two I’m thinking models. Do the world a favor, Marty and Jordis, please procreate and make beautiful, talented (and maybe a little creepy if they take after Dad) babies.
BEST CANADIAN AWARD-JD FORTUNE
CRYSTAL: I know this will not come as a shock, but the award goes to…JD. And on a more personal note can I add that I was duly impressed with the Canadians on this show? Like, this wasn’t the winter Olympics…this is Rock ‘n Roll (or an INXS/CBS watered down version of R&R) but still, the Canadians kicked ass. Blame Canada Indeed!
GINA: You know, Jim Carrey, Mike Meyers, and JD Fortune almost make up for foisting Celine Dion on an unsuspecting America (and the world....have you no shame???). Thanks, Canada, for alerting me to the fact that Canadian dudes are freaking hot. I don't know if you all were planning on keeping that shit a secret, but our next vacation will be our friendly northern neighbors. You had better not be fucking with us, I will be so pissed if JD is an anomaly and it's all ugly dudes everywhere.
BEST USE OF “FIERCENESS” AWARD-TY TAYLOR
GINA: Respect must be paid to the scary model poses that Ty graced us with week after week. You can practically hear the vaguely European photographer. Yeah, Ty, that's it. Give me attitude! Show me who's King Bitch! Work it, sex the camera, Ty. SEX THE CAMERA. That is actually what Ty hears in his head. Don't ask me how I know, it's a really long story and I won't bore you with the details.
CRYSTAL: Oh Gina, just tell them. Alright, I will. Gina likes stealing and then reading other people’s diaries. Then she tells me all about it. Trust me, Ty’s could be a best seller.
BEST SHAPESHIFTER AWARD-MARTY CASEY
CRYSTAL: Being a person born with a face that makes every stranger I meet seem to say “I think I’ve seen you somewhere” or “I have a cousin that looks just like you,” I can understand how this award might irritate Martin. For that, I apologize. Just know you’re not alone, Changeling. You’re not alone.
GINA: As I have said before Marty has a future in the CIA if he ever decides to quit rocking. Here is a short list of celebrities and other notable persons he resembles: David Spade, David Bowie, Tom Petty, Thomas Hayden Church, Julian Sands, The gelfling in "The Dark Crystal", Natasha Richardson, and Tom Felton.
BEST CAVEMAN AWARD-BRANDON “PEACOCKIN’” CALHOON
GINA: The best part about his award is that it's just an excuse to make fun of Brandon again. But for serious guys.....for serious, it's like I sat down and wrote a story that magically came to life. Like, I would write this funny little story about this caveman that was unfrozen and the first thing he listened to was the Spin Doctors and the second thing he heard was The Black Crowes, and he wanted to be a rock star and at first everyone loved him, because America loves an untalented freak (see William Hung, although I will admit that Brandon is definitely more talented) and then we cast him aside because we are fickle and cruel and everyone is over the joke. Then he goes and lives in the woods and no one ever hears from him again and the world is so ecstatic that it could just choke.
CRYSTAL: This is the story I plan to read to my future children at bedtime. Then I’ll tell them Brandon lives under their bed (not the woods), you know, for kicks.
THE COOLEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO STAR SEARCH AWARD-JORDIS UNGA
CRYSTAL: I am giving this award to Jordis because: I wanna be cool like Jordis. I don’t want to have to ask my mom (again) why she let me continue to be such a dork for so long. Please, God, make me cool like Jordis. Oh! and can I say, shame on you Star Search, you obviously would not know real talent if it crawled up Ed McMahon’s ass and did an Irish jig.
GINA: Obviously we were grasping at straws a little bit with this one. We wanted to give Jordis her own award because she totally kicks ass and this was the best we could do. I’m with you, Crystal, I wanna be cool like Jordis. We love her here at RSFT. Not her clothes, but her as a person. Star Search never knew what they were missing and there is a definite part of me that wants to be BFF with you. You rock.
BEST MAN NIPPLES AWARD-DAVE NAVARRO
GINA: In this award, at least, “best” does not mean better than everyone else, it means Dave’s were exposed more than anyone else’s (even MiG!) and those two nubs of flesh on his upper chest are owed a shout out. I’m sure that they are conditioned after all this time of prolonged exposure, resistant to extreme heat and cold, but that doesn’t make them any less deserving. They are the workhorse of the Navarro wardrobe and we give them an official pat on the back. Dave, make sure to work in a little extra lotion on them as a thank you through these dry, winter months.
CRYSTAL: I have begun to hate everything about men’s nipples after this show. I mean, what do they need them for anyway? I don’t like that a discolored, weirdly pointed, tough patch of skin is the focal point of any “man.” I’m sick of them. I would sign a petition tomorrow to get rid of them altogether. I mean, for men, at least.
BEST LOOKING MEMBER OF INXS AWARD-GARY BEERS
CRYSTAL: This award from me comes with a condition, Gary…I love the way you look, I think you are by far the best looking member of INXS, but by-God, you’ve got to get rid of the leather pants. I’m sorry, but it’s not 1988 anymore, they ain’tcoming back, Gary, no matter how hard you try. And more importantly, leather pants don’t breathe, that can’t be good for the ‘ol package.
GINA: To me, at least, there is a slightly creepy feeling attached to finding people my parents' age attractive. Like I may as well be carrying a sign that says, "I Have Daddy Issues". Gary, you make me uncomfortable in the best way possible. I agree with Crystal on the leather pants. It's like the middle-aged woman who still shops in the juniors section. It makes you look older, not younger. I would kill to see you in a nice, simple suit and tie. Mmmmm.....old guys.
THE “SEE HOW QUICKLY A GOOD THING CAN BE DESTROYED” AWARD-JD FORTUNE
CRYSTAL: I prefer to call this “Crystal’s Personal Bone of Contention Award.” One, because my ego is so large that I like to have my name on EVERYTHING. And two, I hate Ellie Mae for doing this to JD…she doesn’t deserve her job. She doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as JD, much less touch him on a weekly basis. I’m sick of thinking about it. Congratulations on your Award and watch your back.
GINA: This award best illustrates our most important point. The canvasses on which Ellie Mae created her “art” were good ones. Handsome and pretty ones. All it takes is one K-Mart Jacqueline Smith Collection grandma button up to utterly annihilate it; Nagasaki-style. We are thinking about bringing a civil case against Ellie Mae for emotional distress and let me tell you right now that this will be exhibit A.
Best Outfit in a Performance Show
Nominees:
. Marty Casey-Week Three (eagle shirt with red wrist bands)
2. JD Fortune-Week Eleven (Finale suit)
3. Brooke Burke-Week Seven (red dress with roman sandal)
4. Jordis Unga-Week Two (black with silver scarf and black gloves)
5. Marty Casey-Week Ten (purple button up with black pants)
Winner-Marty Casey Week Three
Worst Outfit in a Perfomance Show
Nominees
1. Suzie McNeil-Week Two (pink tunic, jean skirt)
2. Ty Taylor-Week Six (plaid pants, mohawk ponytail)
3. MiG Ayesa-Week Seven (skull pants)
4. Suzie McNeil-Week Eight (purple bell sleeves)
5. MiG Ayesa-Week Four (white leather pants with horrible multi colored jacket)
Winner-Suzie McNeil Week Eight
ELLIE MAE AIKEN MEMORIAL FASHION FUCK UP AWARD-MiG AYESA
GINA: While I can't blame MiG for playing to his strengths, which are that he is essentially a more butch Davy Jones, I can't forgive the offensive amounts of man-cleavage and tight pants that were your permanent costumes. It was a close race with Suzie, but the skull pants and white leather tie ups were the clinchers. You are a nice guy, funny, immensely likeable and all that. I won't take that away from you. I do revoke your liscense to appear on television without written costume approval from me, however, and you will be hearing from my lawyers.
CRYSTAL: MiG, I love ya. I would probably hang my head in shame and self-loathing if I ever met you. But you have to understand, you do not have to follow the rules of “it’s not a party unless I’m showing my best assets,” because, honestly, your assets kinda give me the heebie jeebies. Seriously, let your wife take over from here…you obviously have something about letting EVERYONE walk all over you. Your wife seems nice. Let her do the walking.
FASHION MVP—THE CRYSTAL AND GINA FASHION EXCELLENCE AWARD-MARTY CASEY
CRYSTAL: It’s Marty. Was there ever any doubt? Marty helped make the thought that the Ellie Mae plague would never reach widespread epidemic. Marty, dressing well each show was so much more than just pleasing aesthetics…it was for the good of all mankind. For that, we salute you.
GINA: Duh....Marty. No contest. We couldn't even think of anyone else to be in the running. Thank you for being there when we needed you. Thank you for making us feel like we weren't crazy and that everyone really did look like a music video gone terribly wrong. Thank you for being you, Marty. We love you.
So there it is, folks, the end. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was occasionally funny, occasionally (okay, mostly) mean-spirited. It took three fucking months, but here we are. Thank you to every person that read this even if they didn’t think it was very funny and never came back. It really meant a lot. I would like to close this out by sharing a secret with you all. I obsessively check sitemeter to see how many hits we’ve gotten, if anyone’s linked to us, or whatever. And if there is nothing else to be proud of, we can be proud of this: When you look up the following things on search.msn.com you will find RSFT on the first page of results.
1. 90’s Porno Star
2. “leather pants” ass fuck boots
3. Prince Pussy Patrol pics
4. Breastfeeding photos
5. sheen spandex asshole
6. pictures of raped booties
7. I want to fuck JD Fortune
So the biggest thanks goes to Ellie Mae Aiken. If you were not half as bad as you are, we would have never felt the need to start this blog. This is for you, Ellie Mae, to remind you every day of how badly you suck. Thanks.
Also of note is the fact that we will be doing a little something for the upcoming season of American Idol. Not another Fashion Tragedy, per se, although a lot of the clothes on that show are absolute puke. So come and join us in January for more snarktastic fun. The blog is located at http://aithebestworstever.blogspot.com. So if all goes well, and we haven’t alienated you with RSFT, stop by American Idol: The Best Worst Show on Television and we’ll see if we can’t manage to offend you this time.
Additionally, we will be attending the INXS show in sunny Las Vegas come the end of January. We hear that many of you bitches will also be there. So maybe we'll see you around! I'll probably be shitfaced, just to warn you, and if you think I'm obnoxious now you should see me when I'm wasted! Crystal a the more responsible, quieter, drunk. So yeah, Vegas and JD. Good Times.
Gina
