Week Eleven-The Final Countdown
Well, it is down to just three of those Rock Star Wannabes. How impressed was everyone else that INXS did not go the obvious PC route and have Suzie in the final three? My respect for them went up exponentially after booting her. It was a good run for these three. They got their names in the papers and the Internet, their faces were all over television and, more importantly, they were very significant characters on RS:INXS A Fashion Tragedy.
This week we have decided to quickly go through the final three rockers, because let's face it; no one really looks all that terrible. Then (for our pleasure) we will be going through some little extra photos that are especially near and dear to our hearts. We laugh at, we cry for, we love you rockers. You have so made this whole experience enjoyably hil-larious. Gina and I appreciate anyone who is good for a laugh and you guys have made our stomachs cramp at one time or another. For that we owe so much.
Oh and Gina, I see that Ellie Mae's soul facsimile bowed to your threats and the pictures are now viewable again. I always knew she was both spineless and weak. Go you!
WEEK ELEVEN
CRYSTAL: Although MiG's hair looks like JonBenet Ramsey's mother got her cold blooded hands into it, MiG looks the best he has ever looked this week. I have a rule of men wearing a white button up shirt without an undershirt (mainly because I had a teacher who failed to adhere to this rule and I could see his man nipples right through it, eww) but I'm going to just let that go since I can't see MiG's nipples. Although, I could probably draw them from memory by now. MiG rarely looks so normal. It's almost as if he's just like every other gay guy now. Not a gay guy with a costume on. (And yes, I know he's married, please don't send comments calling me on my bullshit.) Good for you, MiG.
GINA: Really, what are you going to say? He's got cleavage, tight black jeans, and the full on Elf-Dude hair. Just like last week, and the week before that, and the week before that. I like his jacket, and I like the fact that he is a man who can get away with wearing a choker, but I just can't make fun of it anymore. This outfit is so good in comparison, I don't even know where to begin to mock it. Since this is the last week by week, we-have-no-choice-in-this picture of MiG, I'm gonna stop. Right now. I'm so tired and I don't really feel like putting forth “effort”, being “creative”, or “thinking”.
CRYSTAL: For some reason, by the end of the show, the editors decided it was time to make Marty look like a cocky asshole. I don't believe he actually is, but they were obviously trying their damnedest to edit him into someone who seemed too big headed and too controlling to lead the decades old band. This picture…doesn't really make him seem any less cockified. While I do appreciate that his face doesn't look like he was caught sticking his hand down someone's pants, I feel like this pose in no way makes him look like the “nice guy” character he inhabited in the beginning of the show. His jacket and pants look great, by the way, I thought I'd just throw that in there since this was supposed to be about fashion.
GINA: I think Marty is wearing the see-through shirt again, but to his credit, I didn't notice it right away. I agree with you on the Marty asshole edit. I don't think Marty is the kind of guy who would say things like that if he wasn't getting encouragement that indicated he was doing the right thing or what was wanted of him. He seemed to really want the job and I can't imagine that he'd be that frank if he didn't think it would be well received.
CRYSTAL: I too thought that his shirt was see-through, but I can spare you the suffering to tell you it was not. The shirt has lots of tiny white dots on it. I am not a big fan of the shirt but Marty still looks good. Aside from the fact that they used way too dark of an eyepencil shade for his eyebrows (stupid makeup woman) he looked liked he was defending his crown very well tonight.
GINA: Marty didn't really have a whole lot of competition in the fashion department. It is an achievement to be sure, but it is a cheap and easy victory, much like how I had the best mark in my seventh grade English class before it was discovered at mid semester that I had been mistakenly placed in the “kids who need a lot of extra help with English” class period. My teacher switched me out and soon enough, I was back in the middle of the grades pack just like usual. I guess I'm trying to say be proud, but don't let it get out of control. A little perspective never hurt anybody.
CRYSTAL: Well, after making up last week, JD let me help him pick out this outfit for tonight's show. And if I do say so myself, he never looked as tempting he does right here in this picture. He's like a big, steaming, hot plate of JD. Ordering off the menu costs a fortune, but it's worth it in his case. (pun intended) I love this jacket with all of its buttons and as much as I always thought black jeans would never come back in style, this so proves me wrong. I tried to not get him to wear the Guido chains, but there was no talking him out of it, so instead of having another argument, I let him wear it. Just, argh, I could eat him alive anyway.
GINA: Yeah, I'm not caring too much about the necklaces. At least there are only two of them and neither are on the level of obnoxiousness that is EM's MO. This picture is everything I liked/hated about JD. How he's so smug because look at him, of course he knows how hot he is. How he's probably slid by in life on his looks and by spouting, as ShowerSinger from the Snarkgasm boards put it, his little goofily pseudo-intellectualisms. I know that a conversation with him would involve heavy use of the phrases, "You and I both know" (Which, Crystal, I think I stole from you. Good call) and "You can't bullshit a bullshitter". It would have been so much easier had he been a talentless joke. Once he got on stage and started doing his thing, annoying as it should have been, (I think that's where the hot factor comes in for me) it was good. Really good.
CRYSTAL: I would love to see a “conversation” between you and JD, Gina. I think it would have the same uncomfortable air as when you spoke down to that English guy on our vacation in London for asking you to bum a cigarette after he wouldn't let you use his lighter. It would be small, petty and hil-lari-ous.
GINA: Before you, dear readers, start getting the wrong impression of me, I don't think I was talking down to him so much as letting him know that he is a total asshole. There's this little thing I like to call Smoker's Etiquette and it states that if a cigarette is given kindly, with no fuss or ill feelings, then a lighter should be procured for the givee of said cigarette, if needed, and it shall be provided with little to no complaint. Not with “There's a candle you can use over there” accompanied by an eye roll and a dismissive wave of the hands. Also this was the fourth or fifth time he'd been out and out rude to either Crystal or myself over the course of our stay in London. So if you are ever at the Baltic Vodka Bar over on Blackfriar's Road, know that this is where I finally lost my patience with the English Prick whom I will not name here. Also, the drinks there are unbelievable. I had this cocktail with mashed pears and mint that was the best thing I have ever drank. I can't think of the name now, it's Polish, I think, but damn. That was yummy.
Also? Crystal, English Prick, and yours truly were sitting around talking and I said something along the lines of “I think every country in the UK and Europe should have a parade to show how grateful they are to the Americans for everything that we have done for them.” Which was, of course, A TOTAL JOKE, said in the most sarcastic tone known to man and he thought we were serious. God. Asshole. I'm hoping at this point you understand why I said something about the lighter. It was the sum of all the rude and fake treatment from English Prick. And it must be said that he was gracious and apologetic about it once I brought it up. I know he thought I was too stupid to realize that he was being a jerk, but once I called it on him, he improved. To his credit, or whatever.
However, you can't make fun of me without my knowing it, you limey bastard. The English may have invented dry, subtle, and somewhat mean-spirited humor but Midwesterners co-opted that shit a long time ago. We aren't as good at it, but we grasp and fully understand the concept.
v
CRYSTAL: I'll be happy when its time to stop ridiculing Brooke and her undesirable taste in friends (i.e. Ellie Mae). But until then, I will just have to keep on keeping on…Brooke, you look down right matronly tonight with all your stops and whistles covered up. I'll bet when your young daughter saw you in that get up she cried for her real mommy to come back. I don't think this dress does anything for Brooke's figure. The scrunches hide any sort of hourglass shape she may have, the boots are fugly, the little piece of fabric that hangs in the front just looks like the designer forgot to cut it off. Once again, Ellie Mae, you have triumphed. I hope you're proud of yourself.
GINA: Ellie Mae's final “Fuck You” to Brooke Burke is making me think that EM is attempting to jump start a new trend. Wearing gigantic, cumbersome, walking casts as shoes. And then taking chain-mail and wrapping them in anywhichway around the booties. The best part about this dress is that it is by Mizzae, EM's own clothing line. Again, this is perfect in demonstrating all that is wretched and wrong about Ellie Mae. In essentials the frock is pretty, but EM is always there to take it too far. The dangling fabric may be nice for wiping your mouth clean after a long night of drinking or making industry “connections” but it's hurting my eyes and running this dress. Along with the boots, which are horrific. Brooke, the next time you see Ellie Mae, you need to take a page from my book and let that bitch know what an asshole she is.
CRYSTAL: Ah, Dave, I hope you had those pants dry cleaned since the last time you wore them, which was like two shows ago. Although, come to think of it, I am pretty sure that Dave has many, many pairs of ill fitting black, leather pants. And, I know a lot of bikers, I don't think a chest full of tattoos counts as a shirt. I'm done with you, Dave. Done. Finished. Color me bored, I'm gonna take a nap. Good luck with that band of yours, Mr. Navarro, I'm sure it sucks.
GINA: In the aftermath of our show, Rock Star: INXS, I have one burning wish. That Dave Narvarro stay the hell away from Jordis. I don't know what you are playing at, Dave, but you had better leave your taint off of her debut album, or I will be one angry Internet nerd. Or an angrier Internet nerd. Jordis is better than that, and I'm sure that there are people a lot cooler and a lot more talented that would like to hang out with her, so please quit taking up all of her time. She may seem like she wants you around, but deep down she's a nice girl and she doesn't know how to tell you to go away. You have served your purpose, being the Paula Abdul of Rock Star, and now you shall slide back into relative obscurity without taking one of the more talented contestants with you. Give her back, Dave. Give her back while she's still got a fighting chance.
CRYSTAL: Alright. Before I start, it has come to my attention that there are readers of our sarcastic blog are under the assumption that I actually BELIEVE that I am marrying JD Fortune. (Discovered through board postings.) I would like to assure everyone, I am under no such delusion. I am merely a simple fan of irony and humor and thought it would be generous to extend irony to as many people as possible. I apologize to all who got the joke…when you have to explain it, it loses all its funny. Anyway, let us move on to this picture. Gina and I were flabbergasted. We came to the conclusion that there are only two reasons why JD would look like this. One: this is the real JD. All the fear and self loathing from JD being our favorite has a new and sadder meaning. The real JD looks like every tool we went to high school with. I don't know about all of you, but in our high school, all tools wore the same uniform consisting of cheap looking, baggy jeans, t-shirt with “ha-ha” funny shit written on the front, and mandatory hair spiking with highlights. But, there is a possible second explanation…and we are trying really hard to believe this is the correct explanation. Maybe JD was so sick of living in his car and eating stale Triscuits for dinner, he decided to go ahead and join a band that was against everything he believes in. And since he always give 110%, he was forced to wear these clothes and spike his hair, you know, for the fans…you guys, seriously, I had to keep asking Gina if she was sure this was JD…its just so heart crushingly sad.
GINA: It was seriously painful the first time I saw that picture. The only thing I can equate to it is when I found out that my boyfriend played Dungeons and Dragons at the public library until he was a sophomore in high school. That jolt of utter shock, mixed with a feeling of embarrassment and a hint of "Certainly this is not the person I fell in love with?" I mean nothing against D&D nerds, puberty is a confusing time and I realize that pretending to be a level 12 Dark Sun Cyonic Defiler with a +18 in Wisdom and an improved critical strike makes the medicine go down a bit easier. Honestly, though? There is no need to do this at the library, is there? You live in a house, and if you can't have friends over, then there has to be one among you that has a residence that is good for hanging out. It's just that I remember the guys who used to do that kind of thing, in public, and I cannot believe I love one of them. Which is how I feel about this picture of JD. "Your Mom Thinks I'm Hot" is no better than carrying around a big bag of 12 sided dice, wearing a t-shirt with an airbrushed wolf on it, while you publicly and seriously discuss the adventures of JRR Tolkien archetypes. I would put my JD lust in the shameful category to begin with him wearing a statement tee that he got at Gadzook's on sale two for $20 isn't going to help anything. Gadzooks was the Hot Topic of the mid nineties, with less shitty music, since they, thankfully, never took the "listen to this music and be cool" route. But yeah, if you needed one of those charming 69 shirts or a "you're just jealous the voices are talking to me" tee, that'd be your place.
CRYSTAL: I don't know what's more disturbing, your boyfriend playing D&D period or you knowing what “level 12 Dark Sun Cyonic Defiler with a +18 in Wisdom” is. Jesus. I also don't know if I should be embarrassed or impressed with your knowledge. Honestly, no idea.
GINA: My boyfriend told me what to write for that part. Our conversation went something like this
GINA BF: Why are you looking up Dungeons and Dragons jargon on the Internet?
GINA: Uhhh…for that Rock Star thing I'm doing
GINA BF: What are you gonna talk about?
GINA: Uhhh…..nothing?
GINA BF: What do you need to know?
GINA: I dunno, naming character attributes with authority, I guess
GINA BF: Let me read what you've got.
GINA: No.
GINA BF: Why not?
GINA: Just because. Don't.
GINA BF: Let me read it
GINA: Fine, but don't get mad at me, this is the first time I've talked about you on the blog, I swear.
GINA BF: Hmmmm….I don't think that playing D&D is so much different from writing about what people wore on a reality show. I was 16, you're 24.
GINA: I'm funny. D&D isn't funny. On purpose, at least.
GINA BF: Tell em you're a Dark Sun Cyonic Defiler.
GINA: Is that what you were?
GINA BF: Nope. But it's funny.
GINA: Are you mad at me?
GINA BF: No, but do these people know how you dress? You don't have any style.
GINA: I have style.
GINA BF: Sometimes. But you have to admit that a lot of the time you dress like a lesbian.
GINA: Shut. Up.
CRYSTAL: This is where it all began with EM and Suzie. The commencement of the masochistic friendship between these two broads make me nostalgic for the first few posts of Fashion Tragedy….when I still had an cache of quick and witty put downs. Now that it's getting toward to end of it all I don't know what else there is to say. I have to bust my balls to come up with what once came so easily. Ah, life. So we know that Ellie Mae took Suzie under her tragic fashion wing and squeezed her fat head until she dressed in the most laugh inducing costumes this side of Cats, the musical. Ellie Mae has already woven her accessories magic and has placed what looks to be five pieces of flava on Suzie, including two moon size earrings. And, Jesus, she is just getting started. This picture reminds me of the question…. “if you could go back in time and kill Adolf Hitler, while he was still innocent, before he became a mass murdering psycho, to save millions from genocide, would you do it?” Now, would I kill Ellie Mae, at this moment, before she was able to embarrass these innocent rawkers publicly? No. That is a little extreme. But, I may poke out her eyes.
GINA: I'm getting "Stage-Mother" vibes from this one. "Now, Suzie, when you go out there, you make sure to smile. And no mistakes! You know what happens when you drop lyrics, don't you? That's right......one crack of the belt for every syllable missed. You go out there and make me glad I didn't give you up for adoption like Mama told me to, Suzie. You hear me? Little Ron is hungry and while your living it up like some fancy singing star, we can't make rent over at the ExtendedStay. You better win this thing. Mama loves you."
CRYSTAL: Now I lay me, down to sleep, I pray the Lord, my soul to keep…what I mean, Lord, is just take me while I sleep, so I NEVER have to see this vision again. Are all you MiG fans who lust uncontrollably for this hairless mini man just dreaming of waking up to this pretty face? Do you fluff the top of your pillow until it resembles MiG's coif and put a pair of your “skinny jeans” on the bottom of the pillow to complete the look? I imagine you do. If there was ever a single, solitary moment when MiG wanted to appear like a real man, I believe he has just lost the battle. But thanks, MiG, I haven't laughed so hard since Al Rocker fell flat on his face while covering Hurricane Wilma a couple weeks ago when. God I love reality TV.
GINA: This is quite possibly the meanest thing I have ever done. I don't know about the rest of you, but a mere glimpse of this pox on MiG's coolness gives me the giggles. Repeatedly. I'm sure MiG's a little embarrassed that this exists. This looks like the shoot for the cover of Lithuania's newest pop sensation. A pose that blatantly says, "Twelve Year Old Girls, You WILL LOVE ME." Again, he is giving me that kittenish-sexy thing and it is creeping me out. That's what girls do, MiG, so back off and find your own gimmick. Honestly, this wasn't the worst part of the shoot. That was when he mussed his hair and literally PRANCED around for the cameras. I admire how secure you must be in your manhood, because I am having the hardest time imagining that you didn't get your ass kicked every single day after school. Hell, I really want to give you a wedgie after this.
So that's it for this update folks. Next time will be our Fashion Superlatives and special Group Blog, featuring the always hilarious HillMama and our sister-in-snark RocketMelee (Caroline). We will hand out our worsts and bests, feature a few more of our favorite snaps, and try to let Rock Star go. Which totally won't happen. We will find some other way to talk about it everyday. Not since we put my beloved dog to sleep have I had such a hard time saying goodbye. So we'll see you in a week or so, and we'll send this thing off right. Thanks to everyone who took the time to email us, or comment, or read this. We really get off on that sort of thing, so these past couple of months have been great for us. You all rule.
This week we have decided to quickly go through the final three rockers, because let's face it; no one really looks all that terrible. Then (for our pleasure) we will be going through some little extra photos that are especially near and dear to our hearts. We laugh at, we cry for, we love you rockers. You have so made this whole experience enjoyably hil-larious. Gina and I appreciate anyone who is good for a laugh and you guys have made our stomachs cramp at one time or another. For that we owe so much.
Oh and Gina, I see that Ellie Mae's soul facsimile bowed to your threats and the pictures are now viewable again. I always knew she was both spineless and weak. Go you!
CRYSTAL: Although MiG's hair looks like JonBenet Ramsey's mother got her cold blooded hands into it, MiG looks the best he has ever looked this week. I have a rule of men wearing a white button up shirt without an undershirt (mainly because I had a teacher who failed to adhere to this rule and I could see his man nipples right through it, eww) but I'm going to just let that go since I can't see MiG's nipples. Although, I could probably draw them from memory by now. MiG rarely looks so normal. It's almost as if he's just like every other gay guy now. Not a gay guy with a costume on. (And yes, I know he's married, please don't send comments calling me on my bullshit.) Good for you, MiG.
GINA: Really, what are you going to say? He's got cleavage, tight black jeans, and the full on Elf-Dude hair. Just like last week, and the week before that, and the week before that. I like his jacket, and I like the fact that he is a man who can get away with wearing a choker, but I just can't make fun of it anymore. This outfit is so good in comparison, I don't even know where to begin to mock it. Since this is the last week by week, we-have-no-choice-in-this picture of MiG, I'm gonna stop. Right now. I'm so tired and I don't really feel like putting forth “effort”, being “creative”, or “thinking”.
CRYSTAL: For some reason, by the end of the show, the editors decided it was time to make Marty look like a cocky asshole. I don't believe he actually is, but they were obviously trying their damnedest to edit him into someone who seemed too big headed and too controlling to lead the decades old band. This picture…doesn't really make him seem any less cockified. While I do appreciate that his face doesn't look like he was caught sticking his hand down someone's pants, I feel like this pose in no way makes him look like the “nice guy” character he inhabited in the beginning of the show. His jacket and pants look great, by the way, I thought I'd just throw that in there since this was supposed to be about fashion.
GINA: I think Marty is wearing the see-through shirt again, but to his credit, I didn't notice it right away. I agree with you on the Marty asshole edit. I don't think Marty is the kind of guy who would say things like that if he wasn't getting encouragement that indicated he was doing the right thing or what was wanted of him. He seemed to really want the job and I can't imagine that he'd be that frank if he didn't think it would be well received.
CRYSTAL: I too thought that his shirt was see-through, but I can spare you the suffering to tell you it was not. The shirt has lots of tiny white dots on it. I am not a big fan of the shirt but Marty still looks good. Aside from the fact that they used way too dark of an eyepencil shade for his eyebrows (stupid makeup woman) he looked liked he was defending his crown very well tonight.
GINA: Marty didn't really have a whole lot of competition in the fashion department. It is an achievement to be sure, but it is a cheap and easy victory, much like how I had the best mark in my seventh grade English class before it was discovered at mid semester that I had been mistakenly placed in the “kids who need a lot of extra help with English” class period. My teacher switched me out and soon enough, I was back in the middle of the grades pack just like usual. I guess I'm trying to say be proud, but don't let it get out of control. A little perspective never hurt anybody.
CRYSTAL: Well, after making up last week, JD let me help him pick out this outfit for tonight's show. And if I do say so myself, he never looked as tempting he does right here in this picture. He's like a big, steaming, hot plate of JD. Ordering off the menu costs a fortune, but it's worth it in his case. (pun intended) I love this jacket with all of its buttons and as much as I always thought black jeans would never come back in style, this so proves me wrong. I tried to not get him to wear the Guido chains, but there was no talking him out of it, so instead of having another argument, I let him wear it. Just, argh, I could eat him alive anyway.
GINA: Yeah, I'm not caring too much about the necklaces. At least there are only two of them and neither are on the level of obnoxiousness that is EM's MO. This picture is everything I liked/hated about JD. How he's so smug because look at him, of course he knows how hot he is. How he's probably slid by in life on his looks and by spouting, as ShowerSinger from the Snarkgasm boards put it, his little goofily pseudo-intellectualisms. I know that a conversation with him would involve heavy use of the phrases, "You and I both know" (Which, Crystal, I think I stole from you. Good call) and "You can't bullshit a bullshitter". It would have been so much easier had he been a talentless joke. Once he got on stage and started doing his thing, annoying as it should have been, (I think that's where the hot factor comes in for me) it was good. Really good.
CRYSTAL: I would love to see a “conversation” between you and JD, Gina. I think it would have the same uncomfortable air as when you spoke down to that English guy on our vacation in London for asking you to bum a cigarette after he wouldn't let you use his lighter. It would be small, petty and hil-lari-ous.
GINA: Before you, dear readers, start getting the wrong impression of me, I don't think I was talking down to him so much as letting him know that he is a total asshole. There's this little thing I like to call Smoker's Etiquette and it states that if a cigarette is given kindly, with no fuss or ill feelings, then a lighter should be procured for the givee of said cigarette, if needed, and it shall be provided with little to no complaint. Not with “There's a candle you can use over there” accompanied by an eye roll and a dismissive wave of the hands. Also this was the fourth or fifth time he'd been out and out rude to either Crystal or myself over the course of our stay in London. So if you are ever at the Baltic Vodka Bar over on Blackfriar's Road, know that this is where I finally lost my patience with the English Prick whom I will not name here. Also, the drinks there are unbelievable. I had this cocktail with mashed pears and mint that was the best thing I have ever drank. I can't think of the name now, it's Polish, I think, but damn. That was yummy.
Also? Crystal, English Prick, and yours truly were sitting around talking and I said something along the lines of “I think every country in the UK and Europe should have a parade to show how grateful they are to the Americans for everything that we have done for them.” Which was, of course, A TOTAL JOKE, said in the most sarcastic tone known to man and he thought we were serious. God. Asshole. I'm hoping at this point you understand why I said something about the lighter. It was the sum of all the rude and fake treatment from English Prick. And it must be said that he was gracious and apologetic about it once I brought it up. I know he thought I was too stupid to realize that he was being a jerk, but once I called it on him, he improved. To his credit, or whatever.
However, you can't make fun of me without my knowing it, you limey bastard. The English may have invented dry, subtle, and somewhat mean-spirited humor but Midwesterners co-opted that shit a long time ago. We aren't as good at it, but we grasp and fully understand the concept.
CRYSTAL: I'll be happy when its time to stop ridiculing Brooke and her undesirable taste in friends (i.e. Ellie Mae). But until then, I will just have to keep on keeping on…Brooke, you look down right matronly tonight with all your stops and whistles covered up. I'll bet when your young daughter saw you in that get up she cried for her real mommy to come back. I don't think this dress does anything for Brooke's figure. The scrunches hide any sort of hourglass shape she may have, the boots are fugly, the little piece of fabric that hangs in the front just looks like the designer forgot to cut it off. Once again, Ellie Mae, you have triumphed. I hope you're proud of yourself.
GINA: Ellie Mae's final “Fuck You” to Brooke Burke is making me think that EM is attempting to jump start a new trend. Wearing gigantic, cumbersome, walking casts as shoes. And then taking chain-mail and wrapping them in anywhichway around the booties. The best part about this dress is that it is by Mizzae, EM's own clothing line. Again, this is perfect in demonstrating all that is wretched and wrong about Ellie Mae. In essentials the frock is pretty, but EM is always there to take it too far. The dangling fabric may be nice for wiping your mouth clean after a long night of drinking or making industry “connections” but it's hurting my eyes and running this dress. Along with the boots, which are horrific. Brooke, the next time you see Ellie Mae, you need to take a page from my book and let that bitch know what an asshole she is.
CRYSTAL: Ah, Dave, I hope you had those pants dry cleaned since the last time you wore them, which was like two shows ago. Although, come to think of it, I am pretty sure that Dave has many, many pairs of ill fitting black, leather pants. And, I know a lot of bikers, I don't think a chest full of tattoos counts as a shirt. I'm done with you, Dave. Done. Finished. Color me bored, I'm gonna take a nap. Good luck with that band of yours, Mr. Navarro, I'm sure it sucks.
GINA: In the aftermath of our show, Rock Star: INXS, I have one burning wish. That Dave Narvarro stay the hell away from Jordis. I don't know what you are playing at, Dave, but you had better leave your taint off of her debut album, or I will be one angry Internet nerd. Or an angrier Internet nerd. Jordis is better than that, and I'm sure that there are people a lot cooler and a lot more talented that would like to hang out with her, so please quit taking up all of her time. She may seem like she wants you around, but deep down she's a nice girl and she doesn't know how to tell you to go away. You have served your purpose, being the Paula Abdul of Rock Star, and now you shall slide back into relative obscurity without taking one of the more talented contestants with you. Give her back, Dave. Give her back while she's still got a fighting chance.
CRYSTAL: Alright. Before I start, it has come to my attention that there are readers of our sarcastic blog are under the assumption that I actually BELIEVE that I am marrying JD Fortune. (Discovered through board postings.) I would like to assure everyone, I am under no such delusion. I am merely a simple fan of irony and humor and thought it would be generous to extend irony to as many people as possible. I apologize to all who got the joke…when you have to explain it, it loses all its funny. Anyway, let us move on to this picture. Gina and I were flabbergasted. We came to the conclusion that there are only two reasons why JD would look like this. One: this is the real JD. All the fear and self loathing from JD being our favorite has a new and sadder meaning. The real JD looks like every tool we went to high school with. I don't know about all of you, but in our high school, all tools wore the same uniform consisting of cheap looking, baggy jeans, t-shirt with “ha-ha” funny shit written on the front, and mandatory hair spiking with highlights. But, there is a possible second explanation…and we are trying really hard to believe this is the correct explanation. Maybe JD was so sick of living in his car and eating stale Triscuits for dinner, he decided to go ahead and join a band that was against everything he believes in. And since he always give 110%, he was forced to wear these clothes and spike his hair, you know, for the fans…you guys, seriously, I had to keep asking Gina if she was sure this was JD…its just so heart crushingly sad.
GINA: It was seriously painful the first time I saw that picture. The only thing I can equate to it is when I found out that my boyfriend played Dungeons and Dragons at the public library until he was a sophomore in high school. That jolt of utter shock, mixed with a feeling of embarrassment and a hint of "Certainly this is not the person I fell in love with?" I mean nothing against D&D nerds, puberty is a confusing time and I realize that pretending to be a level 12 Dark Sun Cyonic Defiler with a +18 in Wisdom and an improved critical strike makes the medicine go down a bit easier. Honestly, though? There is no need to do this at the library, is there? You live in a house, and if you can't have friends over, then there has to be one among you that has a residence that is good for hanging out. It's just that I remember the guys who used to do that kind of thing, in public, and I cannot believe I love one of them. Which is how I feel about this picture of JD. "Your Mom Thinks I'm Hot" is no better than carrying around a big bag of 12 sided dice, wearing a t-shirt with an airbrushed wolf on it, while you publicly and seriously discuss the adventures of JRR Tolkien archetypes. I would put my JD lust in the shameful category to begin with him wearing a statement tee that he got at Gadzook's on sale two for $20 isn't going to help anything. Gadzooks was the Hot Topic of the mid nineties, with less shitty music, since they, thankfully, never took the "listen to this music and be cool" route. But yeah, if you needed one of those charming 69 shirts or a "you're just jealous the voices are talking to me" tee, that'd be your place.
CRYSTAL: I don't know what's more disturbing, your boyfriend playing D&D period or you knowing what “level 12 Dark Sun Cyonic Defiler with a +18 in Wisdom” is. Jesus. I also don't know if I should be embarrassed or impressed with your knowledge. Honestly, no idea.
GINA: My boyfriend told me what to write for that part. Our conversation went something like this
GINA BF: Why are you looking up Dungeons and Dragons jargon on the Internet?
GINA: Uhhh…for that Rock Star thing I'm doing
GINA BF: What are you gonna talk about?
GINA: Uhhh…..nothing?
GINA BF: What do you need to know?
GINA: I dunno, naming character attributes with authority, I guess
GINA BF: Let me read what you've got.
GINA: No.
GINA BF: Why not?
GINA: Just because. Don't.
GINA BF: Let me read it
GINA: Fine, but don't get mad at me, this is the first time I've talked about you on the blog, I swear.
GINA BF: Hmmmm….I don't think that playing D&D is so much different from writing about what people wore on a reality show. I was 16, you're 24.
GINA: I'm funny. D&D isn't funny. On purpose, at least.
GINA BF: Tell em you're a Dark Sun Cyonic Defiler.
GINA: Is that what you were?
GINA BF: Nope. But it's funny.
GINA: Are you mad at me?
GINA BF: No, but do these people know how you dress? You don't have any style.
GINA: I have style.
GINA BF: Sometimes. But you have to admit that a lot of the time you dress like a lesbian.
GINA: Shut. Up.
CRYSTAL: This is where it all began with EM and Suzie. The commencement of the masochistic friendship between these two broads make me nostalgic for the first few posts of Fashion Tragedy….when I still had an cache of quick and witty put downs. Now that it's getting toward to end of it all I don't know what else there is to say. I have to bust my balls to come up with what once came so easily. Ah, life. So we know that Ellie Mae took Suzie under her tragic fashion wing and squeezed her fat head until she dressed in the most laugh inducing costumes this side of Cats, the musical. Ellie Mae has already woven her accessories magic and has placed what looks to be five pieces of flava on Suzie, including two moon size earrings. And, Jesus, she is just getting started. This picture reminds me of the question…. “if you could go back in time and kill Adolf Hitler, while he was still innocent, before he became a mass murdering psycho, to save millions from genocide, would you do it?” Now, would I kill Ellie Mae, at this moment, before she was able to embarrass these innocent rawkers publicly? No. That is a little extreme. But, I may poke out her eyes.
GINA: I'm getting "Stage-Mother" vibes from this one. "Now, Suzie, when you go out there, you make sure to smile. And no mistakes! You know what happens when you drop lyrics, don't you? That's right......one crack of the belt for every syllable missed. You go out there and make me glad I didn't give you up for adoption like Mama told me to, Suzie. You hear me? Little Ron is hungry and while your living it up like some fancy singing star, we can't make rent over at the ExtendedStay. You better win this thing. Mama loves you."
CRYSTAL: Now I lay me, down to sleep, I pray the Lord, my soul to keep…what I mean, Lord, is just take me while I sleep, so I NEVER have to see this vision again. Are all you MiG fans who lust uncontrollably for this hairless mini man just dreaming of waking up to this pretty face? Do you fluff the top of your pillow until it resembles MiG's coif and put a pair of your “skinny jeans” on the bottom of the pillow to complete the look? I imagine you do. If there was ever a single, solitary moment when MiG wanted to appear like a real man, I believe he has just lost the battle. But thanks, MiG, I haven't laughed so hard since Al Rocker fell flat on his face while covering Hurricane Wilma a couple weeks ago when. God I love reality TV.
GINA: This is quite possibly the meanest thing I have ever done. I don't know about the rest of you, but a mere glimpse of this pox on MiG's coolness gives me the giggles. Repeatedly. I'm sure MiG's a little embarrassed that this exists. This looks like the shoot for the cover of Lithuania's newest pop sensation. A pose that blatantly says, "Twelve Year Old Girls, You WILL LOVE ME." Again, he is giving me that kittenish-sexy thing and it is creeping me out. That's what girls do, MiG, so back off and find your own gimmick. Honestly, this wasn't the worst part of the shoot. That was when he mussed his hair and literally PRANCED around for the cameras. I admire how secure you must be in your manhood, because I am having the hardest time imagining that you didn't get your ass kicked every single day after school. Hell, I really want to give you a wedgie after this.
So that's it for this update folks. Next time will be our Fashion Superlatives and special Group Blog, featuring the always hilarious HillMama and our sister-in-snark RocketMelee (Caroline). We will hand out our worsts and bests, feature a few more of our favorite snaps, and try to let Rock Star go. Which totally won't happen. We will find some other way to talk about it everyday. Not since we put my beloved dog to sleep have I had such a hard time saying goodbye. So we'll see you in a week or so, and we'll send this thing off right. Thanks to everyone who took the time to email us, or comment, or read this. We really get off on that sort of thing, so these past couple of months have been great for us. You all rule.
